i'm convinced that this drugging is rooted in a misperception of my sexuality, which i've written about the long way here on multiple occasions. so, let me try the short version.
- while i always felt more like a girl, serious gender dysphoria didn't start to sink in until around high school
- i have memories of young girls being attracted to me as a pre-teen and being confused when i didn't react to them. there was one little girl that explicitly hit on me, and i went to the teacher to ask him to ask her to stop, and he didn't understand, either. so, while i didn't have a formed identity at the time, i was certainly a queer kid, and the only reaction i got from anybody around me was that i was too stupid to understand the benefits of girls chasing me around.
- i have distinct memories of being attracted to boys in my class in grades 7-12, and also the first two years of university, but no memories of being attracted to girls in my class. i didn't act on these impulses, and didn't even really understand them at the time. i know that people that knew me at the time have remarked to me that my disinterest in girls was an idiosyncrasy, and something they noticed about me; i had no interest, and they knew i had no interest because i broadcast it pretty clearly, and i'm pretty sure they had to tell a few that asked about me that i had no interest.
- in fact, i was not as oblivious as i came off as - i did in fact realize that there were girls that were attracted to me in high school, and i reacted by going out of my way to avoid them because i didn't want to deal with the stigma of coming out as explicitly queer. when i knew that a girl was interested in me, i would avoid being in the same space as them for as long as it took for them to move on. some didn't move on at all, and the avoidance occurred over 4 or 5 years. my prerogative, at the time, was strict avoidance in an attempt to prevent a conflict. the unintended consequence of this was that i didn't build any substantive friendships with the gender i identified as, because i was too busy avoiding their sexual interest, which i did not want.
- during this period, i identified as a homosexual male online and simply didn't explore the issue in real life. i had dysphoric feelings from the start of puberty or before it, around the age of 13-14, but i suppressed them as unrealistic fantasies. these feelings became unmanageable around the age of 20.
- so, i did not date in high school. at all. my tactic was total avoidance of the issue, and i assumed at the time that i would maintain a tactic of avoidance for as long as i was alive.
- the dysphoria became unmanageable during the second year of university, and i went to see a psychiatrist about it, eventually starting hormone therapy at the end of second year.
- i was a complete and total virgin when i went on hormones - i had never had sex, i had never kissed anybody, i had never been on a date, i had never asked anybody on a date and i had turned down a few people that indicated interest in me. i had the sexual (im)maturity and experience of a 10-11 year-old.
- i got a job as a coffee barista in the fall of that year.
- there was a girl that worked there that aggressively pursued me, and i finally relented. smartly appealing to my empirically-driven nature, she insisted i couldn't know if i liked sex until i tried it and convinced me to conduct an experiment.
- my absolute lack of sexual and emotional maturity was unable to deal with what followed, at first. but, in the end, i made a clear decision: the experiment failed.
- that was in the mid 00s, and i have not had sex since.
so, i tried the experiment, and the experiment produce a clear result - i didn't like it.