From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i think i found a two bedroom in windsor. it's actually really, really nice. $650 all inclusive. i'll find out soon.
esa's mom vetoed letting her hitch with me and bought her a bus ticket. she went down on the bus with a mutual friend, illuminous. i kind of didn't want to spend $200 on bus tickets and hitched by myself.
hitching up the 401 is safe if you know how to do it, which is to hang out at truck stops. i hitched with truckers most of the way down and will hitch with truckers most of the way back. not a concern.
this guy illuminous is basically just following her around, and she's totally taking advantage of it. she would have been ok with us all getting a place together, but he keeps pushing for a two bedroom for the two of them and she doesn't want that. at all. yet, she needs to get to windsor because she's transferring to the university here. he kind of screwed things up, and it's kind of her fault for letting him rather than telling him to stay home.
so, it's now my responsibility to find a place she can crash at for a bit until she can find her own place. i totally saw this coming, though.
i'm going to take the slow route home. hit a few small towns. try and stay in the area in case something in windsor comes up for the first, or, if it doesn't, in case i can find something in another town around here.
so, i won't be home for at least a few days.
it seems like i'm moving on quickly. it's not like i haven't been thinking about this almost non-stop for the last two years. it's not like the decisions i'm making right now are in a vacuum. i'm sure you have, too.
i just feel like everything i have to let go of, to deal with, to compensate for and whatnot has already been worked through. death is final. i'm extremely glad they're medicating him. i hope it's as painless as possible. but i've dealt with that on a psychological and emotional level. as much respect as i have for dad, i realize that the exact emotions that run through his mind as he is dying are inconsequential to all remaining living beings. i need to focus on the living. i need to keep going. he'd want that.
at this point, i don't know if he made it through the night or not. he knows i love him, but if he needs reassurance you can tell him i've sent an email stating i do.
personally, i need to clear my head, not get bogged down in a type of depression that i don't have the psychological tools to deal with and prepare for the rest of my life.
jessica