i think i mentioned that i sent a fax to the endocrinologist on thursday asking for him to send a fax to my doctor giving him the ok to boost the cyproterone to 200 mg. the fax was very detailed and very clear, laying out the situation as it exists and clarifying the science as it actually is. he called me on his own time, a little after 16:00 - which just verifies that i'm a good essayist, but i knew that. his response was something not dissimilar to what the doctor himself said, although he filled in the detail that cyproterone may be linked to temporary abscesses in the brain at high doses, which struck me as obscure. but, regardless, if it were up to me entirely, i'd rather die of brain cancer than be forced to exist as a male - that's a risk i'll happily accept. but, he wouldn't do it...
his position was that my testosterone was not too high, as it was in the low end of the normal female reference range, but that my estrogen was perhaps too low, as it was at the bottom of the potential female reference range. really, it's my total hormone level that seemed low. so, he suggested i move to estrogen injections, which i'm not interested in due to the mood swings.
but, it's not the reason i contacted him - i'm not trying to increase my feminization, i'm trying to maximize my demasculinization. and, these are related but different concepts, when you're accepting female hormones and still stuck with an essentially male physiology. they work together, when you want a full transition, as i do. but, they're independent for a lot of trans people, in real life - who do seek to maximize feminization without really fully demasculinizing, as that allows them to continue having sex (which i don't want to do at all).
i don't want that, though, remotely. at all.
really, if i wanted to keep the penis, i'd hit the gym and become a gay man. the whole point of this is to not do that, because it's not really what i want.
so, what's the use of boosting my estrogen if i can't get my testosterone down? the potential outcome - a sexually arousable transsexual person - is a premise i actually find kind of disgusting. if i have to make a choice, i'd rather have low estrogen and zero testosterone than high estrogen and mid-range testosterone. i don't want to be fully passable and still be able to get an erection - i want to get rid of the penis, entirely, first, and then focus on the total feminization.
so, my basic position is that, if i can't get rid of my penis first, i don't really want to transition, anyways - i don't want to exist in this creepy middle point where i'm having sexual arousal concerns in between genders. yuck. i'd rather just be gay.
i don't identify as a transvestite or a drag queen or a transsexual. i'm a straight woman. when i fantasize about having sex, as rare as it is, i fantasize about having vaginal sex with straight men. there is none of this weird, creepy, in-between shit in there at all. there never was.
and, it is at the root cause of why i decided over ten years ago that i would not have sex until after the operation - and why i haven't had sex, at all, since then.
stated differently, i don't really want to draw too much sexual attention to myself until after i've gotten rid of my penis. i don't want that to be an option for potential sexual partners to request; i want it off the table, so i don't have to deal with it.
so, boosting my estrogen levels is not what i want, at this time. what i want at this time is a complete eradication of any lingering sexual activity in my testes. i don't want a tit job; what i want is castration.
so, he couched it in different language, but my perception was he basically didn't get it, in the same way my family doctor didn't get it. he didn't seem to want to facilitate my desire for total testosterone annihilation, because he seemed to think he knows what i want better than i do, despite having spoken to me for a total of five minutes. he seemed to think i'd be happier in this gross in-between role, and just ignored me when i insisted otherwise.
when i told him that the safety data sheet said the maximum dosage was 300 and i'm only asking for 200, he just said "but, you don't need it.". clearly, i do need it. so, he was full of shit, and just trying to stop me from castrating myself.
and, this is beyond stupid, because when i tell you "i don't want this", i mean it. and, we're just going to frustrate each other until i get what i want, in the end.
there was an upside to this, which is that he was able to direct me to a surgeon in windsor that will do the operation for me. i have funding. so, i sent that fax to my family doctor, and i hope he gets a quick response. i'd rather get the operation than boost the dosage - my initial concern, after all, was the longterm effects of heavy cyproterone use on my liver.
once i get the testicles removed, we can look at boosting estrogen levels, from there - so that i'm not in this weird, gross middle point that i don't want to be in, at all.
for right now, i need to call the pharmacy and see what i can and can't get. i was able to renew the rx over the phone last night, but i don't know if that's legit or not. it may be as easy as picking it up in a few hours. i'll have to call to get clearer information.