looking back, she existed in this contemporary culture - and she was young, at the time - where she thought being this kind of communal slut was a normal thing to do. i think she thought that it was normal for guys to share girls, or even that she was doing me a favour - that i was showing her off, or that she had to perform, as a kind of trophy, a sort of catch. that i was bringing her home to share. at that age, i had essentially no exposure to this culture, which is built around sports and bad music and to a certain extent also around blackness (although she was white). i reacted terribly to it. but, i don't think she actually realized that i had never lived in that world, that this was so very strange to me. it was almost more like a culture shock.

and, these guys didn't live in that world either, although, unlike me, they may have liked to pretend they did.

we did stay friends for years after. she didn't turn on me until i went back on hormones. and, i tried to avoid judging her, and think i succeeded in doing it in the end. but, i couldn't live in that world, it was not for me, i just had to walk out of it.

if i can't have mutually consensual and intentional monogamy, i don't see the point of it at all.