which ninja turtle is bart simpson?
some eventual ninja turtle film should feature an anthropomorphic testudine with a weaponized skateboard and a slingshot. cowabunga. dude.
anyways.
i lost this weekend in a haze, coming down from an unwanted drugging on thursday. i've been dirty and tired for days, and doing little but cleaning and sleeping, but i'm coming out of it now and hopefully i can have a more productive week.
1:33
the wife from toronto showed up last night; it seems like she followed her here.
they ended up yelling at each other.
she's in the car; he's going to town.
note that yesterday was the wedding anniversary.
it is strongly possible that the marriage is collapsing after all.
i don't expect that she's going to go home. what's left to determine is if she's going to try to move in upstairs or if they're going to move out somewhere else.
as stated, i would be ecstatic to rid myself of them. the other guys upstairs are doofuses, but they don't seem to be dangerous junkies like this loser guy and this deranged woman are.
9:29
they seem to fuck loudly for thirty seconds, stop to snort more meth, fuck for a few more seconds, etc. it's perpetual. it seems sort of pathetic, but they go for long periods and don't seem to do anything else.
they're clearly both into it, at least, which is good for them. i guess.
9:38
as stated, i'm concerned about what happens to the house and the tenancy.
i hope they leave, and i hope the wife (who owns the house) sells.
like, if she moves in, she might have to pay rent. she doesn't own the property, her (ex)-wife does.
9:41
they've been going now for about seven hours. they must be taking mdma, amongst whatever else.
the one that's usually staying in toronto (the butch one) and that actually owns the property and that was asked to leave this morning has removed the "married" tag from her facebook profile. it's very sad and everything, but it's actually good news for me, as all evidence is that the woman that is still here lost her job and won't be able to afford to pay rent. if the marriage is done, it's a matter of time before these losers get kicked out and i can return to some level of normalcy. her self-destruction is nearing completion, which means these horrible people are likely on the brink of being removed from my life.
it's the two that are fucking that are the specific threat to my space, in terms of changing locks and/or stealing my stuff. i do think that the actual reason she's been here for weeks on end is that she was waiting for me to leave to change the locks; she just ended up getting hooked on drugs, losing her job, getting divorced and getting into a relationship with a kid half her age while she was waiting for me to go. i actually even told her that wouldn't happen.
the guy isn't even very attractive, unless you're into little boys; as stated repeatedly, he looks like he's about 14. the woman is not bad looking for her age, but she's 45 and looks it; she's borderline overweight, as most women her age are. this is a young man that can't get laid and a middle aged woman that has chosen to evade real sex for so long her brain fell out bonding over meth. it's the drugs.
there is an actual good looking man kicking around here lately that i've seen come in and out of the garage and that may live across the street, but he's not the drug runner. most of the boys coming in and out of here look like children, so the one that actually looks like a man does stand out. i'd be fucking that guy, if it were actually about a libido; it's about the drugs.
it may be transitory, but i hope they keep at it long enough to get themselves thrown out of here, before they wake up. this mexican standoff looks set to end with their gun imploding in their hands and shooting shrapnel back at them.
17:35
he left to get something. presumably.
i got a request from upstairs.
"play smashing pumpkins".
i don't take requests. i'm not a dj, i'm a composer. she may not have known exactly who she was talking to, or who was in the room or the building with her, either, let alone what day it is or even where she is.
but the voice was...childlike. not high pitched, exactly, but vacant.
she may have checked out. she may never come back.
17:37
17:53
i actually suspect she wants the new record.
i'm playing pisces iscariot, instead. it's a pity spin. out of empathy.
18:13
if he left because she ran out of money, she might be left to come down and become self-aware of and understand what's happening by herself.
18:14
i'm learning that the lesbian that got rejected this morning, michelle crispe, is close friends with krista ford, doug ford's daughter. doug ford is the current premier of ontario. they played together in the toronto triumph, of the lingerie football league. the tenants upstairs are manufacturing and selling meth, and i'm realizing that they probably met michelle crispe at the local strip club.
i was beginning to conclude that something like this must be the case.
the may have a large ability to deal drugs with impunity, due to political connections.
that could still very well lead to the sale of the place.
23:59
wednesday, august 2, 2023
justin trudeau's marriage was always weird. sophie gregoire was engaged to his brother, before he died in a freak skiing accident. it's consequently always seemed arranged, like pierre's marriage to margaret. i've been seeing odd news reports of sophie and her "friends" for years.
it is likely step one of trudeau stepping down, although i also suspect it has to do with trudeau finally giving into the urge to fuck his cabinet ministers, who surely realize why they got promoted.
20:38
thursday, august 3, 2023
i want to do this at least monthly. the hair is red, but it's not always obvious in these shots.
i stopped doing monthly persies like ten years ago, but the hair cut means i'm getting back to them.
it's...growing.
what do i look like in these pictures? dude in makeup? girl with short hair?
there's an overlap, obviously - dudes in makeup and girls with short hair can be interchangeable. i look more than a little like a 90s winona ryder:
(there's some jewish on my mom's side and my dna test came back ~3% jewish, just enough to be sure it's actually there)
my hair is just still a little too short to pull it off. i will look more and more like winona ryder as the hair grows in. the last time i had short hair, i was just starting hormones, and it wasn't as obvious; now that i've been on hormones for years, the similarity is and will become more apparent.
with blonde hair, i often look a lot like my full genetic sister, or my maternal aunt, both of which are blonde. however, my mother is a brunette. with red hair like this, i actually look quite a bit like my mom.
4:35
she keeps doing things like txting me when i come in from outside, and then claims she isn't in town. like, i've seen her walking around outside. clearly. then she claims she's in toronto.
either she's stalking me, which seems exceedingly unlikely (but perhaps consistent with the mindset she's in, if not consistent with her behaviour) or she's casing the unit.
either way, it doesn't insinuate trust and at this point i not only do not trust but actively distrust them.
i now have enough groceries to last until september, after getting a delivery this morning. that blows the summer. annoyingly. but, it also gets over an inflection point, which is the start of the school year.
the reality is that this basement is not exciting enough to fight over for years on end. i expect a change in mindset to set in in the next 6 weeks, along with whatever changes are associated with the life changes occurring in the owners' lives.
8:44
they scheduled a plumber for the day, and he goes into the garage after he talks to me.
the owner's wife is living in the garage so she can shoot heroin and snort meth and is apparently having sex for money to pay for it.
9:57
at least she's not assistant crack whore.
10:01
how do i get into these situations?
fuck.
10:02
this was a clean, stable living arrangement a few months ago.
did i have a message on my shirt that said "i want biker gang crack whores to buy my house and steal my shit."
?
dammit.
what the fuck.
10:03
the crazy bitch actually wanted to rape me, but i cut my hair right before she had the chance, so she had to settle for becoming a crack whore, instead,
10:05
i'm trying to get pictures of the upstairs tenants smoking marijuana with the owner on the back porch for a civil suit. the property is non-smoking.
i'm pretty sure i saw her and that she's actually cross-dressing when she hangs out with them. when she's having sex with them, it would consequently be in male drag.
that's a quirky twist. i can tell you that if i was weirded out by a lesbian woman wanting to fuck me, i'm that much more weird out by a transmale thinking i'd be into some kind of role reversal.
a transfemale fucking a transmale is just heterosexual sex in drag.
my analysis is that she's not trans anything, she's just a heterosexual female having difficulty discarding of her enforced lesbian identity. her attraction to men is not because her homosexuality is male homosexuality in place of female homosexuality, but because she's not homosexual at all. she's realizing she likes men after all, but she doesn't want to discard of her gay identity so she's going into transition instead of just dealing with the fact that she's het.
that said, she does clearly enjoy the company of toxic men, and it would be due to her personality aligning with them. that in itself is not indicative of trans-identity, and especially not in a situation where all she needed was to fucking get laid for the first time in however many years. "high maintenance" blonde women often prefer toxic assholes over nice guys. it's a well-established phenomenon.
if she's going into transition, that might be why she's hiding in the garage in windsor and not wanting to go home, or otherwise looking to start over, and that might indicate that if she's moving here she's not taking her kids.
as a transfemale, i'd be happy to be supportive of her choice to transition into a male, but not if she's going to keep smoking drugs on the property. as it is, we clearly don't have anything in common, and i don't know what support i could really offer her. i am the diametric opposite of her.
18:57
i support people making their own choices, but my interpretation of her is that she's a high maintenance blonde that likes loser guys and that that's actually pretty normal, and not trans-anything or a clinical reason to transition, except in the context of having a hard time undoing her gay identity and not wanting to lose being gay. regardless, i hope she figures it out.
19:03
am i the opposite?
am i actually a gay male that wants to fuck men and transitioned because i don't want to lose my straight identity?
well, i do not identify as gay, i identify as queer. there may be something subconscious there.
however, i have a more practical claim to the value of transition, in terms of sex: anal sex hurts. i do not enjoy anal sex, even as i'm totally sub. it's a primary reason i don't have sex at all.
i also just don't come off as a gay man. i've really never been (mis)interpreted as gay, ever. most people falsely assume i'm attracted to women and are surprised to find out i'm not. i'm frequently misinterpreted as a lesbian; i identify as a straight female.
i think my analysis of this particular women is correct, but don't generalize it. it doesn't apply to all transmen, and i'm not claiming it does. this woman was just stuck in a shit lesbian relationship with a boring dork and needed to get laid and is having difficulty processing it.
19:25
they're constantly having aggressive, violent sex. the male drag is a different twist on it.
i would not have been remotely into it; i like sensual, soft sex. if she tried to get violent with me, i would have punched her in the face, and i would have laughed at her if she asked for it.
she wanted a straight male and she got one. that's good for her. now, can the two of them move out to their own place and leave this space alone?
19:45
friday, august 4, 2023
could you imagine having to suffer through tolerating losers that look like this retard after moving into the other unit in your duplex?
can we petition oxford to include this picture in their next edition, beside the word "loser"?
what is he trying to be, a pimp or a white rapper?
he looks like he'd have trouble finding somebody to let him pay them for sex. it is confirmed: these losers spend a lot of time at the local strip club.
a loser like that would have to come up with a lot of money before i'd consider letting him touch me. yuck. gross.
he's the kind of guy that gets pepper sprayed by women he hits on at night clubs.
when i was his age, we would have called him a "wigger" and viciously made fun of him for it. i don't know if that's still contemporary, but i know that white people pretending to be black hasn't become any less socially unacceptable, even if the analysis has evolved somewhat.
2:49
august 4, 2023
how does sex trafficking work?
- first, they get you addicted to drugs. meth is a common hook.
- then they lure you in with what is initially consensual sex under the influence of the drugs.
- then they trap you somewhere and rape you. repeatedly.
what happens next is one of those difficult points of human biology that liberals find hard to accept, but is simply real. the repeated raping under the influence of drugs then eventually becomes pleasurable, and then becomes desirable and then becomes the addiction, itself. the converted slave desires the sex more than the drugs. they then not only work for free but crave it and enjoy it and are excited about it and willingly hand over the money to their pimp in exchange for more sex, for the reason that they are so addicted to the sex. if the slave has bank accounts, property or assets, the pimp also takes control of all of the finances of their conquest.
when i hear violent sex occurring upstairs and i know there's drugs involved and i know there's a network of crime driving it, the idea of trafficking is a very real one.
7:34
august 5, 2023
they asked somebody with a degree in freudian pseudoscience for their opinion. that's the problem.
let's be clear.
in my opinion, this is sexy:
this, on the other hand, is utterly disgusting:
and, this is a fucking loser:
2:12
i think she took the kid home with her to toronto this weekend; either way, they both seem to be gone and the difference in everything is dramatic. i'm not convinced that the other tenants are using hard drugs at all, the bad music isn't playing, there's no second-hand smoke, the apparent sound of constant violent rape has stopped, etc.
i'm not sure that the crunk woman and the kid going to toronto for the weekend makes any direct difference, in terms of the safety of the space. however, it does suggest that they intend to move on, which is ideal. i'll have to reanalyze the situation in terms of the safety of the space if it appears that they're gone. they'll have to let everybody know what that means to them in terms of the ownership of the property. i don't actually care about their marriage.
if it stays quiet and clean, i will have nothing to complain about, which indicates that the source of the problems was really strictly the kid, and perhaps actually even dominantly the crunk woman. if they throw him out or otherwise relocate him, it might be all that's necessary to salvage the situation. however, if the marriage stays in tact, and she gets bored with him five minutes after they've resettled him, the possibility that this will happen again in six months or six weeks will be perpetual. the best outcome from my perspective would be if the marriage breaks up in such a way that essentially bans both the crunk woman and the kid from the property, but i'm not sure i'm going to get along so well with the other one, either. that would probably necessitate a sale, but i don't know.
i did not get my legal work done last week and need to really focus on that this weekend. i need to take advantage of the lull in the drug use.
3:15
this is the kind of thing i'm dealing with from the landlord.
landlord: we're both on the line.
me: in windsor?
landlord: no. in toronto. where i live. i've only been to windsor about twice.
me: ok. (*rolls eyes*.)
.
.
.
me: i'm just looking for something clean and safe, and these guys are dirty and threatening.
landlord: we've been in the unit for at least ten random inspections and it's always immaculately clean.
now, i didn't tell her she contradicted herself, in telling me that she's done ten random inspections but only been here twice. it's pointless. the truth is that these are drug addicts and they lie because they have no concept of reality. it's normal behaviour for addicts to constantly lie. in fact, you can identify an addict by their dishonesty. but, how do you deal with a landlord like this? this woman has a key to my place.
the truth is that the one basically lives here with one of the tenants, and the place is utterly filthy. however, i actually meant their habits, namely the smoking, the drug use, the purchasing of sex workers in the unit, etc.
they are certainly both gone right now. it's actually peaceful here without them. no evidence yet of a change in circumstances coming from toronto or, i suspect, potentially from ottawa.
11:42
i might have just heard them bring their kids in here.
they can't enter the unit without a court order.
12:36
the cargo van is to move the (young) kids in or move the kid and the crunk woman out.
it's not clear.
i obviously hope for the latter.
12:46
well, they're hanging out here, it seems, but they're also quiet. i can't complain if they're quiet.
i think they needed somewhere to come down.
after thinking it through, i think they're going to load that van up and go back to toronto tomorrow or the next day.
14:53
does that mean i win?
well, i'm not competitive. and we're not done yet. but i've won a battle, if i haven't yet won the war.
14:55
the reason the house ended up on the high end market is because of the sexy tranny in the basement.
after looking at the cars in the laneway, that just clicked.
removing me from the property would be terrible for resale value.
the white van is gone. she might be out of here for good.
19:43
sunday, august 6, 2023
i have now seen motorcycles in the garage, which confirms that the place is in fact under the control of some sort of biker club, of some nature.
13:04
monday, august 7, 2023
that was a very strange weekend and i don't have any comment other than that it seems to be out of my system and i'm happy about it.
for the record, i've been taking estrogen full time since 2008 and have been female-presenting since about 2010. that's a long time. i am a pretty girl; the fact that i had to cut my hair recently doesn't change the fact that i'm a pretty girl.
i cannot be drugged out of being a pretty girl and the proposition that i can is a consequence of a basely ignorant concept of gender identity.
13:39
the organ used on a number of the songs i recorded between 2001 and 2003 was a bontempi electric air reed organ that i purchased at a garage sale for $5. it was very similar or identical to this one:
the organ appears on songs that were included in rabit is wolf projects and songs that were not, including but not limited to the adventures in guitarland:
that is a picture of me with dyed blonde hair taken outside of the old zaphod's in ottawa c. 2005 by my friend jon's girlfriend, "peach" and run through a cartoon filter sometime near the start of the obama presidency. i am the sole musician on the above recording.
the organ was left with my father and stepmother when i went to bc and thrown in the garbage when i was gone. my stepmother found the item to be too lower class to be allowed in her house.
the item was very old and required a motor replacement. the device is essentially an electronic accordion, with a motor that operates the air pump. the distinctive sound of the organ in my recordings comes from the artifacts introduced by the digital noise reduction (via cool edit pro) used to remove the background noise from the fan, which is warbly and leslie-ish. it's difficult to impossible to accurately recreate in a live context.
i wrote and performed all of the organ parts in all of the various projects that appear at my bandcamp site.
the only other musicians that appear are a multi-instrumentalist named greg, who i used as a drummer for a few tracks, and a singer named sean, who i also used as a stunt artist to generate raw sound, which i then manipulated further. they both appear on a handful of tracks and are best listed as guest contributors.
21:31
wednesday, august 9, 2023
there's currently some freak biker upstairs yelling about being a brother to these kids (who they would appear to be trying to recruit), and sounding like matt foley while he's at it.
the kids are dumb enough to be into it, too, from what i can hear.
ugh.
21:29
thursday, august 10, 2023
i'm not sure what exactly is supposed to be "gay" about a father taking his son to see a film that is essentially a soft porn barrage of margot robbie images.
i'd consider going to a football game to be far more gay than that.
i mean, i'm always left wondering why football games never turn into anal sex orgies on field. the linemen are basically constantly making out. you've got tight ends lining up with defensive backs, which just screams hot fucking. you've even got safeties in case things get out of control. i don't get it.
16:40
sunday, august 13, 2023
i'm back on the bicycle and the combination of losing the 5-10 pounds or so i put on by not biking in june and july and the estrogen increase i assigned myself is that my curves are really coming out. i've been b/c cup for years but am moving firmly into a c cup, which is a much rounder breast, which i'm a lot happier with. the result of the orchiectomy is that my hips are coming out. my legs are looking great from the biking, too.
it's a pity about the hair. really.
the first evidence that the lesbians are on the brink has just appeared and i'm really glad i'm not in the middle of it, which is a consequence of the hair cut. if i thought she took the kid back to toronto, now she's apparently taken him to ottawa to meet her parents.
a woman her age may feel a stigma regarding being unwed, which is absurd, and something i suspect she'd have viciously criticized five years ago, when i might have gotten along with her better, but this woman seems to have brutally red-pilled and that's the kind of thing that happens when you fall into the abyss of the right-wing. i suspect she'll remarry within a few days of getting divorced. however, if going home for the weekend might be interpreted as a cry for help, the people around her should take note of it; she's on drugs, she's lost her mind, she needs intervention.
what that means for me is that all of this bullshit is likely to completely clear out. if she's gone, the kid is gone and the entire nature of the situation is likely to dramatically change, especially if the remaining owner puts the property up for sale.
i'm going to have to keep waiting, but this is a signal that a potential break in the mexican standoff may be forthcoming.
7:45
monday, august 14, 2023
i stopped working on the windows 7 machine around july 20th to finish some legal writing and have spent much of the last month writing aborted appeals. the court strung me along by giving me an option for appeal and then taking it away by reframing the question at law. i tried to oppose the reframing, but got prevented from filing it at the court of appeal, and then tried to challenge it, before the time ran out and the ruling came down mid-process. the ruling came in on july 29th; i spent the last few days of the month cleaning and the first few days of the month ordering things and waiting for them to get delivered, while getting back to a regular exercise routine and struggling with working through the email related to the legal work. at the end of it, i decided that i cannot appeal the initial decision to deny me of inherent jurisdiction because inherent jurisdiction is a discretionary concept and there was simply no error of law. in context, i cannot claim procedural unfairness, either, because there is a clause in the legislation
what i wanted was for the court to take control of the oiprd report and analyze the situation de novo. i believe that it is unambiguously clear that i was a target of police harassment, but the system allows the police to investigate themselves and makes it borderline impossible to get a meaningful appeal in front of an actual judge. what i've been trying to do for years is put a clear, open and shut case in front of an actual judge and i can't get a judge to actually look at it, i can only get a judge to review the decision made by the police (and when they did, they agreed it was flawed and sent it back, but wouldn't analyze it themselves). it used to be routine for the court to take over reports and redo them for the inferior agencies, but a new ruling (vavilov) that was released the same week that i filed reversed the previous precedent and now restricts that to very rare occurrences.
what that means is that i'll need to ask the civil trial judge to do the de novo review instead. it also means that the next thing i do after i get the windows 7 machine up is file a lawsuit against the windsor police for arbitrary detention.
i will be back to that this week and should hopefully even finish it up before friday.
4:39
you realize that every sexy woman in the world exercises on a bicycle, right?
if there was some perception that my utilization of bicycles rather than cars was masculinizing, that should be rethought. obviously? i don't even have a driver's license because i think cars are evil. i think that race cars are gross and guys that drive race cars are gross; i'd rather hang out with a hot guy with a bicycle than some douche bag with a fast car. every model, every dancer, every actress, every sexy bitch ever includes bicycles as a part of their exercise routine.
you have to exercise to be hot. women that don't exercise are not hot. that's just how it is.
the reason bicycles are more effective for women, particularly, than other forms of exercise is that they are not resistance training. what that means is that bicycles are particularly effective at weight loss, as cardio, because they don't result in building any sort of muscle. bicycles will keep you thin and toned without making you look like a dude.
i don't ride a bicycle as my primary form of cardio despite being trans, i ride a bicycle as the primary component in my exercise routine because i am trans. it's the absolute best exercise a trans girl can get.
9:37
i should also point out that, while i didn't get the court to evaluate the legality of the arrest via a de novo review, i did get both of the officers that frivolously arrested me fired.
i repeat - both the cops got fired. the reason they got fired is that the ministry didn't want the report of what happened coming out, because it realized i got attacked for being queer. rather than have that report written, the ministry took the nuclear option and fired everyone evolved.
that's what happened. there's a clause in the police services act that if the cops under review get fired then the process has to stop, so they fired the cops to stop the process. i was supposed to have the case elevated through the court process, but the attorney general got spooked and fired them, which put an end to it. in response, i filed for inherent jurisdiction, and i made a very complicated and detailed argument that was enough to convince the judge to hear a request to quash the report, but didn't get me inherent jurisdiction. i followed through, but the court reversed itself before i could get to trial, and instead told me that they had to halt the process.
i'll need to ask the civil trial judge to carry out the analysis of the (clearly completely illegal) arrest, instead.
the charges were dropped before i went to trial because they were vexatious. in truth, the woman should have been charged for filing a false report. the supposed harassment consisted of applying for a rental unit repeatedly, and threatening to sue her for discrimination. she tried to get me charged before i could sue her. there was nothing remotely inappropriate about any of the communication at all. the cops arrested me because i pissed them off by telling them they didn't understand the law, but i was right, and they deserved to get fired for acting like thugs.
i would have preferred to have the review carried out over the police complaints process because the analysis of the arrest is without context. the judge in that scenario is asked to determine the legality of the arrest relative to abstract principles of justice, whereas a judge in a civil trial knows i'm suing the police for millions of dollars for an arbitrary detention. i wanted to avoid that bias, but the ministry shut me down, and they won't do it.
11:23
i'm listening to my own music at bandcamp and am annoyed by bandcamp's normalization.
i didn't ask bandcamp to normalize my mixes, and the result is that it sounds bassy and blurry. i mixed it the way i did for a reason. my tracks are all intended to be listened to at high volumes through headphones with a flat signal path, because i floor the bass in the mix. adding more bass is just going to distort it, and the result is that you can't hear the detail in the high end, which is often substantive.
bandcamp should have an option that says "don't normalize" or, preferably, the ability to opt in to normalization.
normalizing a track does not merely flatten it's volume, it distorts the equalization at playback. you will notice less of a difference through headphones and more of a difference if you send the signal out to an amp.
i'm concluding that i can't use this chromebook as a streaming device, that i need something with an actual line out to use as a dac so i can correct for the normalization at the streaming sites. that means i'm very likely going to buy a pi for my stereo system in the living room, which is becoming the exercise stereo.
16:12
the living room is also the studio, and it has a kvm connected to two recording pcs, with a third one in the process of being built. it will be easy to connect the pi to the kvm and just hit the button when i'm streaming. i've become an advocate of using different devices for different purposes, recently; i have a separate chromebook for a tv, a separate laptop as a phone, etc. the pi will be strictly for streaming.
16:19
tuesday, august 15, 2023
recently, trudeau indicated that the government doesn't consider itself to have a primary role in housing, and that's what the root cause of the housing crisis is. despite what the conservatives would have you believe, what we need is dramatically higher levels of government intervention in the housing market.
the truth is that trudeau's response demonstrated a characteristic lack of vision for the future. liberals of the past would have taken the opportunity to expand the role of government; the trudeau government has really been harper redux in it's consistent resistance to any sort of meaningful government expansion. the minimal expansions they've done have been temporary (covid relief, which people are getting hurt by the repayments on) or simple rebranding (the child payments that were actually brought in by harper). in most areas, most prominently health care, the trudeau government has aligned itself with the forces of neo-liberalism and sought to marketize access, which reduces the size of government. the trudeau government lacks the vision for the future that previous liberal government have had. a cynic might even suggest they just want us to ignore the world in a haze of marijuana.
we generally have a perspective in our society that the government is the actor of last resort and steps in when nobody else can. this is why we have a social safety net, and was the logic behind the covid relief funds. this is also why the bank of canada acts as a lender of last resort, why the cmhc steps in when the housing market shows signs of weakness and even why the military puts out fires and helps with flood relief. in canada, we do not accept the idea that the market is our saviour or will solve all of our problems, we've designed our society around the expectation that government will step in and do what nobody else can when nobody else can do it.
i've been watching the housing crisis unfold in this space since 2018, when i realized that every low rent apartment i was looking at had 20 people after it. it was an eye opener. at the time, it seemed like i was suddenly competing with a flood of american refugees looking to live in windsor, which simply wasn't the case when i moved here in 2013. the situation has only gotten worse, as the government has not adjusted building targets to high levels of immigration. trudeau's approach of empty photo ops that make it look like he cares while letting the market deal with it has merely exacerbated the problem.
it is long past due that the government designate itself as a builder of last resort, raise funds through the bank of canada and just fucking build.
'cause you know what they say, and the do gooding delusional liberals will like this one,
if you build it, they will come.
8:54
wednesday, august 16, 2023
i don't know anything about weightlifting, but i want to maintain a consistent narrative around this issue.
there have been situations where trans athletes have a clear physical advantage; a swimmer that's an inch taller, or a bicyclist with quads double the size of the girls on the podium. i have argued that the solution to this problem is actually to abolish gender as a category altogether and force people to compete in their relevant weight categories. most trans athletes are not exceptions, but the ones that are should be forced to compete with people their own size. the intuitive observation that it isn't fair is valid, but it's not about gender, it's about size. this would also allow more competitive female athletes to compete in male categories.
this has come up again with the weightlifting competition, and it actually doesn't appear to hold.
sujan gill, weight 290
anne andres, weight 257
it may be somewhat simplistic to linearly compare the weight, but it has to be less simplistic than gender reductionism. it is actually the other athlete would appear to have an advantage in the weight category.
why did this trans athlete perform so well, then?
do they do drug testing at this event?
18:57
are we entering a period of history where the sanctity of time is becoming blurry?
there are some people in this world that are just horribly shallow and i learned a long time ago not to concern myself with these people. whatever you may think of how they look, and i don't think any of these people are very attractive themselves, they're horrendously ugly people on the inside.
i wonder, sometimes.
i'm certain i've seen myself walk by, look at me, recognize me, mutter something and walk off. i'm first gen, in the sense that i have no refoldings of time to reorder. how many generations does that person in front of me have?
i worked this out when i was in school. it's a complexity problem; don't let anybody trick you into thinking otherwise. the amount of data in your brain, and the amount of computation required to manipulate it, is staggering.
i think.
we think.
yeah.
22:47
thursday, august 17, 2023
i managed to get some pictures of myself from before i shaved my head to the losers upstairs and all of a sudden they think i'm a hot fucking sexy bitch.
tough shit, huh? idiots.
they really do look like kids to me, i'm not just saying that. there's almost no possibility i would have gone for any of them to begin with, but any chance they might have had is now long gone after interacting with them for a few weeks while i happened to be having a bad hair summer.
i think they've mostly moved out. if i could be so lucky, huh?
10:48
the ndp are consistently so frustratingly obsessed with balancing budgets.
it's actually completely predictable. every time the ndp ever win anywhere, they spend their entire time in office balancing budgets, then get bludgeoned at the next election for it.
18:12
friday, august 18, 2023
my name is jessica. according to a recent dna test, i am of overwhelmingly dominant viking (swedish/finnish) ancestry, with the primary component being from the recent swedish colonization of western finland. i tan very deeply and very easily in the summer and it might be due to some trace indigenous dna on my father's side (from genealogical records and confirmed via a clovis report) and/or some trace italian dna on my father's side (1% in the dna test) and/or some trace jewish dna on my mother's side (2% in the dna test). i am generally very white in the winter, or if i avoid the sun the summer.
i have brown eyes and brown hair, but i often dye my hair red (or orange) or blonde and both look pretty good on me. i'm about 5' 8"-5' 9".
i've been on hormones for 20 years. i have changed my name to jessica legally and i am legally a female. i have c cup breasts and discernible hips. my testicles have been removed. i have not had any other sort of plastic or constructive surgery. i decided several years ago that final reconstructive surgery wasn't worth the effort in dealing with a mental health industry that i don't respect, but i'm second-guessing that recently. i look better at my age than i thought i would.
i find women boring. i find women's bodies boring. i'm strictly attracted to men.
i have had to cut my hair recently, and am dealing with some new lesbian transphobic landlords that are the most toxic men i've ever met and thought they were buying a transgendered porn star instead of a house that coincidentally happened to have an every day transfemale in it. that's not my fault and there will be consequences for it becoming my problem. my hair will grow back, but i am not a sex worker and i do not want plastic surgery.
i'll be staying inside until they go away. unfortunately.
6:51
they're not evil rad fems. they're actually vaguely third wave, in the post-orwellian sense.
they're more like transmen that won't admit it.
they're just flat out dudes.
7:14
saturday, august 19, 2023
when i had my testicles removed in 2021, i was given an rx for tylenol 3s as a pain reliever. this is a reasonable use of low potency opiates.
i did not fill the rx; i went to the gas station on the way home and bought extra strength acetaminophen out of my pocket, instead. i believe i still have the unfilled t3 rx, which i have no urge at all to fill.
this is reflective of how disinterested i am in using any level of opiates. i don't touch any sort of opiates at all, no matter how weak the potency. i'll suffer, instead, thank you.
3:52
i've decided to spend the ~$200 to get this device for streaming:
i'll need to also get usb to ps/2 and hdmi to dvi cables so i can connect it to the kvm. this will split the gateway chromebook i'm currently using into two devices, one strictly for streaming and the other for general internet applications. i'll be able to plug an external drive into it for local playback as well.
this may seem superfluous, but i think there is some value in having a dedicated streaming device connected directly to the stereo, moving forward, and i'll have to buy a new device to get the appropriate dacs, as i've run out of old computers to repurpose. i don't want to plug my pcs into the internet anymore and the headphone out on the chromebook has demonstrated it's limitations. even fixing one of the broken laptops wouldn't be sufficient, as i need a pc style sound card and will need a mini pc to get the appropriate sound card. this pi is designed as stereo equipment and i'm using it as it.
i could also use the pi to stream video, but i never actually stream video (in this room). in the long run, that might change. it's going to sit on top of my cd player and become the streaming device in my stereo system, which right now primarily means streaming bandcamp and youtube (as well as local streaming) but may expand, if i think it's worth paying for the higher fidelity. i would consider that unlikely. i'd actually like to get back to building my physical cd collection.
the pi may also end up being my video conferencing solution, as well as a possible security camera. in the long run, i may use it to boot the cisco ip phone with, too.
on top of that, it also just brings a pi into the house for the sake of it and gets the pi os on to the network.
i don't know how people build stereo systems nowadays, but i'd suppose that the number of inputs into the amp has decreased and that standalone dvd or cd players are being replaced by dedicated laptops or even by phones. the rca jack is what i need for the equipment i have and the right way to get the internet into the stereo in a directed and quarantined way.
let me list the different specialized devices i've set up for personal use:
- i have a chromebook that i use strictly as a tv that is connected to an external monitor in my "dining room". i'm currently watching mit lectures when i eat.
- i have a cisco ip phone beside it running a customized cisco operating system. this device has an ip address on my network and is connected directly to the voip servers through the router.
- there's a 90s compaq evo laptop running a very minimal stripped down xp that i use as a tftp server to boot the ip phone. the laptop and the server both have ip addresses and are in some sense separate devices. i can also use the 90s laptop to google things and take notes when i'm on the phone.
- i have a koji phone that i want to put a custom android on and use strictly for roaming but i can't get the sim card out and have never gotten around to it. i've used it roughly twice. it's the only smart phone i've ever bought. i understand that i will eventually need a phone, but i still don't want one. it's there for the future.
- the kvm in the living room/studio now has it's four inputs filled: a 16-bt recording pc with windows 98, a 32-bit recording pc with windows xp, a 64-bit recording pc with windows 7 (being built) and the incoming raspberry pi, connected to the stereo system as a streaming device. only the pi has internet access,
- there will remain an expired chromebook in the studio for general internet access
- there are two broken laptops in the basement. i would like to convert one of them into a floor-level guitar effects processor, but i can't get the screen to come back. the other one is likely unfixable; it's currently beeping that the processor is damaged. laptops are expensive wastes of money and i have decided to avoid them in the future in favour of cheap/expired chromebooks or mini pcs like pis.
- the bedroom station consists of an air gapped 64-bit windows 7 typing machine with a stylus pen input and a satellite chromebook being converted into a linuxbook, for email and general internet access. this is for any sort of writing.
that's four pcs, two broken laptops, one working laptop, three chromebooks, an ip phone, a shelved cell phone, an mp3 player and a mini pc pi. all of these devices are performing specific functions that they are best suited for. i think this is how we keep old computers out of the landfill, we recycle them into dedicated use devices.
5:04
that site was in the eu and wouldn't take my payment method. i also didn't realize it was $200 usd. the device at that site is conveniently constructed, but also somewhat overpriced.
i don't mind paying for the box because while it's going to primarily be for streaming audio it's also going to be used for the other stated purposes and i need a more flexible internet device. the pi will be in a throwaway zone.
i decided to slightly upgrade everything by building it myself, and it actually cost less:
for $250, this is going to be a very useful addition to the network.
13:24
the case is not going to fit and i didn't realize the case comes with a cord, making the extra one unnecessary. i may have to drill holes in the side, and the fan may not fit on top of the dac. we'll see what the best answer is.
conversely, i may put it aside and buy a second case. i will probably replace these chromebooks with pis, eventually.
15:17
on second thought, the case is designed to allow the addon on the outside of it, so i bought a second "high case" designed for addons and will figure it out.
hopefully, i can just take the first case and put it in the second case. if not, i can hopefully take the insides of the first case (the fan.) and place it in the second case.
15:39
that doesn't make sense, though.
can i find an example of a pi with a fan and an add-on?
15:42
yeah, the gpio pin is left open in the case but it's kind of pointless. i'd imagine i can't plug it in the other way.
i'll just use the second case for this device and put the other one aside. it's $20. it'll get used eventually. i can maybe use some of the heat sinks.
15:56
sunday, august 20, 2023
i'm beginning to understand, via overhearing conversations, that both the gross dude lesbians that bought the place and the creepy loser guys they moved in are in the habit of regularly paying for sex. buying human beings for their own selfish pleasures is a normal, every day occurrence for these disgusting people, rather than something taboo that isn't talked about or acted on.
they consequently don't have any filters regarding the idea of buying a tenant. it's not taboo to them to buy a house because they want the tenant for their own ends, and i'm left wondering if there may actually be a trail of victims left behind that were less assertive about their rights than i have been.
they don't seem to realize that they've done anything wrong, here. in their mind, they saw an ad for a transgendered tenant and they bought it. there's nothing improper about that, from their perspective. it may be difficult for me to get across the level of revulsion i feel at the prospect of being purchased, as a left-anarchist that is actually opposed to any sort of wage slavery; i reject going to "normal" work because it's prostitution, i don't accept prostitution "because it's work".
it doesn't seem to matter to them that i didn't put the ad up, or that they never bothered to ask for any sort of consent. the ad was at a real estate site and was put up by the previous landlord, it was not a personal site and not put up by myself. frankly, the real estate agent needs a talking to, as my gender identity is not a relevant consideration to the house, as a product. it doesn't matter what gender i am or what gender i identify as, and that should not have had any relevance in the purchase decision or in negotiations around the sale of the house.
however, when you live in a world full of strippers and paid sex work, that separation dissolves. they saw an ad for a tranny they thought was hot and they bought it and, frankly, they seem to be annoyed that i'm not putting out, rather than cognizant or apologetic of the oppression in what they did.
8:52
i'm not remotely concerned about providing safe spaces for people to do drugs in. that is of no interest to me.
rather, i am concerned about ensuring that people that choose not to do drugs are kept safe from those that choose to do them.
the public safety concern lies in ensuring that drug addicts do not harm those around them, and harm reduction ought to be about minimizing the harm that addicts do to non-addicts. that we've managed to skew and warp this so that the issue is about making the addict safe is reflective of a level of mass co-dependence that needs to be corrected.
nobody should care if addicts are safe; what is important is ensuring that addicts are not allowed to harm others.
15:58
monday, august 21, 2023
you know these pis are small.
i haven't looked at the typing machine yet, despite the post i posted last monday. i spent the week doing things like cleaning, sleeping, bicycling and purchasing the new mini pc, which i'm going to start the process of setting up tonight. i had to accommodate a plumber mid-week.
i will boot this up in a few hours, after i've eaten and done my three hour stationary bicycle routine.
you don't realize how small until they get here.
i bought the wrong size adapter for the display, so i'll have to wait until an adapter gets here, tomorrow. given that i have double of all the accessories, i'm wondering if i shouldn't just buy another pi right away. maybe a cheaper one.
let me get this one set up first.
i'll have to download the os, right?
12:24
==============
august 21, 2023
something that's changed since i quit smoking is that i don't like to get in bed until after i've showered, which makes it difficult to work on the typing machine when i decide to put off showering.
the larger case and the display adapter will be in tomorrow and the next day and what i can do is minimal until they get here but i should be able to at least install the components and get the operating system downloaded tonight.
20:26
i was able to quickly screw the soundcard into the top of the pi, which i have placed beside some items of well known size to demonstrate how small it is. i thought it would be more similar to the size of a novel, rather than the size of a credit or debit card.
i guess it's worthwhile to point out that the pi is smaller than most phones, even if it's not a good reference for myself (i don't use phones).
there is a 1.5 ghz quadcore chip with 4 gb of ram in the pi, which is a standard mid-level phone processor as of c. 2020 (used in nokia or samsung phones). i've never used an arm processor, so that might be a change. the os is based on debian. you can see the 4 usb slots (2 3.0, 2 2.0) and the rj-45. there's a micro-sd slot on the other side.
this is why i bought the mini pc:
the rca outs are going into an analog amp, but what i'm really looking for is a balanced signal (rather than a headphone jack, which is what is in the chromebook i'm using and what is built in to this device). there's also a line-in on the soundcard.
the card connects to a 40-pin adapter, which screws into the board with the gold pins. that's apparently standard.
21:00
should i put android on it instead?
that might be useful to me, as i don't use cell phones. it doesn't give me access to a sim card, though. it is not having access to a sim card that is the part of not using a cell phone that is causing me annoyances because the corporate state uses sim cards as a way to uniquely identify people, which is something that is going to become more and more invasive in the future.
21:32
there's not a convincing reason to put android on this device, other than the sake of it, which is counterproductive. i'm going to install the pi os for now and then decide if it's sufficient or if it'd rather use a different linux distro. unfortunately, i don't think i can avoid using a phone by installing android on a pi; i'm going to rather need to wait for the state to expand it's surveillance to the voip network, instead. i also don't have a touch screen monitor, which would make android difficult to impossible to use at this point.
23:10
august 22, 2023
i have now downloaded the image and it is a simple process to burn it to the card. however, it's going to give me the partition back, right? i bought a 128 gb card for storage space, i don't want to lose the partition.
0:54
i finished burning the image to the sd card before i stopped to eat and sleep.
it seems to boot.
that's all i can do until the hdmi adapter gets here.
6:35
the adapter is in, but i purchased the incorrect adapter. how many different sizes of hdmi are there?
let me try this again.
19:48
yeah, i bought a hdmi to mini hdmi adapter. apparently, i need an hdmi to micro hdmi adapter. ugh.
the item was inexpensive and has potential eventual use value. it's not much of a waste.
19:50
it should be here with a stack of usb keys tomorrow, along with the case.
20:15
august 23, 2023
i've spent a very large part of august sitting around and waiting for products to be delivered, which has been killing my productivity. such a large part of your day ends up getting eaten away when you're forced to wait around for products to arrive before you stop to eat or take a shower in order to pivot.
if i wasn't stuck waiting for the hdmi adapter to be delivered right now, i'd be finishing working on the image, but i'd need to get in bed to do that, and i'd need to take a shower before i get into bed; i can't actually do that, because i'm waiting for the adapter to get here before i take a shower. ugh.
the adapter has been out for delivery since 9:30. why is it taking so long?
14:51
the remaining pieces have arrived.
i spent so much on adapters for my old ps/2 & vga kvm that it might have made more sense to get a new kvm, except that i'd then need to get adapters to connect the new kvm to the old computers connected to it (a windows 98 pc and a windows xp pc), which would defeat the point; i'd need to get adapters, regardless.
as mentioned, having extra adapters is never a waste.
this is what it ended up as:
the vga goes to the hdmi, which needed a secondary hdmi to micro adapter, and which i botched yesterday by getting a hdmi to mini adapter. fuckers. the micro hdmi then goes into the pi.
the ps/2 cables connect to a usb connector and this is actually efficient in the sense that i only need to waste one of my usb 2.0 connections.
17:19
as an aside, i'm listening to the first mount zion record through the headphone out on the chromebook and hearing the same low pass effect that i'm hearing with my own recordings, indicating it is indeed the signal path. this is what i'm trying to fix in using the pi with the rca out as a streaming device, which is really replacing the maudio audiophile in the xp recording machine, which is what used to perform that function when i listened to music coming from the internet through speakers more frequently many years ago, and which is now air-gapped.
17:22
the pi is also now in a case, which is something that i had to get creative about because the sound card is weird in two ways; the line in jack is out of line with the rca connections and there is a white plug on the top that might be removable but not in any obvious way. i had to carve out a space for the line in with a pair of pliers and then just used packing tape to keep the top in place. i did poke a few holes in the tape, as well. the top keeps the dust out, but you also want some air flow, given there is no fan.
we're doing jewish music on the bike this month, so it's going to be a gybe/asmz run.
17:36
aug 24, 2023
i had to mangle the case open because the card is not aligned well, which made plugging cords into it impossible. however, i do now have the os up and running, i can connect to the internet and the kvm mostly works.
however, i don't yet know how to get the os to read the rca card and will have to spend the night on it.
13:58
aug 25, 2023
the hard part was actually just finding the right google search terms.
this explains what needs to be done:
the update is to use the following as config code, instead of the device discussed:
dtoverlay=hifiberry-dacplus
that's it.
0:15
sounds better, instantly. great.
0:15
now that i'm sure it actually works, i should try to lock it down a little.
first, it's important to just turn off the wireless altogether:
0:18
i spent the night fighting with what might have been some script kiddies upstairs and think i solved the problem with tinfoil. i'll do a write-up a little later.
16:44
what happened last night when i sat down to set up the pi was that i realized the device had been hacked, and that the only likely suspects were the kids upstairs. on the one hand, it's an easy target for them due to the way the install process operates. on the other hand...what a bunch of fucking losers.
you can't turn the wifi or the bluetooth off during the install process or immediately on first boot, so it's extremely easy to sit upstairs and hack into it, if you have some rudimentary video game hacking skills. it's childish behaviour that has no outcome or purpose but annoying me.
the reinstall process is relatively easy; i just need to reflash the card from an airgapped machine. it is, however, annoying and counter-productive. as i have done with my network topology more generally, i instantly decided that i didn't want to get into a fight with them but rather wanted to find a way to completely disable my wireless so that they simply couldn't annoy me, whether they wanted to or not. it took a few tries for me to realize that i'm a sitting duck during the install, unless i could find a way to block the signal. the only way i could come up with to block a signal like this is via placing the device in a faraday cage, which mean wrapping it in tinfoil.
i'm also wondering if the kvm itself might have been somehow hacked remotely, so i wrapped it in tinfoil as well.
this tactic actually worked well enough to allow me to get through the install and then uninstall the drivers and firmware for bluetooth and wifi, as well as uninstall all ssh server packages. i haven't had any further problems, since.
do i think i'm really reacting to annoying children hacking an open wireless signal during a weak point i can't defend against within a naive install process? my keyboard and mouse were both seemingly under the control of an external entity. it legitimately seemed as though somebody was logging into the machine remotely.
i can only react to evidence.
23:53
=======================
monday, august 21, 2023
just for clarity's sake.
when i was writing the music for rabit is wolf (and i wrote all of the music), it was written to be simple by design. it was supposed to be a pop band, which means it was supposed to be simplistic. the value of working with sean was not that he was talented or brilliant, but that he was pretty; it followed that the songs were intended to be catchy, short and simple in order to maximize their marketability. complicated solos would have been counter-productive to the purpose of the project.
sean was not the right type of creative partner for a more serious musical project because he didn't have any aptitude or any musical talent, he just had a pretty face. he couldn't then and probably still can't actually sing; i actually had to digitally alter almost everything i recorded him doing, and you'll note that i used a lot of effects on his voice to cover up the fact that he's tone deaf.
i was initially just supposed to play bass (because i had a bass, because i could play bass and because my friend needed a bassist for his project), but the guitarist that was supposed to do the writing stopped showing up to practice and i took over complete creative control in his absence. if the project had developed more along the initial goals, it may have been more like a "cool rock band", but i'm not really a rock musician (i like to listen to punk rock, but i actually write jazz and classical music) and that wasn't a direction i would have been expected to pull the project in.
the only thing i wanted from rabit is wolf was exposure, and the only thing i wanted from sean was his pretty face. when he disengaged out of a desire to do something more emo (as was popular at the time), i lost interest.
he actually at one point wanted to bring in a different guitarist that was more into bands he liked, like at the drive in (which i thought fucking sucked, and think that hindsight has proven me correct on) and put me back on bass. the guitarist he brought in wasn't very good, but he played in a generic style that somebody that doesn't know much about guitars might be tricked into thinking sounds flashy. he could play one specific thing over and over, which is what most emo guitarists do, and that was actually exactly what sean wanted, which was disappointing. he just wanted to copy everybody else, because he was really just trying to be cool in order to get laid; he didn't actually have any artistic vision or any kind of message or statement he wanted to get out. it wasn't about the art, it was about the image: the hair, the clothes. that kind of thing.
i mean, that was the point of using sean as a marketing bitch (he looked the part, and i didn't), but i was more able to work with that in a pop context (which i understood a little) than in a contemporary rock music context (which i didn't understand at all). i was particularly disinterested in the popular rock music of the 00s.
sean and i would not have worked together at all had we not been brought together in a band put together by a different guitarist. the initial guitarist, whose name was jon, was actually more interesting than the guitarist sean wanted to bring in as his replacement (although i could and probably still can play circles around jon, who is not as good as he thinks he is). in the end, it wasn't a style i was interested in and i ducked out. i don't think it lasted very long.
i've never had any sort of interest in being a lead guitarist in a rock band; i am a lead guitarist, but i'm a composer, and i want to write and record compositions in my basement, not play concerts in stadiums. i just find rock music boring, mostly, and i find the kind of path and lifestyle of the rock star to be tired and cliched. i don't care if the art sells or not.
i will actually get quite pissed off at you if you call me a rock star. don't. please. i have never wanted to be a rock star, i have never called myself one and i do not identify as one. i am a composer; i write symphonic music intended to be listened to over headphones.
my main focus, at the moment, is writing, not recording. you can't just put a camera on an artist and expect them to produce, and that's not the observer effect. it is not likely that anybody is going to observe me recording much of anything in the near future, nor is that the correct way to experience my art. i will eventually finish my discography, and watching me do it will probably actually be pretty boring. for right now, please go to my bandcamp site, instead; that is the correct way to experience my art.
on the other hand, while sean is probably not as pretty as he used to be, you can still go track him down instead if what you want is a fashion whore rather than an artist.
22:18
wednesday, august 23, 2023
we want to avoid allowing the media to frame the issue as being about choosing between reducing the number of international students and building more housing. right now, we need to do both.
15:02
this house is such a collapse in the space-time continuum. it's like i walked into a godelian inconsistency in the matrix.
when i first had my testicles removed, i was expecting that it would result in rapid next level femdom, and then it didn't. i changed my progesterone rx to adjust, hoping it would give me the boost i wanted, and it did at first, but then it didn't.
they seem to have moved in the previous property owner, and dressed him up like a 12 year-old kid. he's playing the role of a wwf star, or something. i hope he's just wrestling with these kids.
what am i stuck in, here?
how do i get the fuck out?
17:58
fwiw, there is a picture of me out there with a baseball hat on and a latchkey around my neck. it's not a gold chain, and i'm not trying to look like a drug dealer; it's a piece of yarn with a house key around it. this was common amongst gen x kids that came home to empty houses after school, so they didn't lose their house key and didn't get locked out.
i believe i'm 10-11 years old in the picture.
if you think i look hot in the picture or something, you should seek counselling for pedophilia.
18:00
there's almost no pictures of me taken in high school, or as a young adult before i went into transition. go find krystal and ask her about that.
there's maybe ten pictures of me taken in my teens. total. it's probably closer to 5.
18:02
krystal ran the yearbook at my high school. she was also a very good student. she was very frustrated by my evasive tactics to avoid getting my photo taken, and i don't think she ever got a picture of me. she was actually pretty creative about trying to sneak a picture of me, but i consistently foiled her various plots.
i tried to find her on facebook years later to send her some pictures, but she didn't seem to have a facebook profile.
18:06
the point is that you won't find many pictures of me at that age because there aren't many. i was verifiably pynchonesque in my aversion to cameras, as a young person.
18:09
this is one of the small handful of pictures of me as a teenager (rather than a young child) that exist:
i believe i'm 15 or 16 in this picture. it's 1996 or 1997.
i still have that shirt.
18:27
friday, august 25, 2023
(edit: the retarded and completely unwanted editor continues to edit my posts to make me appear unintelligent. this post needs to be completely rewritten to remove the retard speak and make it seem like it's written by an intelligent person, and not some idiot hip-hop fan wearing bling and smoking dope. i hate these morons.)
after some tweaking, i've finally found the combination i was looking for to get rapid next level natural curves (that is, without plastic or constructive surgery) and i'm hoping i can get my doctor to approve it permanently.
i want to share it, because it's already boosted me from the b/c cusp to a large c, and still going, which is an unusual breast size from pure hormone growth. breast implants are common amongst transwomen for a reason, as the hormones don't create large natural breasts without also creating a lot of body weight, but i think that plastic people are gross and adamantly don't want fake tits, i want my hormones to be actually female emulating and to grow my chest out myself, like a real woman. with injections, the general result is that they balloon and shrink, along with all of the other mood issues. injecting hormones is more like doing drugs than actually transitioning; it's like getting high on estrogen for a week-long binge and then coming down for the rest of the month. i have a theory that the actual reason that the suicide rate is so high in the trans community is due to the use of injections rather than pills, but a lot of transwomen will reject the pills because they don't work well enough. i have not had that problem, but it is probably because i never went through puberty in the first place and was actually passable as a (small breasted and hipless) girl before i went on hormones at all. i have a bit of luck, genetically, in having attractive scandinavian genes on my mother's side; all i really needed to pass was a blonde dye job. really. ask sarah about the time i dyed my hair blonde; she couldn't deal with dating a barbie doll and actually avoided even looking at me due to it, which may have been because she was struggling with bi-curiosity, which is something i failed at getting her to accept (until the day after i dumped her, when she all of a sudden did, to my great frustration). i've been on hormones for years, and maybe they haven't been doing a whole lot, but maybe i didn't really need them to in order to be a pretty girl.
what's changed over the last few years is that i've been growing out of being satisfied with being a pretty girl and have started to become impatient with wanting to be a sexy woman. i'd been taking my pills every day and patiently waiting for the curves to fill out without it really mattering because i was so overwhelming pretty that nobody said anything. some time at the start of the pandemic, i got tired of waiting.
this is the combination i'm currently implementing that is finally working in rapidly filling me out:
- 25 mg of cyproterone (half a 50 mg pill) every 6 hours, rather than 50 every 12 or 100 every 24. i moved to this post-orchiectomy to fight the dht, which is more potent than testicular androgens. 0:00, 6:00, 12:00, 18:00.
- 100 mg of prometrium every 12 hours (6:00, 18:00). this initially spiked me but then it fizzled out. this is a liquid in a protective capsule and should be swallowed. i can't cut it.
- i had extra medroxyprogesterone, so i recently started taking 2.5 mg, subligingually, at midnight. i think it's this extra boost that has finally filled out my breast size into the c cup (a longstanding barrier) and i hope i can get the doctor to prescribe it permanently. otherwise, i have enough to last until saturnalia, and i'll have to see what the limit is. the women on my mother's size are large breasted, so my genes suggest i could top up at a large c. i would not want larger breasts than that. if this doctor won't update the rx, and i get close to that cup size by the end of the calendar year, i'll have to see what else i can do.
- i am prescribed 10 mg of estrogen a day in pill form. i've been taking 2 mg orally every 5 hours. 5 does not divide 24 evenly, so it's a multiday cycle. however, i had extra estrogen as well, so i started taking one pill sublingually at midnight, to take me up to 12 mg a day. i'm finding this combination to be ideal, as it is giving me a daily spike at midnight and still allowing for large amounts of cycling, which keeps my cholesterol down. i'd like to try it at 14, with a second sublingual at noon, but i may cut it back to every six hours to allow for that, if i can get him to boost me to 12, instead.
i also need to point out that i'm spending three hours on a bicycle every 2 to 3 days, which is keeping me thin.
11:01
saturday, august 26, 2023
it's been wet out the last few days, so i pulled out my favourite sexy booties:
i haven't looked at the typing machine yet, despite the post i posted last monday. i spent the week doing things like cleaning, sleeping, bicycling and purchasing the new mini pc, which i'm going to start the process of setting up tonight. i had to accommodate a plumber mid-week.
i will finish setting this up in a few hours, after i've eaten and spent some time on a stationary bicycle.
dtoverlay=hifiberry-dacplus
i don't need that update.
these are boots that are made for very little girls and the fact that they fit me perfectly, as a 42 year-old xy transfemale, is absolutely freakish. i'm not a midget, either; i'm 5' 9", which is appropriate for me as mostly scandinavian presenting.
my hands are also freakishly small:
almost any male you will find will have much larger hands than i do, which are in the range of female variation and frequently about the same size as pre-teen girls, when tested. they're about the average sized hands of a 12-14 year-old girl. it's not hard for me to find a girl of that age with bigger hands than me, if i work a room for it (and, it is in fact sometimes a party trick).
i'm posting this because it really is weird. combined with the fact that i've never grown a single hair on my chest between my adam's apple and my belly button, it does provide some evidence that there may be some kind of genetic basis to my trans identity. i did have low testosterone as a teenager and probably never went completely through puberty, and the low t does explain the lack of body hair (which is odd, considering the men on both sides of my family are apishly hairy) but i don't think the low t explains the freakishly small feet and hands. that suggests a completely different and somewhat unusual genetic expression. it's not like i was binding my feet or hands, either.
my full genetic sister is a pianist and has quite large hands, for a female.
apparently, there's peer-reviewed science connecting sexual orientation to finger length, which i find difficult to take seriously, except to point out how legitimately odd my freakishly small hands and feet really are, in the context of my gender identity. is it a coincidence? i doubt it.
as an aside, this is why i play a small-scale bass. i can't get my hands around a regularly sized bass.
9:50
=======
august 26, 2023
i spent the 26th cleaning and catching up on sleep, including cleaning myself, but i purchased a few products at the end of the day in advance of cancelling my amazon prime trial tomorrow, namely two ethernet switches to ensure that i don't run out of physical ports on my network and two usb 3.0 hubs because i've been experiencing slow transfer rates on usb 2.0 devices through usb 3.0 ports recently. usb 3.0 is supposed to be backwards compatible, but the 2.0 hub through the 3.0 interface has difficulties keeping up and frequently hangs. the 2.0 devices work fine in 2.0 environments. i need a usb 3.0 7 port hub for the typing machine to utilize the 3.0 keys i bought, and i also bought a 5 port hub for the pi because i'm going to be moving the mp3 drive and mp3 player from the typing machine to the stereo; i want to make sure i have enough ports.
i'm going to be working on setting up the pi tonight, but i'm reposting the writeup because, like everything else that's been posted here, it's unfortunately been vandalized by the unwanted retarded editor who i would like to shoot in the face and feed to the animals and consequently needs to be corrected.
something that has recently changed in my apartment is that i've decided where to permanently place the stationary bicycle. i hope this doesn't replace my outside bicycling in the long run, but it does give me an option to get some exercise in the winter.
i haven't decided if i can ride the walmart bicycle outside or not, but breaking it in inside is probably the safest way to test it.
leaving my bicycle in this position in the apartment allows me to listen to both sets of speakers when i'm exercising, which is an immersive experience that i stumbled upon by accident.
--
august 21, 2023
something that's changed since i quit smoking is that i don't like to get in bed until after i've showered for the night, which makes it impossible to work on the typing machine when i haven't showered for a while, like when i'm waiting for products to arrive, as i am right now.
the bigger case and the adapter will be in tomorrow and the next day and what i can do is minimal until they get here but i should at least get the operating system downloaded and installed to the card by the end of the night.
20:26
i quickly installed the rca card into the pi, which i have placed beside some items of well known size to demonstrate how small it is. i thought it would be more similar to the size of a novel, rather than the size of a credit or debit card.
i guess it's worthwhile to point out that the pi is smaller than most phones, even as it's not a good reference for myself as i don't use phones.
there is a 1.5 ghz quadcore chip with 4 gb of ram in the pi, which is a standard mid-level phone processor as of c. 2020 (used in nokia or samsung phones). i've never used an arm processor, so that might be a change. the os is based on debian. you can see the 4 usb slots (2 3.0, 2 2.0) and the rj-45. there's a micro-sd slot on the other side.
this is the reason that i purchased the mini pc to act as a streaming device into my stereo system:
the rca outs are going into an analog amp, but what i'm looking for is actually a fixed-volume line level signal (rather than a headphone jack, which is what is in the chromebook i'm using and what is built in to this device) so that the output doesn't constantly sound like it needs to be turned up to drive the amp properly. this is particularly noticeable in music with a wider harmonic spectrum, which is what i tend to listen to and create; while it may be less audible in more compressed audio sources, sending a signal with a wider harmonic spectrum through a headphone out and into an amp creates a muffled lowpass effect that cuts out the high frequencies. there's also a line-in on the soundcard.
you can read more about the difference between rca outs and headphone outs here, but be careful about bad information on the topic on the internet:
the card is physically connected to the board with the gold screws and connects to the cpu via a 40-pin adapter. that's apparently standard.
21:00
should i put android on this device instead?
that might be useful to me, as i don't use cell phones. it doesn't give me access to a sim card, though. it is not having access to a sim card that is the part of not using a cell phone that is causing me annoyances because the corporate state uses sim cards as a way to uniquely identify people, which is something that is going to become more and more invasive in the future, which means that it is consequently going to become more and more difficult for people to exist without them. i'm going to need a cell phone at some point, but i'm still at the point where i adamantly don't want one. i still think cell phones are for self-important assholes; it turns out that the world is full of self-important assholes.
21:32
there's not a convincing reason to put android on this device, other than the sake of it, which is counterproductive. i'm going to install the pi os for now and then decide if it's sufficient or if it'd rather use a different linux distro. unfortunately, i don't think i can avoid using a phone by installing android on a pi; i'm going to rather need to wait for the state to expand it's surveillance to the voip network, instead. i also don't have a touch screen monitor, which would make it difficult to impossible to use android on this device, at this point.
23:10
august 22, 2023
i have now downloaded the image and it is a simple enough process to install it on the card. however, it's going to give me the partition back, right? i bought a 128 gb card so that i'd have temporary space on the drive, i don't want to lose the partition to a storage process.
0:54
i finished burning the image to the sd card before i stopped to eat and sleep.
it seems to boot.
that's all i can do until the hdmi adapter gets here.
6:35
the adapter has arrived, but the hdmi connector is not the correct size to fit into the pi. how many different sized hdmi connectors are there?
let me try this again.
19:48
yeah, i bought a hdmi to mini hdmi adapter. apparently, i need an hdmi to micro hdmi adapter. ugh.
the item was inexpensive and has potential eventual use value. having extra adapters is never any sort of waste.
19:50
it should be here with a handful of usb keys tomorrow, along with the bigger case.
20:15
august 23, 2023
i've spent a very large part of august sitting around and waiting for products to be delivered, which has unfortunately really killed my productivity. such a large part of the day ends up wasted sitting around and doing nothing when you're forced to wait around for products to arrive before you stop to eat or take a shower in order to pivot.
if i wasn't stuck waiting for a product to be delivered right now, i'd be working on setting up the typing machine, but i'd need to get in bed to do that, and i'd need to take a shower before i get into bed; i can't actually do that, because i'm waiting for the adapter to get here before i take a shower.
the adapter has been out for delivery since 9:30. why is it taking so long?
14:51
the remaining products have now arrived.
i've spent so much on adapters for my ps/2 & vga kvm that it might have made more sense to get a new kvm, except that i'd then need to get adapters to connect the new kvm to the old computers connected to it (a windows 98 pc and a windows xp pc), which would defeat the point; i'd need to get adapters, regardless.
as mentioned, having extra adapters is never a waste.
this is what all of the adapters look like, connected together:
the kvm's vga in connects to the vga to hdmi adapter, which needs a supplementary hdmi to micro adapter and which was botched yesterday due to getting a hdmi to mini adapter, instead. fuckers. the micro hdmi adapter then connects to the pi's video out.
the ps/2 cables connect to a combined usb connector and this is actually efficient in the sense that i only need to waste one of my usb 2.0 connections instead of two.
17:19
as an aside, i'm listening to the first mount zion record through the headphone out on the chromebook and hearing the same low pass effect that i've been hearing on my own recordings, indicating that it is the signal path and not the audio source. opening up this low pass filter is what i'm trying to fix in installing the pi as a streaming device with the rca out, which is really replacing the maudio audiophile in the xp recording machine, which is what used to perform that function when i listened to music coming from the internet through speakers more frequently many years ago, and which is now air-gapped and off the network (but still connected to the amp, for local playback of my own recordings).
17:22
i have now put the pi in the bigger case, but i had to improvise because the sound card has two defects that make lining it up with the holes in the case impossible; the line in jack is out of line with the rca connections and there is a white plug on the top that might be removable but not in any obvious way, which makes closing the lid impossible. i had to carve out a space for the line in with a pair of pliers and then just used packing tape to keep the top in place. i did poke a few holes in the tape, as well. the top keeps the dust out, but you also want some air flow, given that there is no fan.
we're doing jewish music while exercising this month, so it's going to be a gybe/asmz run.
17:36
aug 24, 2023
i had to pry the case open because the card is not properly aligned along the edge, which prevents it from fitting snugly into the case and makes plugging cords into it impossible, otherwise. i do have the os up and running, i can connect to the internet and the kvm does work. mostly.
however, i don't yet know how to get the os to read the rca card and will need to spend some time tonight understanding how to do that in order to set up the device so that it performs it's intended task.
13:58
aug 25, 2023
the difficult part was in finding the right google search terms.
this explains the install process, and it is not at all complicated:
the update is to use the following as config code, instead of the device discussed:
dtoverlay=hifiberry-dacplus
0:15
it instantly sounds way better. great.
0:15
now that i'm certain that the rca card works, the next thing to do is to completely dismantle all wireless access to the pi. it really should have come with all wireless functionality disabled by default.
0:18
i spent the night fighting with what might have been some script kiddies upstairs and appear to have blocked them with tinfoil. the device now appears to be secure. i'll do a write-up later.
16:44
what happened last night when i sat down to set up the pi was that i realized the device had been hacked, and that the only likely suspects were the kids upstairs. on the one hand, it's an easy target for them due to the way the install process operates. on the other hand...what a bunch of fucking losers.
you can't turn the wifi or the bluetooth off during the install process or immediately on first boot, which makes it a triviality to sit upstairs and hack into it, if you have some rudimentary video game hacking skills. it's childish behaviour that has no outcome or purpose but annoying me, but it's the kind of thing you expect from childish kids or, perhaps, from immature boys that have a suppressed crush on you.
the reinstall process is simple enough; i just need to reflash the card from an airgapped machine. however, it is annoying and counter-productive to have to do this repeatedly. as i have done more generally with my network topology, i instantly decided that i didn't want to get into a fight with them but rather wanted to find a way to physically disable all wireless access to the device so that they couldn't possibly annoy me, whether they wanted to or not. it took a few tries for me to realize that i'm a sitting duck during the install, unless i could physically block the signal. the way to physically block wireless signals from interacting with a device is by placing it in a faraday cage, which in context can be emulated by wrapping the pi in tinfoil.
based on what i observed, i am also concluding that the kvm itself must have somehow been taken over remotely, which is presenting what i was experiencing last winter in a different context. i consequently wrapped the kvm in tinfoil, as well.
how well can tinfoil block signals, really? broadly, probably not very well. however, bluetooth and wifi both function at very high frequency levels, which makes something like tinfoil more likely to be effective. tinfoil is probably actually pretty good at blocking wifi.
by coincidence or effect, this tactic worked well enough to allow me to get through the install, uninstall the drivers and firmware for bluetooth and wifi on first boot and then uninstall all ssh server packages, as that is the vulnerable backdoor that's open. i haven't seen any evidence of the device being controlled remotely, since.
do i think i'm really reacting to annoying children hacking an open wireless signal during a weak point i can't defend against within a naive install process? the reality is that my keyboard and mouse were both quite apparently under the control of an external entity. it legitimately seemed as though somebody was logging into the machine remotely.
i can only react to evidence as i experience it.
23:53
aug 28, 2023
the last update was late on friday night and narrates what happened early friday morning, when i had to stop to get a few hours of sleep. i was largely content at that time that i had succeeded in removing access to all wireless devices:
these were the steps i took:
1. with the device off, wrap it in tinfoil
2. on a different computer (preferably air-gapped), format the sd card. do not do a quick format. do three passes, even.
3. reflash the sd card using whatever tool you'd like to use. i am using a very small freeware tool called usbwriter, https://sourceforge.net/projects/usbwriter/.
4. connect a usb mouse and keyboard to the pi, insert the sd card and turn the device back on, while still in the tinfoil.
5. skip any sort of updates during install. do not search for wireless networks, obviously. be prompt.
immediately on first boot,
6. run:
sudo rfkill block wifi
sudo rfkill block bluetooth
7. fix raspberry pi configuration
- no auto-login
- no serial in
- no wifi country
- also, disable screen blanking
8. reboot
on second boot, go to add/remove in the start menu:
9. search for and uninstall all bluetooth packages, reboot (search term: bluetooth)
10. search for and uninstall all wireless packages, reboot (but don't delete wireless tools - library or you'll lose the gui) (search term: wireless)
11. search for ssh and uninstall all of the server packages, reboot (search term: ssh, but only choose the server packages).
12. search for vnc and uninstall all of the server packages, reboot (search term: vnc, but only choose the server packages).
it should now boot with no bluetooth icon at all and with no wireless interfaces, as well as with no remote access.
i then stopped to sleep and removed the tinfoil and turned the device off when i did.
4:06
when i woke up, i turned the device back on and plugged an ethernet cable in to make sure it connected. i have it set up to connect to a reserved ip on my router, as determined by the device's mac address, but it's just running dhcp (by default) on the device. wait for the update icon to come up, and install all of the updates. reboot.
4:11
the next step was to update the /boot/config.txt file, as per the posted video, with the aforementioned update code. these are the lines to change:
# Uncomment some or all of these to enable the optional hardware interfaces
#dtparam=i2c_arm=on
dtparam=i2s=on
#dtparam=spi=on
#dtparam=spi=on
# Enable audio (loads snd_bcm2835)
#dtparam=audio=ondtoverlay=hifiberry-dacplus
# Enable DRM VC4 V3D driver
dtoverlay=vc4-kms-v3d, noaudio
max_framebuffers=2
after a reboot, make sure to choose the right audio device by clicking on the sound icon at the top right.
i then streamed the first mt zion record to check to see what it sounded like and was pleased to hear that it recovered it's headroom; the lowpass was gone. great.
4:15
i then spent a few hours on the bicycle, listening to a few early godspeed records. i picked these records because i know they have a wide harmonic spectrum and because i know them extremely well; these are records i've certainly heard hundreds of times and have maybe even heard thousands of times through headphones or high quality systems and that i consequently knew i would be able to very quickly judge the sound quality of at extreme volume levels. if something was muffled or blurry or some frequency range was cut, it would be immediately obvious to me. now, this is not a technical analysis, and perhaps somebody might find a dac that has better specs, but i was trying to fix an obvious audible defect and i can state with some force that these records sounded outstanding streaming from youtube over hd and out into my amp, and then into a 4 speaker setup that includes two vintage kefs and two vintage celestions. i couldn't hear any noise. moya was fucking immersive. i hope the kids upstairs enjoyed it (</sarcasm).
5:39
august 29, 2023
i stopped this morning not long after the last post in order to eat and then to sleep and then woke up around 11:00, in order to once again wait for a package, this time the one with the two switches and the two usb hubs. the package did arrive early in the afternoon. i was able to get on the bicycle for more gybe from 14:30 to 17:30ish, stopped to eat again around 18:00 and then intended to spend a few hours cleaning before showering and then sitting down to finish this write-up. i am just getting back to finishing the narrative, now.
where was i?
as mentioned, i spent the 26th cleaning. i then spent the 27th and 28th fixing vandalism in this post. the usb hub for the pi is in, but i haven't touched the actual device; i have been listening to di meola through it, streaming in hd from youtube, and it sounds great. di meola is a good test artist because it provides for an opportunity to listen to the overtones on the guitar, which is exactly the kind of thing i'm using the pi to rescue.
the overtones from al's playing on these records are distinct through this signal and...overtones are not clear. that's the point. you can really hear the decay on them, though. as mentioned, the specs may not be spectacular, but i've spent enough time with sound (and with a neurotic audiophile father) to know that specs are useless. i am knowledgeable about sound (as a musician), i have good ears and i'm happy with the outcome.
the last thing to do before i can put the pi back in the case is ascertain if i can use the kvm or not. i'm going to swap out ports and cords and see what happens. i haven't further altered the software or have further steps for the install, yet.
3:00
unfortunately, the kvm seems to continue to be providing easy outside access and i don't quite understand it. this is not a wireless device and it shouldn't have any sort of wireless access at all.
i suppose i'm not going to be able to use the kvm, then. i have extra usb mice and keyboards, that's a minor annoyance.
i suppose i might consider purchasing a new kvm, but it's not helpful if i don't understand how it's being used to connect to the pi. that doesn't strike me as script kiddie stuff, that actually sounds more like organized crime hacking. that would require some kind of advanced emi interference.
3:53
hacking is boring.
i'll just avoid the device and do something less boring, thanks. problem solved. next.
3:58
the kvm switch isn't causing problems on the windows 98 machine. granted, there's no network connection on the 98 machine, but that's an absolute pre-requisite on the pi.
(yes, i have a windows 98 machine in my studio because it has a 16-bit soundcard with an onboard effects rack)
it also strikes me as somewhat odd that the thing gets hacked every time i plug it in, almost instantly. is it broadcasting? are they sitting there 24/7?
it seems like it's obviously being instantly remote controlled, but if there's something wrong with the cord, it could have a similar outcome. i could be assigning order to chaos. i don't think so, but i need to be thorough.
let me try the xp machine.
5:27
the way i have it set up right now is that the video is going through the kvm and the mouse and keyboard are separate through usb 2.0.
this isn't what i want; i want it all connected through the same mouse and keyboard.
5:28
am i done with the pi now, though?
tentatively.
if i'm not using the keyboard or mouse inputs, that's it. it's done.
5:31
yeah, i had some weird experiences with the xp machine last year, but it's not being remote controlled. again, the xp machine is air gapped, like all the pcs in here.
hrmmn.
is it actually the cable, then?
5:47
if i connect the keyboard and mouse directly to the pi through the cable, it functions properly.
oddly, the pi never reads the keyboard or mouse when you plug it in directly, you have to unplug and replug the mouse in and sometimes it doesn't read the keyboard at all. it makes you wonder if the channel is getting captured over the plug, but if it needs the kvm for the exploit.
*shrug*
i'm going to get some rest, and decide if i want to buy a new kvm or not in a few hours. clearly, this one is causing me some problems.
i don't want to figure it out and block it, i want to unplug it altogether and spend my time doing something more enjoyable. i have at the least tied the issue directly to the kvm and directly to the pi, or at least directly to the usb side of the ps/2<---->usb conversion.
6:29
aug 30, 2023
i intentionally slept all day today because i needed to catch up on it and then spent all night scraping off the consequences of the last week's worth of caked on makeup, including taking two showers. now, it's 3:00? time just disappears sometimes.
whatever i'm actually experiencing with the pi, the adapter i purchased isn't what i want to be using:
The vast majority of commonly available ps2 to USB converters are simple passive ADAPTERS that simply change the plug shape to match the outlet. These ADAPTERS only function to connect the ps/2 wires to the approximate USB wires. Simple ps/2 to USB adapters do not use specific software drivers.
In general, most users having trouble connecting their keyboard to newer computers are looking for a ps/2 to USB signal CONVERTER. These devices use an integrated circuit (pre-programmed chip) to actively translate the ps/2 keyboard signal and convert it into a USB keyboard signal.
in fact, i checked the amazon product page for the adapter i bought and there are a lot of complaints about it. i was able to find a converter with a lot of comments that it works, including the exact combination of a kvm to drive a raspberry pi. i'm going to need to need to try this next.
in the long run, the pi may end up connected to the monitor i'm currently using to watch lectures when i eat instead of the recording room monitor. if the second adapter doesn't fix it, i should consequently not replace this kvm, but stick with the external mouse and keyboard for now.
i suppose that's the end of this, then, or for now. i'll need to take everything apart, untangle all the cords, put everything back together in a cleaner and more organized way and move some of the external drives over to the stereo, from the table near my bed.
4:26
sept 2, 2023
did i sleep or clean on the 30th? i think i probably did a little of both, and then got some more bicycling in. i've been fighting with potheads upstairs this weekend. they think they're gangsta, so i've been blaring the benny goodman and count basie. that's real gangsta. they seem not to like it, indicating that they're really poseurs. i've been struggling with finishing this post and cleaning ever since, but i do have a few updates to provide to finish this up. i think my converter is in on the 5th.
i don't remember what day i took this picture on, but this is a convenient place to leave the pi, i think. also pictured is the usb hub and an old sansa mp3 player.
unfortunately, the pi cannot be put to sleep. what can be done instead is to decide on a collection of tabs and then instruct chromium to load the last session on restart. when you boot back into the pi, you can then re-open chromium to carry on the session, like you're waking the machine up.
i don't need that update.
the system is relatively responsive, for a phone, which is what this should really be compared to. it's like installing linux on your samsung or nokia and sending it out to a monitor, except it also has a stereo-system quality sound card.
i listened to {e} this morning and it sounds correctly, finally. i think i realized it was a volume issue, but turning it up was only partly effective. i'm going to be be back to listening to my discography while exercising relatively soon, but i'm going to move forwards, this time. right now, i want to catch up on the constellation records catalog.
i will be using the pi as a streaming device for exercising more than anything else, but it's also connected to the 4-way speaker system, meaning i can listen to it while in bed, typing. this is also a pretty intense system for sex, if i ever let any men down here, which i never do. i'm very picky about men, and tend to prefer to have sex somewhere other than where i sleep. it's true, though; this is a little sex pad down here at this point, and i'm becoming cognizant of it.
the cd player is still connected and i do still use it fairly regularly but the reality is that most music gets streamed nowadays. i was looking at hd streaming sites, and the best quality streams are actually for free from youtube. i'm consequently very likely to stick with the combination of youtube + bandcamp, rather than move to any sort of paid streaming platform, due to quality issues and due to royalties issues. i actually want to start buying more physical cds, again.
there is a record player in the other room, but it's not connected to anything, and i don't have any records any more. i used to have a collection of 70s jazz, prog and fusion records, but i haven't held on to them. there are some things - like mild oldfield - that sound better on vinyl, but i actually generally prefer digital production to analog production. it's always frustrating to try to explain to pro-vinyl people that the reason they prefer the older technology is technically that it sounds worse; their ears prefer the noise and the harmonic distortion to the cleaner digital signal. there isn't actually a correct answer in generality. it depends on the recording.
14:34
these are some pictures of the desk, with the pi in the corner. the two twoers are the 32-bit and 16-bit production machines.
the pi will be connected to the music review youtube account,
i will have access to the deathtokoalas blog from that account, and will be doing show and record reviews from the pi, as i rebuild the blogs and narratives in pdf formats.
15:28
i am assigning each account to a different device. the chromebook-tv in front of the couch is connected to the koala oversight committee account (which replaces the 90s pc, which can no longer connect to youtube), the linuxbook will be connected to the blogging and vlogging accounts (which replaces my fried hp laptop) and this chromebook will be connected to the music production accounts (which takes over that function from the now air gapped xp production machine, which also used to act as the streaming device, which is something this chromebook cannot do effectively).
i know this is a slow process and that i haven't been very productive while i've been doing it, but the reality is that i lost a substantive amount of my hardware a few years ago and that it's been a difficult and frustrating process in slowly replacing it.
15:33
sept 3, 2023
i'm caught up on this, now. i've been struggling with cleaning myself up this week, and it has taken up a lot of my time. my face is frustratingly dry, unfortunately; i've been struggling to sufficiently moisturize. i need to do some filing on the other machine before i move the mp3 drive over, and the converter will hopefully be here on the 5th, which should clean up the space.
i can think of three further issues to consider:
1) if the pi is almost always on, can i install a security camera? can i use this with zoom?
2) can i lock the pi's screen?
3) i have been using chromebooks in guest mode for so log that i've forgotten about browser extensions. i should be able to go back to normal ad blocking in chromium, right?
let me get something to eat, first.
5:59
sept 5, 2023
the converter fixed the kvm issues. great.
13:20
sept 9, 2023
the converter package also came with some new exercise bicycle clothes, so i can actually wash my bra between uses, and which is what this raspberry pi music streamer is mostly being used for.
before exercising:
and after three hours on the bicycle, looking a little rough until i can get in the shower:
my hair is growing. it's almost manageable, finally.
i got distracted doing an update vlog, but intend to finish this in the next few hours.
14:37
====
sunday, august 27, 2023
listen, i don't want to dress like a rock star and i really never did. i'm from the 90s, which was the period of anti rock stardom, where musicians dressed and acted like normal people.
that said, my fashion sense is not particularly obscure, either.
i have a distinct kinderwhore streak, but i'm more generally what's called a "cherry goth" (edit: a more contemporary term is "pastel goth"). that is, i like the fruitier and girlier side of goth fashion, and will broadly avoid the oppressive leather and obligatory black. life is too short to be sad all of the fucking time; i like some colour in my wardrobe.
but, you will notice i do the kinderwhore thing fairly consistently, and if you were expecting something different that's kind of not my fucking problem, bitch.
also, leather is murder and fake leather is fake murder. no way. yuck.
6:29
until relatively recently, for every single day of the last 15 years, i had long hair past my shoulders that was often even longer, down to my elbows or almost down to my waist. the hair was often blonde, but was sometimes red and also sometimes black, although i've sworn off darker colours recently because it makes me look older.
i am used to people complimenting me for being pretty, and for having beautiful hair.
i had to shave my head at the end of march due to a preponderance of split ends; i currently remember that it was march 23rd, but i will no doubt forget it soon enough. this was certainly not a purposeful fashion decision, and if i had some other option i would have taken it, but it was just too far gone. it was necessary, and i was sad and embarrassed about it and still am, but i had to do it. this is life; shit happens. in hindsight, i wish i had shaved it in october of last year, when it had already become obvious that it was unsalvageable. i believe i got badly sunburned last june, and that the sunburned hair then got damaged by acid rain last august. this resulted in split ends all the way up to the roots that had to be completely shaved off and regrown.
i will grow my hair back. that is not a debate i am having, that is a certainty. i will lighten it again, when it is long enough.
those that have met me recently may have been confused into thinking i was dom or butch due to the short hair. this is unfortunate, as i am about as fem as fem can be. they may have also made poor assumptions about my body shape due to my hair cut; from observing me in a tight-fitting t-shirt, it may have been decided i had pectoral muscles instead of the c cup breasts i actually have, and it may have been imagined that i have a rippled stomach instead of a flat tummy. i even overheard somebody suggest i must have a "dad bod" because of my hair cut, when the truth is that i have a bikini bod, with a flat stomach, long slender legs, noticeable hips and somewhat larger than average breasts.
however, i need to stress that i'm not a lesbian and that dom v sub or butch v fem dichotomies are not an appropriate way to understand me. i'm an effeminate heterosexual female that usually has long hair that is frequently blonde and currently has a temporary short hair cut. the hair will have reddish or orangish hues until it is long enough to bleach it again, which will be between march and may.
unfortunately, some people that met me recently were very rude and mean to me due to my hair cut, which i am not going to forgive or ignore. those people will need to be repaid in scorn 10 fold for their unkindness.
however, i will not assign the deeds of the guilty to the innocent or force people to be punished by association. i treat people as individuals. should those people who were rude to me be replaced by others, those new people will be given clean slates and allowed to prove themselves as individuals.
i am not a christian and i do not believe in forgiveness. i would replace jails with tort laws (as was the norm in customary germanic law), but i think people need to atone for their sins and those who were rude to me will be repaid appropriately for it.
14:41
tuesday, august 29, 2023
i'm reposting this for the benefit of some people that have only started reading this space recently.
i actually had an ancestry.com report done recently. these were the results:
french/quebecois (ottawa-montreal area specifically; that is, there are specific recent mutations from the area between ottawa and montreal in my dna): 17% <----some viking/norman, some celtic, some roman, but the ancestry.com report suggested my francophone dna is primarily from northern rather than southern france, meaning it's likely more viking and less roman.
western finland: 16% <----viking. the finnish ancestry is from the recent swedish colony in western finland.
southern irish: 16% <-----viking mostly, some celtic.
northern scottish: 13% <----viking; in fact, my scottish ancestors were from the very top of scotland and came to nova scotia to build boats. they had a ship-building company. they were so viking that they were barely scots at all.
sweden: 11% <----viking
northern italy: 9% <----viking/goth. nothern italy was settled by goths, lombards and burgundians after the fall of the empire, all of which were from sweden. northern italians continue to mostly look like swedes.
english/dutch: 6% <---celtic/germanic but also roman. this is a less viking component.
welsh: 5% <---welsh markers are likely very celtic
jewish: 3% <---there's my bit of jew. it's there, on my mother's side. it came to philadelphia in the 19th century (probably from spain, given that other relatives have specifically sephardic ancestry in their reports. mine just says jewish.), migrated to new orleans, went to california and then came into canada with the yukon gold rush, before settling in vancouver.
east slavic: 2 % <---viking. i can't trace this exactly.
southern italy or sicilian: 1% <---this is on my father's side. my father's mother's parents were killed in an apparent mob hit. details are not clear, but it is thought to have been a mob hit because they were run over by a train after being tied to the tracks, and there's not a lot of people besides the mob that would do that. i apparently have a strong genetic affinity to the gotti clan, according to the report. they were in fact active in ottawa. if my father was a mobster, he never told me about it.
norwegian: 1% <----viking
i was also able to find trace indigenous markers via a clovis report, which confirms the genealogical records. it's very distant, but it's in there. my y-dna is a r1* that has not mutated in around 5000 years and probably originated in austria; it is most numerous in celtic populations, which in my case indicates that my father's francophone ancestry is ultimately celtic, or gallic, however many generations ago.
that is a big mix of dna, but you can collect it into piles if you understand the history of europe a little and what comes out is that i'm overwhelmingly viking in my ancestry, a little bit celtic, a little bit roman and also have trace jewish, sicilian and indigenous. i may also have trace ancestry in iran or armenia, but it must be very distant and a very long time ago. what this may be is some remnant roma ancestry on my father's side, and that might be where some of the east slavic is (romanian or bulgarian). i cannot actually find any evidence of roma ancestry, but there are some very questionable connections in my father's family tree, including an apparent adoption from a birth out of wedlock that was not fully documented in the church records. my father's family, presumably from his father, has an unusual appearance that has led to a lot of speculation and the truth is that they look more like gypsies than anybody else.
that's what the facts are.
with my short hair, i look very finnish, but i can also look a little quebecois sometimes, unfortunately. the irish also comes out a little more with the shorter hair. in a past life, i was actually frequently compared to a young bono, in terms of my appearance.
13:30
wednesday, august 30, 2023
i also want to provide a reality check regarding my hair.
i think a lot of people are projecting the idea that i had hair like i did in the pictures. those pictures are not new anymore, the last screen shots are from 2018. that said, i certainly did still have long blonde hair, but it was no longer as full or as beautiful as it was in those shots.
by the time i actually took the razor to my head, my hair was so damaged that i had ripped 40% of it out with a brush, just trying to detangle it. i was ripping out chunks of it at a time, and i had no choice but to because it would simply not brush through. my bangs were so frizzled that i couldn't comb through it; i had a permanent perm from split ends, and it was sticking out of my head, like sideshow bob.
the hair that i shaved was not healthy, and did not look good; it was horribly damaged, and it looked terrible. i didn't destroy my hair by shaving it; my hair was already destroyed.
i may have over-extended, but i decided that the difference between a full shave and a short cut was only a few months and that the results of making the wrong decision were too dramatic to get it wrong. it was better to cut my losses and start anew.
i don't regret it, it was necessary. i wish i didn't have to.
just, please adjust your mental perception of what i did and why i had to do it.
7:13
thursday, august 31, 2023
the woman denies it, but she's still casing the unit. i saw her get in a car and leave yesterday morning.
however, i think she got arrested this week, and that may have blown her cover, which is great news. she may be facing drug and/or prostitution charges. i heard a few women get arrested upstairs, and i don't know exactly why. there have been prostitutes working upstairs for weeks.
further, the other lesbian is posting old pictures, apparently from last year, on instagram. that's the kind of thing one partner does when they're remembering a dying relationship.
she may have initially been sitting upstairs to wait for me to leave to change the locks, but at this point she seems to actually be in a serious relationship with one of the (male) tenants, who seems to have moved out and i'm no longer of primary or even passing interest to her. she's increasingly leaving with him and driving off somewhere, presumably to his new place. if she is moving on, i may be getting my freedom back. that's what i want, for her to go away.
further, it's the other one - the one in toronto - that actually owns the house. if the one that's been here all summer is moving on, she's really moving on - she'll no longer be managing the property. she'll hopefully never come back ever again at all.
that is my cue to know things are safe, when i get an email explaining that the femme is no longer managing the property and the gross creepy butch is now completely in charge. the gross creepy butch is distant and weird, and she's not going to sit upstairs and case me out. she'll try something else, or sell the place.
5:54