mom
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html