like, you hear about these orgies happening at the olympic village that sound like something out of saturnalia. if you take that and splice it with standard hip-hop misogyny, that's the culture she was coming from, as built up from a small town on the outskirts of ottawa.

so, i don't just think that she didn't think sleeping with my friends would bother me. i think she thought i wanted her to sleep with my friends, because that's what every other guy she'd ever dated had been like - guys that pass girls around like they're drugs, or otherwise just treat them as property.

i was a total loner in the middle of a halted transition that listened to punk rock, jazz and instrumental classical music. and, i was a feminist, and outspoken about it. she was attracted to that about me, precisely because it was so different than what she was accustomed to, it was weird to her that i treated her like a person, but that learned behaviour transferred over to social situations in ways that just left me absolutely baffled.

and, she always expected me to take her back.

and, for a while i did.

i don't regret walking out; it just didn't make sense. i have to take the good with the bad. and, while a lot of it hurt in ways that she didn't understand, i'm still left with some experiences and memories that most people only experience as fantasies.

i do wonder what things would have been like if i was able to more effectively hold that mirror up, though.