i've been kind of bed-ridden the last few days, reading a lot, but i'm coming back to and building a plan around things.

as mentioned a few times, i'm close to a hook-up on the rebuild, and i kind of want to get there. i'm at may 7th; the hook up is june 19th. so, i think i can finish that before monday. and i'm staying in this weekend...

so, i'm going to try to blitz over that for a bit, and then do some cleaning when it's done.

and, then i'll put a dominant focus on looking for a better place.

how's the stench, anyways?

well, i spent much of the weekend in detroit; i was out midday on the 25th and come back early in the morning on the 29th. while i slept here in between, and even stayed in on sunday, my complaints were muted. the reality is that i smelled bad myself, from partying. i'll reiterate that i was not smoking inside, or even going out for smokes when i was here, but i was smoking when i was in detroit partying. that said, i noticed the smell of marijuana pretty much every day and every night. i just wasn't upset about it at that particular time.

that's not a pass by any means, it's just a truth statement. the precise situation this pisses me off in is when i'm trying to read and i can't because i'm stoned from the second-hand smoke or when i can't keep my eyes open because i'm burnt out from it and don't want to be; the smell itself is rank, but when it's hot like this i keep the windows open and sit in my own sweat, so in the broader scope of things i might care a lot less if it wasn't having a physical effect on me. if i'm between parties, or nursing a hangover, the effects are kind of bordering on trivial...

of course, i eventually come out of those hangovers and want to be clear-minded. that's the difference between the tenant downstairs and i - i like to have fun with intoxicants, sure, but i deeply value the long stretches of sobriety that i have in between. i even call those stretches of sobriety life. the tenant downstairs wants to be stoned 24/7 and seems to go into "panic attacks" (called withdrawals.) when she gets sober. as marijuana builds tolerance with frequent use, she smokes more drugs in a day than i might in an average three or four month season. and i'm not exaggerating.

but, while i'm nursing a hangover? yeah - i could smell it. sure. i could smell it all weekend, and i could smell it all week. but, i actually haven't smelled anything yet tonight. note that it's the end of the month. so, it's got me wondering if i got lucky and she left...

but, am i some kind of hypocrite? i don't think so. smoking isn't binary; i think a lot of people have a hard time getting their head around this because it's presented to us that way so often. you smoke or you don't, right? but that's not true. just because i like to smoke a little at the bar once in a while doesn't forfeit my right to sobriety and clean air for the other 25 or 27 days of the month, and the idea that it does is really just ridiculous. if you like a glass of wine at christmas does that make you an alcoholic? so, why do we have these weird ideas about smoking? i don't see anything inconsistent or disingenuous about this. and, i might even argue that i'd stil have the right to complain even if i was a habitual smoker, if the amount coming up from downstairs was legitimately bothering me.

i think the key point is showering. i haven't showered since i got back on tuesday morning; it's now been about 55 hours since i woke up on tuesday afternoon. i've been sleeping, napping, sweating, drinking water, typing, reading, eating - but i haven't really gotten up and out of bed for any substantive purpose, yet. it's time to start thinking about that shower. and, once i get out of it, i'll be wanting to have that focus on sobriety again for the next 10-15 days or so, and not be dragged down by the second-hand smoke.

the tenant downstairs may be getting very frustrated by the heat in the unit, and the inability of her a/c to work properly when i have the windows open like this. well, it's the same basic problem. there's no flooring. so, the a/c is no doubt useless down there for the same reason the smoke comes right up - it's like running an a/c in an open barn with all the doors open. was that enough to get her out? well, i'll be here all summer, anyways, at the very least...

like i say: right now, i want to get a bunch of that rebuild done. let's hope i can get season 6 done before the sun comes up.