so, my mom finally admitted that she smoked when she was pregnant with me. there was also a period of early drinking, when she didn't realize she was pregnant - and she's a heavy drinker, when she drinks.

i've asked her that more than twice, and she always denied it. i can understand a level of embarrassment, and tying it to a level of perceived consequence - if there's nothing wrong with me, right? but, it's a very likely cause of low testosterone, and fits very neatly into the puzzle.

i don't remember her pregnancy with my full sister, but she used to sneak smokes when she was pregnant with my half-sister. quitting smoking is hard, and it was clear she didn't intend to keep with it afterwards.

so, here's a sequence of events to help me understand how to react to the bmd:

- my mom smoked during pregnancy, as well as when i was an infant and into childhood. i wasn't removed from the situation until i was about 13.

- that would have stunted pubertal development, and reduced testosterone production.

- removing me from the situation at 13 seems to have only had minimal effects.

- along with what i realize today was a poor diet based mostly on restaurant leftovers and frozen food (like microwaved burritos) due to generally preparing my own meals (my father was at least attentive enough to ensure there was sufficient amounts of food, so i wasn't hungry, even if that food was very frequently of low quality), i probably never developed substantive levels of bone mass. my stepmother was faux lactose intolerant (she had some kind of weird issue with milk products due to it's fat content, pretended she was lactose intolerant and banned dairy from entering the house), so you had to fight with her to get dairy in the house. there was never milk around, although i successfully lobbied for cheese - although she only allowed low fat varieties. my mom at least made sure i got dairy. 

- so, i went from second-hand smoke to no dairy, and the latter may have even been worse.

- i remember having sore joints from walking in the 00s (in my 20s), before i went back on hormones.

- that seems to have gotten better after 2010, and seems to have gotten much better after 2016 (when i increased my estrogen dosage)

- the switch to generic seems to be decreasing absorption, but it's probably merely unmasking a pre-existing condition.

short term solution - more estrogen.

and, let's measure it first and then react.

i talk to the doctor again on monday and can order growth hormone tests as well as some other things. hopefully, osteocalcin will be here soon.