pasta bowl

so, to start with, this is what seems to be sufficient in the pasta bowl:

- vitamins: beta-carotene, b1, b2, b3, b4, b6, b9, b13, c, d, e, f2, k2

- minerals: na, mg, p, k, ca, mn, fe, co, cu, zn, se

this is what seems to be lacking, after adjusting to the 50% requirements, from the 33% ones:

- vitamins: retinol, b5, b7, b8, b12 (natural), b15, b16, b20, f1, f3, f4, k1, s

- minerals: f, cl, mo

and this is what has not been measured at all:

- minerals: b, si, s, cr, ni, i

- all amino acids

- luteiin

- lycopene

- chlorophyll

- flavonoids

so, this is far more complicated than i thought.

if i boost the cheese & yogurt by a tad each, it should get the a, b5 and b12 up. the broccoli should get the k1 up. i think i have enough s from the oregano. but, i need to actually do the work for the rest of it - i can't hack through this. like, i was considering replacing limes with peas, but it seems like i might need to add both.

i've spun myself around in so many circles that i can't tell which direction is which, and can't right myself. i'm doing way too many things at once. the story of my life.

ok.

i need to clean the floor. that's what i need to do.

the fruit bowl is almost entirely done; it doesn't make sense to mess with this further until i can do it right.

so, that's another day wasted sleeping.

:(.

i'm going to get some eggs and get to it. there's a pasta meal write-up coming up.

i've also been watching that han thing though, and i'm reflexively drawing parallels to rome, something the video actually does, as well. this is a crash course in a complicated topic by a westerner that is necessarily approaching it from a distance, but i'm not about to delve into it in too much detail, either - this is an appropriate narration for the audience, insofar as that audience includes myself. as it is, even somebody with only a rough outline of chinese history, such as myself, has delved into this more deeply, already; each of these emperors of course deserves their own feature-length film, and i've already watched a handful of them. so, i'm not learning that much. but, it's useful to have it pieced together, too.

one of the differences seems to be that the northern barbarians of the east seem to have been less primitive and consequently less appealing; the germans, for example, based much of their resistance to roman rule on the rejection of taxation, whereas the huns & mongols were largely just another extractivist force that levelled punitive taxes on their populations to fund their empire - including, in later years, on slavs and germans, themselves. if the purpose of identifying with the germans in their struggle against the romans was that they were defenders of anarchy, freedom & democracy in the face of imperialism and tyranny - even when the resistance necessarily turned vicious and violent in self-preservation  - then no such identification seems apparent with the barbarians of the east, who implemented all of the violence of imperialism without adopting the benefits of settled civilization, and consequently seem to embody the term "barbarian" with a much deeper level of accuracy. but, maybe i shouldn't be trying to understand the han by focusing on the huns - and maybe that's an error the source is making, in presenting it to me that way.

one of the more useful things i'm pulling out of it in regards to the han themselves is how chinese civilization has grappled with religion. i already knew that this wasn't a communist thing, that chinese culture has this conflict between an atheistic/confucianist ruling class that sees superstition as backwards and an ignorant, rural, superstitious peasantry baked into it - that mao was reacting to his own culture, and rather openly so. maoism couldn't make sense anywhere else, and isn't intended to; it was intended as an application of communism to china, rather than the other way around. and, it's a reminder that the ccp is a chinese empire first and a communist state second. so, the narrative presents confucianism first and then taoism later both as disasters that had to be undone. this perception of religion as this kind of dangerous force of ignorance perpetuated by the peasantry is really decidedly unmarxist, but it parallels the kind of thing you heard from the late pagans, like proclus - the difference is that the religionists won in the west, and the atheists seem to have won, in the east. china consequently doesn't go through the kind of internal destruction that rome goes through, or at least not until the mongol invasion, when the society is totally transformed.

i think that reading up on chinese history is probably a good idea right now, however it is that you want to do it.

there's about an hour left on this, and we'll see if i want to post another comment about it or not.

after getting hit with a minor headache (not a migraine.) in the morning and deciding to sleep it off, i slept all day, again. they're putting something in my coffee, i think, when i'm out, and it's just forcing me to sleep it off. wasting my time with their stupidity...i'll just have to wait for it to stop. 

with the weather getting a little warmer, it's a good excuse to get girled up a little when i go out, even if i don't have anywhere to go except get groceries. *shrug*. 

i was up around 14:00, got some fruit and then had to crash yet again. i was up around 19:00. annoying urges that i do not want and choose to suppress aside, i hope i'm awake for the night, now. i should get some pasta fairly soon.

but, i mentioned that i was going to post a temporary update to just plug some holes in. i don't claim that these additions are in any way conclusive, or even substantive, but i'm going to hold to them until i can work out a better approach.

fruit bowl 

so, this is my total fruit bowl for now. note that i do not have numbers for phenylalanine, tyrosine, threonine or trytophan. i need to derive my own numbers for the first two, and i haven't done the calculations yet for the last two. but, i think this is sufficient for all of them. the other amino acids do not have calculated rdis at this time, but they are not considered essential and can therefore wait.

fruit & vegetables 

- 100 g strawberry  (c,s...cr,se)

- 30 g guava  (b8,c,s)

- 70 g kiwi (b8,c,k1...b,cr)

- 150 g avocado  (b5,b8,b9,b16,b20,c,e,f1,k1,s...b,na,s,k,cr,zn,se....h,l,k,m,c)

- 120 g banana (b5,b16...cl,k,se....h)

- 45 g raspberry (c,s...b)

- pinch of cinnamon (s, mostly)*

- 1 tbsp of paprika (pseudo-a + lutein & zeaxanthin) (see below)

+

- cherries (from yogurt, ice cream)  (extra pseudo-a,c,e,s + flavonoids)

- 45 g of blueberry or blackberry or cranberry (or multiples of them)  (extra c,e,s + flavonoids)

this week, i have both blueberries and blackberries.

again: flavonoids are probably useless in vivo, but i haven't yet done the research to hone in on them and try to figure out which, if any, can be absorbed. in the mean time, if you're taking the chance on blueberries or cranberries for flavonoids then you should find pure juice, as trying to get much of anything at all from a handful of blueberries or blackberries is probably totally silly. i'm just adding berries for taste and enjoyment, primarily - if they're on sale, as blueberries were this week.

*i'm currently using a pinch of what i presume is cassia cinnamon and that i purchased more or less by accident. when that runs out - or perhaps sooner - i'll see if i can find some ceylon cinnamon, to avoid issues with coumarin. this is not in the chart at this time, and is the only thing i might expand this bowl with, that i can see, at this time. the primary purpose of adding cinnamon is for the aspirin. cinnamon, of course, also tastes pleasantly.

"dairy"

- 400 ml fortified soy milk (a, b5,b7,b8,b16,b20,d,f1...b,na,p,s,k,ca,fe,co,cu,zn,se,mo....h,i,l,k,m,c,v)

- 82.5 g of cherry ice cream (a,b5,b12,b13,b16,b20,k2...na,s,zn,se....i,l,k,m,v)

- 50 g cherry yogurt (a,b16,b20...na,s,co,zn,se....i,l,k,m,c,v)

the soy is heavily fortified, and these are major sources of protein, as can be seen. 

cereal

- 40 g of vector (a,b3,b5,b7,b9,b15,b20,e,f1...na,cl,fe,zn,se,i)*

- 45 g of all bran (b5,b8,b15,b16,b20,f1...na,mg, p,s,cl,k,mn,fe,zn,se....h,i,l,k,m,c,v)

- 14 g wheat bran (b8,b15...s,cl,zn,se....c)!

these cereals are both heavily fortified, and the all bran is a source of bran - meaning it is a source of betaine, inositol, selenium....and, yes, fibre. you will pass this meal, trust me.

* - while the vector cereal is presumably a substantive source of protein, the amino acid amounts are not listed on the packaging, and the manufactured nature of the product means it is difficult to ascertain from the nutrition facts. this is therefore left as uncalculated and extra.

! - note that i have doubled the amount of wheat bran, for now, to meet the selenium amounts by brute force and have otherwise not recalculated anything. se has been added to all of the other items based on existing amounts. the raw wheat bran is consequently probably going to end up as a source of more items, including as a major source of betaine. this is done at minimal cost, but in an inefficient manner. this will be made more efficient in time.)

seeds

- 8 g of raw, hulled sunflower seed (e,f1...s,se....c) 

- 12 g of ground flax seed  (b16,f1,f2...b,si,s,ni,zn,se....c)

while listed as sources of protein, both only appear to be useful in this meal, at these quantities, for cysteine. rather, the sunflower seeds are a source of omega-6 & vitamin e, while the flax seeds are a source of omega-3, primarily. 

fungi & protists

- 5 g of nutritional yeast (b1,b2,b3,b4,b6,b7,b9,b12,b16...s,cr,se....k,c)

- 5 ml of algal oil (b12,16,f3,f4)

the yeast is loaded with b vitamins and the algal oil is the only substantive source of epa & dha in my diet at this time.

while i haven't finished calculating amino acid levels, this minor tweak for the wheat bran means that i am confident that this bowl is otherwise complete, at this time.

some other considerations for future additions:

major minor carotenoids 

1) lutein + zeaxanthin - there was a major study done a few years ago:

https://www.allaboutvision.com/nutrition/lutein.htm

so, it seems like a rough rule of thumb is that i should be aiming for around 12 mg a day, total, with 4 mg per meal, minimal, on my current schedule, given that this is fat soluble. this is very rough. for this meal, i should get about .4 from avocados, .0612 from raspberries, .0854 from kiwi, and only .026 from strawberry. there's only .1416 in the total bran consumption, at most. i can add .07812 from flax. and, that's it.

.4 + .1416 + .0854 + .07812 + .0612 + .026 = 0.79232 mg.

so, that's a little low. and, it doesn't seem like fruit is a good source of this nutrient, in general - it seems like it's a vegetable thing.

the exception seems to be paprika, which is technically a fruit. paprika is an easy, cheap source that i have on hand. to get to 4 mg, i'd need to add:.

.79232 + 13.158x > 4 <---> x > (4 - .7932)/13.158 = 0.24371485028

so, that's about 25 g - probably two big tablespoons.

.7932 + .25*13.158 = 4.0827

what's that going to taste like?

if you really want lutein without a supplement, it seems like you're going to be forced to eat leafy greens. we'll see if i think i need to add this to the pasta bowl in the presence of a capsicum onslaught or not, but the addition of a bit of broccoli should help, too.

let me commit to adding one tablespoon, for now. this is fat soluble. so, if i'm getting lots in my other two meals, i can maybe cheat a little. or, maybe i can add more to the pasta bowl, instead...

how are my eyes? i had an unnecessary surgery performed on me as a child, on the insistence of my psychotic and clinically retarded mother. my father took me to see several specialists, who insisted there was nothing wrong with my eyes. but, my calvinist mother, who neurotically thinks everything is genetic and perfectly pre-determined, and doesn't believe in the slightest concept of free will or chance or randomness in the universe at all, decided that i must need the surgery because she needed it. i need to be clear on this - there was no evidence at all that i had any vision problems, but she insisted i must need the surgery, simply because she needed it - the genetic relationship left no space for chance in the matter (an absurd misunderstanding of genetics, to say the least) and i had no choice in the matter, nor did my distraught father, who had to watch his only son have his vision destroyed in some kind of perverse ritual sacrifice to the gods of genetic predisposition. my father fought her as hard as he could, but the court gave her custody because she has a vagina and he didn't and she found some hack that was willing to do it, in the end. my eyesight has been horrible ever since - i can barely see five feet in front of me.

so, i've had to learn to live with poor vision; i need more than lutein to fix my eyes. i doubt it's reversible, but i don't even know.

but, i have little to lose by following the above report as best i can.

there's a review here:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6164534/

2) lycopene - the fact is that we don't yet have any positive data indicating that lycopene actually does anything, but we at least can absorb it, and that's pretty different than this list of flavonoids that we don't absorb at all. so, it works as an anti-oxidant in vitro and we can actually absorb it. so, it seems promising, but the studies just aren't extant, yet.

i've assumed that the lycopene data for guava applies strictly to pink guava rather than the green ones i'm eating (which are less domesticated and have more vitamins, overall), but is there a little in there? there's otherwise really no substantive source of lycopene in this meal, at all.

that said, based on this study, i think i should be aiming for about 5 mg/meal, to start, until i can get a better grasp of it:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3850026/#S3title

with the exception of 100 g of pink guava (3.33x more than i'm currently consuming), there is no source of fruit that gives me anything close to that. i'd have to drink a carton of grapefruit juice, or start adding in large amounts of watermelons - which are otherwise nutritionally void.

so, realistically, you'd really have to get it from tomatoes, and i have added a tomato to my pasta bowl for that reason. but, until i can get some more serious data on the actual efficacy of the chemical, i'm not going to worry much about it.

i'll do a more serious write-up when the time comes.

chlorophyll

without seriously looking into it at all, i'm going to baselessly assume that there's plenty of chlorophyll in the guava, kiwis & avocados, together. in fact, i think i can taste the chlorophyll in the guava & the kiwis - i think it's what gives it that piney taste.

...green kiwifruit has one of the highest concentrations of chlorophyll, after avocado (Ashton et al. 2006). 

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00425-012-1723-x

flavonoids

as mentioned, i'm going to throw some extra berries in for fun, whenever they are on sale.

i'll put the pasta bowl in a new post because i'm stopping to eat.

i also found a much cheaper (read: free.) solution to the getting-the-bike-out-of-the-living-room conundrum: i've locked it to the railing in the stairs. in fact, i've lodged it in the wall by the handlebars, but it's locked for extra support. twice. so, i can avoid buying that nook, at least for now.

i still need a bookcase for my bedroom, and i'm looking to replace my destroyed cabinet/dresser thing (which i had little utility for) with a sturdy table. it's a shame about that thing, but it just couldn't handle the moves - it was really the movers that destroyed it. i won't call that guy back.

so, they deposited my $300. and, i double checked - the loan isn't cancelled. that would imply that my letter writing campaign did actually work.

so, if you're in student loan debt and you got your carbon credit this time and didn't get it before, then you're welcome.

as i said at the time: it was probably a stupid oversight, and they probably missed it because it didn't cross their mind. it makes no sense at all that they intended to withhold it - it counteracts the intent. they just needed somebody to point it out.

have you heard a word from the ndp about this? i haven't.

it's interesting to note just how strong the parallels are between the german-roman struggle for europe and the mongol-han struggle for china. the ambush spoken of here around 51:00 reminds me much of the successful defence of the rhine by arminius.

but, let us stop and be empirical for a moment.

fact: canada is relying on a fund designed for third world countries in order to vaccinate it's citizens. it will be unable to do so, without relying on this fund.

if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, what is it? a mechanical duck, perhaps - but a duck, nonetheless.

and, the cause is clear - this is the devastation wrought by years worth of free trade, which is exactly what the british did to india.

the scandal here is that we have to dip into a supply intended for third world countries because free trade has destroyed our manufacturing capacity, not that we're putting ourselves ahead of other countries, which is simply acting rationally, and which every other country in the world is doing.

the fact that this is even a debate is reflective of the reality that something like half of the country is foreign born and sees themselves as transplants, and canadians second. we shouldn't even be debating this, and it's a reflection of where the country is in terms of immigration that we are. it's completely absurd to suggest that we ought to be more concerned about vaccinating citizens in other countries than we are about vaccinating ourselves, but here we are.

i just watched that byzantine documentary and was reminded of the battle of manzikert, where the emperor was forced to rely on turkish soldiers for defence, who defected and handed him over to the barbarians. canada is not only oblivious to these lessons of history, but seems focused on intentionally repeating the mistakes.

but, historical comparison aside, the focus from the left should be on how unchecked globalism has led us to this disaster, not a further embrace of it and a deeper articulation of globalist perspectives. i'm not surprised by anamie paul's reaction, as she is a perfect representative of the fake left. but, i am a little taken aback by stephen lewis' lack of commentary on the economic factors that led us here, while realizing that the cbc may have decided to cut him off in his response, or may have framed their questions in an intent to produce a specific response.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/covax-anand-vaccine-timetable-1.5939270

so, i spent the whole day sleeping and skipped everything, which i'll now have to put off until monday.

i left on thusrsday afternoon to go to the dentist with the hopes of securing a low dose doxycycline rx, and what he told me was that my mouth was unusually clean and the recession simply isn't being caused by bacteria. so, antibiotics wouldn't make any sense. when i pointed out that i was requesting doxycycline to inhibit collagenase production and not explicitly for it's antibiotic properties, he responded that he did not accept the idea that the recession may be being caused by a host response to the bacteria (which, if true, would model some gum disease as a kind of cancer, or even a kind of allergic reaction; it would suggest your body is losing gum tissue because it is attacking itself, in overproducing collagenase, rather than being attacked by bacteria. but, i have to acknowledge that this is not the accepted science at this point - it is an alternative theory, and i shouldn't be surprised if most dentists tell me it's wrong.), and retreated back to the idea that i simply didn't have any bacteria in my mouth, and that an rx would consequently not be appropriate. he told me my recession was simply the result of aging combined with overbrushing. what i'm going to say is that i understand his diagnosis and respect his reluctance, as he has rules he needs to follow, as a licensed dentist; what i need to do is find somebody who has experimented with this previously, and is willing to go beyond the accepted science. like, i can't say for sure that this is going to work, but i kind of don't even care why because the other option is letting my gums rot away and watching my teeth fall out. whatever the reason for the recession is, i have to do something....or else....

he also argued that he wouldn't recommend a gum graft in my mouth, because the success rates for gum grafting is very low. i've looked into this a little, and the best way i can make sense of that claim is that he's arguing that gum grafting doesn't undo the causes of recession, so i'll just end up re-receding any grafted tissue (again with the causes). well, that's maybe true, but i want to be more optimistic than that, and i want to approach the root causes the best i can. i already quit smoking a long time ago, so we can rule that out - as much as i can control it, which is less than i'd like. i'm hacking through the guy's habits upstairs, even right now. if i'm having issues with over-brushing, we can correct that. the one thing i probably can't actually fix at this point is crooked teeth (and air pollution), but i'd rather regraft over and over if i have to than watch my teeth fall out...

but, i mean, it's not covered unless the tooth is about to fall out. so, the only way i can pay for a gum graft is to wait for it to get so bad that my teeth are going to fall out if i don't do it. and, i'm thankfully not there yet, so it's not a feasible approach, anyways. i can point out that this is legitimately flat out stupid, and even the ford government seems to be slowly realizing how stupid it is, but i can't undo the stupidity of capitalism via convincing rhetorical devices, as though the bourgeoisie would just give up if it only understood. so, there's no path there - but it uncovered the dentist's attitude, which is more pessimistic than i want. i was happy to get the more conservative diagnosis, granted. but i need somebody that's a little less risk-averse. so, i've found his analysis invaluably useful, but i'll need to call around looking for somebody that has done this before - and i may need to travel for it. that's fine. it's a race against time.

so, i left the dentist without what i wanted, but with a better grasp of reality than i previously had. i'm asking for an experimental treatment and need to be cognizant of that fact in approaching licensed practitioners. that's a step forwards

on the way back, i stopped at the grocery store to pick up a number of items that i would normally pick up at that store and in fact bought too many things to get my bicycle home, including some extra additions to the pasta bowl, namely tomato and broccoli, which i'm adding blindly as a temporary stop-gap. a temporary update to the meal plan will follow shortly, as i add a few things to plug known holes, until i can get back to it. i should point out that the weather on this day was deceptively cold, with the temperature itself not being so bad but the windchill making it seem much colder than it really was, so my decision to bicycle was in truth in error. nonetheless, i found myself forced to walk with two extra jumbo boxes of vector and a plastic carton of grapefruit juice, in excess to what i could fit in my bag.

i initially tried to cart it but found myself blocked from further movement at the exit to the plaza, and on the way home found a wasteland of locked carts along that strip of tecumseh, discarded every couple of metres. i walked by about ten of them, and tried a few, but it was the same thing with all of them. this clearly indicates that there is a strong demand for carts in the neighbourhood, and that the grocery store is performing a disservice in the community by putting these radio sensors in them. further, we're banning plastic bags and bringing in a carbon tax, when one of the simplest things we can do to reduce unnecessary pollution is encourage people to walk to the store to do groceries! again: i can convince you this is stupid, but it doesn't fix it. and, one of the things you learn studying history is that nobody listens to the people arguing the society is destructive and stupid...not even after it's too late...

when i was nearly home, i scored a walmart cart just past crawford, and it's a good thing i did, too.

and, a curious thing happened as i was walking, too - a woman with a bag of red onions and a bag of potatoes sneaks up behind me and drops them into the cart. her english was very broken, but she was able to get across the point that she reasoned that if we were walking the same route then i should help carry the load, and i quite frankly had no debate with the premise - i'm an advocate of community cart use, as i've pointed out repeatedly. so, i got her onions and potatoes a good way up the road for her, but then i had to turn off. i wish i could have left her the cart, but i knew i needed it myself - to bring a bookcase home.

when i arranged for the transaction in the morning. i figured i could get the bookcase home by putting the shelves in a knapsack and carrying the case home myself. i did not initially intend to cart it. but, once i found myself in the possession of a cart, i immediately realized the utility of it and subsequently immediately formed the intent to further utilize it. this woman was definitely disappointed, but i insist my claim on further use was justified. and, it turns out that it was actually necessary - my initial intent was starkly naive. 

but, this woman should have had access to a cart. she should not have been forced to carry this load on her own. shame on these stores for forcing her to walk home with a heavy load like that.

so, i got my food away and then took a walk up campbell to get get what was advertised as a 70" tall bookcase - and turned out to be made of solid oak and closer to 72" than 70" - a key fact given that the space i wanted to put it in is 70.5" tall. gah. good thing i had the cart, right? the seller had told me to pick the unit up from her porch and leave the $15 in the mailbox, presumably to avoid contact, which i did do, after i broke the top off getting it into the cart. oops.

the reality is that it's well more than $15 worth of wood, and i'll take it based on that fact alone, even if i end up leaving it here, in the end. i was only able to get it in here by sliding it down the railing, which converted nicely into an inclined plane. and, i have to put it in a different space than initially intended, because it's about an 1/8" too tall to fit where i want. well, one thing at a time, right? i needed two and now i need one.

so, i got my book case in here and then had to go get my bicycle. i left the cart where i turned off, and hope somebody else can find a use for it, although it was still there when i came home.

i got my bicycle home with a bag of avocados, some toilet paper and some ice cream and set immediately to making myself pasta, with the intent to get everything in order here over night, but found myself slow to actually eat due to the need to clean in the kitchen and put food in tupperware, and then needing to sleep as soon as i finished eating. i intended to nap, but i didn't wake up until after 10:00.

given my reliance on off-peak electrical, i need to be nocturnal in my habits and plan to sleep during the day. i can't be waking up at 10:00 am like this. so, i made the conscious decision to force myself to sleep - and did, quite spectacularly, getting some high quality sleep in, and not waking up until almost 17:00.

so, here we are then.

i'm going to catch up on eating, first. then, i'm going to clean all night and all day. so, here we go...

again: is listening to a podcast or watching a documentary as good as reading a book?

i previously said no - but that it's also the next best thing.

but, i guess it depends on the podcast and the book, to an extent.

i can multitask when i'm eating, and i realize the importance of doing it.

i'll write something up after i eat...

i was hoping to train the youtube suggestion algorithms, but it's really pointless. they take ridiculous guesses based on fake vloggers and paid accounts. so, i've avoided this yanis varoufakis guy because i think he's a neo-liberal, but youtube keeps sending me link after link about him. i think zizek is a pseudo-intellectual dunce, but they keep pushing him on me, anyways. and, jordan peterson? really? jordan fucking dumbass peterson? almost every refresh, unavoidably...

years ago, i had this really long youtube watch list that i sorted through when eating that was based on loading up entries from a long series of channels that i had actually mostly built up over facebook. what actually happened was that i got really far behind on the newsfeed, then went to each of the sites and just added all of the videos at all of the sites to it. i never got my way through it...

i'm going to be a little less systematic about it this time, and i don't intend to vlog about it. but, rather than rely on these awful algorithms to sell me garbage i don't want (both literally and figuratively. you don't think youtube manufactures consent?), i'm going to pick out some specific channels and run through them.

and, then i'm going to subscribe to them. 

so, i'm not adding my fake youtube account to the side, or at least i'm not until i upload anything to it. but, it seems like that's where i'm commenting from, for now - by necessity, if not by choice.

i will get back to the stanford lectures, but perhaps not just right now.

this is the first channel i'm going to key on, and i'm going to move backwards because i just watched the byzantium documentary. i can't say i learned much from it, but i enjoyed watching it and talking to myself in reacting to good or weak points made by it. and, we'll see how i react to the rest of them.

i am 100% self taught in history. well, i took a classics 101 (we read homer.) course and a third year course in byzantine history as a breadth requirement for the math degree. yet, i have little if any direction in the topic - despite clearly having substantive knowledge. there are a few topics that i preferred to avoid at school, because i consider studying them recreational, and you only get so many time slots at school. history was one of them, for sure - don't let my complete lack of education on the topic trick you into thinking i haven't read any history. like, i've read tacitus. and gibbons (can you tell?). for fun. how many history majors have actually seriously read tacitus?

i had this genealogical project i used to work on where i was trying to create a constructive proof for a theory of class dominance. my intent was to demonstrate that class mobility just doesn't happen in this society, by tracing virtually everybody of any value back to a global ruling class, with roots in the various ancient civilizations. i don't know even know what i wanted to do with this; i told myself i wanted to do statistical analysis on the dataset, but i was really more interested in the anthropology. so, researching the genealogy gave me the excuse to  do research on a huge array of topics, from reading gimbutas directly to the genetics, the linguistics, and history of every place and every sort imaginable.....except that of normal people, who i didn't have much time for, as it turns out. i kind of reversed the contemporary trend in teaching history, but then i avoided the academy on purpose, didn't it?

so, this is how i taught myself much of what i know, and it means i have a sort of hard block somewhere around the indus river, where the genealogies really flip over and dry up. i've argued repeatedly that islam and iran are inherently western civilizations, and it has a lot to do with these bloodlines - you can see how the culture really saw itself by seeing how it married, and the arabs and iranians alike clearly saw themselves distinctly as westerners. the broader iranian cultural sphere includes most of central asia (up to the desert and the mountains) as well as the northwestern part of india, and it's only here that the thing really flips over into something else - and where my understanding dries up with the blood. i have an outline of indian history, and it's really pretty blurry when it comes to southeast asia, india, korea and china - let alone subsaharan africa, which was an entirely different universe until a mere few centuries ago.

there is some value in watching these, for that reason - i know all about the byzantines, and a bit about the han and the aztecs, but i'm likely to learn a fair bit by watching documentaries on the khmer or the songhai, although i can at least say i know where they all were and a little about what they were all about.

so, here's channel #1:

https://www.youtube.com/c/FallofCivilizationsPodcast/videos

and, i should try to stay caught up when i get caught up.

it is fair to say that the turks wanted to  be romans, but the romans did not want to be turks. so, the turks tried to model themselves after rome as a successor state, but what was left of the population got up and left - some of it returning to rome (where it kickstarted the renaissance) and some of it fleeing north to russia. i hold to the historical idea of moscow as the third rome, and see the russian empire as the continuation of byzantium. as such, the fall of constantinople was not the end of the romans, exactly - so much as the loss of the capital to the persians. empires shift over geographic boundaries and ethnic groups, but very few are ever truly destroyed.

yeah, the going price seems to be roughly $10/stick, meaning it would cost me $40 to buy a backup set and $80 for two. and then i need to pay shipping...

what am i willing to pay for 25 year old ram? about half that, max - but something close to $2/stick would be reasonable, and feasible to find if you search around enough.

i'm going to need to make a pawn shop rummage run for old ram when i can.

i don't need the ram enough to pay $100 for it...

but, i'll keep an eye out for it.

no sd ram for sale in windsor or ontario, for that matter...

this is a 1998 model board. i need to get it while i still can, because it wont boot at all when there's no more ram to kickstart it with. and, let that be written of these asus boards, as these macs and dell and hp laptops pile up in landfills - they last until you can't find any ram for them anymore.

that's impressive. truly.

so, i went to boot the reconstructed machine and...

nothing.

shit.

no beep codes? no pc speaker.

so, i had to build a new pc speaker out of electrical tape and a piece of cardboard (i exaggerate only slightly.) to get the beep codes to figure out why it wasn't booting. and, it was ram.

so, i stripped the thing right down and did a component-by-component test to realize that....everything works after all.

hrmmn.

so, did it just need a reseating? that's maybe an oversimplification. reseating it on it's own didn't help. rather, it seemed like once i triggered the circuit with a 65 mb chip that the 256 mb chips started flowing, too - meaning it's more like i had to warm it up than that i had to reseat it.

the machine is currently sitting at the bios screen with just a video card and hard drive, in addition to the maxxed out 1 gb of ram. so, it works. hooray. 

and, it's quiet - which i don't even understand. it should be as loud as it ever was. but, i'll take it.

i need to check kijiji for 256 mb pc100 sd ram. that's the most the device can take, and a little back up will definitely help.

it's otherwise nice to get things back and running again, even if everything around me remains in disarray.

i've also found my windows 98 se + sp2 disc (lol.) & a series of winlited xp installation discs intended specifically for this pIII. the most recent one will be in the drive when i turn it on.

i'm probably going to want to build a new winlited xp installation disc from scratch, we'll see.

so, i've rebuilt the hardware in the machine, at least.

but i don't have the iso i was looking for...

i was able to find an iso at archive.org. we'll have to see if it works or not.

i may otherwise be stuck trying to find the 16-bit drivers and software for the device. i at least seem to have a useful user manual that will remind me of what i'm looking for and ought to have.

so, i'm making some fruit and will get back to it afterwards.

hey, if it works on both partitions then great.

i may have an iso of it on my storage drive.

if i still have that pile of old install discs, i don't know where it is.

i think i left it outside my door once in the old apartment, with the intent to put it away in storage when i got around to it, and the retard upstairs decided it was garbage.

fucking retards. they ruin everything.

i actually have two legacy soundblaster cards, and i kind of had them installed in a foolish way, because i was splitting the functionality of the machines off pretty strictly.

so, i put the older live! card in the recording machine because i wanted to connect it to the bay in the front. then, i put the newer audigy in the older machine, to use it as a media pc in the living room.

but, i really want the audigy in the newer 32-bit box and the live drive! in the 16-bit environment.

i'll have to find the old disc if i even still have it, but the problem might have been that they sold me a demo with reduced functionality....so i had to load the install from the disc, and the setup file wouldn't launch in the 32-bit environment.

there are other reasons why i want a 16-bit system besides this, so trying to force the eax to work in a 32-bit system is missing the point.

the eax + the live drive meant i could plug my guitar into the device and use it as a real time reverb processor, which is something i haven't been able to emulate since.

but, the audigy can also connect to a front end, and i should probably see if i can find something cheap on ebay. one thing at a time; i need some furniture for in the other room and haven't heard anything back yet.

i need this, too, to make sure i get the connections right. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q8aZAvX24IRDNLTL2i8at3-6HSz6QSZg/view?usp=sharing

did i always have it set to condenser mic? it might explain why the audio in was often less than stellar. lol.

there's a jumper to trigger it for use with an actual 1/4" microphone. that's been set, now - maybe for the first time. rtfm, right?

but, this is what i wanted, and isn't in the manual. i'm going to archive it here in case i need to find it later, and that page (dated to  2005-06-16, 14:32) disappears. but, it turns out that there's not much of use here.

JP2 - When jumpered, connects SPDIFIN#1 from a cascaded Digital I/O Card to the AUD_EXT header (back to the Live! card).

JP3 - When jumpered to DD (default), connects SPDIFIN#2 from the Live! Drive's Digital DIN header to the AUD_EXT header. When jumpered to CDB, connects SPDIFIN#2 from the cascaded Digital I/O Card's Digital DIN header to the AUD_EXT header. (I'm not aware of anything that even uses this input...)

JP4 - When jumpered to OUT0, sends the SPDIFO#0 signal (front-channels) to the CS8414 CODEC for the headphone output. When jumpered to OUT2, sends the SPDIFO#2 signal (front and rear channel mix) to the CS8414 CODEC for headphone output (default).

JP6 - The default position on my Live! Drive was to OPT/P_IN, which routes the incoming coax S/PDIF signal to SPDIFIN#1 on the AUD_EXT header. Moving the jumper to the RCA_IN position sends that signal instead. The RCA_IN signal appears to come from the CT4861 riser card, which hosts the optical S/PDIF and AUX I/O, and is found on the Live! Drive II.

for now:

https://www.vogons.org/viewtopic.php?t=40230

this device actually has a very powerful dsp in it, that i could never get to work with a 32 bit os. virtual machines didn't work right - and this is relatively complex, on an old processor. i kind of gave up on it because you just can't put windows 98 on the internet, and you have to connect to the internet. right?

but, access to that dsp is actually sort of fundamental to completing unfinished work that was left incomplete and started over a certain period of time.

at this point, the device is essentially useless to connect to the internet with, anyways. so, i'd might as well put 98 on it and just leave it offline. 

i'm actually going to dual boot it with a winlited 32-bit xp install that i built as a glorified type writer for that machine specifically, if i can find it. that way, i've got access to a basic xp typing environment as an absolute backup, in addition to regaining full access to the hardware. so, i should be able to access this machine in both 16-bit and 32-bit windows environments.

it's a somewhat unusual but actually very functional project that i don't expect to take so long. uch-o.

it's been so long that i needed to download the user manual:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Vo0H6V0-PhGen--eatQtiegDfTFpiiUC/view?usp=sharing

i'll leave that there for now, given that i'm on this chromebook, and it will wipe in time.

i also spent some time last night looking at tactics regarding what to do about storing my bicycle on the landing upstairs and decided to hold off on it. i could potentially get a hook and screw it in the wall for relatively cheap, but i ran a studfinder over the wall and it's just full of electrical spots. and, i'm not even sure that a stud is a good idea for a solution like that - i want a brick or tile column. and, who wants that?

so, i could get something called a "nook", and i might even be willing to shell out for it, but it's not a cheap device. i should wait to see if that money comes in or not. if it does, i should get one.

that will stop me from having to bring the bike in and out of the space i'm living in, which should make cleaning it a lot easier.

short nap, but it took.

good.

there's something more like normalcy...i hate all this useless sleeping i've been doing recently...

so, i think i have an answer for the bookshelves figured out, and it's nice and easy. i also might have an upgrade for the rickety headboard i've been improvising for too long, now - but that's tentative. one thing at  a time...

that would be all of the furniture required for the bedroom, for now.

i'm also toying with getting a big bookshelf from ikea to cover over the sliding doors in here. i know you haven't seen pictures, yet.

i've decided what i want to put into the 16-bit machine as well, based on what was in there previously. when this was a production machine, it had a regular cd drive and a cd burner - not dvds, cds. i replaced the cd reader with a dvd reader when it broke, and bought a dvd-writer for it in 2006 to replace the cd-writer, which ended up in the other machine when this one was converted into a media playback centre. so, to reconstruct the spirit of the initial machine, the three slots should be a dvd-writer on top, a dvd player below and the sb! live drive! card on the bottom. ok....

i need a nap.

unfortunately.

divide and....co-operate?

lessons from history...

regarding saudi despots and murdered journalists...

i want to pull back on this a little, as, as vicious as this was, it's not that unusual. the russians do it. the chinese do it. the americans do it, too - albeit usually in latin america. i mean, consider the case of julian assange, or what would happen to edward snowden if he came home. journalism is a very dangerous profession. it's how it's always been, and how it will always be - so long as there is power to disturb, it will react.

so, why is the case of the turkish journalist being singled out?

is there something specific about the geopolitical situation, the ancient rivalry between the saudis and turks that is in truth every bit as volatile as the rivalry between the saudis and iranians? 

is it because it was an act of insolence, because the journalist was "american based"?

is it indicative of infighting in the saudi theocracy itself?

i don't know. really...

but, this event was less unique than many would like you to believe, and is in many ways a threat that is a part of the job description.

so, i meant to stay up all night and take a brief trip out to the store in the morning, before getting home and taking a shower. unfortunately, the second hand smoke got to me and i passed out immediately after finishing my cereal. i wasn't up and out to the store until close to 14:00, and i ended up taking two trips because i overpacked my bag and needed to cart it. that means i got more shopping done today than intended, and also that the day is mostly gone.

so, what's next?

i'm going to do lots of eating, take that shower and then see if i can rebuild these old machines. if that's all i can get done before i have to crash, so be it.

so, if i go back to june 15th, 2017 and read forwards to about july 15, 2017 i think i'll have a good idea of the logic i had constructed.

but, i need to eat..

let's hope the fucking idiot doesn't succumb to retard hour. it's -15 out, but i'll open the window and drive up the heating bill, if he wants to pay for it.

....because polluter pays. that's how it goes.

so, i've sorted through my notes from 2017 and pulled out the following:

old laptop - nothing <---it was in the closet, at the time.

old desktop - nothing  <----still the tv

access point - rca sound out, ps/2 mouse/keyboard combo.   <----this was the converted recording pc, with several parts stripped out.

cq60 - guitar interface   <-----i wanted to turn the compaq laptop into a real time guitar effects processor. that's no longer feasible, due to the broken screen.

pav g6 - editing software?  <--- at the time, it still booted, but the screen was dead. i was going to connect this to the access point via rj-45 and use it as an external processor for editing videos for vlogging, strictly. and a big part of why i haven't uploaded any vlogs in several years is that i never got around to it....

new desktop - square dvi or hdmi monitor,  new audio receiver & studio monitor speakers <---new recording pc, built from new components and old parts.

how can i update this?

old laptop - i need to get more ram for this thing. i can max it out for cheap and should. it could still work as a tv.

old desktop - i previously upgraded the ram in this machine for cheap and put a firewire connector in it. it's pretty much maxed out, but i can't use it as a tv, as it just can't run an html5 browser, even maxxed out. but, it is maxxed out and that's something i can take advantage of in putting 98 on it. it has a working dvd-reader (no writer) in it, which is ironically less important than it was even five years ago. it has a tv tuner (and could take a cable in if i had one) and i'm putting the sb live it came with back in it, with the front-end interface. so, it's going to be just like when i bought it, but upgraded as much as is possible to take maximum ram specs. i don't think i need to add anything else to it

access point - i was using the cq60 as the access point and would like to go back to it if i can get it to work. i have newish ram, a newish battery & a newish hard drive. but, the machine has seemingly been heavily hacked, for what reason, exactly, i don't fully understand. until then, i need to use the chromebook to get on the internet - and the ability to powerwash the device is highly useful given the constant police harassment that i'm apparently under.

guitar interface - i no longer have a laptop that i can convert into a guitar interface. this idea is not entirely ejected, but no longer makes much sense to think about it. i mean, the logic was that i had this extra laptop that was perfectly fine - i no longer have an extra, perfectly working laptop but rather have four mostly broken laptops.

pav g6 - if i can fix this, i'd like to convert it into a video processor. if i can't, i need to find something else to process video with.

recording pc - keep the same, more or less. this machine works, but i need to keep it off the internet to prevent interference in what i'm doing.

new pc - build into 64 bit recording pc for eventual use. i'm penciling in the matlab project, iirc.

the new item is "mobile device", which i had used both the broken hps for in the past and never really got to use the chromebook much for. i should try to fix the chromebook one way or the other; if i can fix it well enough to salvage it as a mobile device, great. for now, it's the access point. and, it would no doubt make a better tv, if it comes to it. but, then i need a new mobile device.

ok.

i've got these ideas clear in my head, again.

now, i need to find a more detailed post that explains what i wanted to keep in the old pc and move to the new one, before i put the old pc away for a bit.

polluter pays.

right?

if he can afford the drugs, he can afford to compensate the people around him for the externalities caused by them.

...and if i'm wrong? if the heat is too much, and the hot water is hurting him?

simple answer: spend less money on drugs, then.

i mean, that's ultimately what he's broadcasting to me - that he has so much money, he can waste it on drugs, and i don't need to worry much about his utilities, as a result of it.

it's hard to focus in the filth, but i'm trying.

and, if he wants to pay extra to heat the place, and extra on hot water for me to redo laundry, that's his stupid choice. i'm concerned about my health, not his finances. the more he spends on utilities, the less he has to spend on drugs.

that fucking loser upstairs has turned into a worthless, welfare case drug addict as a consequence of the pandemic - he's taking my disability check and blowing it all on drugs on the first of the month. i've noticed it a few months in a row, now. the drugs clear up mid-month or so, and are worst the day after i pay him.

so, he's taking my welfare check and spending it on drugs.

fucking pathetic.

so, i got distracted there.

as i'm dusting everything off and making sure it still works, which is not the first time i've done that, i'm realizing the need to rebuild the machines. i ultimately want to put the 32-bit machine in it's spot in the desk and plug it in, but i need to figure out what i'm putting in it and not putting in it, which has changed since i initially bought the parts for the 64-bit machine, which i haven't gotten around to building yet.

i should go back and check my notes from 2017 to see exactly what i wanted to do with each item, and each part for each item, before i commit to doing anything with them, now, just to make sure i don't miss any ideas i may have had at the time. 

i now have three pcs (the 90s pc, the 32-bit production pc and a new 64-bit machine that i haven't set up yet) and four laptops (two broken modern hps, a 90s laptop that still works but is impossibly slow and a falling apart expired ibm chromebook) to utilize, and need to figure out the best way to set them up, relative to what i want to actually do. back when i lived in the other basement apartment, i initially had the oldest pc set up in the living room as a streaming device to send youtube out to an old tv set, the hp laptop in my bedroom as a glorified typewriting gateway device and what i'm calling the 32-bit machine set up as my main production machine in the recording room. what happened was that both modern laptops lost their screens in sequence within a few months, leaving me without a good access point, and i decided i'd be foolish to buy another laptop, given that laptops are just mass manufactured garbage, in today's world.

it's just based on empirical observation; i've learned, by experience, that laptops are simply designed to break  - they're made of shitty components with intentionally short lifetimes. it's planned obsolescence. so, i decided i wouldn't waste my money on them, and i'd stick with good asus boards in all of my machines, moving forwards, instead. i'll never waste money on a laptop that is designed to break within a few months, ever again.

so, what i wanted to do was move the 32-bit machine into my bedroom to replace the broken laptop, and then use the new machine as the recording machine in the music room. the intent was to take large amounts of what is currently in the 32-bit machine (the recording stuff) and put it in the 64 bit machine. i think i even wanted to switch the cases, which i now think is insane.

i then wanted to convert the newer hp laptop - which has 8 gb of ram in it - into a video processing console, and connect it to the bedroom pc via a network cable. i was intending to use the other hp laptop as a real-time guitar effects processor. i had no plans for the oldest laptop, except as an emergency backup. 

when i moved to the apartment building, i went from three rooms to two rooms and that plan no longer made any sense. first, i lost my server room, which buffered the noise from the old pc, which it no longer made any sense to leave on all of the time. on top of that, there wasn't really room for the tv, which ended up sitting in a corner, and was ultimately left there; the 90s laptop was still able to connect to the internet with minimal effort, so it made sense to just use that by putting it on the coffee table, instead. so, i decided that i'd convert the old pc (which was no longer being used as a tv) into a 16-bit machine for recording, keep the 32-bit machine as it is, and build the 64-bit machine when it was time to do so. the idea was to swap between them using a kvm.  but, things did not work out there, and i never really got around to setting up any of these things.

after i moved into the space i'm in now, i kept using the 90s laptop as a tv and i bought a cheap chromebook, which was intended for use strictly as a mobile device, given that my laptops were now both non-mobile. this is, itself, now falling apart. it lost the battery several months ago, and i've got a usb mouse and keyboard attached to it, just like the other ones. that means it's no longer of use as it's intended purpose, leaving me in the same scenario as previously (without a mobile computer), although it still connects as an access device, which is what i've been using it as, recently. i can't type on a phone, which renders it useless to me - i just have no interest in it, i think it's useless. if i get my climate money in, i could conceivably use it to buy a new laptop for mobile use, and then convert the chromebook into a new tv. that would solve all of these laptop and tv problems, and clear up the 16-bit pc for further musical use.

it's a shame that i can't just use the old laptop, which is built like a tank and still runs. i mean, it's a perfectly functional device. i actually winlited an installation disc specifically for it, and specifically to use it as a tv, but it's of minimal use to me at this point because i need an html-5 ready browser to access youtube, now. that is the specific thing that broke the 90s pc, and the specific thing that broke the 90s laptop, too. this thinkpad should have no such problems for quite some time. so, i could use it as a tv replacement, in the medium to long run.

i want to go back, though, to make sure that i didn't have some other plan for this 16-bit pc, before i turn it back into a recording console.

it may seem obsolete, but i think it makes sense to keep dedicated 16-bit and 32-bit recording machines, on top of the incoming 64-bit machine. i have both hardware and software that only really works right with 16-bit drivers, and that is no doubt true in a 32-bit environment, too - although i truly don't know, because i honestly haven't tried. i have a very detailed winlited install disc with a complex script that was built for the 32-bit environment. i need to upgrade to get more ram - 4 gb is a real and hard limit - but i don't want to lose the functionality. so, it makes more sense to set the three devices up in parallel and kvm between them.

i just need to go back over my notes and remind myself how i wanted to do it.

so, that's the plan for the next few hours, and i should at least have the 16 and 32 bit machines properly rebuilt by the end of it.

but, if i'm going to be sitting at home all summer with a little bit of extra cash in my account, i should use it to fix these broken machines up, one at a time.

fuck, let's start a new party made up solely of people on disability, and overturn the entire legislature, then all get pensions out of it.

fuckers.

again: that's called justice.

i could always move home and fucking unseat the bitch, then take the pension.

hrmmn.

so, i have to gamble here.

if i take the money, i'll have to get off disability, and that will force me into the real world - which means suing my stepmother and probably my sister. one thing i've learned doing this is that time limitations don't mean much in court, in real life - but i already knew that. if there's no further sources at the end of it, i dry up. so, i'll need to finish everything in the finite space and just die when it runs out.

if i don't take the money, i'm gambling that disability might get cancelled, which will have the result of getting thrown out on the street almost immediately. but, if it doesn't, i'm probably ok until i die.

i don't want to live in a market economy and would rather take the check and not have to worry about it. i'm lucky - i found an escape, and argued my way into it. but, what if they take it away?

the thing is that doug ford (and, specifically, this psychopath representing barrhaven, which i grew up smoking drugs all over, named lisa mcleod) has said some very concerning things regarding......

eliminating disability.

like, we're not talking about slashes. we're talking about completely doing away with it. and, this is a big part of why i'm doing all of this.

if i win this settlement - or the larger one at the hospital - i'm going to all of a sudden have no choice but to look into my father's finances and potentially sue my sister. i wanted to avoid that. like, i just got up and left - i just wanted out, immediately, at all costs. but, the perception was that the upper limit of what i could actually gain from this would pale in comparison to a stable odsp check. i was actually better off just bolting. but, if the check is evaporating, or i'm otherwise forced off of it...

now, that being said, it doesn't seem like they're actually doing any of this. this woman was shuffled into a less powerful role, and that doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to do in a pandemic. but, if they win another majority...

we've all no doubt forgotten it, but this is a government that was elected on a staunchly fiscally conservative platform and a party that has a history of radical cuts to everything. it's not outside of the realm of plausibility, if they're allowed to sit in office for too long.

i was supposed to take the money the karen sends me and give it to the bank. and, i claim that is justice.

but, if the student loan is cancelled - and we'll see what happens next week - then what happens if i get a $100,000 settlement?

my income, according to the return i just filed, is a hair under $15,000. at 1.5% interest, which is more than i get now, i'd need a balance of a million dollars to do better than that, if the intent is to live off the interest.

as it is, $100,000 is probably good for 5-6 years. realistically...

and, then what? then i'm broke, and can't get on to disability. well, unless i can find some way to sell my fucking art. right?

hrmmn. 

i welcome the debt cancellation, if it happened, but i worry it might be a poison pill.

my canada student loan has also disappeared from the list of debts. did it get cancelled?

that was the big one - almost $100,000 and just piling up interest.

the ontario portion of the student loan is still there, but it's much smaller.

i keep logging into the cra site to unchange my address change. they "corrected" my address in such a way as to produce an incorrect postal code. so, i want to change it back and can't because the servers have been down for a week...

but, it seems like i have a $300 carbon tax rebate in transfer.

maybe my letter writing worked after all; maybe they changed it. we'll see soon enough - the date is the 8th, which is next monday. if it goes through, great.

do you think the jews want another failed state on their border?

so, am i more aligned with trump than biden on syria?

i need to be clear that neither option is very good.

but, yeah - trump is looking more and more like a lesser evil.

and, the fake left media will blame it on the jews.

obviously.

following chomsky, i used to argue the opposite point, but the evidence in front of me has pulled the rug out from underneath me.

we are the lapdogs of the saudis.

we do what they pay us to do.

and, we don't even ask a lot of questions about it.

and, this is why i could not support biden - it took less than three months to get there.

if they win in syria, is iran next? maybe. but, the saudis are probably more focused on africa, because those are conquests they can actually win.

it is not surprising that biden is bombing syria, and i need to be clear that i supported and still support eliminating isis, but did not and do not support attacking assad. so, i am opposed to this action. staunchly.

in iraq, you had to rely on analysts to understand what was going to happen, but it was hardly ambiguous.

in syria, you can see what's happening in front of your eyes - we are supporting islamic extremists, in their attempt to topple a flawed but secular state.

so, it is not just predictable that iraq will follow in the same footsteps as iraq should the baathist regime there fall as well, but it is actually the intent - because the bankers pulling the strings are the theocracy in saudi arabia, and this is what they actually want, to reduce syria to a backwards, islamic theocracy.

i have about as much time for debunking christianity as i do for disproving the easter bunny.

it's just too dumb to bother with.

i'm still cleaning...

so, i haven't been doing much on here besides triggering playlists. i stopped to watch a bertrand russell video while eating pasta last night, and didn't have much to say about it. 

i guess that being a christian in 2021 is a little different than being one in 1927, so if he's to preface his analysis with a rejection of medieval dogma, i'd have to reverse the logic of it - the most dominant form of religion nowadays is a sort of deist syncretism, so if you're to be insistent that you're actually a christian, chances are you're adhering to some sort of creed. there are of course also the nationalists that attach christianity to some kind of white identity, but i'd actually argue that that's even wrong - the ideals they're upholding were largely extant in direct opposition to the imperial domination that christianity spread itself with. to claim you're european ought to mean you're in opposition to middle eastern systems of religion, like christianity, and in support of the political anarchy and master morality inherent in pagan european cultures, including those of early greece and rome.

so, if you're a christian in 2021 it's because you actually believe it, and i'm willing to dispense with much of any discourse on the topic - it's just a bunch of obvious bullshit, and you'd have to be an infantile buffoon to take it seriously at this stage in history. like, to even begin to contemplate it, you'd have to be a complete idiot.

somebody died to...what...? get out of here, you moron...

so, the reason i'm not a christian in 2021 is really the most simple one possible - christianity is daftly stupid. to it's core. and, there is no way to save it or any value in trying, or any worth in condemning it. it's so utterly nonsensical that it's not even worth the time debunking.

if you need something a little more than that, you can listen to bert speak, though.

hey, can i call you bert? no? fuck you, then.

see, here, he cites hannah arendt in his argument that the regime in iraq is "evil". is this a neo-con argument?

he was wrong.

but, few people understood him or can really, to this day, explain why he was wrong.

temporary full february, 2021 backup archive (not source material - to be permanently deleted when pdf uploads)

saturday, january 1, 2022

sunday, january 2, 2022

monday, january 3, 2022

tuesday, january 4, 2022

wednesday, january 5, 2022

thursday, january 6, 2022

friday, january 7, 2022

saturday, january 8, 2022

sunday, january 9, 2022

monday, january 10, 2022

tuesday, january 11, 2022

wednesday, january 12, 2022

thursday, january 13, 2022

friday, january 14, 2022

saturday, january 15, 2022

sunday, january 16, 2022

monday, january 17, 2022

tuesday, january 18, 2022

wednesday, january 19, 2022

thursday, january 20, 2022

friday, january 21, 2022

saturday, january 22, 2022

sunday, january 23, 2022

monday, january 24, 2022

tuesday, january 25, 2022

wednesday, january 26, 2022

thursday, january 27, 2022

friday, january 28, 2022

saturday, january 29, 2022

sunday, january 30 2022

monday, january 31, 2022

i'm still cleaning and finding an unexpected source of filth - underneath various table tops.

and, i'm wondering about that...

there's nothing underneath me now. but, all of this furniture was set up directly on top of the pot smoker, when i was in the apartment.

i'm pulling off layers of shit, and it's not clear to me exactly where it could possibly be coming from, except maybe that it's been sitting there the whole time.

if that's true, it's been there for 2.5 years. 

well, if that's true then i've found it, eventually, and gotten rid of it. let's hope it helps.

so, don't let them trick you into thinking this was about "german barbarism".

no.

nazism was strongly aligned with catholicism, and the most recent incarnation of roman imperialism. and, it was defeated yet again by the forces of german "barbarism", this time in strong alliance with the greeks, as it always is.

...and, as has been the case over and over again, the german cultural sphere, this time represented by british democracy, defeated it and wiped it out.

again.

the nazi state was in no way a historically german idea; it was, following napoleon, and perhaps preceding the european union, the most recent incarnation of the roman empire.

and, hitler was the emperor of it.

for all hitler's talk of aryan racial superiority, the man was culturally italian, through and through.

i've spoken a lot about this line between germans and romans in europe, but insofar as it relates to hitler, he was actually on the roman side of the divide. i tend to associate the germanic side with britain, not with germany.

i'm going to superimpose these ideas on to a map of occupied europe, to get the point across a little more clearly.

i know that that might be confusing if you don't know the history. i'm labeling the british german, the russians greek and the germans italian. what?

but, my narrative is about culture, it's not about race. and, in wwII, england was the embodiment of german anarchism, fighting in opposition to the italo-german roman reich. in fact, charlemagne's empire was roughly the same as hitler's, in terms of geography - and he fought against vikings, poles and anglo-saxons.

meanwhile in russia, the byzantine empire had turned into the soviet union.

this is just a quick note. i've actually written extensively on this. but, i hope it clarifies any confusion that might arrive by trying to interpret what i'm saying through the filter of ethnicity, which is a plague on the academy, but standard, nonetheless, nowadays

i initially ignored the kind of racist narrative in the documentary i just posted, because it's sort of a standard roman narrative to call everybody else backwards and barbaric; if you've read any roman history at all, you're just sort of used to the irony and have developed a habit of shrugging it off. you see these kinds of skewed narratives in church histories, as well.

at the end of the day, i'd rather be free than "civilized". so, if you're going to line these things up against each other, i'll choose the roman concept of barbarism over the roman concept of civilization in a second. sorry.

but, what actually happened over the next several centuries is that the german tribes slowly caught up (in contrast to the celtic tribes, which were slaughtered and eliminated). these pro-roman histories that lament the conflict that followed from the successful defeats of imperial rome in northern and central europe forget to remind you that roman victories did not mean integration, but genocide. i mean, it was always the romans that showed up to fight and slaughter, not the other way around - at least at first. so, to argue that the german defense against roman imperialism led to hitler (which is a strange argument, given that hitler was a catholic that was aligned with italy against russia, primarily), and this is a horrible thing, is actually kind of similar to the sort of argument that the nazis made, you're just forgetting that the romans were, actually, pretty much identical to the nazis, in the first place (and what the nazis largely modeled themselves after).

so, if the romans had won, there might have been peace....at the expense of yet another genocide. just add it to the list, right? it's kind of a shitty way to look at it when you're really cognizant of the truth of it. i'd rather flip it over - if the romans had been wiped out sooner, we wouldn't have had to deal with a thousand years worth of empire, and the nazis wouldn't have had an empire to emulate. 

but, the idea that the germans languished in backwardsness for the next 1000 years is completely wrong, and the only people that would honestly make that argument would be christians....and maybe muslims via christian sources, if they're so inclined to. as mentioned, what happened was that the germans caught up to the romans and eventually overtook and defeated them. this happened partly due to cultural diffusion, and largely due to the cultural decline in rome that took place after the adoption of christianity. but, it happened nonetheless.

these guys talk like 406 never happened, like rome was never sacked....

so, do i think these claims that charlemagne would not have existed if not for arminius are accurate? not at all. what was the first reich? the answer was the italo-german successor state of imperial rome, as started by charlemagne. charlemagne himself has overrun by vikings in a series of events that shadows the history. and, in the sense that there's a kernel of truth to it, that's not an alternate history with a happy ending - it's just an argument in favour of the widespread and frequent romanic genocides.

tactically speaking, there is much to be learned by indigenous peoples in studying the german defense of the rhine against imperial roman forces.

yeah, i've been in here less than an hour and i need the fan running, or i'm going to puke.

it's just filthy in here, and unresolvable...

yeah, i've been in here less than an hour and i need the fan running, or i'm going to puke.

it's just filthy in here, and unresolvable...

so, this is what i'm doing for the next few weeks until i catch up:

https://thejournalofj.blogspot.com/

and, i'll have to devise some process around regular postings.

i just want to get to sitting down at a desk typing rather than sitting in bed typing. it's just a question of normalizing the process of actually working....

but, now i'm tired and need a nap - after breathing in piles of shit while cleaning. i just blew my nose and it was full of dust particles. it just demonstrates the necessity of what i'm doing - and how dirty it is in this space.

i haven't posted any pictures of this place, but it could be considered a two bedroom apartment without an eat-in kitchen. i'm using the living room as a studio space (even if i haven't been using it except as storage) and i'm using the "second bedroom" as an eat-in kitchen, even if i've actually been eating in bed (because my 90s laptop got hacked by the cops). if you compare it to the space i was blogging in, i've kind of flipped the living room with the studio due to size restraints. i need three rooms - somewhere to sleep, somewhere to record and somewhere to eat - and this has that; the previous basement really had four rooms, plus a semi-connected den for smoking pot in once in a while. this is a substantively smaller space, but is functionally similar. and, that place was honestly a bit bigger of a space than i really need...

i wanted to finish cleaning in here before i stopped to eat or sleep that's taking far too long, so i'm going to make take my pills , take at least a nap and get back to it after.

i've decided that i want to try to reconstruct some kind of concept of normality in here, even if it's going to be a while.

so, i've moved the chrome book from the bed to the desk, i've got the tunes running through the receiver and i'm going to reboot directly into the alter-reality.

i'm trying to rewind here and remember what year is what. i'm pretty sure that mellon collie and the infinite sadness was released in grade 9, so that sets grade 9 to starting in the fall of 1995.

uni 3 - 02/03  <--- that is a reference point i'm certain is correct

uni 2- 01/02

uni 1-  00/01

13 - 99/00

12 - 98/99

11 - 97/98

10 - 96/97

9 - 95/96

8  - 94/95 -

7 - 93/94 - 

6 - 92/93 - 

5 - 91/92 -    

4 - 90/91 -   <----this is what i need to catch up to, and then stay caught up with. it's currently march, 1991 in the alter-reality.

3 - 89/90 - 

i wanted to start the alter-reality journal in the summer of 1989, because i switched schools to start grade 3.

the mechanism, in the end,  will be that i'll find the journal somewhere and scan it. but, for now i need to produce a portrait of the artist as a young trans woman, and work this out as it comes up.

i wanted to do this in 2019, but i got bogged down and i need to stop getting bogged down and get to fucking work.

what about the alter-reality?

well, i need to do something or other, yes. clearly...

let me think about this.

no, this is is silly and arbitrary.

let me just try and clean in here as much as i can and then actually get started on 2013 again once i've cleaned the place out.

i'm considering taking a different approach. i used to think the guy upstairs was just a disgusting idiot; i'm now convinced that he's a cop that is spying on me. so, what if i spend 10 hours a day cleaning in here for the next three months? what if i just lysol the walls every time he smokes?

if i'm right, and the fundamental problem is that i'm under surveillance, then this isn't passive, and essentially cutting off the action will have the effect of a boycott type action.

yeah, so i was going to do some rebuilding over late 2016 but then i remembered that i'd have to load up my youtube site and my word document at the same time. i can't just copy it out of the document, i have to regain a train of thought around it, and it's best to start from the beginning.

i slept all day; it's smoky in here, again. it's jut impossible to get your head around how absolutely disgusting these people are, or the absolutely terrible quality of life they must have. what's the point of living in such a degraded state, enslaved to the drugs like that? why bother existing as a useless zombie? just go kill yourself. fuck.

but, i'm going to want to hit a posting limit before i stop to clean and i'm going to do it by cross-referencing over 2019, like i was.

was lenin talking about his lobbyist buddies in new york banks?

this time, he starts off by talking about madisonian democracy and invokes the idea of organizational divide and conquer and then goes into his backwards bit about small business yet again. obliviously?  or, is there something else going on here?

madison would have gleefully propped up small businesses to break the power of unions.

dig the gar drop, though. GARRRRR!!!11!!!

i seem to have hit the limit for tonight already so i'll need to really stop to eat, now. and i guess i'll try to clean a little in here overnight.

maybe the type of music you like is produced by junkies and drugged-up buffoons.

but, it's not what the music i make is like.

check out the links, if you don't believe me - it's just too complicated for drugs, and i'd rather make nothing at all than find myself reduced to producing boring garbage for junkie retards.

marijuana makes people dumb.

i need the ability for clear and focused thinking, or i'm not into it. i'll ramble online, instead.

drugs have the tendency to convert intelligent, creative artists into blithering, retarded idiots.

i'm not doing that to myself - i'll wait it out.

the sanctity of the discography is too important.

why don't i do it like this, though...

i had a bunch of files put aside for rebuilding 2014-2017. if i post too fast, they'll shut me down for the night. so, if i post very fast, it will give me a down space to clean in, until i can rebuild this part of the apartment, at least.

yeah.

alright.

so, expect some rebuilding then.

when am i going to get past this? well, like i say - i can't work in the filth. so, it's up to the cop upstairs to stop smoking drugs in the house, or up to me to get to a more stable environment that is more conducive to creativity and abstract thinking, rather than this dirty space where i''m constantly tired and unfocused.

ok. i'm realizing the need for a rethink, here.

up until about september of last year, i was working on a series of liner notes for old records. i took what i hoped to be a minor break to work out a diet plan and found myself doing tons of research on it, to the point that i decided i wanted to write a book about it. when i first stopped for the diet project, i was also realizing the need to wait for the temperature to shift a little a little bit before i did a major cleaning operation in the basement. i was actually hoping to shift back into normal music production relatively quickly.

a few weeks ago, i started pulling back to consolidate the four blogs, as i started building up a text about the diet. and, then i wanted to build a text about the pandemic. and, i just keep pulling further and further back....

now, i want to build a text about the karen case, which would mean pulling back to mid 2018 and when i first moved in here.

and, if i'm going to do that then i need to do a round of serious archiving while i'm at it. is that actually worthwhile? should i go back to 2013?

if anything, the second-hand smoke in here has only gotten worse, so the cleaning seems pointless. but, now i have this messy pile of writing and i don't even know how to approach it. but, i need to refocus - and remember that i'm a musician first and foremost, and that i'm running out of existence to finish my discography in.

to be clear: this is all fundamental to the discography. but, i'm in a deep recursion and i'm realizing the need to break it.

i had just finished a major round of archiving in 2018, right? and i talked about wanting to do a round of archiving a last step before i got back to recording.

i can't seriously record in this basement, i can't think straight with all the drugs and pollution.

so, why don't i go back to see where i was. if i pick back up at a reasonable archiving point, i can start generating these subtexts as i archive, and kind of run it all off in one step.

...but, then, if i'm going to do that, why not rebuild first? yeah - that's right. i was going to rebuild first and then archive, which makes sense. but i needed to triple check the 2013 stuff, first.

shit.

ok.

let's go back to the start. and, let's hope it doesn't take too long.

that means:

1) cleaning down here as best i can. it's largely pointless - i'm living with a smoker and a drug addict. that's why i've stopped cleaning at all - there's no use in even vacuuming. it just stinks again five minutes later. but, i need to do a little bit, just to make setting some equipment back up feasible.

2) setting the pc back up with the laptop's hard drive was the simplest way that i was able to get a stable system, due to the apparent back door in the laptop that was allowing the cops to reboot the machine at will.

3) once i get the first reconstruction phase revamped - and finalized forever - i can rebuild and consolidate over 2014-2018.

4) then, i can archive over 2018-2021 while rebuilding these documents, and finishing the diet plan.

i actually don't think that'll take that long.

but i always say that.

it doesn't seem like there's going to be anything worthwhile to do this summer, and i'm not expecting to find myself frustrated the way i was last year, so i'd might as well get back to what i was doing.

right now, i'm going to stop to eat - and open the window to deal with the drugs from upstairs.