if you've ever had a golden retriever, you understand the psychological trauma that throwing a basketball is putting them through, even if they react like perfect stoics. it is little known that the first golden retriever was marcus aurelius, who was the offspring of an earlier emperor, and the horse that he married. after all, horses are just big, stupid dogs; when you mate a horse with a human, you backcross and implement dwarfism, creating golden retrievers. it's genetically obvious.

i've had a number of these creatures around. there was a goldie, a minnie and the unfortunately named lou, who didn't understand she was a dog. you know the type. well, she didn't have a dog name. what did anybody expect?

golden retrievers are hardwired to the innermost depths of their souls to catch and retrieve. they have to do it. it's an impulsive mental health issue, and when they start retrieving shoes, or food, or toddlers, it becomes an obsession that affects their day to day lives, and justifies seeking and requiring help.

when you throw a basketball at a golden retriever, what is going through it's mind is "i get to catch! i love to catch!", and so the dog jumps up to catch the ball, to satisfy this primal urge that it has to release. of course, it fails due to the physical reality that the ball cannot fit in the dog's mouth, which it lacks the mathematical education in geometry to calculate beforehand. this is a crushing level of failure.

as mentioned, the first golden retriever was marcus aurelius, and all goldens since then have been deep stoics. you will never know how crushed and devastated your golden is, unless in immense pain, and it will still kiss you. emotions are for weakling dogs.

please, people - throw your goldens things it can catch. stop torturing it like this. it's viciously cruel.