and i'm not sorry.

if you're lucky, and the setting is right, i might let you have your way with me, kind of thing. this would require a careful combination of aggressive tactics and subtle manipulation, on your behalf. and, you'd ultimately need to have the right kind of personality for it, which i don't run into very often any more.

but, that hasn't happened in a really, really long time - and may very well never happen again.

i'm simply not going to fuck you - or make any attempt to seduce you at all.

at all.

ever.

so, i ended up crashing this morning again.

i was up in the afternoon; the day is over.

i'm going to spend a few hours working, and get to checking listings around midnight, with the intent to start calling in the morning.

it's a long weekend in canada, and i can't find anything fun to do, so i'll probably stay in. but, it's a kind of calendar-changing date, too. i expect that the market will change next week.

and, i'll tell you this: if you have stories of great sex with a transwoman, then the reality is that he made the wrong choice and has probably already detransitioned.

you can imagine a cartoon strip with a disappointed ciswoman looking at the transwoman, and the caption underneath:

you're not much of a man, are you?

yeah.

last one to figure it out, apparently....

if i knew how to be a man, or wanted to be one, then maybe i would just do it, huh?

of course i don't know how to fuck; i've spent my whole life fantasizing about having vaginal intercourse. why would you expect that i'd know how to fuck? or that i'd have any interest in learning how?

that's the whole point, you fucking idiot.

it's like asking a car why it can't fly. it's a fucking car; of course it can't fly. and, it probably wouldn't want to fly, if it had a personality. it'd just want to drive all day long.

it's been many years, but i have experience in lesbian-style sex. girl on girl. grinding. oral. i got some strong feedback on it. i don't think i was bad at it.

but, if you want to have sex with a transwoman, you'd better be willing to take control of the situation, because you're not going to get fucked the way you might imagine you would. you're going to be on top. you're going to be the one in charge; she's the one that's going to be bored. that's the point you're not getting.

if you want to get reamed by somebody with breasts and lipstick, you'd be better off asking a lady friend to use a strap-on.

yesterday was a long day, and it seems like i crashed pretty hard. i've been reacting to the sun this year in ways i never did previously, so maybe that has something to do with it. i was up in the evening to get a smoothie, but i ended up crashing for the night.

i think i'm up now.

so, i can't comment on the air quality last night, but i woke up with a cough and a headache. there is the smell of a drier, lower quality herb coming up; i don't want to quite call it 'shake', but it's being smoked past it's best-before date. it has more of that chocolate-oregano smell (somebody might have also made coffee.) than the skunk that usually comes up from below me, so i'm actually thinking it's from one of the other units, although i don't know which one. i guess the other possibility is that it's third hand smoke, mixed with the coffee aroma.

she seems to usually be smoking outside, at this point. which is appreciated, but not good enough. and, if it's coming from every which way at this concentration, that's just more reason to leave, too

the fact that i'm tired after a walk in the sun yesterday could have multiple causes. and i'm clearly dehydrated. but, that cough is from breathing in the smoke...and it's not a pleasant thing to wake up to at all...

i was just confirmed as being in optimal health, yet again. i don't need this shit making me sick.

i was hoping to rebuild a little over night, but that opportunity is past. so, i'm going to get something to eat and get a start on looking for some other place to live.