Jeff
Where did you get that lol

Jessica Amber Murray
my dad died a few days ago. i got a stack of pictures from him.

Jeff
I'm sorry,your dad was someone who I have never forgotten. I remember eating breakfast(corn squares) with you and him. Crazy the stuff we tend to remember the most eh! How you holding up? You and you mom are closer now in the past couple of years? Where are you living now

Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually just about to move to windsor. next week. it's been a confusing few years of stability issues, mentally. i've had a few pretty strenuous breakdowns. i've been staying with my grandmother, and i'm pretty much on odsp permanently, now. it's schizophrenia, basically. they've diagnosed me with ptsd, but it's because stress is the trigger. the rent is just cheaper down there. i'm hoping i can set up a little studio. what are you up to these days?

Jeff
Working lcbo warehouse. Pension and all the goodies. Virus attack my body and went after weakest part and ended up with tinnius(ringing of ear) 3 different noises at once! Adjusting to it but no cure. Clone a sheep but your ears,forget about it. Family is good and stuck in Ottawa for the next 20 years lol. Been to Windsor as a kid and winter tends to be very warm.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that's right, you *did* used to go to windsor. you used to get earaches all the time, too. you'd think they could maybe take the ear out and replace it, but i don't think they're at a stage to do that yet. i guess we haven't talked since a few years after the end of high school. i finished a math degree at carleton in '06. worked for a microsoft for a few years. built a great studio, was rolling...then shit hit the fan. ended up back in school, nearly finished a programming degree before i mentally collapsed and decided i had to transition. i was juggling shit, but it was taking too long. couldn't find a job, any job, got evicted...broke down again...landed at my grandmother's. finished a minor in law. been organizing with radical leftists (occupy movement types). and i just need to get out of here for somewhere that's cheaper to live. i guess i've got a decade of music to check out if you want to. you can stream it for free forever: http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com

i'm kind of hoping i'll eventually, one day, end up teaching math, but for right now i want to focus on writing music...

Jeff
Hey listen to me when I say your smart as Fuck so keep doing what ya have to do! Stay off meds cause they may help but so does just letting shit off your chest. Also make your body completely reliant on them. Surprised you don't lean towards holistic stuff? Say what ya want... But seen results of both and have to say I lean towards holistic although some seem to be hoaxish so is meds that fix shit. Although schizophrenia meds might be a good route. Also if someone said find a job that you love cause that what matters...find a job that your good at do it for 20 years and get the fucking thing over with. Not supposed to spend my life working for others anyway so that others can blah blah.... Too much shit going on in your life and head, you need a breather man! You may not have the support you need but I say your going to do a 180 once you plant your feet abit. Or win lottery lol.

That was supposed to be somewhat supportive and I think I failed lol. Just think you have alot of experience and education that not much should get in way of you just succeeding at everything so keep doing what you think is best Jay(Jessica). Old people always say that in live always do what you want so no regrets later. Enough ranting from me! Oh ya..grieving your father is not selfish, it's human!no grieving is like saying no love was there for that person. Everyone grieves different so.. Writing what I think on Facebook instead of in person really diminishes the feeling and expression of my thoughts! Talk soon

Jessica Amber Murray
i avoid the meds. it's more that i'm concerned about them affecting my creativity level. i'd rather be crazy and creative than sane and productive; maybe there's some circular logic there, but so be it. i'm not opposed to holistic approaches, so long as they're tested empirically. but, you know what they call holistic medicine that's been tested empirically? they call it medicine. when you have to say 'holistic' as a prefix, that generally means you're taking placebos. i don't mean to be arrogant, but the truth is that i'm smart enough to understand what's going on and to control the episodes through self-awareness. i like describe it as tripping out without taking drugs. you know? like, when you're on a mushroom trip, you know you're on a mushroom trip. even if you're having a bad trip, you know you're tripping. you know it's not real. i can do that. everybody that's done drugs knows that you have to do them in a safe place. it's the same kind of idea - when i feel i'm becoming episodic, i get myself out of the way of shit that's going to have the potential to put me in a bad place. that's part of why working's not a great idea. i can't really be like "boss, i'm tripping out, i have to go home" - although i *have* done that previously. like, let's say i'm working for somebody doing something important. with the background i have, i would be *the* person they hire. if i have to go home for a week, it doesn't make sense to bring me back. so, i could do something less intensive. but, would you feed a gazelle meat? if it could digest it at all, it would get sick. certainly, it wouldn't be happy. is a tiger happy eating ground meat? it'll survive, but it would rather hunt. so, do you send an artist to operate a phone or a cash register? we're expected to work when we're young, and retire when we're old. i think there's a lot of logic in that if the labour is physical. but, for mental labour - teaching, writing etc - i think it makes more sense to invert the process. i'd rather retire when i'm young and work when i'm old. so, my goal at the moment is to create the circumstances necessary that will allow me to create a lot of music. it's been a long, slow process....but it finally arrives next week. everything is finally in order. and i want to spend the next several years just purely creating. once that urge has run it's course, i'll think about applying myself mentally somehow. i could start doing some more creative writing. i could finish my masters in math. i'll have to decide then. i miss my dad, but the last several months of his life were horrific. it was brain cancer. he had three major surgeries that were functionally lobotomies. it was at the stage where death was a release from the suffering. he fought it for two years, man. hard. i've been through two years of a grieving process. at this point, i'm just happy he's not suffering anymore.