so, i'm going through these old emails and the most bizarre thing is going through my mind: i want to go back to school.

i say that like it's some kind of shock. it's not, or not exactly, it's that.....

i was such a mess at the time, the archetype of the kid that just doesn't know what to do with themselves. and, i was just a kid. i had no idea at 20 what i wanted to do with myself; i knew i liked music, but i knew i needed to find some way to pay my bills, so i found myself dragging myself through these programs, while daydreaming about how to get out of them, and then, at the end of it, i just completely abandoned everything.

i didn't go to the government interviews because i didn't want a government job, i wanted to work in academia. then, i didn't go to grad school, because i didn't want to be a teacher, i wanted to work in the private sector. then, i didn't finish the programming degree because i didn't want to work in an office behind a computer. then, i didn't finish the law degree because i didn't want to rubber stamp corruption. and, it was just like - fuck it, i'm going to finish my art and go from there...

but, that's just another way to put something off, right? i had an abstract end date of 40 years old: i'd be done the art by my 40th birthday, and then focus on academic work one way or the other, whether that means going back to school or just working on the website. and, i was making good progress until mid 2015, when the shit hit the fan - and, now, 50 seems like a more realistic goal.

i don't feel this is something out of the public discourse, but it's out of a novel or something - real people don't do this, right? real people figure out one thing or another, they don't walk down all these dead-ends, only to retrace the same steps again.

the thing is that i'm remembering how much of a disaster the whole thing was. i wasn't just your typical unfocused kid, i also had anxiety problems that made it impossible to meet people. i had gender issues. i was on drugs. i spent something like five semesters without a fixed address, trying to teach myself group theory from a distance, between jobs, at 3:33 am, stoned, in my girlfriend's stairwell - it was insane. and, i found myself malnourished and underfed half the time, on top of it. but, how do you explain that to your profs, you know?

"i'm sorry my assignment is late, but my parents kicked me out of the house, so i had to spend the week trying to find somewhere to sleep."

i should have dropped courses and went back later, but i was over-confident about it, and decided i could work it out. and, besides - i had no other source of income besides student loans.

the thing is that i had strong semesters of straight As, too. i've been over this before - my transcript is bizarre. it's half As and half Ds, because i either aced courses or blew them - because i was either stable and focused or completely disinterested or often actually literally starving.

i'm alumni, so i can register at carleton. but, the cost is prohibitive. and, it won't be until i finish the discography, however long it takes...

...but, if i find myself back in a legitimately stable position, in the long run? yeah.

what i decided is that if i'm going to teach, i don't want to start until i'm in my 50s or 60s. to me, that's the right age to teach - when you're older. young people should live lives, not just move from the desk to the board. and, students deserve somebody with some life experience - not some kid out of grad school.

i'm not re-evaluating. i'm just reflecting.