i know that people might guffaw at this, but the annoying truth is that i've never been able to build substantive friendships with women because they all want to fuck me, and the feeling just simply isn't mutual. every time i've tried, i've just ended up frustrated by the reality that they're not able to interpret me in the gender i identify as. i don't bother.

further, i can't build friendships with men because i end up repressing an attraction to them, and it's not fair for me to be dishonest about that. i've avoided this in recent years, as well.

i cannot expect any kind of meaningful social existence until i can fully transition, first, and people can drop their delusions and misperceptions - until women are no longer attracted to me and can interpret me as one of them, and until men stop broing me, without realizing i want them to fuck me. there's just no reasonable way forward, there; there's no set of outcomes besides frustration and wastes of time.

until then, i will continue to live a solitary existence because the social pressures are too difficult for me to deal with. 

i'd rather just sit alone by myself than have to deal with expectations i don't want.