damages.doc

(edit - after calculating actual losses, and weighing the time required to launch a lawsuit, this thought process was permanently put on hold in the fall of 2013. i realized that what was most important to me could not be replaced, and would be difficult to determine actual costs of. i decided that my self-interest was not to drag on the past through litigation in what limited time i had available to me but rather to maximize my time by focusing on my art, and to move on. 25/08/2019.)

I have attempted to carefully compile a list of missing and damaged items, as well as their replacement costs. These items are missing or damaged due to theft or negligence. I am sending this document jointly to the stepmother and the sister with the hope that they can, together, determine what the cause of each missing item is and who it is that is responsible for returning or replacing it. I am sincerely hoping that legal action is not required in recouping what it is that I am legally and morally entitled to. While this list is as complete as I’ve been able to make it, it is likely incomplete. Should legal action be required, further items may be added if their disappearance is realized between now and then. Should legal action not be required, this document should be considered final.

For the bulk of the items that are missing, the relevant question is the cost of replacement, rather than the initial cost. There are items, however, that cannot be replaced and they will be considered on a case-by-case basis.

In the interests of fairness, I have taken the value of the items that were given to me into consideration. Once again, the issue is the amount it would have cost me to purchase the item on my own terms, not the amount that the item actually cost. Legally, this is not truly a relevant consideration, so please note that I am being generous in taking these things into consideration.

Please take special note of the section that contains items I would like returned.

That some of these things are missing may come as a surprise, so I am going to attempt to provide a few deductions as to what may have happened to some of it. There has already been some discussion surrounding negligence, and an admission of responsibility. I am also making a clear accusation of theft regarding at least two items. In addition to this, I am also missing a great deal of boxes for electronic items that I have purchased over the years. The boxes, of course, have no actual value except for their use value. However, I most certainly had a box for a computer tower that included dozens of smaller boxes for various items like external drives, pc cards, keyboards, etc. While most of those boxes were empty, some of them were not. It seems, then, that much of the electronics that I’m missing (and specifically the keyboard, microphone and external drive) were discarded accidentally with those thought-to-be-empty boxes, which also included a lot of user manuals and other useful things of the sort. I also suspect that a lot of the books that are missing were taken deliberately under the misunderstanding that they had previously belonged to the father of the stepmother. The relevancy of this concern is more personal than legal (and I am a just and empathetic person), but the blunt truth is that only a few of the missing books were actually his, and most of the books that I did take from him (with permission) are actually not missing.

 
I’ve generally rounded up or down to the closest whole number.

Kitchen Items

Item	Cost	Source	Receipt?	Comments
Blender	+$10	Walmart	Yes	Sale Price.
Coffee Maker	+$10	Future Shop	Yes	Sale Price.
Toaster	+$20	Future Shop	Yes	Sale Price.
Kettle	+$10?	??	N/A	Not Yet Replaced
Pizza Cutter	+$1	Dollar Store	No
Dish Drainer	+$9	Walmart	Yes
Microwave	-$50	Donated	N/A	I would have bought a very cheap microwave.
Pans	-$0	??	N/A	I would not have purchased extra pans.
Total	+$10

Furniture & Bedroom

Item	Cost	Source	Receipt?	Comments
Couch & Chair	-$0	??	N/A.	I would have used items found on the curb.
Wood Chest	-$10	??	N/A.	I would have found something old on kijiji.
Computer Desk	-$20	??	N/A.	I would have found something old on kijiji.
Bed	-$200?	??	N/A	I would have purchased a new bed, but cheap.
Blanket	+$25	Walmart	Yes
Hangars	+$10	Walmart	Yes
Total	-$150

Electronics

Item	Cost	Source	Receipt?	Comments
Keyboard	+$21	Walmart	Yes	.
Monitor	+$	??
Battery Charger	+	??	N/A.
~10 D Batteries	+	??	N/A
External CD Drive	+
USB Camera	+
VCR	+
Shure Mic	+
Two mini-cassette tape recorders	+			I only need one.
Four-Port Router	+
Computer Mic	+
Total

Items I would prefer returned

Item	Cost	Comments
Winston Electric Mandolin	+$	The Winston Electric Mandolin I had was an antique item and is not exactly replaceable. I would prefer the exact item to be returned. If this is not possible, I would need for it to be replaced.
12-String Ovation (with guitar stand)	+$	The 12-String Ovation I had was an antique item and is not exactly replaceable. I would prefer the exact item to be returned. If this is not possible, I would need for it to be replaced.
Wood Chess Board With Pieces	+$0	I played dozens and dozens, probably hundreds, of games of chess with my father on this board. It was an absolutely central part of my childhood. I was first given this item by my father in 2004. It was in my possession for nearly 10 years. I have no interest in a replacement board.
Game Theory Textbook	+$	I believe this was lent out.
Sheet Music	+$100	Much of this sheet music was marked up by me and it is the markups that I cannot replace. However, I can repurchase more music and start again. I suspect this may be with a number of piano books that had ended up in my possession. I don’t care about the piano books, but please give me back what is mine.
Total

Irreplaceable Personal Items

Item	Cost	Comments
Black and White Portrait of Me Drawn by an Ex-Partner	+$	This item was somehow destroyed. It can never be replaced. However, I have a scan of it and I would like to get it blown up. This is the replacement cost.
Nine Inch Nails Shirt	+$	Retired Shirt. I cannot repurchase the wear and memories, but I can wear it back down again.
John Lennon Shirt	+$	Retired Shirt. I cannot repurchase the wear and memories, but I can wear it back down again.
House of Guitars Shirt	+$	Retired Shirt. I cannot repurchase the wear and memories, but I can wear it back down again.
Genesis Tour Poster	+$10	I don’t know what happened to this. It can’t actually be replaced, but I can get a new poster.
Billy Corgan Guitar World Poster
Mogwai poster
Certificate of Provenance	+$	This was a signed artefact by the musicians in the band “coil”.
Total

Other Items

Item	Cost	Comments
School Bag	+$	I had an expensive hiking bag with a zipper problem.
Set of White JX-8P Keys	+$
Business Suit, with shirts	+$1000	This was purchased at Moore’s in 2007.
Total

Books

Item	Cost
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Communist Manifesto
IT
Brothers Karamazov
The Scarlett Letter
Heart of Darkness
Grapes of Wrath
The Republic
The Discourses (Machiavelli)
The Prince
Lady Oracle
Total

CDs

Item	Cost	Cost Estimate	Comments
Sold CDs re-purchased second hand	$120?	Partial Receipt	My father indicated repeatedly that he wanted me to have his CDs. What happened is entirely incomprehensible.
Cop shoot cop - release			Destroyed cover art
Cop Shoot Cop – White Noise			Out of print. Ebay Price. Destroyed cover art.
Einsturzende Neubauten – Silence Is Sexy			Destroyed packaging.
Einsturzende Neubauten – Tabula Rasa			Destroyed packaging.
Tool – A Thousand Days			Destroyed packaging.
The Art of Noise – The Ambient Collection			Disc not functioning.
The Smashing Pumpkins - Aeroplane Flies High Box Set			Box Disappeared.
Skinny Puppy – Rabies			Destroyed Cover Art.
Jello Biafra & The Melvins – Sieg Howdy			Destroyed Cover art.
Holst – the planets (rca classics, with Ralph Vaughn Williams piece)			Destroyed cover art.
The mars volta  - amputechture			Destroyed cover art
Einsturzende neubauten – perpetuum mobile			Destroyed packaging
The Electric Light Orchestra – No Answer			Destroyed Cover Art
Hater			Destroyed Cover Art
Django reinhardt  - swing 39
Alice In Chains – Tripod			Destroyed Cover Art
Alice In Chains – Nothing Safe			Destroyed Cover Art
Glenn branca – lesson no. 1			Destroyed cover art
The Cure – Disintegration			Destroyed cover art.
Total

to the very rude ladybug that just tried to enter not one but THREE of my orifices before i could swat it away: i'm not dead yet.

the nerve…

demo #5: my very first impression

this is kind of stupid. or youthful exuberance. i think i was angry with the concept of business normality, albeit in a teacher-student high school context.

moving forwards into the end of my first month of recording, this noisy catastrophe presents itself as a sort of generic raw punk work through. but, there's a reason why being 15 and angry doesn't get old, i guess. my target of frustration was the idea of business normality as it applies to teenagers, and the shallowness of first impressions, specifically as they were coming from teachers. i was a "gifted student" and well aware of it, and really didn't like it when some glorified babysitter decided to look down his nose at me because he didn't like my haircut.

i like the instrumental section at 1:50, but i mostly interpret this nowadays with a careful chuckle, as an interesting time capsule. but, there will always be kids that get judged badly based on their appearance (because there will always be assholes that will judge them), and maybe one will find this and connect with it.

recorded in september, 1996. remastered on oct 1, 2013.

Jessica Amber Murray
613*******. i get internet tomorrow. something i'm going to want to do is figure out where the freaks around here are. no offense to those guys, but i'm not really convinced i have much in common with them. i do need to drop off that beer though...

Shelly Teagan
Lolol

....overheard walking down my street today.....

"wait, that's a girl"
"nah, it's a guy."
"dude. that's a GIRL."
"it's a guy!"
"da fuck you looking at, man? GIRL."

it only occurred to me afterwards that i could have walked over and clarified. was just a little bit uncomfortable about being microscoped.

sometimes, entangled in your own dreams

shower again, and check

From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: the initial landlord

hi.

i have a check for you this month, but i'm wondering how you'd feel about setting up an automatic deposit thing? i could avoid paying the bank for checks that way. if you don't want to, i'll buy some checks, it's not that big a deal (i just don't really want to pay the bank...).

as for the shower. i finished sealing around everywhere i could see that would conceivably cause flooding, and it didn't make a difference. it really seems clear to me that the leaking is coming from the drain. so, i'm going to run through my perception of the thing again...

normally, when you have a tub of some sort, it fills up as the water falls because the drain can't handle all the water coming at once. i'm thinking the better mental comparison (and the mental comparison is for me - i'm not trained in this subject, i'm just trying to understand what's happening) is to a public shower stall at a swimming pool or something. in such a situation, you would expect the water to fill up in pools around the corner of the stall and drain slowly afterwards, if at all, due to things like bumps in the floor. it seems to me to be that this is roughly what's happening.

that leaves two possible solutions. either the drain could be sealed up to force the water to pool on top of the shower rather than underneath it or the base could be sealed so that when the water pools it's trapped underneath the base. but i don't think the water can be stopped from pooling in one or the other place.

both of those approaches have some problems. sealing around the platform is not something i'd be comfortable doing myself because i'd be afraid i'd end up sealing water in, which could blow up the platform on the other side. *so i won't do that myself*. sealing the drain would make it difficult to get in there to pull hair out.

i think there may be an easy answer, though. looking at the drain carefully suggests that it's actually missing a piece or something. there was clearly *something* ringing around the drain at one point. first, the plastic is rough. second, it seems like it isn't tight.

i suspect it may be possible to merely put a rubber stopper of some sort around the drain. hopefully, that would keep the water in the platform.

i don't know how to dismantle the drain though. i want to be careful not to break it, so i'm stopping myself from just taking a screwdriver to it. could you send me instructions as to how to take the drain out so i can experiment with some kind of stopper?

j

Jessica Amber Murray
hey, i'm glad you found what you were looking for without having to move away from your family and school. i think that's a better outcome. of course, who cares what i think... listen, i have to ask you a favour. it's going to sound insane. to an extent, i acknowledge it is literally insane, relative to the meaning of insane. what i mean to say is that i'm aware that i have hallucinations, auditory and otherwise, and that sometimes i get stuck in these paranoid fantasies that draw...the truth is that they draw very rational, formally deductive conclusions. the issue is really a struggle between interpreting the world through deductive or empirical reasoning. i think there's a very good reason that schizophrenia and mathematical abilities tend to go well together. i tend to get stuck in hallucinations and fantasies when i spend a lot of time alone, so, like, it's right on schedule sort of thing. i don't really want to medicate myself. i'd rather use it as an idea source for art projects. but i sort of do medicate, if you see what i mean. i need to find some soon. so, i'm walking down the street a few minutes ago and i hear sarah yell at me. see, i *know* i hallucinated this. but, what i'm less clear about is *why* i hallucinated this. it could just be my mind playing tricks on me, nothing to think about. it could be the result of some kind of entanglement that's beyond our current understanding of things. what i know is that i know how to rationalize through things and deal with them. but she sounded like she was in trouble. so, what if there *is* some kind of not understood entanglement thing going on? it would sort of make me feel better if you could just give her a quick call and ask her if she's ok. i have the number in my cell phone at home if you don't have it.

Shelly Teagan
Ill get as to do it. But yeah ill do it.

Also, you need to go and meet people. Im a bit worried.

Whats her number.

Also, i should have left to get rid of my parents. I found out that i had a very physically abusive childhoo, but have blocked out all these memories. So yeah, ive cut my parents out for trying to distort reality all these years and try to play me off as crazy.

I should be in windsor. But Jess!!!!!! Go hang out with the wobblies and play risk or something

Jessica Amber Murray
lols. no. crazy music on the way. this is what i do, erin....i push myself to the brink and then record myself freaking out...i'm safe, and people around me are safe, it's nothing to really be concerned about. abusive parents are such a...my mom and step-mom were both really bad, verbally. but it hasn't cut out a necessary reliance with my mom (my step-mom is OUT). it's such a fine line between codependency and reconciliation, you know? hard thing to walk between... i'll go home and get the number, i just have to finish writing an email to my landlord first.

Shelly Teagan
Go hang out peeps, jess. Go!!!!

english 2107 essay cover page

Cover Page

           Permission to speak freely, captain?

            Yes, the italicized cover page, the refuge of inane rambles and precocious pitter-posh alike. I feel obligated to point out a few things. First, the cited page numbers refer to the proper numbering within your course pack, not the numbering within the photocopied pages. This is done for your convenience; you’re welcome.

           

I hate the concept of quoting and will argue until I’m blue in the face that it is your responsibility to verify the veracity of my statements, not mine. I would not trust you under any circumstance and the sentiment should be reciprocated. Citations are eye-sores, they sap all enjoyment from the process of reading the text by slicing sentences in half, paragraphs into verses and naturally connected concepts into disjointed fragments with little context. They simultaneously deprive the argument of wholeness and all aesthetic value. With the ubiquity of Google, this approach is becoming obsolete. Nonetheless, they are here for your convenience; indeed, the essay is truly a verifiable plethora of superfluous citations[1], one that will satiate even the most ravenous appetite for Reductio ad BecauseHeSaidSoium. It is somewhat of a satirical approach to the citation, but no so much that it’s invasive. Just enough to get the point across. If you’re not laughing right now, you’re taking this way too fucking seriously.

            The essay is a little bit longer than the requirements, but it’s also formatted oddly. As mentioned, there are a lot of quotes. Could I have written the entire essay using pasted pieces of the course texts? YES! I didn’t. I did make it closer to ten pages to make up for the over-quoting.

---

[1] Cover Page, Jessica Murray, 2009

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/thoughts/trolls/engl2107.html

trolls

trolls

the jessica murray aimless drifter scholarship
english 2107 essay cover page
aborted haraway analysis
english 2107 midterm rebuttal
ET and The Minotaur

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/thoughts/trolls/index.html

the fundamental theorem of poeticity

on building an anarchist grade school system

on building an anarchist grade school system

feb 4, 2011

written by jessica murray

"they hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules."
	- john lennon, 1970

      it's 6:00 PM on a wednesday evening in july and mary jane is just getting ready for her first day of grade 4. her mom works an evening shift as a waitress, so she attends classes in the evening at the local elementary school, which is open 24 hours a day - just like all elementary schools are now. while there are no schedules or set times, mary jane is expected to be at school for a total of eight hours a day, five days a week. she signs in when she arrives and signs out when her mom picks her up after work. rather than supper, this family has breakfast; mom is just thankful that she gets to see mary jane during the week as she wasn't able to see her youngest child very often at that age due to her evening shift.

      mary jane has decided to spend the first half of her evening reading an english book and the second half getting a head start on her math homework. the new curriculum allows her to study these different subjects independently in the way, order and length of time that she feels comfortable with. when she's done her work, she'll bring it to the teacher and begin the next task in her curriculum list, which was presented to her when she jumped grade levels the previous week. when she was in grade three, she put the math off because she doesn't like it so much....this time she's going to stay on top of it because she knows she'll eventually have to do it correctly in order to jump to the next grade level. mary jane is a conscientious student; she's working on her third grade level since september.

      the night classes are a little bit sparse, but mary jane does have a group of friends that she sees every day. some of them are still in grade three because they weren't able to keep up with mary jane, others are further along through grade four than she is. one of the kids a little further along is a boy that she likes. mary jane doesn't want to get too far behind him, so she makes sure to keep up with her schoolwork. one of the kids that's still in grade three is her best friend, ever since kindergarten. mary jane has been trying to convince her to do more homework so that she can keep up with her.

      there's one boy in the class that works really, really slowly but always does a fantastic job when he finally finishes his work. the teachers always show his work to the rest of the class and comment upon the attention to detail that he demonstrates, especially on art assignments. he's been in grade three for two years and is finally just about done. some of the other kids make fun of him, but mary jane thinks he's really interesting.

      there's also a group of bad kids in the corner that don't do any school work at all. one of them has been in grade two for four years! the teacher always says that whether he wants to do his homework or not is his choice but that he'll be stuck in grade two until he does, whether his father likes it or not. she also tells him that he's almost old enough to go into one of the big kids classes, and they'll make fun of him if he's only in grade two when he gets there.

      sometimes, mary jane has to write tests. she doesn't write them with the other students, she writes them whenever she decides that she's ready to. the teacher says that there's a computer program that writes the tests, so there's no point in asking the older kids what the questions on them are. when she was in grade three, she had to write her last math test twice because she only had 77% the first time and she had to get 80% to pass. one of her friends had to write it three times! the teacher always tells her that it's ok if she doesn't get 80% the first or second time, it just means she has to study a bit more.

      mary jane has heard her older brother talk about the days when teachers used to stand in front of the classroom and everybody had to do the same thing all at the same time, but she can barely believe it. to mary jane, teachers are just people who mark homework and answer questions about stuff. why would the teacher want to stand in front of the class and say stuff? what could she say to all of the kids that are in the class that would make sense to all of them? the old system seems really, really silly to mary jane; she's glad she's allowed to work by herself.

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/thoughts/social/anarchistgradeschool.html

Conversations I Have With Myself

(edit: this text was isolated from a much earlier written and much longer passage and stored in it's own file on 30/09/2013 for probably forever forgotten reasons - 07/08/2019)

I tried to explain to him that you can’t eat steel. You can taste steel, sure, but eating it is impossible. First of all, you could never digest it. If you were to attempt to eat a platter of steel and you were somehow able to chew and swallow it, it would simply languish in your gut for eons. The steel in your stomach would likely outlast your own existence. 

Yet, what if you were able to outlast your own stomach? This was his retort.

While it is true that in such a scenario - and we still need to ignore the logistics behind the physics of actually consuming steel – it would not be as devastating to consume steel as would be initially assumed, the value of consuming steel is still up for debate. Yes, it is true that the ability to discard the bodily shell and move existing memories and thought processes (and even such a thing brings with it severe logistical concerns) into an entirely new place of habitation would render the inevitability of an impending stomach disaster virtually irrelevant, but of what value would it be to consciously attack one’s own digestive system?

I have answered a question with a question, and he claims that this is bad form.

Well, then, I relent. If we are to take immortality into account then I suppose I have no further objection to the consumption of steel. Yet, you have not explained the logistics behind your proposal. How precisely do you propose that one goes about consuming steel? A steak knife seems to be of little value.

Well, you’d have to melt it first, obviously. You’d just pop it in the oven for a while…

But this is ridiculous! The oven in your home is not capable of melting steel!

Maybe your oven is not capable of melting steel, but mine certainly is. It seems to me like you need to buy a new oven.

Right. So I can melt steel. What do I do with the steel once it is melted?

You’d drink it, obviously.

No! Never! I will not consume steel at all and will certainly not consume it when it is in a liquid state. It would burn right through me and kill me instantly. What is wrong with you?

Concerned with the bodily shell again…when are you going to ignore your physical existence? You don’t really exist in any kind of physical state except as a fragile and tenuous temporary host; your body has no value. You understand that perfectly well, and yet you continue to maintain this childish obsession with your own physical well being because you’re morbidly afraid of pain. Enough already. Be a man and consume the goddamned steel and be done with it.

This conversation is over. You will never convince me to consume molten steel.

Pussy.

That’s it….I’m going to sleep.

Right, you can’t beat me so you let me take over. You’re such a fucking defeatist. What did I do in my past life to get stuck with such a lame host? Turn that music down and listen to me!

the jessica murray aimless drifter scholarship

troll target: carleton university senior management
troll method: mass email 

a proposal for a new scholarship program designed to help floaters continue to float

august 1, 2010

written by jessica murray

"lots of people seem to think i'm lazy.
i don't mind; i think they're crazy!"
	- john lennon, 1966

      the floater. we're an odd bunch, us. absurdly intelligent, idealistic, over-read, highly capable and yet, through most of our lives, uninterested in performing well in school or in succeeding in the world of business. most of us end up floating because, at some point, we walked down the wrong path and decided that we enjoyed being lost...

      while we will likely never cure cancer, become prime minister, construct a perpetual motion machine, eliminate nationalism or even succeed in holding a 9-5 office job for more than a few weeks without getting fired, we have plenty to offer in the areas of art, music, literature, abstract mathematics and philosophy. yet, we are floaters; we could not, by definition of a floater, have realized this at the age of 19. it must be something that becomes clear somewhere midway through adulthood.....

      our scholarship program currently has two primary purposes. the first is to act as a means of identification; the kids with the scholarships are the best kids. this is obvious and requires no further explanation. the second purpose is to help smart yet disadvantaged kids out of poverty by giving them a serious opportunity to jump socio-economic classes. this is also obvious...

      ....should we consider a third purpose, namely one based on the idea of an expansion of the welfare state to help certain kinds of older students define incentives to get their lives moving? should we set up a limited scholarship program designed specifically to help certain kinds of aimless adults - drifters, floaters - stay within the scholastic system essentially indefinitely under the argument that going to school is essentially the only thing that these individuals are capable of doing at a level of excellence and that they still nonetheless need some incentives to help get them focused?

      while i have outlined a set of general principles here, it's probably best that i jump right into the proposal.

the jessica murray aimless drifter scholarship

qualifications

- the student must be between the ages of 29 and 34.
- the student must have completed at least one degree but no more than three degrees.
- the student must not have completed more than two degrees in the same subject.
- the student must not have completed a phd.
- the student must have completed at least 30 university credits, or 60 university courses, in total.
- of those 30 credits, at least 5 must be in the requirements of some b. mathematics, 5 in the requirements of some b. science and 5 in the requirements of some b. arts.
- the student must have taken courses in at least 10 different disciplines.
- the student must have an average between 70% and 90%.
- the student must be able to at least display flashes of brilliance.
- the student must be able to display long stretches of apathy towards his or her studies.
- the student must be diagnosed with a "controllable psychological concern".

number of candidates

- one candidate will be chosen every year.

awards & benefits

- the length of this scholarship is indefinite subject to the student meeting the conditions outlined in the next section.
- full tuition, books and all other scholastic costs.
- $20,000/yr living expenses, adjusted yearly for inflation to 2010 base levels.
- full medical, dental under a plan similar to that given to professors and staff.
- the student is entitled to one year of "sabbatical" per every ten years.
- if the student lasts ten years within this program, any and all remaining student loan debts will be wiped out by the scholarship.
- after ten years within the program, the student retains the right to modulate between years of teaching and years of studying at will, meaning the student can put the program "on hold" so long as s/he is putting it "on hold" in order to teach.

conditions

- the student must have an average above 90% at the beginning of each subsequent school year (september) in order to retain the scholarship.
- the student must take at least one math course, one science course, one essay-based arts or social science course and one applied arts course per year.
- the student may or may not take courses in the summer.
- the student is required to attend classes and to provide evidence in the form of signatures by the professor of the class at the beginning and ending of the class. this will be checked rigorously and weekly by an officer of the school. failure to attend classes without a good reason will result in immediate termination of the scholarship.
- the student must not use non-prescribed drugs or alcohol between the times of 8:00 AM and 8:00 PM on weekdays and, if found doing so, will be immediately cut off from funding.

      perhaps the change in mindset is a bit more apparent now; this is a scholarship designed to pull old, nihilist, depressed, under-achieving students out of their own oblivion and provide them with some kind of meaning and purpose. it is consequently, fundamentally, a means of social welfare, not a loan to enhance opportunity or an attempt to differentiate the best from the pack, and so a very different approach to both scholastics and to scholarships.

i propose that the scholarship is implemented beginning in september, 2010 and that the first candidate is......me. great! yet, who is going to fund my noble construction?

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/thoughts/trolls/floater.html

demo #4: neglected

weak lyrics through most of the track, but i actually sort of dig the musical part of the song. and i like the lyrics in the bridge.

the track is called neglection, i guess that's what i was feeling at the time, and it was probably a fairly common state for mid-90s teenagers who were raised by their television sets and never really developed much of a sense of family. but i could rename it depression, and replace the words throughout.

i didn't re-record this. i think i wanted to rewrite the lyrics and never did.

recorded in sept, 1996. remastered sept 30, 2013.

Hey.

From: the surviving uncle
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>

Just wondering how you're doing.

installation file:
office2003.iso

Jessica Amber Murray
so, what's the deal with moving out of your apartment? did you find a friend house in ottawa, like you were looking for, or is this a part of your march out of ottawa...?

Shelly Teagan
Asylum

Jessica Amber Murray
planning on staying there, then?

Shelly Teagan
Not forever. Of course not.

demo #3: I did your mom

written way back in 1994. this isn't the first recording, but it's the first full recording.

now that i'm an adult, this isn't something i would write or promote. yet, i sort of am by uploading it. the interest here is to document the existence of a troubled child. well, and to document myself - i was that troubled child.

the history of the track is perhaps a little less obnoxious than may be suspected. i was actually being taunted by somebody in the eighth grade. that person had never met and never would meet my mother. it's just a remark that young boys make. freudian analyses aside, i don't think there's really that much conscious thought put into it.

my decision to write a song about it was half a joke and half a response to being teased. i listened to and feigned laughter at a lot of oppressive jokes when i was younger; to an extent, i regret not speaking up, but i can state with honesty that i never felt comfortable taking part (now, self-deprecating humour, often of a sexual nature, is another thing). this reaction, on that "fuck you" level, shouldn't provide for any specific discomfort.

however, the fact that i explored the topic in a deeper level of depth than my taunters did perhaps might, and perhaps should. i need to bring you back to my aims in recording this early demo: i was trying to be as disturbing and shocking as i possibly could be. my taunters provided me with a particularly disturbing subject matter to explore, and i took full advantage of that.

this track is certainly disturbing and certainly shocking. success? well, i guess. looking back, i've always been torn between regret and satisfaction. i still am...

recorded in september 1996. remastered sept 29, 2013.

installation file:
graphics.exe

the landlord was convinced that the leak was around the seal, but it seemed obvious to me that the leak was under the base.

installation file:
wireless.exe