i'm unable to interpret children as anything more or less than a burden. it's not really a revulsion on the basic level, although i'll admit to being afraid that my clumsy nature may accidentally harm them, especially when very young, but just the premise of responsibility that i find incomprehensible. i may actually be taking the responsibility too seriously; i'm essentially interpreting parenting as the death of the individual, and there may be some exaggeration in that. but, even admitting as much, i just can't make room for this in my life.

we live finite existences that are far too short. and, while i understand that so many of us can't find anything to do at all, i'm constantly struggling with the futility of completion, and the certainty of running out of time.

i would be absent in spirit and in fact; absent-minded and absent-bodied. and, i wouldn't blame anybody for resenting me, a priori. i'd just hope that they can understand, in the end.

i hope that your kid ends up unemployed because of me.

why would you expect me to show up to an interview as male-identifying?

i've been female identifying for twenty years.

of course i'm going to wear makeup.

i don't even have male clothes...

wanna hire me for a few weeks?

i really just don't want a full time job.

Jason/Jessica Parent

Windsor, Ontario

Postal Code:

Phone:

death.to.koalas@gmail.com

ODSP

Post-Traumatic Stress & Social Anxiety Disorder & Gender Dysphoria                                                  February, 2013 - Present

• Moved to Windsor in Aug, 2013.

Carleton University                                                                                          September, 2008  -  May, 2013

Computer Science & Law (BSc / BA) & Mathematics (Masters)

• 19.5/20 credits in Computer Science. Did not pursue further due to lack of interest.
• 15/20 credits in Law. Did not pursue further due to lack of interest.
• Did not formally apply to graduate, after completing more than five credits in mathematics at the graduate level from 2003-2013.

R.A. Malatest and Associates                                                                                                               April, 2008 - July, 2008

Survey Interviewer (Outbound/Survey) and General Office Worker                          

• Outbound cold calling, both business and residential.
• Contacted diverse individuals by phone and asked them to complete surveys over the phone.
• Faxing, typing, data entry, spreadsheet, proofreading, general quality control.
• Applications Used: Microsoft Office (Word, Excel), Mozilla Firefox, Windows XP, Google Docs

Hewlett-Packard                                                                                                                             September, 2007 – March, 2008

Help Desk Agent for AT&T Employees (Inbound/Support)

• Network Troubleshooting: VPN, ISP, Wireless, 3G, Cellular, Global Network Client.
• Software Troubleshooting:  Windows, Office, Acrobat, McAfee, Outlook. 
• Acting Active Directory Administrator on AT&T machines.
• Orchestrated the deployment of local technicians to solve issues related to large network outages.
• Applications used: Internet Explorer, Office Outlook, Notepad, Jabber, AT&T Global Network Client.

 Microsoft                                                                                                                                         November, 2006 – August, 2007

Windows Vista Level 2 Technical Support Agent (Outbound/Support/Research/Supervisory)

• Researched and solved escalated issues relating to the installation and use of Windows Vista.
• Contacted users to help them implement the determined solution.
• Provided resulting information for inclusion into the Microsoft Knowledge Base.
• Took some inbound calls when irate customers demanded to speak to Level 2 Techs.
• Supervisory: Assigned newly escalated cases to other Level 2 agents, rescheduled and reassigned missed or tardy callbacks, compiled nightly statistical reports.
• Applications used: Microsoft CAP, Office Outlook, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Excel, Windows Live (Search, Messenger, Hotmail), Sysinternals Tools, Various Microsoft Tools, Windows Vista, Microsoft Knowledge Base.

 Compaq                                                                                                                                       September, 2006 – November, 2006

Level 1 Technical Support Representative (Inbound/Support)

• Logical hardware troubleshooting.
• Ordered replacements for malfunctioning parts.
• Some software troubleshooting.
• Applications used: Clarify, Internet Explorer, Citrix, HP Knowledge Base.

Carleton University                                                                                       September, 2000  - August, 2006

B. Mathematics (Honours)

• Took some semesters off.
• Was also enrolled as a physics student, an english student & a gender studies student.

so, i think i'm better off trying something like this...

- i've been on odsp since 2013 for ptsd & sad.
- i'm going to try working, to see if i can handle it
- i'm going to not be able to handle it. at all.

that could help with the renewal when it comes up, too.

i'm not being dishonest, i'm just helping the process along. there's no value in forcing me to flip burgers when i could be making art.

actually, i should get fired instead of quitting.

if i can't find anything before august 1st, i'll take a part time job - like 10-20 hours a week..

that should increase my monthly income to over $1500, making it hard for anybody to deny me of a $700-800 apartment.

then, once i sign a lease for september or october, i'll quit the job.

i have to play the stupid game, and i didn't write the stupid rules.

yeah.

i can solve equations you've never heard of; i can't drive a car.

i don't think that's unusual, amongst people that can solve these kinds of equations.

if i had gotten my license normally like the other kids around me, i think there's a relatively high chance i'd have killed somebody by now.

you still don't get it.

and, i'll state this again, if you didn't get it the first twenty times.

i do not believe that i'm psychologically capable of safely operating a motorized vehicle.

that's not why i don't have a license; i made a moral choice to keep my carbon footprint down, and decided against it.

there is no legal reason that i couldn't learn how to drive.

but, i have never driven a car before. seriously....

...and i think that this is in the best interests of everybody.

it's a non-issue; i can't drive. deal with it.

if i end up in another situation where i'm surrounded by drug addicts and drunks, i'm just going to get into another fight and sue the landlord and have to move.

and, it really shouldn't be so fucking difficult to find a drug-free place to live, regardless of income.

i actually want to live in a very conservative building, with a very conservative landlord. no smoking. no drinking. no drugs. no parties. no music after 10:00. etc.

if i want to go to a party, i want to go out somewhere. i don't want it in my living space; i want my living space to be quiet, clean and free of intoxicants. somewhere to retreat to, to relax in, to think in, to create in - not somewhere to get fucked up in.

i think i've been crystal clear about that.

if you're just cluing in now, you weren't paying attention.

her business model is obviously on the brink of failure; the tenants she wants don't exist. instead, we've got units sitting empty forever, and homeless shelters at capacity.

stupid.

so, you've got city council changing the laws to try and ease the market. what they really need to do is go after marda.

eventually...

....but, i only have three months.

...and it even seems like i'm the only person that even wants to.

somebody that's working full time is going to want a nice apartment, and there's more than enough supply. i'm not looking at nice units here, i'm looking at old dilapidated dumps. the whole point of moving here was that there was an oversupply of substandard housing at below market rent. so, then this dumb wench shows up and starts buying up old units and jacking up the rent, so they end up sitting empty. and, she keeps buying more and more up.

i have not seen this woman's assets, but i suspect she's sitting on a bubble and that things will crash here once it finally bursts.

there's not an actual shortage of low-income housing, here - there's a problem with a specific management company buying up old units and keeping low income people out of them.

to an extent, it's supply side economics - instead of adjusting the rent to the market, they're trying to create some kind of idealized tenant to adhere to the prices they pull out of their asses. then, they make stupid arguments about percentages of income - and, to the extent that they have a point, misunderstand that the problem is that they're charging too much in rent.

if you want to make these arguments, the proper deduction is that these units should come down 25-30% to meet my income, not that i can't afford to live in them - because i can.

and, that's the point, right?

these units sit forever, because they're looking for tenants that don't want to live in them - and rejecting tenants that do want to live in them.

if i actually did make $2000/month, i wouldn't be looking for a run down place for $750, i'd be looking to spend $1800 on a really nice apartment.

or, looking to buy property....

because what the fuck else am i going to spend $2000/month on?

i need space.

& i need a certain level of security.

the options she'll provide me are simply not good enough.

as it is, if i have to wait until october to find something, so be it.

but, what am i going to do? get this woman on the phone and lecture her for an hour on anarchism?

i'd probably have this sorted out by now, if she wasn't ruining the market.

it will be a cold day in hell before i buy a pair of jeans in a store...

so, i mean, you could write me a check for $30,000 and tell me to spend it on clothes, and i'd still go to the second-hand store.

i buy clothes second hand for moral reasons - i won't support the labour put into creating new clothes.

honestly.

i'm not exaggerating.

i'd end up buying greyhound tickets to go to concerts in toronto, or something.

i have no use for that kind of spending money.

it would be one thing if the only thing i could afford was a room.

but, i can easily afford a nice two bedroom apartment - and they're telling me they won't rent to me because i won't have enough pocket change to waste on beer and popcorn. and, it's no doubt a consequence of some stupid concept of hierarchy.

it's the stupidity of it that i'm constantly enraged by.

i'd no doubt end up spending the money on concerts and gear.

but, i wouldn't have anywhere to put the gear. so, what's the point?

the reality is that i'm perfectly content to spend up to 80% of my income on rent, because i don't know what else to spend it on, anyways.

there's no listings today, so i'm stuck thinking about this stupid property management company again, and it's just really frustrating that they're putting through these income screening checks.

let's imagine i take a small apartment for something like $600/month.

this would be my budget:

rent: $600
food: $200
estrogen: $20
internet: $30
laundry: $20
============
$870

ok.

but, my income is $1215.

that would leave me with $345 a month to spend on....what, exactly?

i don't smoke.
i don't drink.
i don't have a driver's license (and don't want a car).
i don't watch tv.
i don't want a cell phone.
i don't have or want kids.
i don't want to date.
i'd rather make my own meals, thank you.

should i start donating money to charity? sponsor a kid from africa?

i honestly wouldn't know what to do with that money. and, if i'm stuck in a 300 square foot apartment, i wouldn't have space to buy things, anyways.

i don't need more spending money, i'm fine as i am, i need somewhere to stay that's big enough to put my stuff in and safe enough to keep it in. and, they have places that are acceptable, but i don't pass the screening, so they won't call me.

see, and this doesn't help them, either, because they end up with units sitting empty.

it's just an all around stupid way to manage property - by enforcing frankly absurd assumptions, they're actively preventing people from renting spaces they'd be happy in.

at least i'm awake, now.

this move has been a disaster. i am not going to record a single note here...

,....but if i can at least get all the writing in order, i will have accomplished something.

that needs to be my goal, for the next however long it takes to get out of here.

nobody in canada cares about defending riga or talinn from red birds coming in from the east.

we took this position to make obama happy. but, obama is gone, and trump does not care. so, we should abandon them - and would if we had an indigenous voice.

the thing about the germans (and also the italians) is that you're kind of stuck with them if you want a serious defense pact with france. that region was in a perpetual civil war from the death of charlemagne until the death of hitler. if you want peace there, you need a reich.

but, this country has no historical attachment to either germany or italy, and so the defense pact is pragmatic rather than ideological - it's not because i care about germany or italy, but because i care about france.

then, you get a country like austria, which shouldn't really exist; it's literally the eastern march, the boundary. if it weren't for feudalism, it would have been in germany the whole time.

but, there's this gigantic cultural line that opens up through europe at this point, that really does open up into a historical east. there is absolutely no way that a western empire will hold countries like poland and slovakia, let alone latvia and lithuania, in the long run (although the balts are not the slavs).

we basically have the choice between losing a war, or withdrawing before we lose a war. and, we can overthrow the government in russia first, if we want - but we're still going to eventually lose a war, or withdraw before we do.

well, there's a third option, of course - ethnic cleansing.

but, we fought a world war to stop that.

i'm not interpreting trudeau's insistence on playing army in this way at all. i understand that this is more about chrystia freeland essentially being corrupted by her ukrainian nationalism - that our foreign policy has been taken over by a foreign agent, and trudeau is basically too ignorant to stop it.

so, this is really just base stupidity. again.

it's going to cost him a lot of votes, though.

i can support a mutual defense pact with the historical colonizers of north america, and am even interested in expanding it into south america.

so, that would be a pact that includes the us & canada, as well as france & britain, and potentially spain & most of latin america. you could throw in the dutch & the belgians.

but, i don't have any interest in fighting an imperialist war against the russians in eastern europe.

...or even in defending berlin.

sorry.

canada is ripe for a serious protest movement, that articulates the following political positions:

- skepticism towards nafta
- minimal involvement in nato (and other imperialist adventures)
- state secularism
- a rapid transition away from carbon
- public ownership of natural resources
- state subsidies for economic diversification
- a serious poverty reduction strategy
- a shift away from providing a safe haven for refugees and towards immigration as a way to fill labour shortages.

it's not going to come from the ndp.

they should ban high cbd strains, and only allow high thc varieties.

thc is fun. but, these cbd strains are going to create problems with laziness and lead to poor general productivity...

there's a lull right now, i won't pretend otherwise.

but i've learned that this is how this works: nothing comes up until the end of the month, then it either goes immediately, or it bleeds into the next month.

so, i won't see serious listings for august 1st until after july 16th.

for right now, it's been a struggle to stay awake all day because she is, once again, smoking directly under my bed. i'd move my bed, but she'll follow, so why bother?

i'll write your report for you. again.

i'm tired. sluggish. unproductive. broadly miserable. frustrated that the coffee isn't working. coughing. having difficulty focusing.

it's pretty much my worst nightmare.

who exactly is justin trudeau attempting to appeal to in extending a canadian mission to latvia?

canadians won't approve of such blatant militarism. the american administration isn't keen on it.

you would normally explain this kind of thing as unfortunate, but necessary. but, strangely, the dauphin seems to have a napoleonic streak, or something.

nobody voted for this.

it's starting to look like a bloodbath in 2019....

these people that rent rooms in their house, it's just...

how do you work through the contradiction of paying rent to be a part of the family?

maybe i'm overthinking this, but it's likely to get me a little loopy - even ignoring all the other factors that make it impossible.

is the property owner going to yell at you to make your bed and clean your room? do you share meals?

fucking weird.

if i get a very big settlement, i can start thinking about it.

the only thing i've ever been able to handle is sporadic entry-level call centre work because there's really very minimal face-to-face interaction. but, they'll take half of everything over $200. and, i simply don't think i'm getting anywhere by working a shift or two a week to hand it to a landlord.

i think i can find something if i keep looking.

that said...

what's out there for $900-1000 instead of $700-800? i dunno. really. but, i doubt it's that substantive.

the last time i had a job was the spring and summer of 2008.

i was working in a call centre doing surveys around the corner from my house. i actually kind of liked this, because it had very low travel time: i could leave five minutes before my shift started. the hours were also fairly relaxed. i really only needed 20-25 hours to pay rent, so i only had to work 2 or 3 days a week. this was a huge increase in freedom for me, after spending months trying to get to kanata to work 50 hour weeks in call centres (which i hated.).

i told them not to schedule me on july 1st, because i wouldn't show up. they scheduled me on july 1st. i did not show up. i got fired.

then, i went back to school in september.

i went to carleton for thirteen years and made exactly zero friends there.

think about that - and, tell me i can exist in the workforce.

i obviously can't...

even when i was in school, i ignored the other students like they had communicable diseases, and got into fights with the profs.

i just don't want to be around other people.

ever.

i'm a really, really, really bad worker.

deal with it.

i admit i haven't applied for a job since i moved here, but what's the point? i don't want one.

i'd be taking hours away from somebody else that needs them.

i'd show up angry, wishing i was somewhere else. i'd yell at the staff, get into arguments with management, and ultimately get fired.

i know this because it's what has happened over and over again.

and, if i can somehow force myself to behave, i'll do a shitty job.

forcing people to do things they don't want to doesn't benefit anybody.

With 10-per-cent annual turnover, Whittal expects it will take 10 years or more for almost all the units to become entirely smoke-free. 

it's a step forward, anyways.

i should get that info updated.

https://windsorstar.com/news/local-news/social-housing-starts-forbidding-smoking-in-units-with-little-protest

subsidized housing is probably not the right answer, because these old apartments are full of smokers - and the people that live there can hardly be thrown out.

an institutionalized setting, on the other hand, would be non-smoking, because it's a health facility.

what i really want is an apartment in an institution.

and, it doesn't have to be locked down, and it doesn't have to be isolated - it just has to be a building that is dedicated for disabled people.

i don't need a nurse, and i don't need a maid, and i don't need somebody to make me food. but, i need an acknowledgement that i can't exist in a market-based society, and a way to safely escape from it.

you can't place me in the spectrum for the reason that i'm not in it.

stop trying.

another terrible day in hell.

i could very well pass out. we'll find out.

in fact, if i do it, i'll charge both of them - the smoker below me and the smoker next door to me.

i don't have time.

but, if you force my hand...

i am absolutely willing to prosecute a smoker under nuisance laws.

are you going to argue that she's not endangering my health?

what year is it?

http://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/C-46/section-180.html

i don't have time to prosecute a nuisance charge. but, i'm collecting evidence in case i have to.

i will defend myself on free speech grounds, if attacked.

and, i will retaliate with a criminal nuisance charge, arguing that somebody that is wilfully blowing smoke into my air supply - despite being asked not to repeatedly - is negligently endangering m health.

i will not act first. i don't have time. i'm leaving as soon as possible.  but, i will retaliate accordingly.

i just had some cops show up and try to tell me there's no such thing as nuisance under the law.

the reality is that cops generally have no idea what the law says.

this is the great irony, right?

the tory establishment in canada just spent the last twenty years doing everything it could to get rid of the country's liberal traditions, to scatter it's voices, and to essentially convert the party into a "progressive conservative" party - even going so far as to win the son of the party's glory years over to the cause of red tory obama/clinton style moderate conservativism.

they finally get their stooge in place...

....and the republicans elect a liberal president.

now, they have no idea what to do, because all the liberals are gone, under the bus.

i repeat.

on the traditional canadian spectrum, donald trump is a liberal, and justin trudeau is not.

confused?

welcome to canada.

https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/yes-trump-is-the-liberal-republican-in-the-race

https://winteryknight.com/2016/05/12/fifteen-reasons-why-donald-trump-is-a-liberal/

if you want to see how donald trump will treat doug ford, look at how he treated chris christie.

i think maybe the issue is that so many people are interpreting trump through the filter of alec baldwin. they're getting this caricature of him, blurring reality with fiction and ultimately missing the point.

donald trump is not a conservative; doug ford is quite textbook. trump will instantly interpret doug ford as the complete idiot that he is, and treat him like it - because that's how donald trump has always treated conservatives, like idiots.

if you want a kindred spirit?

send chretien.

donald trump is the complete opposite of doug ford; he is, rather, the mirror image of jean chretien. and, he's ultimately not that dissimilar from trudeau's father, either.

in canada, he'd be a fucking liberal. and, the liberals are so lost in their worship of the democratic party under obama that they can't see their own reflection when placed right in front of them.

they're failing the mirror test.

this is utter stupidity.

to begin with, doug ford is the actual village idiot. he's both outrageously ignorant and legitimately an incredibly stupid person. trump is unread, and proud of it, but not an actual idiot. the difference between ford and trump is the difference between ignorance (trump) and stupidity (ford).

in that sense, it's like sending an angry chimp after a lion.

further, you're talking about sending the premier of a subnational state after what is theoretically the most powerful person in the world (trump is likely to end up dead , quickly, if he were to use that power). what leverage does doug ford have? is he going to sit on him?

so, this is utter stupidity. we need game theory, not football game theatrics.

but, we're in the era of stupidity...

https://www.thestar.com/opinion/contributors/2018/07/07/sick-doug-ford-on-donald-trump.html

i've mostly been sitting here since around 5:00 this morning, with the shower running almost non-stop, and the air is just only starting to clear out now.

remember..

nafta is

not
a
free
trade
agreement

i filled out an application, but i don't intend to move into that unit; it's far too small.

she's been blazing all day. again. gross.

i intend to get some work done tonight.

i don't care where the pot store is located; i'm not going to be in there very often.

my biggest concern, location wise, has always been access to downtown. i've wanted to be close to the downtown strip, and close to the tunnel - because that's how i get across.

i suppose that the tunnel is still going to often be the easiest way to cross, even after the bridge is built. it depends on where i'm going, right? and when i'm coming back.

the key thing about the bridge is that it means i won't have to wait anywhere any more - i can just bike through at 3:37 or whatever.

it's maybe the space between the bridge and the tunnel that is optimal, then. but, i should be a little less dismissive about sandwich. it might be boring as fuck for right now, but it will be nice when the bridge is built.

i'm going to take a walk around the block to see something, but it's surely far too small.

should i be looking more in the sandwich area?

there are a lot of buildings there, but i've been resisting it - it's too far from downtown, and this thing is never going to get done...

...or is it?

when this gets built, it will be my way over. there's a bike lane. i'll want to be close to it. but, if it takes another ten years...

hrmmn.

maybe i'll make some calls to see places in the area on monday.

https://windsorstar.com/news/local-news/bridging-north-america-will-build-gordie-howe-international-bridge

i was again knocked out cold by the pot this morning.

i'm 60% asleep...barely awake...what a sad excuse for an existence...

no new listings to take note of, just the big apartment buildings. i'm going to have to start a deeper search on monday, i think. that's how i got my spot in 2013 - i found something that was only listed at an obscure site.

i'm going to try to get some work done tonight, but i suspect i may end up sleeping all night.

i have no intentions of doing any partying at all, whatsoever, until i get this sorted out. life is not about the time you spend partying, it's about what happens in between.

under the misguided influence of foucault's vulgar burkeanism, will "progressives" seek to turn back the clocks on the sexual revolution? is that their backwards idea of"progress"?

perhaps.

were they ever in favour of it in the first place?

perhaps not.

i'm old enough to remember "progressives" being loudly opposed to abortion, and liberals pushing back hard on it. "progressives" have generally opposed queer rights, as well, arguing that it's a mental illness. "progressives" are generally religious, whereas liberals are generally secular. sexual freedom has generally been a strong differing point; "progressives" have had a hard time squaring their religious piety, which is otherwise so often aligned with liberalism, with secular values on sexuality. they've even tended to support eugenics, as a means to "purify" the race of "sexual deviance" - and they call that "progress".

and, this is why the liberals win elections and the ndp doesn't - because canada is not a nation of puritans like the united states is.

so, this is a point where liberals need to be clear that they are not the same thing as "progressives". and, they will face severe electoral consequence if they campaign as puritanical progressives, which they have been broadcasting so loudly.

we just saw kathleen wynne make that mistake on pot.

trudeau is in danger of making it on a strain of conservative feminism that most canadians simply do not believe in.

this captcha system that kijiji uses is impossibly ambiguous.

when they ask for street signs, do they mean just the sign? the pole? specific types of signage?

when they ask for cars, do they mean buses? trucks? vans?

it's just fucking annoying.

where does the compliant worker get her mind-numbing drugs from?

the state.

and, who tells her it is "cool" to get stoned, and non drug users are "uncool"?

the corporate media.

do you get it? because orwell got it, and huxley got it, and bakunin got it and...

i mean, you'll note that it's the employed worker that is the pothead, and the unemployed anarchist that isn't - and you'll note what the drugs are doing to this employed workers' revolutionary potential, as they likewise harm the productivity of the unemployed anarchist.

the pothead worker doesn't want to start a revolution; what the pothead worker wants is for the unemployed anarchist to get a job.

this is not some accident, it's by design. and, it's what everybody on the left (except marx.) has always seen as patently obvious.

my position has been clear for years: i reject schedules.

i don't want to live on a 24-hour clock.

some days, i want to go to sleep at 5:30 am; other days, i want to wake up at 5:30 am. and, if we can't be free to set our own schedules, what does freedom mean? is that not the definition of freedom?

so, if somebody is infringing on this ability (be they a boss, or a pothead), are they not restricting your freedom, by definition?

these are actually very basic left-wing arguments; this is not a conservative viewpoint. i'm appealing to ideas of autonomy and self-ownership, and i'm attacking those that would restrict peoples' freedom by enforcing their habits on others. that's the very centre of left-wing thought.

there's a reason why all of the dystopian literature places drug use as a central component of statist mind control. what i'm typing here should not be surprising; i'm really just living through something that every single leftist 20th century visionary saw coming from a great distance away.

waking up stoned on a saturday morning from your neighbours' early morning second-hand smoke is pretty awful. it's just kind of like "i just slept. i shouldn't be tired. that's why i slept. what's the point of sleeping, if you're just going to wake up tired?".

ugh.

i need to be up early until i can find something else, but i won't start calling until after 9:00.

because i'm a fucking polite canadian.

the tobacco has again picked up as a major problem over the last 48 hours - since i got back. i had to wash my hair this afternoon to get it out. and, right now, it's legitimately difficult to breathe in here.

she's just making her own life more difficult. i'll be gone soon, but of course the landlord is going to go after her for whatever money i get paid out. and, they should - this is really all her fault. she should be liable for every cent of this.

and, this unit is going to have a high turnover, so long as she's here...

like i say: at some point, it's going to click with the owner, and they're going to throw her out. all she ever had to do was walk downstairs...

*shrug*.

i'm getting back to work right now.

so, let's say you're a relatively well built young man of some renown and you're at a music festival on your leisure time.

and, let's say that there's a reporter there. you think she's working for a community paper.

you're trying to have a good time, but she keeps sticking a microphone in your face and asking you questions. so, you literally pick her up by her waist, throw her over your shoulder and transport her away from you, where she can't bother you.

it turns out she's a national reporter, and writes a scathing column, accusing you of "groping" and "inappropriately handling" her. so, you apologize, without really meaning it. and everybody moves on.

is that a terrible thing? why not just be clear about it?

i'm not saying that's exactly what happened. i'm saying that that's what i'm imagining happened - and that i'm not sure what else "inappropriately handled" could mean, if not "physically redirected away from bothering him".

i guess we'll all have to use our imaginations until some facts are released.

the important part of the equation is not whether a young dauphin made an advance at a music festival. most canadians will allow for this behaviour.

the important part of the equation is whether the dauphin stopped when it was made clear that the advance was unwanted. most canadians agree that no means no.

i don't think most people want to live in a society where we need to draw up a contract before you try and hold somebody's hand, or give somebody a kiss - and that means people are going to get it wrong sometimes. i don't think that most people believe that people should lose their lives over getting it wrong, when they do.

and, it should be liberals making these arguments.

see, this is why i think he needs to come out and give a full account of the events - because it doesn't necessarily have to be binary, and it is in fact possible that he simultaneously "groped" her and doesn't feel it was inappropriate.

like everybody else, i have no information, and am left to fill in the blanks. it's that process of filling in the blanks that is so potentially deadly, as everybody is going to imagine it their own way. and, trust me: most women won't imagine something benign.

he really needs to take control of a narrative...

the way i've imagined it from the scant information i've seen suggests that he grabbed a reporter and pushed her out of the way. and, there are certainly contexts - a day at a festival being one of them - where i would think that kind of behaviour is permissible, while others would think of it as outrageous. the reason is that i'm not a puritan: i don't forbid all not-explicitly-consented-to contact between the sexes a priori, or even ban all sexual advances offhand. there's a tremendous grey area here that we need to re-establish if we want to continue living in a secular, liberal society. i want to hear liberals stand up for that grey area...

which isn't to say that i think this is what happened. as mentioned, it seems to me that what happened was that trudeau didn't want to be interviewed right then and there. but, i'm not going to stand up and denounce all not-explicitly-consented-to-in-advance activities, either, because i don't want to live in that kind of a society.

and, i frankly think that most people don't, either - that trudeau has a lot of potential for forgiveness and sympathy, if he'd just be fucking honest about it, and not make it seem like he's trying to hide something.

https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/andrew-coyne-did-he-or-didnt-he-trudeau-needs-to-start-making-sense

fwiw, she is of course still smoking inside.

my lease is cut. i will determine whether i am going to file a human rights complaint or not depending on the ruling i get. documentation, moving forward, is not particularly worthwhile.

what i'll say is this: the situation is not different than it was previously, and there is no reason to think it will change, moving forwards, unless the property managers react to the settlement by attempting to evict her. so, the assumption should be that i'll be dealing with this pretty much constantly until i leave, unless i state otherwise.

there's this idea of connecting birth to water, but it's probably fairly recent.

if you really want to be a hippie, you should probably give birth in a tree.

is it not the case that most quad-peds are able to stand up almost immediately at birth?

maybe the truth is that our ancestors retreated to the canopy upon pregnancy, and spent much of the gestation process, including birth,up there. perhaps that is the reason that our babies crawl for the first months of their lives...

i'm left to wonder if allowing young children the opportunity to climb, rather than crawl, may have some psychological benefits.

https://www.ctvnews.ca/sci-tech/study-shows-ancient-ancestors-climbed-trees-also-walked-on-two-legs-1.4001441

i didn't really sleep this week, as i had a lot of video editing and journal compiling to do. i tried to get up around midnight, but i really actually mostly just slept for the last 12+ hours - a needed and very much wanted sleep. i'm up now and ready to start a new day...

the temperature fell sharply over night and it's actually quite nice, right now. i like the heat & humidity, but i was developing a mild rash from exposure to it and did need a bit of a break from it. it's actually going to be a bit cold this weekend, and balance out to "seasonal" again for next week.

today, i need to look at listings. tonight, i'm going to clean a little. i'm going to have more flexibility this month, at least until the ruling comes in the mail, but the basic situation hasn't changed - i still need to save money to plan for the move.

the lease is done on sept 30th, so i need to be out by october 1st at the latest. i'm confident that i can do this, and that it should prevent me from needing to compromise too badly - i think this should be enough time to get what i want.

i think my arguments went over well, but it's not clear what kind of damages i'm going to get. i think i probably got moving costs, or some abstraction of it. i'm not going to get cleaning costs, but i might get an abstraction of it in pro-ration. i don't expect costs for furniture or dry-cleaning - and knew that would be almost impossible to get. that was meant almost solely as leverage for mediation; i didn't actually intend to go to trial.

the big wildcard is that pro-ration. if i'm here for ten months, that's $7000 paid in rent. i asked the court to determine a percentage, because i claimed i couldn't quantify that kind of hardship - but what i was really worried about was lowballing myself. i would have asked for something in the 10%-25% range. but, i know this judge is very sympathetic to non-smokers. if i asked for 60% and that was too much, she could have kibboshed it; if i asked for 25%, i could have been missing out on an opportunity for 40%. so, i instead left it at the court's discretion to determine a percentage - under the expectation that such a percentage is going to be higher than any guess i could have made. it's a sneaky algorithm to optimize my return. 30% is over $2000; 10% is a month's worth of rent. but, it relies on the judge not seeing through my ruse - or at least being sympathetic to it. i mean, i volunteer that it's manipulative, sure, but it's not so terrible, is it? is the judge not best qualified to figure this out? am i not putting myself at a threat of lowballing myself by presenting a percentage, or harming myself by appearing too greedy?

we'll know in a few weeks.

for now, i'm glad that there's some certainty about things...and eager to get things back in order.

the time spent preparing was not wasted: i've now sorted through vlog data from most of the last six months, which i needed to do anyways. i should be back to rebuilding from 2014 on within 24 hours.

last update for the smoke journal: she seems to have mostly smoked outside over the last two or three days, but she’s back at it on the 4th of july like the self-centred american that she is.  it nearly knocked me out this morning, but i was able to overpower it with willpower. can’t be sleeping right now...need to get this in order....

so, what have i been doing?

this is the list for the court case on thursday:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3JSjmqp0cbvN7RpHG7gw52ARfWLhWtQd

i'm actually intending on playing this in court on thursday. or, some of it, anyways. it will start publishing, slowly, at midnight. i'll bring speakers with me.

i'm expecting to work this out in mediation - just give me moving costs plus something else -  but if it goes to trial it's going to be a long process. i essentially have to demonstrate how terrible my tenancy here has been, which means dragging the court through hours of painful vlogging.

it's not totally done, yet, but i'm going to have to stop at 2:00. i'll also need to print the journal tomorrow, which means i'll have to have it ready to print for the morning, along with whatever else

i'm going to set up a livestream for the front door in here on thursday, streaming to a site somewhere. and, i'll make sure to send anybody involved in any illegal evictions to jail, if necessary. i have no patience for that kind of idiocy.

the most important thing to me is my data, and i'll bring it with me. i have everything on video; i might be better off with a $50,000 settlement that i can use to rebuild. well, don't illegally evict people, then.

some stuff is starting to come up for august, but i've already run into the expected mindset on the phone: "that's not for more than three weeks.". this place is bonkers. but, i'll start looking much more seriously on friday.

given that i won't get a response until the end of next week, i wouldn't expect the court to issue an eviction date for august 1st. september 1st is most likely. but, the truth is that i won't know if i need to compromise or not until the last minute - which is just typical of how this place operates. you really wouldn't expect anything else.

i have found some acceptable spots, they just didn't work for a number of reasons - i didn't have the deposit available, i wasn't a student & an apparent relisting under a higher price with a company i'm boycotting for using illegal screening practices.

i'm due for some good luck.

i'll be quiet here until thursday, i'm sure.

i do not and never have used twitter; i do not have an active twitter account.

i don't have an instagram account or a snapchat account, either. and i don't use facebook in any substantive way.

i'm 37 years old.

i graduated from university in 2006. i essentially finished a second degree in 2010. and, i dropped out of a third one in 2013.

i have not been in a classroom since, and have no intention of going back to one. nor would there be any purpose in sending me back to school at this age, and with this mindset. i've completely lost interest in formal education.

i'm not a "student". and i don't seek student accommodations.

i'm an adult on disability, and i will be  an adult on disability for the rest of my life. what i seek are accommodations that are appropriate for the circumstances - accommodations for a mentally ill adult that is permanently incapable of labour and requires that their needs be met by the state.

so, it seems like everybody's gone today, and it's giving me a taste of what this place could be like.

i've got the sun beaming in through huge bay windows, a nice breeze coming through and a couple of large trees outside the window, overlooking a yard with kids and dogs.

no smokers.

no potheads.

no bbqs.

no bad music - no music at all.

no drunks.

no idiots.

just something rather peaceful, and something rather clean, and something rather healthy.

the weather is quite beautiful today.

i'm sure the fuckers will be back in their usual places within a few hours, and immediately commence ruining everything. but, this reprieve is demonstrating how disappointing the scenario really is - and how wonderful it could actually be.

friendship and love are both impossible abstractions in a capitalist economy.

what we call "friendship" under capitalism is a process of mutual exploitation.

as such, "friends" are merely people that have yet to stab you in the back.

i also want to find a clean & healthy place to live that is big enough for me to finish my discography in, and don't think my choice of messaging hardware or software is an intelligent screening mechanism for a large corporation to use.

but, it's been a long time since i've been shocked or surprised by the ubiquity of human stupidity.

i've tried very hard to construct a media footprint that is directed at outcasts and loners and introverts and nerds, and i've gone to the point of destroying accounts when i've generated more typical followers, which i've never wanted.

i want to be a hero for nerds and losers. i want to be despised by the mainstream. i want an over 40 audience that thinks young people are insane. i want to be out of touch.

sorry.

but, i mean...

i've been trying to explain to you that i'm a loser for years - that i'm a nerd, a musician, a loner, a bookworm. that i'm fucking proud of being a loser, and that i wouldn't have it any other way.

then, you're surprised and shocked when you realize i was right the whole time?

the confusing and shocking thing is that you didn't just believe me in the fucking first place. and, you have no basis for any negative reaction to what was right in front of you the whole time.

and, i'm sorry but "sexting" is the most pathetically stupid thing that humans have ever lowered themselves to engage in.

it's about as cool as usenet porn.

i'm the kind of person that signed myself into icq and msn as "away", and disabled chatting over facebook.

but, see, this is why i don't pay for phone service: if i had a phone connected to an sms server, i would either disable the feature or turn the phone off. i legitimately do not see the use-value of owning a phone when you can have a laptop; but, i actively do not want to be texted at. so, why pay for something i don't want?

but, like, don't think i'm missing out on something. i don't have the slightest interest. sorry. if i did, i'd figure it out. i'm sure there's some way to text via browser. i mean, you can basically do that over facebook, right? but, i've disabled it. because i don't want to be annoyed by it...

i'm a cusp baby, but i'm very gen x in this sense, where a lot of people older than me aren't: i don't want to be constantly connected to the people around me. i want privacy. i want to disconnect; i remember when you had to dial in, i remember when you could disconnect. i would actually find the premise of being awoken by a text message to be deeply invasive. so, interpret this as a generation gap, because that's what it actually is.

if i had a partner trying to contact me by phone, i'm the type that would tell them i'm busy and turn my phone off. and then probably no longer have that partner - but not be upset, because i don't want somebody bothering me every ten minutes when i'm trying to fucking read.

i've made myself difficult to contact in real time precisely because i don't want to be contacted in real time. i want to make a plan ahead of time. and, when i don't want to be disturbed, i really mean it.

in actuality, and i want you to think about this carefully, the truth is that if you were a member of the orthodox church - greek, russian....syrian..... - you would not just interpret russian hegemony over the middle east as acceptable, but would actually see it as quite proper.

remember: the russians are the last successor state of the roman empire that is still truly left standing.

so, i crashed around 2:00, meaning yesterday was about 20 hours - far too short, for this time of year.

i should be enjoying nice, long 36 hour days in this kind of heat. and i shouldn't be sleeping for ridiculously long lengths like 7 hours - i should be wide awake after three or four.

the stench of pot was weaker than usual but steady last night. even after seven hours of sleep, i'm not 100%, right now.

as mentioned: i'm not partying this weekend. i don't feel like there's much to celebrate, right now. that might let me steal something when everybody else is too stoned to notice.

that gets me through january 2014.

i think i can get through the summer by sunrise. honestly.

right now, it's time to eat, again.

the idea would be that the merovingians were probably late central european romanised celts that ended up at the top of what was a multi-ethnic confederacy, and that any identification with belgian groups would be reconstructive.

http://dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja.blogspot.com/2014_01_29_archive.html

marijuana is not a medicine, and it is not used to treat symptoms, whatever those symptoms are.

rather, it's a recreational drug that is used in social situations in order to have a good time with.

i'm just not feeling up to going out this weekend at all. i've actually been over this before, but i guess i get the opportunity to demonstrate it, now.

a lot of people would say something like "you're having a shitty weekend, so, relax and smoke a joint - it will make you feel better.". no. if i go out for beers on saturday, or i find drugs this weekend more generally, it's just going to make me more depressed. it's not going to make me feel better. i know that.

drugs can work alright with stress, sometimes. but, that's different. that's "i'm feeling like i need to take a load off and forget about things for a few hours". fine. it usually works best with music or dancing - it's a process of getting away.

but, when i'm actually angry or frustrated or upset about something, drugs are just going to make the situation worse, and the absolute last thing i want.

what i want right now is cold sobriety and absolute social avoidance. i'll go out and have fun again when i feel more like myself.

i seem to have been right about the hydro, though.

i mean, you might imagine that if only i was in a house with othe people like me i would...

no.

i'd lock myself in my room all the time.

i don't like people. at all. sorry.

there are some people that are well-behaved, and there are some people that are rebellious.

then, there's people like me that can't figure out which is which.

what i really need is an apartment in a controlled space.

i would be a strong candidate for an asylum.

i've failed the government's behavioural test three times, and i have no idea why i failed or what the right answer are.

"well, you worked in the past"

yeah.

and out of the thirty jobs i've held, i've been fired from or quit 25 of them, mostly after less than a month.

why? because i can't get along with anybody.

there are two reasons i can't move into a rooming house.

the first is that i cannot fit my gear into a rooming house. you might tell me to sell  my gear; well, fuck you. but, i'll even give you that - suppose i didn't have any gear...

suppose i could actually fit all my things into a room.

the more important reason that i can't move into a rooming house is that i have social anxiety disorder. that means that simple conflicts that most people can easily deal with are giant problems for me. i am simply incapable of dealing with people on the level of living with them.

i would not want to spend time with the people in a rooming house - i would be in a conflict with the whole house within hours.

that is the same reason i can't work - i can't get along with anyone. i'm never going to get along with anyone. i don't even want to get along with people...i want a safe, private space where i don't have to deal with anybody.

and the fact is that i'm going to keep looking until i can find one - and make everybody else suffer the consequences of slowing me down.

Notice to Appear in Court on July 5^th, After All

On the morning of June 8^th, 2018, I called Ina to explain that the results of the previous election had thrust me into a state of deep financial uncertainty, and I would be unable to continue with plans to move out of this unhealthy space until some certainty was restored around my income. I indicated that I would have a letter ready on the morning of the 11^th.

Due to the debilitating effects of massive second-hand marijuana smoke from the tenant downstairs, which is generally intolerable from ~5:00 am until ~noon, I was unable to get out of bed to print this document on the morning of the 11^th. When Ina knocked on my door around 10:00, I had been knocked out cold from a haze of second-hand smoke all morning. However, I was able to finally sober up enough to get out of bed and print the letter a little after 11:00. I gave the letter to Ina a little later that afternoon.

In that letter, I explained the necessity of waiting for a response from the government before further action could be taken, and that I would not be seeking to follow through with the open hearing.

However, since then, the situation has only become less tolerable; I cannot stay here any longer than I must. The constant drug abuse happening downstairs is making me constantly lethargic. I’m drinking coffee like water, and still suffering through short days - sleeping 15 hours at a time, and dragging myself with difficulty through what limited consciousness I can muster.

My art projects are suffering dramatically, because I can’t stay awake to work on them.

My letter was sincere, but it was not technically a legal document. The hearing has remained open the whole time, and I have decided as of this week that I will be presenting my case in full, as initially intended, after all.

The adjudicator will need to determine an end date for the lease, along with any damages due to negligence that I am entitled to. I do not currently have any firm plans to move on August 1^st, but I will be actively exploring the market over the next few days. Given the circumstance of needing to find a smoke-free place to live, or repeat this process a third time, I plan to ask her to allow for a month-to-month tenancy until I am able to plan a move.

I will be presenting video evidence at the trial.  This evidence will be presented to you on the dayof the hearting, but will also be available at the following url, no earlier than july 4^th at midnight, and no later than july 4^th at noon: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3JSjmqp0cbvN7RpHG7gw52ARfWLhWtQd

The description of that youtube playlist will also contain a link to a detailed written journal, at some point on july 4th.

dated: june 29^th, 2018

printed: june 29^th, 2018.

tenant: jason parent

Statement Explaining the Decision to Take Back My Rent Deposit For July

I will remind you that you asked me to leave the unit by June 27^th and threatened court action over it, so you have no grounds to ask for notice when I do leave. As far as I am concerned, this tenancy is irreparably broken, and it is in the interests of both parties to have me vacate the unit as soon as is possible.

The remaining questions revolve around what the definition of “possible” is.

I will be using my last month’s rent for July of 2018, but this is not a notice of evacuation - I am explicitly not committing to an evacuation date of August 1^st, and am explicitly suggesting that there is a reasonably high possibility I may be here past August 1^st. However, I am committing to the hope that i can find a way out of this mess by August 1^st, and you should consequently interpret me taking this unilateral action as a statement of good faith to end this tenancy as quickly as possible.

While I had indicated previously that the election has created great uncertainty around my income, I do not believe that I can tolerate the smoke long enough to wait for an official government response. I have to take this gamble; I need out, it’s just intolerable. Another victory for casino capitalism, I guess. Please see the second letter for a more detailed explanation of this change of plans.

I do not have a history of missing rent payments, and this is not a reaction to financial hardship on my behalf - as of the morning of June 30^th, there’s over $1800 in my account, which is more than enough to pay $700 of rent on July 1^st. I’m suing you because I don’t like living through the consequences of my neighbours’ drug abuse; I don’t have a drug or alcohol problem. I quit smoking cigarettes habitually 2.5 years ago. I don’t have a gambling problem. Further, I do not want to harm my already somewhat shaky credit rating (due to a large defaulted student loan), and have every intent to continue to pay rent month-month for as long as it takes to end my tenancy.

The problem is not that i’m an irresponsible tenant, but that i’m too responsible of a tenant to live in this building.

The reasons that I’m taking back my last month’s rent are twofold:

1) The market in windsor is currently being driven by immediate vacancy. I can only speculate as to the reasons underlying this. Perhaps people are abandoning units at high rates; perhaps people are being evicted at high rates. Perhaps landlords are just being lazy. Or, perhaps, the market is currently overvalued. There were still units for July 1^st coming up on the morning of June 27^th. What I can state with certainty is that I lost several opportunities to move out on July 1^st because I was not able to secure a commitment from Ina that I would receive my deposit back upon request. I need to have this deposit at my immediate disposal in order to maximize my chances of signing a lease for august 1^st on short notice. It’s just a realistic reaction to market conditions - and, as mentioned, you should actually take it as an act of good faith.

2) Ina has indicated that she will not be co-operating with me further. I have no choice but to act unilaterally in the face of non-cooperation by the landlord (in contravention of the tenancy act, fwiw).

I understand that I am breaking the rules, here. But, it is in reaction to your own decision to break the rules, and in reaction to a general disinterest in this city to follow the rules. By continuing to follow this rule, I would be placing myself at a disadvantage on the market - and extending this nightmare for everybody involved. I will remind you that only the board can evict a tenant, and acknowledge you are in your rights to seek legal action to this end. But, I will likewise promise you  prompt payment of rent on the first of the month for as long as I remain stuck here past august 1^st - and question what the value of action on your behalf would actually be.

Also note that last month’s rent deposit is not intended to be held for possible damages to the unit. That said, note that I will not be seeking my $25 deposit back - and that I don’t believe that damages to the unit (which should be little more than a paint job) should substantively exceed that amount.

This is an absurd situation for everybody, but you need to take a large amount of responsibility for it, yourself. I’m sorry it’s come to it, but I need to do everything in my ability to position myself to move to a healthier space, and I will make these same arguments at the tribunal, if you insist that I must.

dated: june 27th, 2018

printed: june 29th, 2018

tenant: jason parent

well, i got my letters printed.

strangely, the place i went to look at yesterday just got relisted with a terrible management company that is using an illegal rent-to-income percentage process (and basically wouldn't let me rent more than a room), at a higher price that is just out of my ability to pay, anyways.

that's a shame - i thought i had a way out, there.

back to the drawing board.

so, they filed an l2 after all.

i guess that the landlord thought she had to wait until the 27th; she could have filed it the day of.

i expect to beat the l2 if i have to fight it - they lied on the forms. but, i don't want to reschedule my t2/t6 after their l2, regardless of the outcome.

what that means is that i have to carry through with the court process on thursday, because i want my court date first. so, i might as well print the letters this afternoon.

this is going to put me in a tricky situation of potentially having the tenancy cancelled august 1st, without being ready to move on that date. so, this is a gamble. it would be an awful judge, however, that would order an eviction within weeks of the court date...i would expect her to set the date for either september or october.

give that there's an l2, they are not likely to consent to a rescheduling. so, i'd have to cancel and resubmit.

they should have waited until after the 5th. that's an error on their behalf.

so, this page is now filled in from the time i got to windsor until the beginning of 2014.

i finished archiving my link dump in early 2014, which was mostly spent on music, and on youtube debates. again: i don't expect this to be all that lengthy. i hope to get a lot done this weekend.

nothing up this morning. no response from the agent from yesterday. i need to make some calls and eat.

i'm square as fuck.

and, fuck you if you don't like it.

when you hear the line "it's not up to me to educate you", it's a red flag that that person is a troll and just hanging around looking to get into a fight.

education is the entire purpose of activism. if you're not there to educate, what are you doing, exactly?

an accuser does not have the right to remain silent, or the right to remain anonymous - an accuser has the obligation to identify themselves, and the burden of proof to demonstrate their case.

an accused does not have the obligation to explain themselves, or to disprove the allegations against them out of court - an accused has the right to remain silent, and the opportunity to disprove the accusations, as they come forward. an accused is presumed innocent until proven guilty.

and, what is that called?

that's called liberalism.

will the prime minister take a stand and be a fucking liberal for once?

again: trudeau should not be afraid to appear hypocritical, here.

he's going to isolate far more potential voters by holding to some post-modernist claptrap that his in-the-wrong-party advisors learned in a pseudo-scientific sociology course than he is going to by swallowing his own foot and standing up for the principles of his own party - which are also the principles of the country, and even the principles of the culture.

"she has the right to remain silent".

this is a good example of the kind of backwards legal logic that you get out of screwy post-modernist thinking.

the right to remain silent is something that people are afforded when they are accused of a crime, so as to not incriminate themselves. further, it is a fundamental principle of justice in the british legal system that an accused be able to face their accuser - and, yes, this is exactly the situation that produces a clear reason that this rule exists.

you can run off foucault all day if you want, but in our legal system that actually exists, it is the accuser who must identify herself and the accused that has the right to remain silent.

academically. this idea forms the crux of what lawyers refer to as liberalism.

and, it would be nice to hear the leader of the liberal party stand up for what should be his own principles, in calling for his accuser to identify herself publicly, and press charges in a court of law if she feels compelled to do so - while standing up for his own right to remain silent, should he choose to do so.

if you would like to live in a society where people can make anonymous accusations against public figures with impunity, which those public figures are then forced to respond publicly to, i might suggest moving to china.

https://www.thestar.com/opinion/star-columnists/2018/06/28/on-groping-allegation-trudeau-ducks-the-rules-he-set.html

i have to brace myself for the reality that i'm probably going to get overwhelmed repeatedly and spend more time sleeping this weekend than i'd like. it's going to simply be disgusting in here.

but, right now the steam is working relatively well in cleansing the air of whatever the fuck it is that she's smoking.

the down side is that i'm sopping in sweat in my bed, but at least i'm wide awake and not wasting the night away sleeping...

http://dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja.blogspot.com/2013/12/we-need-less-anarchist-writing-by.html

what if it's the drug addict below me that is moving out?

i don't know if the situation is salvageable. it would be a step in the right direction.

four rooms is actually a little better, as it lets me have the following:

1) studio
2) bedroom
3) eating space
4) library (+ cd library)

in the last space, i was planning around building book shelves in the bedroom & cd shelves in the eating space. i was planning on putting all of the shelving, here, in the bedroom.

the four rooms are all smallish, but it will work out fine if you keep that in mind...

and, while i don't smoke a lot of pot, it would be nice to have a patio space out back for once in a while :)

don't misunderstand me. the place is kind of dilapidated. creaky. old. i'm sure there are various things living in it. the bath tub is ancient. the water might not be great. it may be drafty. and, everything about it will require some effort.

but, what i need is a relatively big smoke-free space at a price i can afford, and that is this.

yeah.

i'm not leaving the apartment unattended all day, and advertising it to them. i'm not even sure they'll obey a court ruling.

i'll play the angle that i gave them previous notice of cancelling the hearing, and am consequently giving them the opportunity to reschedule this case or force me to open a new one. and, i'll put in a request to reschedule without them, either way.

the worst thing that could happen would be for the judge to end the lease on the first of august, but

1) i can appeal that &
2) i hope to be out by the first, anyways.

it will also allow me to present more concrete moving costs. i did this backwards last time: i moved a bunch of stuff by truck, and the rest by hand. we'll do this the other way this time.

if i have sufficient time to do it in, and the distance is short enough, it will only be a couple of items i won't be able to move by hand: a couch, a dresser, a desk. i could maybe even put up an ad on kijiji for somebody with a truck, looking for a good deed. or, maybe a moving company will accept the sob story and do it on their lunch break: it will probably literally take 20 minutes.

i think the guy over-charged me last time, because he sent the bill to the city. maybe he'll be willing to balance it out...

it's the moving costs i'm trying the hardest to recoup.

my landlord just put a unit in this building up.

there's furniture that is not mine outside, so it might not be my unit. or it might be.

it's got me kind of antsy...

i'm thinking that we're going to have to skip the middle option, at this point, because i don't really want to leave the unit unattended all day on the 5th if i'm not certain i'm moving out. i'm not even happy about it on the case of certainty - i would rather get out first and sue them after.

the place is shady, all around.

so, i'm just going to give them the opportunity to reschedule outright. if they refuse to do that, the court will be within it's bounds to hear the case as i present it - but i'll also be within my rights to cancel and reschedule unilaterally.

that place was actually acceptable, but i think i got brushed off a little bit. the ad says 825 + hydro. she's claiming it's 825 + utilities, generally.

i wouldn't have gone at all if i knew that. but, why would the ad say 825 + hydro if it's 825 + utilities?

so, she says she'll check and call back. there's some chance she might be wrong, fair enough. so, she has until 8:00 before i call her...

i can be a bit annoying when i want something done :).

there's three stores on the bottom floor and an empty dance club for lease next door. it's four equally sized rooms, and a patio on the roof in the back. kinda perfect, all around.

if it's that easy, great. and we'll be in court on the 5th. we'll find out in a few hours.

i don't have issues with depression, but i do have issues with solipsism, and living in constant drug abuse certainly isn't going to help me with that. i'm actually at high risk for marijuana-induced dementia, because i'm already in the spectrum. my mom has severe mental issues, of the type that probably are genetic. and, ive been through a few episodes...

so, at risk of sounding like i'm under the influence of this drug (and i am.) let me state that, on the remote chance that i'm being experimented on, these negative effects are a consequence of dose.

all that's happening is that i'm falling asleep. i'm not even getting high. i'm just become immobile.

i don't want a drug that's going to "chill me out". i enjoy wild mood swings - it's a part of existence. but, if i don't have a choice for as long as i'm here then please reduce the dosage.

knocked me out again this morning...

what if this blog never ends?

i'll go back to studying math solely on the condition of becoming immortal, first.

until then, it's just too much. i'd want to start from the beginning and rewrite everything; it's an impossible field to come to any kind of satisfying result in - you're just guaranteed of dying as a failure.

sure: i could restrict my ambitions. that's not me.

how likely is immortality, though? i'm currently betting against it, but conditions on the ground could change.

i actually don't tend to measure people's worth by their intelligence.

i mean, say what you want about me, but i do very well on aptitude tests - meaning i fit the definition of a very smart person. i consistently score in the highest percentiles.

so, if i was going around attacking everybody for being fucking idiots, which is always relative, i'd have to spend all my time in my room by myself typing on the internet.

i want to evaluate people on their levels of altruism - on their kindness, on their politics, on their broad viewpoints and world view.

i've stated this repeatedly: i'd rather spend time with a virtuous idiot than with a conniving genius. and, i'm consequently more likely to fall in love with a simple peasant boy or girl with a big heart in the right place than i am with a wealthy tyrant that's clawed their way to the top through lies and manipulation.

i don't deny being a nerd, and never have. i actually take pride in it...

and, i've always tried to exist in circles defined by nerds and losers, too; i've always tried to avoid the in-crowd.

so, the part that doesn't make sense is the idea that i ever was or ever wanted to be 'cool'.

i just don't know why anybody would have thought i'd want to define myself as 'edgy' in the first place.

i've always been a quiet, introverted, bookish nerd that likes various spins on abstract rock music. that's about the literal definition of anti-edgy.

i mean, it's not like i was every really buff or anything.

i was skinny and lanky in 1992.

i was skinny and lanky in 2002.

i was skinny and lanky in 2012.

i'll probably be skinny and lanky in 2022, too.

i may have been a little bit skinnier in 2010 than i was in 2002, but my hair and clothing and general fashion decisions were essentially unchanged.

but, that's a pretty shallow perception that is frankly reflective of low intelligence, anyways.

i've been having difficulty staying awake the last 36 hours, which is no doubt a combination of the rain and the pot. i slept through her blaze this evening and woke up to a remnant smell around midnight, and with a splitting headache.

the showing yesterday was another ashtray of a house - a laundry room that smelled horribly of stale tobacco, and a lawn littered with discarded butts. just fucking gross...if the guy didn't catch me immediately, i would have walked right by without even bothering to go in.

there's something tomorrow. it's a bit bigger than i might need, and a bit more than i might like, but there's some upsides: great location, right downtown, and on top of a storefront, so probably minimal smoke issues.

it's for july, though. and, i'm not going to be ready to move until august 1st at the earliest. so, it;s just to see it.

at least it's going to be nice this weekend, but i plan on staying in. i need to save money. i need to catch up on work. the stress has been hard on my skin. and, i'm not in a good mood right now, overall.

he could be legitimately embarrassed by it.

https://nationalpost.com/opinion/andrew-coyne-the-prime-minister-has-to-say-something-about-groping-accusation-and-yet-what-can-he-say

so, as is well known in canada, the author of the handmaid's tale is a longstanding canadian icon, a cultural hero, a person that was studied heavily at every level of canadian academic literature years before they made a tv show out of a book that she won literary awards for in the 80s.

going to school in canada in the 90s and 00s, the quintessential canadian experience was to read atwood and listen to the hip. and, we claimed her and understood her and analyzed her on this level of being inherently canadian, unlike some other authors or entertainers that just happened to be canadian. so, naomi klein is a writer from canada. but, margaret atwood is a canadian author.

and, that means that being canadian implies you know a few things about her, one of them being that she's an open red tory - what you would call a "liberal republican" in the united states. pushing back against themes explored by atwood has become an undergraduate ritual by young canadian socialists in the english department. we'll have to see if that lasts or not.

if you actually read the book (have you read the book? it won awards, you know. i read it in a second year english course at a university in ottawa.), you'll note that she frequently connects the idea of women's liberation to women's economic freedom. to atwood, women are most free when they can participate as equals in the market. of all of the great ills in this dystopia, which is a projection of the consequences of america having an iranian-like christian revolution and features very heavy-handed islamic imagery that would border on "islamophobia" in today's discourse, it is the abolition of currency that has the most deleterious effect. "offred" reacts most negatively to the repression of her homo economicus, and her reduction to a reproductive vessel that lacks the economic freedom to make choices for herself.

so, she tries to escape to canada, where they still have these magical abstractions called free markets.

well, read the book, if you don't believe me.