as mentioned, i don't think i suffer from depression. like, at all. and, i was the happiest i've ever been when i got back on hormones - i finally felt alive, like i could be myself. but, i'm overwhelmingly depressed right now, in a way i've never really felt before. and, i need to find a way to permanently eliminate my ability to produce testosterone (which is the cause of the depression) in order to undo it.
i'm not just tired. i'm cloudy - experiencing a sort of brain fog. i smell terribly, and i'm too depressed to care. i feel and look disgusting, and i'm disgusted with myself for being this way.
i've now received four firm nos, and i cannot reach the other four doctors. i cannot travel until the end of the pandemic, and will no doubt face extremely long waits to get access to a surgeon, anyways. and, i can't cross the border, even.
i need to resign myself to months or years on the kind of doses of testosterone suppression that are usually reserved for cancer patients. and, if i can't get access to it, i'm going to detransition - and have to deal with the effects of this horrible chemical ravaging my body and my mind, and turning me into an idiot.
i just woke up from a dream where i had a woman that i don't recognize - a girl, really. she looked about 19. - try everything she could could to have sex with me, and i just ignored her. like, the dream was about avoiding sex. if it expressed some deep, inner desire, that's what that deep, inner desire is - an absolute disinterest in sex with women, at the least. and, it mirrors my life experiences. i can't count the number of times i've had women aggressively seek out sex with me, only to find myself utterly revolted by the premise of it. the one woman i gave into, all those years ago, under pleas that i experiment, was such a counter-example to the norm. there's basically no possibility i'll repeat that mistake.
i haven't had a dream like that in something like 10 years.
but, these are the changes that my body chemistry is undergoing against my will, and that i seem to have no recourse to stop.
i've taken to breathing exercises to ignore it. i don't know what else to do.
the amount of this drug that i want to take is clinically safe, and there's not a good reason i can't get a sufficient supply of it other than the arbitrary dosage requirements set out in the literature, which are clearly not working. i can only hope i get a nice surprise tomorrow....