i always tell people that i don't have symptoms of depression. i've never been diagnosed with depression, either. i've never gone to a specialist with the concerns that i'm depressed. i've never complained to people around me about it.

i legitimately have absolutely no clinical history of depression at all, whatsoever.

it tends to throw people off - i'm in many ways the classic depression sufferer. it is true that the only way i can handle being in public is to get shitfaced, but it's also true that i cherish my sobriety when i'm by myself. so, they're only getting a skewed interpretation of me. if they spent time with me in a more intimate setting, they'd get an entirely different perspective of me. but, the caveat is that i'd never allow for it - i keep people at a large emotional distance, and with a clear intent to do so.

so, if i'm talking with a doctor, it always comes with a caveat - that i don't think i'm depressed but, if i was, how would i actually know? i don't think i suffer from depression, and i'll defend the point. but, if i do suffer from depression, it's so profound that i don't realize it, because it's so deep-rooted that i don't have anything to contrast it against it. a person that's never experienced happiness wouldn't be able to identify their depression. maybe that's the actual truth of it.

but, i don't tend to take the idea seriously, because, to the extent that it might be true, what does articulating it actually accomplish? my life has not been so horrible as to deny me any experiences of pleasure. if i'm actually suffering from an inability to experience happiness, the root cause of it would be something in the realm of a personality disorder - clinical psychopathy, or, perhaps, something in the asperger's spectrum. i'm more likely to lean towards the idea that i'm a sociopath than the idea that i'm clinically depressed.

but, i'm not diagnosed with anything substantive. at all.

what i can state with some certainty is that i don't think that drugs that act as depressants or sedatives are going to do anything but make the situation worse. i don't complain that i can't focus, or that i have too much energy that i can't control - i complain that i'm tired and lethargic and unable to get going. if i need to take anything on a daily basis, it would be some kind of stimulant to give me more energy.

but, like i say, i'm generally happy with coffee, so long as it's not being counteracted, as it so often is.