Thursday, November 8, 2018
to put it another way on the height issue, let us recall the basic truth that correlation is not necessarily causation - and that the presenter has the burden of proof to demonstrate causation, if she believes the data exists that can do so.
at
12:30
did i go over this before?
height is not thought to be entirely genetic today, at all, but determined by a complicated mix of genetic and nutritional factors - but mostly nutritional factors. and, what determines nutritional factors? the answer is cultural differences.
see, we feed girls less than we feed boys, and we expect girls to eat less than boys, too. so, we've set up a cultural input into a nutritional mechanism. and, without very rigorous controlled studies, we can't be absolutely certain what the dominant factor is - although what we know does suggest that if we control for nutrition then we should also control for height.
i believe that the classic experiment on this topic was done via a comparison of italian immigrants to the new york area. it was found that the children of italian immigrants were shorter than their parents, and this was attributed to poorer nutritional levels in new york, compared to those in italy.
to fully debunk the claim, what what we need to do here is to perform a very specific experiment, where we feed girls the same way as we feed boys right now, and we feed boys the same way as we feed girls right now. this is probably unethical, because the way we feed girls is a consequence of systemic sexist bias. however, i might suggest that we keep an eye on rising average female height - as one would expect that women should be getting taller over the next several years, or at least they should be in certain regions, as the way we feed and exercise our daughters changes to a more egalitarian basis. while this data is likely a long time coming, it is worth noting that data in countries where both sexes are very poor (like nigeria, and india) suggests that the height differences are questionably statistically significant.
to suggest i'm offended is a base strawman argument to distract from the factual question, which i dispute, and which is being stated without any convincing evidence - and contrary to the general understanding of the underlying mechanism.
is that what you wanted? good. i've got lots more. because, this is the frustrating thing - the fact is that reality has a left-wing slant to it, and not a right-wing filter on it.
and, we can debate the tabula rasa elsewhere. i'm going to follow rosseau. as i must.
"brain sex" is also a deeply debunked pseudoscience, and it is somewhat distressing to hear it referenced by a tenured professor.
the question of muscle mass needs to be investigated with controlled studies, just as height. but, again - there's little reason to think genetic factors should overpower nutritional/cultural ones.
regarding fat distribution, the mechanism is hormonal, and while this can be modified through medication, it is an understood genetic sex difference, if it is not further modified through chemistry.
mature gametes are binary, but all specialized cells can in theory be reproduced from source, so there is no reason we couldn't artificially create an egg from a male hair cell, or sperm from female skin cells. the specialization may be real, but drawing some kind of innate difference between them is anti-evolutionary.
likewise, one should note that both human sexes have x chromosomes, so we should not be talking about the difference between x and y but about the presence of a y, which is a flag - and which can be overturned via exposure to the relative sex hormones. and, you will note that i will repeatedly concede that there is a difference in chemistry, even as i reject a substantive difference in meaningful biology. this places the issue on a spectrum, as hormone levels fluctuate widely across the sexes - and are modifiable via medication.
right. and, are the overlapping bell curves determined to be causally determined by genetic sex differences, via rigorous science? (usually not). are they even statistically separable by gender? (usually not). and, are those differences in interest determined to be causally determined by genetic sex differences via rigorous science? are they even biological? (i can't come up with a single example, actually)? if not, is culture a better explanation?
the classical argument for women's rights was that women are not incapable but uneducated - that this is cultural.
ugh. this is stupid. i'm done.
height is not thought to be entirely genetic today, at all, but determined by a complicated mix of genetic and nutritional factors - but mostly nutritional factors. and, what determines nutritional factors? the answer is cultural differences.
see, we feed girls less than we feed boys, and we expect girls to eat less than boys, too. so, we've set up a cultural input into a nutritional mechanism. and, without very rigorous controlled studies, we can't be absolutely certain what the dominant factor is - although what we know does suggest that if we control for nutrition then we should also control for height.
i believe that the classic experiment on this topic was done via a comparison of italian immigrants to the new york area. it was found that the children of italian immigrants were shorter than their parents, and this was attributed to poorer nutritional levels in new york, compared to those in italy.
to fully debunk the claim, what what we need to do here is to perform a very specific experiment, where we feed girls the same way as we feed boys right now, and we feed boys the same way as we feed girls right now. this is probably unethical, because the way we feed girls is a consequence of systemic sexist bias. however, i might suggest that we keep an eye on rising average female height - as one would expect that women should be getting taller over the next several years, or at least they should be in certain regions, as the way we feed and exercise our daughters changes to a more egalitarian basis. while this data is likely a long time coming, it is worth noting that data in countries where both sexes are very poor (like nigeria, and india) suggests that the height differences are questionably statistically significant.
to suggest i'm offended is a base strawman argument to distract from the factual question, which i dispute, and which is being stated without any convincing evidence - and contrary to the general understanding of the underlying mechanism.
is that what you wanted? good. i've got lots more. because, this is the frustrating thing - the fact is that reality has a left-wing slant to it, and not a right-wing filter on it.
and, we can debate the tabula rasa elsewhere. i'm going to follow rosseau. as i must.
"brain sex" is also a deeply debunked pseudoscience, and it is somewhat distressing to hear it referenced by a tenured professor.
the question of muscle mass needs to be investigated with controlled studies, just as height. but, again - there's little reason to think genetic factors should overpower nutritional/cultural ones.
regarding fat distribution, the mechanism is hormonal, and while this can be modified through medication, it is an understood genetic sex difference, if it is not further modified through chemistry.
mature gametes are binary, but all specialized cells can in theory be reproduced from source, so there is no reason we couldn't artificially create an egg from a male hair cell, or sperm from female skin cells. the specialization may be real, but drawing some kind of innate difference between them is anti-evolutionary.
likewise, one should note that both human sexes have x chromosomes, so we should not be talking about the difference between x and y but about the presence of a y, which is a flag - and which can be overturned via exposure to the relative sex hormones. and, you will note that i will repeatedly concede that there is a difference in chemistry, even as i reject a substantive difference in meaningful biology. this places the issue on a spectrum, as hormone levels fluctuate widely across the sexes - and are modifiable via medication.
right. and, are the overlapping bell curves determined to be causally determined by genetic sex differences, via rigorous science? (usually not). are they even statistically separable by gender? (usually not). and, are those differences in interest determined to be causally determined by genetic sex differences via rigorous science? are they even biological? (i can't come up with a single example, actually)? if not, is culture a better explanation?
the classical argument for women's rights was that women are not incapable but uneducated - that this is cultural.
ugh. this is stupid. i'm done.
at
11:06
Location:
Windsor, ON, Canada
and, yes - it's perfectly ok to be born xy and be disinterested in male sexuality. that's not shameful. it's not inferior. it's just variation.
at
10:14
"too civilized for sex".
but, honestly. they've done studies on this. did you know that testosterone spikes are actually tied to brain damage? that testosterone actually kills brain cells? that's not hyperbole. these are controlled clinical trials, here. meatheads are morons for a reason, even if they're better at passing on their genes.
steroids kill brain cells...
but, hey, nobody ever said that intelligence was selected - at least not literally. and, some prominent biologists - ernst mayr was one - have argued the opposite point, that intelligence is an evolutionary dead end.
i'm hardly the first person to articulate this idea of macho stupidity, or react against it. it's actually one of the central themes in the alternative musical culture i'm so immersed in - however outdated it might be at this point. you just need to take it to the next level of abstraction to get your head around where i am on this.
my dad was a football star when he was in high school, so i was forced to played football when i was a kid, and i probably should have been relatively good at it. i was fast, fairly fit & in good shape, overall - i've seen pictures of myself from this period and i'm actually kind of surprised by the definition around my shoulders. this was about 16-19. i started to lose weight after that. but, i actually wasn't very good at football, and the reason was that i didn't have the aggressive nature in me to hit. i was faster than most of the kids on the field, but i couldn't make a tackle. i didn't have the energy.
likewise, when they put me in karate as a kid, they were frustrated at my disinterest in sparring. i was good at the fundamentals, but i just didn't have any interest in actually fighting anybody.
that's not an argument for gender transition, in and of itself. if it's hormonal, and it probably is, then it's just the start of one. but, it does explain my disinterest in heterosexual male sexuality: i just don't have the aggression for it.
but, honestly. they've done studies on this. did you know that testosterone spikes are actually tied to brain damage? that testosterone actually kills brain cells? that's not hyperbole. these are controlled clinical trials, here. meatheads are morons for a reason, even if they're better at passing on their genes.
steroids kill brain cells...
but, hey, nobody ever said that intelligence was selected - at least not literally. and, some prominent biologists - ernst mayr was one - have argued the opposite point, that intelligence is an evolutionary dead end.
i'm hardly the first person to articulate this idea of macho stupidity, or react against it. it's actually one of the central themes in the alternative musical culture i'm so immersed in - however outdated it might be at this point. you just need to take it to the next level of abstraction to get your head around where i am on this.
my dad was a football star when he was in high school, so i was forced to played football when i was a kid, and i probably should have been relatively good at it. i was fast, fairly fit & in good shape, overall - i've seen pictures of myself from this period and i'm actually kind of surprised by the definition around my shoulders. this was about 16-19. i started to lose weight after that. but, i actually wasn't very good at football, and the reason was that i didn't have the aggressive nature in me to hit. i was faster than most of the kids on the field, but i couldn't make a tackle. i didn't have the energy.
likewise, when they put me in karate as a kid, they were frustrated at my disinterest in sparring. i was good at the fundamentals, but i just didn't have any interest in actually fighting anybody.
that's not an argument for gender transition, in and of itself. if it's hormonal, and it probably is, then it's just the start of one. but, it does explain my disinterest in heterosexual male sexuality: i just don't have the aggression for it.
at
10:02
there's not a way around it: male sexuality is violent.
it is. it doesn't matter how consensual it is, it remains violent.
and, i just never developed a mean enough streak to be able to do it. it just seems stupid and ridiculous and primitive, to me. if i were to ever seriously try, i'd probably fall over laughing at the absurdity of it. i can't even imagine myself doing it. really.
i'm not an ideological pacifist, i recognize the utility of violent struggle, but i'm entirely submissive in just about any kind of personal context. and, that just doesn't make sense when attached to a heterosexual male gender role. i mean, i'm not going to bring you to orgasm with a good argument. sorry.
i guess if i could find a fully dominant female, it could work from her perspective, but it wouldn't be my fantasy. i would essentially be lending out my body, and i would remain in an impossible situation...
it is. it doesn't matter how consensual it is, it remains violent.
and, i just never developed a mean enough streak to be able to do it. it just seems stupid and ridiculous and primitive, to me. if i were to ever seriously try, i'd probably fall over laughing at the absurdity of it. i can't even imagine myself doing it. really.
i'm not an ideological pacifist, i recognize the utility of violent struggle, but i'm entirely submissive in just about any kind of personal context. and, that just doesn't make sense when attached to a heterosexual male gender role. i mean, i'm not going to bring you to orgasm with a good argument. sorry.
i guess if i could find a fully dominant female, it could work from her perspective, but it wouldn't be my fantasy. i would essentially be lending out my body, and i would remain in an impossible situation...
at
09:38
and, i did finish august, 2016 early this morning - i just kind of spun out right after.
i'll get to the bureaucracy after i eat.
then, it's back to the real world for a few days. and, as we can see, i'm getting anxious.
i'll get to the bureaucracy after i eat.
then, it's back to the real world for a few days. and, as we can see, i'm getting anxious.
at
09:03
i don't think about the girl i turned down for prom very often. like i say - it was out of the blue. totally unexpected. in hindsight, there were signs, but i really didn't see it coming. at all.
so, i mean, i dunno. did she have a crush on me for a long time? was it spontaneous? i never really asked.
i told you the story about sarah from elementary school. i knew sarah for years. we had plenty of conversations. i might dare even say there was a time when we were friends. so, i was able to understand why avoidance was the best strategy - i can analyse this, in hindsight..
but, i don't even remember having more than a cordial conversation with this girl who asked me to prom. i really didn't know anything about her besides the basics of her reputation, so i don't really know how well i might have gotten along with her. she was in my classes for years, though. maybe she was paying more attention to me than i was to her...
like, i can count the number of times i remember speaking to her on one hand, kind of thing. i remember her complimenting my cover page for the oac (grade 13, pre-university) algebra project - she thought it was "clever". that could have been small talk, i guess. i remember her trying to track me down in grade 10 or 11 to get a picture of me for yearbook, because i skipped out on the school photos that year, then dodging attempts by her to follow me around to get a shot of me, then learning she got one of me sitting by the stairs. see, she was on the yearbook committee. so, i guess there was somewhat of a game there - but i don't recall so much as a fuck you in direct conversation. it was more of a tip-off that i was being stalked. and, i recall getting into an argument with her about whether she should be allowed to qualify for scholarship money, because she's upper crust, and she doesn't need it - which she was actually rather pissed off about, because her grades were nearly perfect. well, what's a scholarship for? is it merely a reward, or a way to balance the playing field? besides that, i must have walked by her a thousand times, and i don't recall so much as a tug on my tshirt.
perhaps she liked being challenged. or, perhaps the handful of encounters i had with her were that much more memorable, given a lack of contact with other boys. maybe i read the situation wrong, and she liked my hair. i dunno....
what i know is that i really had no plans to go to prom that year, and wasn't going to change my mind due to somebody asking me.
it's easy enough to call me stupid for turning down the fucking valedictorian. all i had to do was be a man, right? well, i hadn't done the experiment yet, but i still knew better. and, i frankly just simply don't know how well i might have gotten along with her, had i gone along with it, and let her drive the night.
i didn't think about it much then, and i haven't thought about it much since.
but, i do suspect that she would have gotten bored with me relatively fast.
so, i mean, i dunno. did she have a crush on me for a long time? was it spontaneous? i never really asked.
i told you the story about sarah from elementary school. i knew sarah for years. we had plenty of conversations. i might dare even say there was a time when we were friends. so, i was able to understand why avoidance was the best strategy - i can analyse this, in hindsight..
but, i don't even remember having more than a cordial conversation with this girl who asked me to prom. i really didn't know anything about her besides the basics of her reputation, so i don't really know how well i might have gotten along with her. she was in my classes for years, though. maybe she was paying more attention to me than i was to her...
like, i can count the number of times i remember speaking to her on one hand, kind of thing. i remember her complimenting my cover page for the oac (grade 13, pre-university) algebra project - she thought it was "clever". that could have been small talk, i guess. i remember her trying to track me down in grade 10 or 11 to get a picture of me for yearbook, because i skipped out on the school photos that year, then dodging attempts by her to follow me around to get a shot of me, then learning she got one of me sitting by the stairs. see, she was on the yearbook committee. so, i guess there was somewhat of a game there - but i don't recall so much as a fuck you in direct conversation. it was more of a tip-off that i was being stalked. and, i recall getting into an argument with her about whether she should be allowed to qualify for scholarship money, because she's upper crust, and she doesn't need it - which she was actually rather pissed off about, because her grades were nearly perfect. well, what's a scholarship for? is it merely a reward, or a way to balance the playing field? besides that, i must have walked by her a thousand times, and i don't recall so much as a tug on my tshirt.
perhaps she liked being challenged. or, perhaps the handful of encounters i had with her were that much more memorable, given a lack of contact with other boys. maybe i read the situation wrong, and she liked my hair. i dunno....
what i know is that i really had no plans to go to prom that year, and wasn't going to change my mind due to somebody asking me.
it's easy enough to call me stupid for turning down the fucking valedictorian. all i had to do was be a man, right? well, i hadn't done the experiment yet, but i still knew better. and, i frankly just simply don't know how well i might have gotten along with her, had i gone along with it, and let her drive the night.
i didn't think about it much then, and i haven't thought about it much since.
but, i do suspect that she would have gotten bored with me relatively fast.
at
07:00
i'm just trying to imagine what it would have been like, if i had said yes.
she probably would have had to dress me, because all i owned were tshirts. i don't think i owned a single button-up shirt until years after i graduated university. i certainly didn't have any expensive clothes to wear. i probably would have grumbled something about looking like a fascist.
i didn't have a driver's license, let alone access to a vehicle. i still don't. so, i guess she would have been driving - i probably would have bicycled down to her place to meet her, i guess.
i was straight-edge at the time, so i would have been drinking water, or pop.
and, i'm a very poor conversationalist, and wholly disinterested in the pomp, so i probably would have just cordially gone through the motions and sat quietly until the end of the night.
it's easy to call me a jerk. but, i think it's better that i turned her down.
she probably would have had to dress me, because all i owned were tshirts. i don't think i owned a single button-up shirt until years after i graduated university. i certainly didn't have any expensive clothes to wear. i probably would have grumbled something about looking like a fascist.
i didn't have a driver's license, let alone access to a vehicle. i still don't. so, i guess she would have been driving - i probably would have bicycled down to her place to meet her, i guess.
i was straight-edge at the time, so i would have been drinking water, or pop.
and, i'm a very poor conversationalist, and wholly disinterested in the pomp, so i probably would have just cordially gone through the motions and sat quietly until the end of the night.
it's easy to call me a jerk. but, i think it's better that i turned her down.
at
03:58
the person that i turned down was in my classes for years leading up to it, and while it certainly took me by surprise, i did suspect she had a crush on me. she was a lisa simpson type - not just straight as, but straight 99s. widely seen as the smartest kid in school. and, i might be giving it away.
she was very wealthy, and seemed to think the same thing of me - but she was very wrong to do so. the last time i remember seeing her, she was visibly annoyed at me because i was working at an a&w's for spending cash, while in my first or second year at carleton. she was apparently home from the holidays on a scholarship (i think she went to queen's), and buying expensive clothes in the mall. so, she did this walk right in front of me like she's superior thing, and i just laughed. i don't know if anybody ever told her. i wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do with a woman like that, and wouldn't have had the slightest interest in playing out any of her fantasies or designs for me.
she probably looks back at it and wonders what she was thinking, but i'll tell you what she was thinking - it was that i wasn't a shallow idiot. this was a smart, attractive, wealthy young girl with a bright future ahead of her, and she had to resort to asking somebody that she probably knew was queer, just to avoid getting shut out. the better question is what everybody else was thinking. sadly, her intelligence level made her unpopular, and it's hard to break that stigma once you pick it up without changing school districts and starting over.
i don't regret turning her down - as mentioned, i wouldn't have been able to handle the role playing, and i probably would have ruined her night, anyways. and, i don't know if she went or not.
she was very wealthy, and seemed to think the same thing of me - but she was very wrong to do so. the last time i remember seeing her, she was visibly annoyed at me because i was working at an a&w's for spending cash, while in my first or second year at carleton. she was apparently home from the holidays on a scholarship (i think she went to queen's), and buying expensive clothes in the mall. so, she did this walk right in front of me like she's superior thing, and i just laughed. i don't know if anybody ever told her. i wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do with a woman like that, and wouldn't have had the slightest interest in playing out any of her fantasies or designs for me.
she probably looks back at it and wonders what she was thinking, but i'll tell you what she was thinking - it was that i wasn't a shallow idiot. this was a smart, attractive, wealthy young girl with a bright future ahead of her, and she had to resort to asking somebody that she probably knew was queer, just to avoid getting shut out. the better question is what everybody else was thinking. sadly, her intelligence level made her unpopular, and it's hard to break that stigma once you pick it up without changing school districts and starting over.
i don't regret turning her down - as mentioned, i wouldn't have been able to handle the role playing, and i probably would have ruined her night, anyways. and, i don't know if she went or not.
at
03:36
so, take something like prom, for example.
most people that skip out on prom have a sob story about how they couldn't find anybody. that's not my experience. the fact is that i didn't go to a single school dance for the five years i went to high school, so i never really seriously contemplated it. i didn't ask anybody; the fact is, i never intended to go. i would have probably told you in grade 10 that i didn't intend to go, and fully meant it. and, while i won't name any names, i actually turned somebody down.
so, my only experience around prom is total disinterest in the entire concept of the thing. and, while i can't be sure about how i'd have felt if i was in a different gender role at the time, i suspect i may have taken a more active interest in it, if i was.
for somebody to look at me and say "but, you have these experiences...." is wrong. i don't. sorry.
most people that skip out on prom have a sob story about how they couldn't find anybody. that's not my experience. the fact is that i didn't go to a single school dance for the five years i went to high school, so i never really seriously contemplated it. i didn't ask anybody; the fact is, i never intended to go. i would have probably told you in grade 10 that i didn't intend to go, and fully meant it. and, while i won't name any names, i actually turned somebody down.
so, my only experience around prom is total disinterest in the entire concept of the thing. and, while i can't be sure about how i'd have felt if i was in a different gender role at the time, i suspect i may have taken a more active interest in it, if i was.
for somebody to look at me and say "but, you have these experiences...." is wrong. i don't. sorry.
at
03:11
the fact is that my experiences as a male have largely been about trying to avoid women that have demonstrated an interest in me.
at
02:55
it's just...
there are some people that transition later in life after having normal heterosexual relationships in their birth gender, perhaps including having children. they can say they lived a life in their birth gender, had all of the normal experiences in their youth and young adulthood and then switched. i'm not one of those people. i'm somebody that should have transitioned as a child and lived my youth as a girl; i was wholly incapable of being a boy, from the start.
i did have one relationship in my early 20s (i did not date in high school, or even pretend-date in elementary school - my first kiss was at the age of 21, and she had to ask me), but it was not a normal relationship, and my experiences within it were not heterosexual in any meaningful way. this person knew i was transgendered the day we met, and the relationship existed entirely within that context. i was never interested in being this person's boyfriend, but focused from the start to the end on having her accept me as female.
so, i don't have the experiences associated with being a young male throughout high school, my 20s or my 30s. i made no attempt to pursue girls at any time throughout high school at all, whatsoever; rather, i went to some lengths to successfully avoid the interest of a few. i wasn't just not attracted to women at this age, i was actively disinterested. i have never asked a girl out on a date before; indeed, i've never actually been on a date before. it's just not a world i have the slightest interest in or the slightest understanding of. i've never approached a woman at a bar, or had a one-night stand, or made an indecent proposal or anything of the sort. so, i don't have those experiences and don't understand the world from that perspective.
i'm really without a sexual nature of any sort.
and, i'm sorry if you find that disappointing, but i've been trying to get the point across for years, and can only hope it's clear enough by now.
there are some people that transition later in life after having normal heterosexual relationships in their birth gender, perhaps including having children. they can say they lived a life in their birth gender, had all of the normal experiences in their youth and young adulthood and then switched. i'm not one of those people. i'm somebody that should have transitioned as a child and lived my youth as a girl; i was wholly incapable of being a boy, from the start.
i did have one relationship in my early 20s (i did not date in high school, or even pretend-date in elementary school - my first kiss was at the age of 21, and she had to ask me), but it was not a normal relationship, and my experiences within it were not heterosexual in any meaningful way. this person knew i was transgendered the day we met, and the relationship existed entirely within that context. i was never interested in being this person's boyfriend, but focused from the start to the end on having her accept me as female.
so, i don't have the experiences associated with being a young male throughout high school, my 20s or my 30s. i made no attempt to pursue girls at any time throughout high school at all, whatsoever; rather, i went to some lengths to successfully avoid the interest of a few. i wasn't just not attracted to women at this age, i was actively disinterested. i have never asked a girl out on a date before; indeed, i've never actually been on a date before. it's just not a world i have the slightest interest in or the slightest understanding of. i've never approached a woman at a bar, or had a one-night stand, or made an indecent proposal or anything of the sort. so, i don't have those experiences and don't understand the world from that perspective.
i'm really without a sexual nature of any sort.
and, i'm sorry if you find that disappointing, but i've been trying to get the point across for years, and can only hope it's clear enough by now.
at
02:47
so, why don't i have sex?
ask around - i've had plenty of chances. but, i really haven't had sex since....i don't remember if it was 2004 or 2005. i don't think it was 2006. but, it's honestly been so long that i don't even remember when.
it's certainly been well over ten years.
what's with this? am i sexually repressed, or what?
well, for the longest time it just didn't make any sense. i didn't really know if i was attracted to women or not. i knew that my experiences with women were deeply unsatisfying for both myself and my partner because she expected me to behave in a male gender role and i simply didn't want to, and i knew that my experience with putting things inside of my anus had been unpleasant up to that point, so i didn't have a lot of interest in having sex with men. so, what that left me with was sex as a kind of functional impossibility. i didn't have the right equipment.
the truth is that i made a decision around 2007 or 2008 (i don't remember, exactly) that i would refrain from any sexual intercourse until i was post-operative. now, at the time, i didn't think i'd be sitting here ten years later with a penis in my victoria's secret underwear. but, anything or everything else aside, i've simply held to a decision to avoid sex. and, frankly, i fully intend to hold to that decision indefinitely, even if i never have that operation.
i would not know how to have sex "as a male". in that sense, i'm a virgin - i've never done that, and i don't want to learn how to do that. i would be absolutely clueless as to how to proceed. sorry.
over the years, i've answered the question: i'm not just not attracted to women on a sexual level (although i hold out an abstract possibility of a potential relationship on a purely emotional level), but i'm actually rather revolted by female sexuality. i think i've had the layers pulled back on it, and had it exposed as something that is very vulgar. years ago, i may have argued that i would no doubt be sexually active if i had the correct sex organs to enjoy sex the way i've always imagined it. today, i'm not willing to make that argument - if i were to wake up tomorrow with a vagina, i don't expect i'd have much interest in using it, anymore.
my interest in hormone therapy at this point is consequently less about increasing my estrogen levels and more about reducing my testosterone levels. i'm less about actively identifying myself as female, and more about actively rejecting myself as male. so, i probably wouldn't get particularly angry if you took away my estrogen - but i may become suicidal if you took away my testosterone suppressors, because i just don't want to deal with the annoyance. at all.
ask around - i've had plenty of chances. but, i really haven't had sex since....i don't remember if it was 2004 or 2005. i don't think it was 2006. but, it's honestly been so long that i don't even remember when.
it's certainly been well over ten years.
what's with this? am i sexually repressed, or what?
well, for the longest time it just didn't make any sense. i didn't really know if i was attracted to women or not. i knew that my experiences with women were deeply unsatisfying for both myself and my partner because she expected me to behave in a male gender role and i simply didn't want to, and i knew that my experience with putting things inside of my anus had been unpleasant up to that point, so i didn't have a lot of interest in having sex with men. so, what that left me with was sex as a kind of functional impossibility. i didn't have the right equipment.
the truth is that i made a decision around 2007 or 2008 (i don't remember, exactly) that i would refrain from any sexual intercourse until i was post-operative. now, at the time, i didn't think i'd be sitting here ten years later with a penis in my victoria's secret underwear. but, anything or everything else aside, i've simply held to a decision to avoid sex. and, frankly, i fully intend to hold to that decision indefinitely, even if i never have that operation.
i would not know how to have sex "as a male". in that sense, i'm a virgin - i've never done that, and i don't want to learn how to do that. i would be absolutely clueless as to how to proceed. sorry.
over the years, i've answered the question: i'm not just not attracted to women on a sexual level (although i hold out an abstract possibility of a potential relationship on a purely emotional level), but i'm actually rather revolted by female sexuality. i think i've had the layers pulled back on it, and had it exposed as something that is very vulgar. years ago, i may have argued that i would no doubt be sexually active if i had the correct sex organs to enjoy sex the way i've always imagined it. today, i'm not willing to make that argument - if i were to wake up tomorrow with a vagina, i don't expect i'd have much interest in using it, anymore.
my interest in hormone therapy at this point is consequently less about increasing my estrogen levels and more about reducing my testosterone levels. i'm less about actively identifying myself as female, and more about actively rejecting myself as male. so, i probably wouldn't get particularly angry if you took away my estrogen - but i may become suicidal if you took away my testosterone suppressors, because i just don't want to deal with the annoyance. at all.
at
02:29
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