it seems like the guy upstairs has moved to the third floor. which has some short-term benefits. i think i'm now free to make smoothies between 11:00 PM and 8:00 AM. not that i wasn't before, but it's common courtesy to keep that kind of noise down. generally speaking, the larger noise buffer is sort of relieving.
nobody has said anything to me about noise, and i don't think that was the cause for the move. rather, i think the recent cold snap produced an evacuation.
personally, i saw it coming and prepared by cranking the heat a few days in advance. when the wind was blowing around out there near -50, the thermostat in my room was a hair under 24 degrees celsius; it was admittedly not able to hold itself there, and the temperature on the thermostat doesn't actually reflect the temperature in the room (which was more like 18 or 19) but the apartment was comfortable.
i realize, though, that it could have been very uncomfortable down here if i just let it sit at 20, oblivious to what was happening outside. i suspect that's why the guy upstairs retreated to safer ground.
which would be fine.
....'cept that the heat seems to now be off, altogether, upstairs. i'm a little worried, but at the same time the mild breeze is actually sort of refreshing. in addition to that meaning i'm going to have to boost my heat a bit, which is a mild adjustment if an adjustment ever was mild, i'm not entirely sure the plan was thought out; part of the reason it's hottest upstairs is that it's being heated by the two levels below it!
so, the end result is we both end up turning the heat up higher and neither is as warm as we were before. i can live through that, but i'm wondering just how bad an idea it is to let the wood floors freeze...
anyways, i think it'll be fine. my guess is that the heat comes back on up there in a day or two when the temperature falls. if not, i'll have to explain the situation, and i'm sure it'll get turned back on. really, i'm just becoming more and more intrigued by my landlord's family....
Friday, January 17, 2014
the silent majority is a different animal than it used to be. but if it quacks, and it walks...
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/blogs/bostonspirit/2014/01/duck_dynasty_ratings_plummet.html
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/blogs/bostonspirit/2014/01/duck_dynasty_ratings_plummet.html
Thursday, January 16, 2014
people wonder why i don't trust my mother...
mom
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html
Jeff
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k
You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!
Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...
Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k
You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!
Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...
Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.
i've been informed by multiple people that that last post was hard to
read and have changed the privacy settings on it. i apologize if it
upset you. i'm acknowledging it was upsetting.
i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?
except that this *is* that.
see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.
...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.
but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.
i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?
except that this *is* that.
see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.
...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.
but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.
it doesn't seem to matter what i do, that crushing feeling of
emptiness is periodically inevitable. it's tied into realizing that the
meaning i've temporarily tricked myself into creating is entirely
constructed. and, getting out of it for another few days is a process
that requires fooling myself once again. sometimes, i look back and
actually cry about how trivial my motivations are. but they're the only
motivations i have...
i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.
i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.
right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.
what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.
i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.
so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?
there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.
i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"
well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.
i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.
i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.
right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.
what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.
i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.
so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?
there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.
i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"
well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
dawkins is a liberal in a hurry. a misunderstood one. the freedom of thought argument bothers me when trotted out against religion, because it's such a system of enforced thought. the freedom to be exploited into conformity. hurray for hierarchy.
there's been a long debate on the place of religion in terms of it's use as propaganda on the left, but never any real idea of taking it seriously, until relatively recently. it's an unattractive characteristic of the modern left to take these really classically liberal views on religion. i'm really closer to nineteenth century leftist ideas about religion.
allowing religion to thrive is just opening up the opportunity for a parasitic weed to take root. which doesn't mean force is a good idea. sometimes ripping those nasty weeds out just makes things worse, sometimes you need something more subtle.
see, here's the thing: religion has managed to convince these millions of people that they should actually want to believe in it. sometimes the tactics have been shady. repressed guilt. maybe these aren't actually good models. but maybe the idea of occupying the benefit of the doubt, of being a basic instinct, is a position that is a pre-requisite for becoming a dominant pattern of thinking. maybe science needs that before all these grand liberal ideas of humanism and rationalism can operate, socially.
there's a problem, though. we've spent thousands of years evolving into religious creatures. i know, i'm pulling a rabbit out of a hat here, i agree. but it's hard to think there's been no movement, towards a religion (which is a superset of a morality) as an instinctual attitude. there might even be a definition there.
i've stated before that i like to hope we look back one day and realize dawkins was essentially correct, but i'm not sure that outcome is certain. there are group survival characteristics that religion acts as a mechanism for and they may, in the end, be superior in force to enlightenment rationalism. i've often wanted to read that text of porphyry with the curious title. alas.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2101256/Richard-Dawkins-How-man-high-IQ-low-views.html
there's been a long debate on the place of religion in terms of it's use as propaganda on the left, but never any real idea of taking it seriously, until relatively recently. it's an unattractive characteristic of the modern left to take these really classically liberal views on religion. i'm really closer to nineteenth century leftist ideas about religion.
allowing religion to thrive is just opening up the opportunity for a parasitic weed to take root. which doesn't mean force is a good idea. sometimes ripping those nasty weeds out just makes things worse, sometimes you need something more subtle.
see, here's the thing: religion has managed to convince these millions of people that they should actually want to believe in it. sometimes the tactics have been shady. repressed guilt. maybe these aren't actually good models. but maybe the idea of occupying the benefit of the doubt, of being a basic instinct, is a position that is a pre-requisite for becoming a dominant pattern of thinking. maybe science needs that before all these grand liberal ideas of humanism and rationalism can operate, socially.
there's a problem, though. we've spent thousands of years evolving into religious creatures. i know, i'm pulling a rabbit out of a hat here, i agree. but it's hard to think there's been no movement, towards a religion (which is a superset of a morality) as an instinctual attitude. there might even be a definition there.
i've stated before that i like to hope we look back one day and realize dawkins was essentially correct, but i'm not sure that outcome is certain. there are group survival characteristics that religion acts as a mechanism for and they may, in the end, be superior in force to enlightenment rationalism. i've often wanted to read that text of porphyry with the curious title. alas.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2101256/Richard-Dawkins-How-man-high-IQ-low-views.html
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
whether the weather is better depends on whether the weather hither there-or beyond where there isn't a feather, just concrete and pleather, and pleather should be recognized by the dictionary here henceforth, as a word of not particularly modern origin, and should have been acknowledged some time in the not-so distant past, but weather the weather is better depends on whether the weather hither there-or beyond where there isn't a feather, just concrete and pleather, is better or not-better, on a relative perception to whether the weather is better.
star rays beam down through a haze of fog, setting off chaotic disturbances that wreak havoc on the surrounding areas. it's almost like it's worth inventing a god out of it. the angry solar beast. yet, that angry solar beast is a machine with perturbations - error bars - the same as any other machine we've created, human or mechanical. error rates are a function of any process, not something determined by the source of it's fuel. it's just that maybe we can understand the error rates as something patterned and rational. forces from other galactic bodies. some insights in fluid mechanics that have escaped us. that's an amazing thing to study and make sense of, as magical as it seems.
this is why i think immortality has some benefits. it makes me utterly depressed to realize that i have a time restriction on the amount of time that i have to learn and analyze and contemplate things. it's not enough time to even get a sketch of things, so why even bother? there's the argument for anti-intellectualism that triumphs everything. it reduces education to a hobby. go do stuff...
...but then the stuff that yearns about to be done is just reading. we're silly creatures. doomed to our own irrelevancy.
but is immortality really impossible? there's a medical push to develop technologies that treat the body like a machine. lose an arm, become a cyborg. ok, cool. but eventually you're made out of metal. and then silicon. and that strikes me as unsustainable to service.
so, genetic engineering. but how far do you go with that? is it possible to convert an elderly person into a young one with frequent organ transplants? is that the most efficient way to do deal with it?
i kind of prefer the idea of recycling. bodies, that is. both organically, through a decomposition process, and by allowing for a sort of shape shifting. host jumping.
it would lead to a massive genetic bottleneck on the earth. i don't really see a way to prevent that. yet, it also makes evolution irrelevant. no, hegel, no, don't say that ridiculous phrase...
but the way the rich would use it would be to jump back to their 20s every few decades. people would get into a biological time machine and be 23 again.
first, it relies on the idea of creating human beings through 3-d printing. so, we're a ways away from that. but if we could create a 23 year old from a genetic sampling, without going through the messy phase of raising clones for mental takeover, we could create new hosts out of old organic material.
can your mind fit on a usb key? well, maybe a blu-ray disc. can it be downloaded and reuploaded into that new host?
...and then the old body gets recycled. that's an algorithm for immortality that could work. then, what of reproduction? well, who wants that under those circumstances? new minds, perhaps. sure, but it's no longer a biological imperative. a lot of existing biological ideas just break into pieces when applied to that kind of hypothetical reality. the entire laboratory's been trashed by hooligans, couldn't even enter it. not an unbroken flask in the place. labcoats, stylized into parisian fashions. just a mess.
so, reproduction probably doesn't end, but it probably does become measured in terms of centuries. and it might eventually even become advanced by 200 years or so, in terms of learning, by downloading some libraries at birth. oh, that little tyrant is quoting machiavelli again!
silly fantasies - or projecting hope onto hopelessness? well, the way back to creating meaning out of what we have in front of us isn't going backwards in time. we lost the whole god thing. we're better for it. let's move on. let's take that confident understanding of a godless universe into one where we construct our own existence, and give it the meaning we want.
it's really the choice between daydreaming of utopias and being overwhelmed by the pointlessness. there is a possibility of immortality, if we take an interest in creating it.
star rays beam down through a haze of fog, setting off chaotic disturbances that wreak havoc on the surrounding areas. it's almost like it's worth inventing a god out of it. the angry solar beast. yet, that angry solar beast is a machine with perturbations - error bars - the same as any other machine we've created, human or mechanical. error rates are a function of any process, not something determined by the source of it's fuel. it's just that maybe we can understand the error rates as something patterned and rational. forces from other galactic bodies. some insights in fluid mechanics that have escaped us. that's an amazing thing to study and make sense of, as magical as it seems.
this is why i think immortality has some benefits. it makes me utterly depressed to realize that i have a time restriction on the amount of time that i have to learn and analyze and contemplate things. it's not enough time to even get a sketch of things, so why even bother? there's the argument for anti-intellectualism that triumphs everything. it reduces education to a hobby. go do stuff...
...but then the stuff that yearns about to be done is just reading. we're silly creatures. doomed to our own irrelevancy.
but is immortality really impossible? there's a medical push to develop technologies that treat the body like a machine. lose an arm, become a cyborg. ok, cool. but eventually you're made out of metal. and then silicon. and that strikes me as unsustainable to service.
so, genetic engineering. but how far do you go with that? is it possible to convert an elderly person into a young one with frequent organ transplants? is that the most efficient way to do deal with it?
i kind of prefer the idea of recycling. bodies, that is. both organically, through a decomposition process, and by allowing for a sort of shape shifting. host jumping.
it would lead to a massive genetic bottleneck on the earth. i don't really see a way to prevent that. yet, it also makes evolution irrelevant. no, hegel, no, don't say that ridiculous phrase...
but the way the rich would use it would be to jump back to their 20s every few decades. people would get into a biological time machine and be 23 again.
first, it relies on the idea of creating human beings through 3-d printing. so, we're a ways away from that. but if we could create a 23 year old from a genetic sampling, without going through the messy phase of raising clones for mental takeover, we could create new hosts out of old organic material.
can your mind fit on a usb key? well, maybe a blu-ray disc. can it be downloaded and reuploaded into that new host?
...and then the old body gets recycled. that's an algorithm for immortality that could work. then, what of reproduction? well, who wants that under those circumstances? new minds, perhaps. sure, but it's no longer a biological imperative. a lot of existing biological ideas just break into pieces when applied to that kind of hypothetical reality. the entire laboratory's been trashed by hooligans, couldn't even enter it. not an unbroken flask in the place. labcoats, stylized into parisian fashions. just a mess.
so, reproduction probably doesn't end, but it probably does become measured in terms of centuries. and it might eventually even become advanced by 200 years or so, in terms of learning, by downloading some libraries at birth. oh, that little tyrant is quoting machiavelli again!
silly fantasies - or projecting hope onto hopelessness? well, the way back to creating meaning out of what we have in front of us isn't going backwards in time. we lost the whole god thing. we're better for it. let's move on. let's take that confident understanding of a godless universe into one where we construct our own existence, and give it the meaning we want.
it's really the choice between daydreaming of utopias and being overwhelmed by the pointlessness. there is a possibility of immortality, if we take an interest in creating it.
publishing deny everything (inri041)
by posting a final final final final final version of this record, i'm transporting myself out of my deny everything phase and into a period where my main focus was playing the classical guitar.
this was the culmination of a year's worth of experiments in almost ideal working conditions, and as such represents a singular moment in my discography. the reason i've modified it so often is that i was in such a rush to get so many ideas out that i got sloppy. i'm confident that everything is resolved in this incarnation of the record, and the five eps i've spun off from it.
--
this is a project that has been through many incarnations and revisions, which should hopefully stabilize now that the tracks are entirely instrumental and the substantial number of outtakes have been categorized into companion eps. i don't expect to modify this further, but note that versions have been created roughly every 3.5 years since 2000 - in 2004, 2007, 2010 and now 2014. that slow, 15 year process of removing samples and reconstructing instrumental sections is now entirely complete.
what's left when the thematic ideas are stripped out is an eccentric and elaborate delve into psychedelic and electronic music that has no clear parallels that the author is aware of.
the record can be sectioned into 4 parts:
- ignorance is bliss [introduction]
- entropy/curious george/gravity's rainbow [program]
- a commercial break [intermission]
- acidosis [finale]
abridged versions of this record entitled 'symphony 1' should contain only the program and the finale, although condensed versions may leave out the beginning parts of the program.
recorded over the space of the year 2000. remixed substantially in 2004, 2007, 2010 and 2014. existing version finalized in jan, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
an audience exists somewhere that will cherish this as the truly unique monstrosity that it is.
credits:
j- guitars of all types, bass, programming, drum programming, sequencing, synthesizers, live drums, piano, loops, films, noise generation, organ, ebow, flute, mandolin, treatments, effects, found sounds, sampling, sound design, generative synthesis, granular synthesis, generative percussion, light-sound synthesis, digital wave editing, production, coughs, a broken equalizer, cover art
the star trek sample in 'gravity's rainbow' is from the episode "errand of mercy" (mar 23, 1967).
the rendered electronic orchestra includes theremin, ukelele, orchestra hit, string ensemble, taiko drums, gongs, trumpet & sax.
released november 11, 2000
this was the culmination of a year's worth of experiments in almost ideal working conditions, and as such represents a singular moment in my discography. the reason i've modified it so often is that i was in such a rush to get so many ideas out that i got sloppy. i'm confident that everything is resolved in this incarnation of the record, and the five eps i've spun off from it.
--
this is a project that has been through many incarnations and revisions, which should hopefully stabilize now that the tracks are entirely instrumental and the substantial number of outtakes have been categorized into companion eps. i don't expect to modify this further, but note that versions have been created roughly every 3.5 years since 2000 - in 2004, 2007, 2010 and now 2014. that slow, 15 year process of removing samples and reconstructing instrumental sections is now entirely complete.
what's left when the thematic ideas are stripped out is an eccentric and elaborate delve into psychedelic and electronic music that has no clear parallels that the author is aware of.
the record can be sectioned into 4 parts:
- ignorance is bliss [introduction]
- entropy/curious george/gravity's rainbow [program]
- a commercial break [intermission]
- acidosis [finale]
abridged versions of this record entitled 'symphony 1' should contain only the program and the finale, although condensed versions may leave out the beginning parts of the program.
recorded over the space of the year 2000. remixed substantially in 2004, 2007, 2010 and 2014. existing version finalized in jan, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
an audience exists somewhere that will cherish this as the truly unique monstrosity that it is.
credits:
j- guitars of all types, bass, programming, drum programming, sequencing, synthesizers, live drums, piano, loops, films, noise generation, organ, ebow, flute, mandolin, treatments, effects, found sounds, sampling, sound design, generative synthesis, granular synthesis, generative percussion, light-sound synthesis, digital wave editing, production, coughs, a broken equalizer, cover art
the star trek sample in 'gravity's rainbow' is from the episode "errand of mercy" (mar 23, 1967).
the rendered electronic orchestra includes theremin, ukelele, orchestra hit, string ensemble, taiko drums, gongs, trumpet & sax.
released november 11, 2000
a commercial break (original album mix)
the story behind the song is not very remarkable. the working title for the track was just 'progblues thing'. it was intended to be a structured instrumental guitar track that mixed the flair of hendrix with the minimalist structure of steve reich.
it was also the result of my dad getting himself a drumkit for christmas that year, which my step-mother promptly placed in my bedroom as a disincentive for further use. score, i guess. but it didn't survive the move a few months later. in the mean time, i got some recordings out of it - as well as a few moderately crazy drunken weekend jam sessions.
i'll note that that christmas also produced a grand piano a few feet outside my door, which is heard in acidosis. it's intended recipient was my sister, but she wasn't around much. me? new pc, with a convenient recording interface, and some more functional microphones. despite talk of family jam spaces, one might suspect my father was actually conspiring in my favour. there is probably a great deal of truth in this suspicion. these conditions held for less than a year, but i made the most of them.
so, the idea of the track was initially about experimenting with the new reverb system built into my new soundcard interface, by triggering it with the drumkit that had recently magically appeared out of good fortune. it had been a few years since i'd played the kit much, and, unfortunately, it kind of does show. i had spent a little time practicing along with "nevermind" and "siamese dream" for a few weeks to get back in shape, but i wasn't really "there" yet at the time of this recording. i didn't want to program loops into the song, so i compensated by splicing the track up. of special interest in this wave editing is the backwards cymbals, and especially how they intersect with the soaring guitars.
and of those soaring guitars? a fairly simple blues pattern. sure is lovely, though, isn't it?
the original version of this track has a lengthy mlk sample in it and is available over here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/let-freedom-ring
the speech became attached to the track when chance managed to have them playing simultaneously for me. i had cnn on in the corner. it was doing some kind of special on mlk, perhaps related to an anniversary that is related to a yearly holiday. placed together, it knocked me flat on my ass.
the idea in my mind from the start was integrationist, if not really consciously so. on the one hand, the guitar part is raw southern blues. on the other hand, the structure is sterile white minimalism. i didn't just realize this juxtaposition, i was trying to exploit it, even if the racial context hadn't occurred to me. when king's speech was played over it, though, the idea really exploded; the context became much deeper. it was an instant exponentiation in profundity.
in hindsight, there are some problems with this. i was a moderately wealthy white kid from canada. there was never much chance of me turning a profit on this, but if i did it would be a type of appropriation. the dr. king samples were removed from this track by the time this demo was initially packaged, which was november of 2000. that's probably for the best.
the second part of the track was recorded in june. it was a short that i had put aside for further development and then decided against further developing, so it ended up here as a sort of addendum to the track. it's really it's own thing, but it's been placed here so long that i don't want to separate it.
recorded over the course of the year 2000.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/a-commercial-break
it was also the result of my dad getting himself a drumkit for christmas that year, which my step-mother promptly placed in my bedroom as a disincentive for further use. score, i guess. but it didn't survive the move a few months later. in the mean time, i got some recordings out of it - as well as a few moderately crazy drunken weekend jam sessions.
i'll note that that christmas also produced a grand piano a few feet outside my door, which is heard in acidosis. it's intended recipient was my sister, but she wasn't around much. me? new pc, with a convenient recording interface, and some more functional microphones. despite talk of family jam spaces, one might suspect my father was actually conspiring in my favour. there is probably a great deal of truth in this suspicion. these conditions held for less than a year, but i made the most of them.
so, the idea of the track was initially about experimenting with the new reverb system built into my new soundcard interface, by triggering it with the drumkit that had recently magically appeared out of good fortune. it had been a few years since i'd played the kit much, and, unfortunately, it kind of does show. i had spent a little time practicing along with "nevermind" and "siamese dream" for a few weeks to get back in shape, but i wasn't really "there" yet at the time of this recording. i didn't want to program loops into the song, so i compensated by splicing the track up. of special interest in this wave editing is the backwards cymbals, and especially how they intersect with the soaring guitars.
and of those soaring guitars? a fairly simple blues pattern. sure is lovely, though, isn't it?
the original version of this track has a lengthy mlk sample in it and is available over here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/let-freedom-ring
the speech became attached to the track when chance managed to have them playing simultaneously for me. i had cnn on in the corner. it was doing some kind of special on mlk, perhaps related to an anniversary that is related to a yearly holiday. placed together, it knocked me flat on my ass.
the idea in my mind from the start was integrationist, if not really consciously so. on the one hand, the guitar part is raw southern blues. on the other hand, the structure is sterile white minimalism. i didn't just realize this juxtaposition, i was trying to exploit it, even if the racial context hadn't occurred to me. when king's speech was played over it, though, the idea really exploded; the context became much deeper. it was an instant exponentiation in profundity.
in hindsight, there are some problems with this. i was a moderately wealthy white kid from canada. there was never much chance of me turning a profit on this, but if i did it would be a type of appropriation. the dr. king samples were removed from this track by the time this demo was initially packaged, which was november of 2000. that's probably for the best.
the second part of the track was recorded in june. it was a short that i had put aside for further development and then decided against further developing, so it ended up here as a sort of addendum to the track. it's really it's own thing, but it's been placed here so long that i don't want to separate it.
recorded over the course of the year 2000.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/a-commercial-break
curious george (replaced album mix)
musically, the track is a combination of an experiment with an idea. i should note that this suite together is maybe the first original track in the style that dominates my output over the next few years, even if it's incomplete (albeit hereby decreed complete). the idea was about creating "guitar symphonies" (and while i was aware of the work of oldfield and fripp, and of sonic youth and gybe!, branca was a black hole for me at the time) in a minimalist, electronic framework that most readily draws to mind the work of trent reznor. this is the first of many expressions and evolutions of that idea. the experiment was with a program called "leaf drums", which is a fairly basic drum machine except in it's ability to manipulate samples with effects in realtime (remember that this is the spring of 2000). once i had that loop running, i started playing some of the riffs i had put aside for the guitar symphony, mostly just to play around with them. it stuck far better than i expected....and that's really the extent of the track.
the bush sample at the beginning is a constructed loop rather than a direct quote. he was talking about gore - "this guy would say anything to get elected, i'd...". that was flipped around to "i'd say anything to get elected" and looped. well, at this point i don't think anybody is going to stand up for bush' honesty or credibility. regardless, the way i looped it purposefully pans it to make it obvious that it's not a direct quote.
the lost version was built up considerably further than this; this version has three guitar parts, the lost version had closer to ten. i was too focused on getting the samples together to worry about re-recording the guitar parts. i don't remember them at this point and will not make up new ones. to be honest, this is far easier to listen to, and, while i mourn the loss of the completed version, i'm actually happy that i kept a more stripped down one.
recorded in april, 2000. samples added in oct, 2000. album version reverted to original mix in sept, 2006.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/curious-george
the bush sample at the beginning is a constructed loop rather than a direct quote. he was talking about gore - "this guy would say anything to get elected, i'd...". that was flipped around to "i'd say anything to get elected" and looped. well, at this point i don't think anybody is going to stand up for bush' honesty or credibility. regardless, the way i looped it purposefully pans it to make it obvious that it's not a direct quote.
the lost version was built up considerably further than this; this version has three guitar parts, the lost version had closer to ten. i was too focused on getting the samples together to worry about re-recording the guitar parts. i don't remember them at this point and will not make up new ones. to be honest, this is far easier to listen to, and, while i mourn the loss of the completed version, i'm actually happy that i kept a more stripped down one.
recorded in april, 2000. samples added in oct, 2000. album version reverted to original mix in sept, 2006.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/curious-george
publishing curious george (inri040)
this track was taken from the then lost curious george suite...
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/chimpanzees-cant-dance
...and loaded up with samples to raise awareness. the impression i was trying to create was that bush wasn't going to be a president who was particularly concerned with civil liberties because he had stated as much rather clearly. this is still pre-9/11, it was right before the election, and i still had no idea what was coming. i was just conscious of the fact that this is a guy that isn't going to stand up for anybody's rights, have much interest in maintaining the rule of law (international or otherwise) or have much respect for the democratic process.
even listening to it today, a lot of it is really surreal. at the time, i was focusing a bit on the irony. for example, his "people who are going to commit crimes shouldn't have guns" quote is cited in reference to himself - by that logic, he should have overseen an american disarmament. "this guy's not elected, he just took over office" quip was also meant to apply to him. i think it's largely forgotten that the news of a possible attempted coup hit before the 2000 election did. there was a buzz on the internet that the people behind bush (military contractors) weren't going to let him lose. the "court battle" in florida wasn't a completely surprising turn of events. it was gore's disinterest in fighting the legal battle (because it would "destabilize" the country) that hit people by surprise.
i've split this into it's own space because it belongs in it's own space. deny everything has been converted into abstract instrumental music; the samples don't belong there. it also seems disingenuous to insert it into the lost suite.
i think i need to be careful in stating that historical hindsight inoculates me in explaining what i hoped was obvious: that this is a thinly veiled call for the assassination of bush before he takes over. a tree fell in a forest here. alas.
recorded in april, 2000. samples added in oct, 2000. samples removed around 2010. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, drum programming, sampling, sound design, digital wave editing
released october 13, 2000
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/chimpanzees-cant-dance
...and loaded up with samples to raise awareness. the impression i was trying to create was that bush wasn't going to be a president who was particularly concerned with civil liberties because he had stated as much rather clearly. this is still pre-9/11, it was right before the election, and i still had no idea what was coming. i was just conscious of the fact that this is a guy that isn't going to stand up for anybody's rights, have much interest in maintaining the rule of law (international or otherwise) or have much respect for the democratic process.
even listening to it today, a lot of it is really surreal. at the time, i was focusing a bit on the irony. for example, his "people who are going to commit crimes shouldn't have guns" quote is cited in reference to himself - by that logic, he should have overseen an american disarmament. "this guy's not elected, he just took over office" quip was also meant to apply to him. i think it's largely forgotten that the news of a possible attempted coup hit before the 2000 election did. there was a buzz on the internet that the people behind bush (military contractors) weren't going to let him lose. the "court battle" in florida wasn't a completely surprising turn of events. it was gore's disinterest in fighting the legal battle (because it would "destabilize" the country) that hit people by surprise.
i've split this into it's own space because it belongs in it's own space. deny everything has been converted into abstract instrumental music; the samples don't belong there. it also seems disingenuous to insert it into the lost suite.
i think i need to be careful in stating that historical hindsight inoculates me in explaining what i hoped was obvious: that this is a thinly veiled call for the assassination of bush before he takes over. a tree fell in a forest here. alas.
recorded in april, 2000. samples added in oct, 2000. samples removed around 2010. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, drum programming, sampling, sound design, digital wave editing
released october 13, 2000
acidosis (original album mix)
and, this is the continuous, single-track version of acidosis. i have removed the jungle noises sound sample collage from the end for this version.
this was constructed over a little more than a month: from 7/7-8/20, 2000.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/acidosis
this was constructed over a little more than a month: from 7/7-8/20, 2000.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/acidosis
publishing acidosis (inri039)
this is the core of my first symphony. it's a sort of a pun; it uses the medical condition of acidosis, which is when the ph level of a person's blood dips to a level that causes complications or death, to draw an analogy to the environmental destruction being carried out by industrial civilization. it also forwards my intuitive hypothesis that homo sapiens will ultimately end up as an evolutionary dead-end. more specifically, my view is that intelligence, as a trait, is ultimately an evolutionary disadvantage. well somebody else probably has that view too; i honestly couldn't cite anybody, sorry.
the material is presented here in fragmented format to properly outline the structure of the piece. it exists in one section on deny everything, and will be the dominant component of a larger first symphony file.
that sexy cover art is a couple of bitmaps of neurons played with in paint and superimposed onto each other in coagula. the sound of that sexy bitmap is heard in the song.
i think i'd rather let the piece stand by title alone, other than to point out that the reaction explored in the piece is really more general than any specific narrative justifies. it's a systems break down.
the music is half generated algorithmically and half played. the half random, largely atonal notes i had programmed into the generator created unusual jam circumstances that were fun to play with. as an example, the piano part is live, but it's being spurred on by the random synth bass underneath it. the computer was driving me, creatively; i think it produced interesting results, both out of me and in itself. as a rhythm section, the computer holds it's own here - as random as the notes are.
what centers the track, though, is a classical guitar part that i recorded very late one night. i was weirded out about things and wanted to get some shit out, so i recorded myself playing for close to a half hour. i think a lot of people don't realize just how powerful a guitar can be as an alternate outlet for aggression. psychologically, that's powerful shit.
i listened to the jam when i got my head clear and i was sort of fascinated by it's just raw emotion. it didn't make any musical sense, but it expressed an idea through it's dynamics. i ran it backwards through an effect designed to simulate a record player dying over exaggerated lengths of times and that became the idea to build around. the shape grew slowly, all the way into the analogy, from there.
this was constructed over a little more than a month: from 7/7-8/20, 2000. it seems to have been recombined into one track around 2007 but has otherwise not been modified. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars of all types, bass, drum programming, synthesizers, piano, loops, noise generation, organ, ebow, flute, mandolin, treatments, effects, sound design, generative synthesis, digital wave editing, production, coughs, cover art
released august 20, 2000
the material is presented here in fragmented format to properly outline the structure of the piece. it exists in one section on deny everything, and will be the dominant component of a larger first symphony file.
that sexy cover art is a couple of bitmaps of neurons played with in paint and superimposed onto each other in coagula. the sound of that sexy bitmap is heard in the song.
i think i'd rather let the piece stand by title alone, other than to point out that the reaction explored in the piece is really more general than any specific narrative justifies. it's a systems break down.
the music is half generated algorithmically and half played. the half random, largely atonal notes i had programmed into the generator created unusual jam circumstances that were fun to play with. as an example, the piano part is live, but it's being spurred on by the random synth bass underneath it. the computer was driving me, creatively; i think it produced interesting results, both out of me and in itself. as a rhythm section, the computer holds it's own here - as random as the notes are.
what centers the track, though, is a classical guitar part that i recorded very late one night. i was weirded out about things and wanted to get some shit out, so i recorded myself playing for close to a half hour. i think a lot of people don't realize just how powerful a guitar can be as an alternate outlet for aggression. psychologically, that's powerful shit.
i listened to the jam when i got my head clear and i was sort of fascinated by it's just raw emotion. it didn't make any musical sense, but it expressed an idea through it's dynamics. i ran it backwards through an effect designed to simulate a record player dying over exaggerated lengths of times and that became the idea to build around. the shape grew slowly, all the way into the analogy, from there.
this was constructed over a little more than a month: from 7/7-8/20, 2000. it seems to have been recombined into one track around 2007 but has otherwise not been modified. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars of all types, bass, drum programming, synthesizers, piano, loops, noise generation, organ, ebow, flute, mandolin, treatments, effects, sound design, generative synthesis, digital wave editing, production, coughs, cover art
released august 20, 2000
Monday, January 13, 2014
ignorance is bliss (final album mix)
this is a brand new (jan, 2014) construction to replace the previous one, making it the third incarnation. and, if we accept dialectical reasoning, we can conclude it's a final outcome - unless it converts itself into another track altogether.
the thesis here was a fully produced version that included vocals. the antithesis was a minimal version that stripped out most of the production along with the lyrics. this synthesis brings the production back in while leaving the vocals out. i've tried to author my additions while keeping in mind the aesthetic ideals i was attached to in the period. that is to say that while this is a new mix, it belongs to the time the track was created - mid 2000. no new recorded sound has been added.
thesis (vocal mix), antithesis (2004 mix) and an early mix (inristart), as well as a completely different construction of the track, are available here, with write-ups:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ignorance-is-bliss
i'm just going to talk a little about the specific changes in the 2014 mix. first, i've brought the introductory guitar solo back in, but extended it by reflecting it across the y axis. a backwards solo now follows the first solo. the reason i left it out was that it was written to segue into the vocals. that is to say that when the guitar part ended, the vocals began, and the track carried forward momentum through because of that. removing the vocals left the guitar part as a sort of bridge to nowhere. the extension by means of reflection resolves that issue of continuity, and reintegrates what was an interesting moment in the initial track.
the story around the bass part is sort of funny. the vocal mix actually contains what was a replacement bass part. it's a more playful part. yet, when i wanted to remove the vocals, i was forced to revert to the initial part. at the time, i decided that accepting the less interesting bass part was a valid trade-off for removing the bass. well, why not have two bass parts?
the vocal version also had a funk guitar part that was written to play off against the second bass part. this funk guitar part didn't make sense when contrasted against the initial bass part. yet, as i'm bringing in the second bass part, i can also bring in the funk guitar part.
there were two thunder claps in the vocal version that were inserted as sound effects - the thunder claps when the narrator opens an umbrella. while the first is nonsensical without the vocals, the second has been readded for dramatic effect.
lastly, i had a sequenced "ukelele" part running through the track. well, it's a sampler set up to a ukelele fret board. meaning it's triggering samples based on ukelele chord shapes. this is early 2000, way before that shit was trendy. nor has it ever been trendy in the context of being triggered by a computer. i digress...
it ran all the way through the vocal version, and, in hindsight, i don't know why. the minimal version is superior to the vocal version in this respect; the power of the drum machine drilling away underneath the interstellar synth parts is lost when clouded up by a bunch of goofy ukelele trills. instead, i've targeted the ukelele part to two specific sections: right after the first guitar solo, and leading up to the final swell before the fade.
these are the changes i've made in 2014, all of them with the intent to capture the entirety of the track as it was initially written.
as for the track itself, it's almost indescribable except to point out it's really psychedelic and really electronic and really epic.
created in the spring and summer of 2000. reconstructed in 2004 and again in 2014. final construction is dated to jan 13, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/ignorance-is-bliss
the thesis here was a fully produced version that included vocals. the antithesis was a minimal version that stripped out most of the production along with the lyrics. this synthesis brings the production back in while leaving the vocals out. i've tried to author my additions while keeping in mind the aesthetic ideals i was attached to in the period. that is to say that while this is a new mix, it belongs to the time the track was created - mid 2000. no new recorded sound has been added.
thesis (vocal mix), antithesis (2004 mix) and an early mix (inristart), as well as a completely different construction of the track, are available here, with write-ups:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ignorance-is-bliss
i'm just going to talk a little about the specific changes in the 2014 mix. first, i've brought the introductory guitar solo back in, but extended it by reflecting it across the y axis. a backwards solo now follows the first solo. the reason i left it out was that it was written to segue into the vocals. that is to say that when the guitar part ended, the vocals began, and the track carried forward momentum through because of that. removing the vocals left the guitar part as a sort of bridge to nowhere. the extension by means of reflection resolves that issue of continuity, and reintegrates what was an interesting moment in the initial track.
the story around the bass part is sort of funny. the vocal mix actually contains what was a replacement bass part. it's a more playful part. yet, when i wanted to remove the vocals, i was forced to revert to the initial part. at the time, i decided that accepting the less interesting bass part was a valid trade-off for removing the bass. well, why not have two bass parts?
the vocal version also had a funk guitar part that was written to play off against the second bass part. this funk guitar part didn't make sense when contrasted against the initial bass part. yet, as i'm bringing in the second bass part, i can also bring in the funk guitar part.
there were two thunder claps in the vocal version that were inserted as sound effects - the thunder claps when the narrator opens an umbrella. while the first is nonsensical without the vocals, the second has been readded for dramatic effect.
lastly, i had a sequenced "ukelele" part running through the track. well, it's a sampler set up to a ukelele fret board. meaning it's triggering samples based on ukelele chord shapes. this is early 2000, way before that shit was trendy. nor has it ever been trendy in the context of being triggered by a computer. i digress...
it ran all the way through the vocal version, and, in hindsight, i don't know why. the minimal version is superior to the vocal version in this respect; the power of the drum machine drilling away underneath the interstellar synth parts is lost when clouded up by a bunch of goofy ukelele trills. instead, i've targeted the ukelele part to two specific sections: right after the first guitar solo, and leading up to the final swell before the fade.
these are the changes i've made in 2014, all of them with the intent to capture the entirety of the track as it was initially written.
as for the track itself, it's almost indescribable except to point out it's really psychedelic and really electronic and really epic.
created in the spring and summer of 2000. reconstructed in 2004 and again in 2014. final construction is dated to jan 13, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/ignorance-is-bliss
i think i'm acting out my mps through facebook profiles, which is hilariously pathetic. so laugh. but i pose a question of some seriousness:
is anglo-american civilization the first civilization in history to have an actual materialist religion?
no. there was previously confucianism.
not to say that the like catholic church or something wasn't materialist, but it still derived it's power from magic. and buddhism may have seemed more materialistic, but it's still deriving consequences from moral actions, by some kind of positive magic.
i think confucianism fits, though.
well, maybe the romans, actually. maybe there was actually a time before theological religion was dominant. so, maybe the first...no, i can't salvage the question.
i'm talking about culture, by the way, not power per se. well, social power, i guess, but not necessarily invested in any particular hierarchy. the mindset that dominates thinking regarding social behaviour, but placed on a footing where it's no longer questioned. i just bullshitted a sociological definition of religion, would you look at that.
even in "secular societies" that sort of social code exists, as derived in some abstraction from the religious law. up until recently, we could talk of anglo-american social values as having been abstracted from christian ones, through however many reinterpretations for however many motives, or through organic shifts in public attitude that yearn towards a different structuring. likewise, you could talk of the more liberal arabic states as having social laws that reflect abstractions of islamic values, and etc.
but is the united states empire (and satellites) now beyond that abstraction and into a really materialist idea of social ordering?
i mean, there's been an appropriation of some of the symbols, but that's a fundamental part of any religious shift in any region. odin carries on as santa claus, the greek mysteries within christianity, stories of great floods in judaism. so, we still have jesus, but it's now a materialist jesus that enforces the laws of social darwinism, wrapped up within (sometimes falsely applied) market rhetoric.
whatever abstraction that was once attached to god seems now to be attached to finance. i mean socially, through the attitudes that exist.
i'm a loud supporter of atheism, but that's kind of not what i had in mind.
anyways, the question does appear foolish. but it is hinting at something that defines the character of the culture of the existing global hegemon, and stands out relative to other recent empires.
is anglo-american civilization the first civilization in history to have an actual materialist religion?
no. there was previously confucianism.
not to say that the like catholic church or something wasn't materialist, but it still derived it's power from magic. and buddhism may have seemed more materialistic, but it's still deriving consequences from moral actions, by some kind of positive magic.
i think confucianism fits, though.
well, maybe the romans, actually. maybe there was actually a time before theological religion was dominant. so, maybe the first...no, i can't salvage the question.
i'm talking about culture, by the way, not power per se. well, social power, i guess, but not necessarily invested in any particular hierarchy. the mindset that dominates thinking regarding social behaviour, but placed on a footing where it's no longer questioned. i just bullshitted a sociological definition of religion, would you look at that.
even in "secular societies" that sort of social code exists, as derived in some abstraction from the religious law. up until recently, we could talk of anglo-american social values as having been abstracted from christian ones, through however many reinterpretations for however many motives, or through organic shifts in public attitude that yearn towards a different structuring. likewise, you could talk of the more liberal arabic states as having social laws that reflect abstractions of islamic values, and etc.
but is the united states empire (and satellites) now beyond that abstraction and into a really materialist idea of social ordering?
i mean, there's been an appropriation of some of the symbols, but that's a fundamental part of any religious shift in any region. odin carries on as santa claus, the greek mysteries within christianity, stories of great floods in judaism. so, we still have jesus, but it's now a materialist jesus that enforces the laws of social darwinism, wrapped up within (sometimes falsely applied) market rhetoric.
whatever abstraction that was once attached to god seems now to be attached to finance. i mean socially, through the attitudes that exist.
i'm a loud supporter of atheism, but that's kind of not what i had in mind.
anyways, the question does appear foolish. but it is hinting at something that defines the character of the culture of the existing global hegemon, and stands out relative to other recent empires.
i'm now entering my jesus year. i get the feeling it's going to be eventful, but i may be working myself up around the symbolism of it as it relates to my repressed, inner jesus freak. and the symbolism itself is probably contrived number mysticism. but i guess i'll find out.
converting the bible into punk rock language.
"jesus hated the pharisees because they were poseurs."
"yeah, i used to like judas, until he sold out."
"that mountain of laws is just a lot of pretentious bullshit. the golden rule is about keeping it real."
"pilate's behaviour was entirely contrived."
converting the bible into punk rock language.
"jesus hated the pharisees because they were poseurs."
"yeah, i used to like judas, until he sold out."
"that mountain of laws is just a lot of pretentious bullshit. the golden rule is about keeping it real."
"pilate's behaviour was entirely contrived."
this is a legitimately good idea in an industry that often seems out to lunch. the rush to bring the next-gen battery technology to the market often reduces ecological concerns to a marketing benefit, or, worse, a scam.
there was a cronenberg film that explored the ideas of merging biology with technology to create growing, living plant-based machines. in the end, it's all chemistry. it's electrons transferring; it's energy stored in chemical bonds. there's nothing crazy about returning to carbon from silicon and replacing steel with cellulose. it's the sustainable future.
http://www.eco-business.com/news/green-energy-vegetables-may-help-wind-solar-stem-use-fossil-fuels/
there was a cronenberg film that explored the ideas of merging biology with technology to create growing, living plant-based machines. in the end, it's all chemistry. it's electrons transferring; it's energy stored in chemical bonds. there's nothing crazy about returning to carbon from silicon and replacing steel with cellulose. it's the sustainable future.
http://www.eco-business.com/news/green-energy-vegetables-may-help-wind-solar-stem-use-fossil-fuels/
Sunday, January 12, 2014
nothing like a little mind aids to clarify your thinking. happy birthday to me.
the russians have been prioritizing deepwater ports for centuries. they really, really value having access through the black sea, past the dardanelles and into the mediterranean. so, the transit point in syria (tartus) is of central priority to a continuous russian naval strategy going back centuries. and there has equally been a british, and anglo-american, strategy to contain russian shipping through this region, for nearly as long as the russians have been valuing the access. this is a really basic struggle over control of shipping lanes by two powerful monarchical centres, two empires, that precedes the existence of the modern world.
the time was right for russia to be more aggressive in it's strategy, arguably even devastatingly too late. whether through real naivete or some kind of strategic fake naivete, the russians passively allowed themselves to be outmaneuvered for decades, stemming from an apparent (or contrived?) attempt to legitimately establish peaceful and common interests. with each clumsy russian gesture towards friendship, the americans became more contemptful in their deceit. something seems to have finally clicked after libya, where the russians were rudely discarded as fools. the russians seem to realize, finally, that the americans have no desire to be at peace. this is a very important recent shift in the balance of world power.
so, syria is quickly turning into a militarized russian base to protect those interests. assad is losing control, alright, but not to the rebels - to the kremlin. in the end, that's who picks up the spot on the risk board.
and bloody hell cry the saudis, who started the mess in the first place, by launching an attack from a position of weakness. the russians will happily allow assad to follow his enemies, and one cannot think there is any other option should he remain in power, under kremlin guidance or not. assad cannot simply quietly rebuild, and show up cheerily to the arab league meetings. revenge is inevitable. and why wouldn't the russians nurture that? some ruthless asshole probably pointed out that you'd better kill the fucker while you get the chance, when in such situations.
but in the end it's just the russians and english fighting over shipping lanes. same shit as for the last forever.
the russians have been prioritizing deepwater ports for centuries. they really, really value having access through the black sea, past the dardanelles and into the mediterranean. so, the transit point in syria (tartus) is of central priority to a continuous russian naval strategy going back centuries. and there has equally been a british, and anglo-american, strategy to contain russian shipping through this region, for nearly as long as the russians have been valuing the access. this is a really basic struggle over control of shipping lanes by two powerful monarchical centres, two empires, that precedes the existence of the modern world.
the time was right for russia to be more aggressive in it's strategy, arguably even devastatingly too late. whether through real naivete or some kind of strategic fake naivete, the russians passively allowed themselves to be outmaneuvered for decades, stemming from an apparent (or contrived?) attempt to legitimately establish peaceful and common interests. with each clumsy russian gesture towards friendship, the americans became more contemptful in their deceit. something seems to have finally clicked after libya, where the russians were rudely discarded as fools. the russians seem to realize, finally, that the americans have no desire to be at peace. this is a very important recent shift in the balance of world power.
so, syria is quickly turning into a militarized russian base to protect those interests. assad is losing control, alright, but not to the rebels - to the kremlin. in the end, that's who picks up the spot on the risk board.
and bloody hell cry the saudis, who started the mess in the first place, by launching an attack from a position of weakness. the russians will happily allow assad to follow his enemies, and one cannot think there is any other option should he remain in power, under kremlin guidance or not. assad cannot simply quietly rebuild, and show up cheerily to the arab league meetings. revenge is inevitable. and why wouldn't the russians nurture that? some ruthless asshole probably pointed out that you'd better kill the fucker while you get the chance, when in such situations.
but in the end it's just the russians and english fighting over shipping lanes. same shit as for the last forever.
i know wolff is trying to present workable alternatives, and i give him credit for it, but i think he's missing the point: the apathy about worker co-ops is built in large part by the absence of meaningful working class jobs. organizing a mcdonalds is not just different than organizing a car factory on a question of scale, it's different on a question of value. do we really want worker-run fast food restaurants, grocery stores and call centres? does that really have the potential to improve anybody's life?
the numbers points towards mechanization, rather than offshoring, as the prime contributor. isn't this a step forward in quality of life over actually running the factories with manual labour? if we could seize these forces of production for everybody....
i'm on record for my disdain of zizek, but something he's pointed to repeatedly is the idea that we've already passed through the socialist stage. marx wasn't a clairvoyant. historical materialism is more magic than science. maybe it's time to look around us and realize that actual communism is within our reach.
this is what the kids can see, and why they're convinced this co-op shit belongs in the 20th century.
http://truth-out.org/opinion/item/20991-worker-coops-and-left-strategy
the numbers points towards mechanization, rather than offshoring, as the prime contributor. isn't this a step forward in quality of life over actually running the factories with manual labour? if we could seize these forces of production for everybody....
i'm on record for my disdain of zizek, but something he's pointed to repeatedly is the idea that we've already passed through the socialist stage. marx wasn't a clairvoyant. historical materialism is more magic than science. maybe it's time to look around us and realize that actual communism is within our reach.
this is what the kids can see, and why they're convinced this co-op shit belongs in the 20th century.
http://truth-out.org/opinion/item/20991-worker-coops-and-left-strategy
what the numbers actually say is that roughly 60% of voters don't care about platforms, they just vote based on branding. when you factor in leaning, meaning the people that think before they vote, it's 47-41. that leaves around 10%, the traditional independent faction.
however, it's long been understood that independents that refuse to admit a political leaning actually lean republican. that puts the split where it's been for years.
gotcha politics from the soft-left press.
the only way an independent candidate is going to break through the mess is by appealing to a populist issue that transcends the traditional right/left divide. somebody like ron paul could have done it by building on opposition to the drug war and standing up for civil liberties, if he wasn't a racist, misogynist corporate stooge. somebody with glenn greenwald's politics and ross perot's money. of course, s/he'd be dead in a flash...
http://www.truth-out.org/buzzflash/commentary/item/18408-republican-voter-identification-falls-to-new-low-point-as-independent-voters-surge
however, it's long been understood that independents that refuse to admit a political leaning actually lean republican. that puts the split where it's been for years.
gotcha politics from the soft-left press.
the only way an independent candidate is going to break through the mess is by appealing to a populist issue that transcends the traditional right/left divide. somebody like ron paul could have done it by building on opposition to the drug war and standing up for civil liberties, if he wasn't a racist, misogynist corporate stooge. somebody with glenn greenwald's politics and ross perot's money. of course, s/he'd be dead in a flash...
http://www.truth-out.org/buzzflash/commentary/item/18408-republican-voter-identification-falls-to-new-low-point-as-independent-voters-surge
publishing ignorance is bliss (inri038)
the third of what will be four eps of material cycling around the deny everything lp, this is definitely a pretty heavy listen. as i tend to do, i've mixed some weird styles together here. electro-goth-grunge? noise-hop? industrial blues? ambient post-punk? i dunno. it's not easily describable, and i aim for that. as a piece of electronic music, it's pretty neat. let's leave it at that. three times in a row with subtle variations is going to require an interest in the topic. but, i demand some grit from my listeners; i expect that, in turn, from the musicians i admire.
so, have some fun tripping out into this. or don't. whatever.
--
this is a collection of versions of a track that was important to me around the turn of the century: three electronic versions and an electric folk version that i often played as a sort of a drunken party trick. the three electronic versions are arranged in decreasing complexity, and the electric folk version is at the end.
it's sort of about me, and sort of about my dad, and sort of about caricatures. we never had a dog drown, and i simply have no knowledge of the dynamics of my parents' sexual relationship. that's just an old country song. yet, there were a lot of stressful problems in both his work and family life, and that was being pointed to as a cause of his heart problems.
in hindsight, i'd tend to lean more towards genetics than stress. of course, that's something i have an interest in understanding further as i age. at the time, though, the focus was all about reducing the amount of stress he was dealing with.
i really just sort of didn't get it. i still don't *really* get it. stressed? well, chill out then. spark one up. put on a tune. it's maybe not as easy as snapping a finger, but it has to be about a general philosophy of life. see, i guess i place a lot less faith in the idea of free will than most people do - and my father, being a rush fan, and don't get me started on that travesty, put far more faith in it. when one is absolutely convinced that their entire life is determined by the choices they make, including the ones they don't make, it produces a lot of pressure to make or not make the right choices. meaning? he did it to himself - his atlas never shrugged.
ultimately, universe gonna hate. your so-called free will is doomed to be crushed in a wave of stochastics. the universe is a random, chaotic place defined by poorly understood probabilities. so, why bother concerning yourself so deeply with the consequences of your actions in this pointless existence, to the point that it might cut that existence short? it was the idea of him driving himself to cardiac arrest that pissed me off. you could be hit by an asteroid in your sleep. you could spontaneously combust. you could even wake up one day to find that aliens have landed and are taking over the world using robot gunships. once you get *that*, trying to fight for control seems pointless. embrace the random, and spiral out....
or, so, the debate went. i wasn't really comfortable writing a song *about* my old man, so i took a fictional first-person perspective and went to town with it a bit.
the vocals have come in and out of the track, but in the end they became attached solely to the electric folk version, leaving the electronic version solely as a piece of music.
the cover art bitmap is one of the files i put through coagula to produce sound out of light. inristart was a working title for the piece.
written and recorded, 1999-2001. track 2 was reconstructed out of existing sound in june, 2004. sequenced as is in jan, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, synthesizers, sequencing, drum programming, vocals, vocoders, sound design, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released july 11, 2000
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ignorance-is-bliss
1) this was the meta mix: recorded from may to july, 2000 and included on the original deny everything demo. it's also the most produced mix, in the sense that it utilizes a number of electronic and guitar based sound effects that were dropped from the final mix. note also that the bass part is different and arguably better, if slightly out of sync.
i should point out, in the context of streaming it from this site, that it starts about 15 seconds in. this was a conscious thing that was designed to startle the listener. you're supposed to listen to the first fifteen seconds, adjust your volume, scratch your head, etc - and then jump a foot in the air when it actually comes on and scares the fuck out of you. even if you know it's coming, the suddenness is still jarring.
2) i've held to this version since june, 2004 but i'm going to update it for inclusion in deny everything, yet again. the fun part of being an unknown composer is that you can modify your works at a whim. well, known composers have done that, too. fuck the rock era. fuck rock stars.
it contains more of the track than the "original" inristart may, 2000 version but less of the track than the abandoned vocal mix (july, 2000).
the sections that were abandoned for this mix were largely overflows of the vocal version. for example, a short guitar solo was ignored because it seemed pointlessly indulgent and empty without it being an introduction to the vocals. there's also a sequenced "ukulele" part that ran through the vocal version that was discarded; it was a vocal accompaniment (in a way that may bring to mind lady in satin, or perhaps vespertine) that seemed to just appear out of nowhere. a thunder crack only made sense relative to the lyrics. a noise-funk guitar part was meant to work with the bass part and no longer did.
i was also in a more minimalist frame of mind back in '04 when i put it together. today, though, i want to bring in more of the vocal version. this version just feels half done.
this differs from the inristart version only in the addition of a lead guitar part that bridges the first and middle sections and a subtle feedback swell around twelve minutes in. these, however, are substantial differences that i feel are worth maintaining in their own mix.
the 2004 date seems anachronistic, but all the parts were recorded in the spring and early summer of 2000.
3) this is the oldest version i have and formed the basis of the final version.
4) this was never meant to be recorded like this, only played live, usually drunk, but a friend of mine talked me into recording it for inclusion in a radio rock project we were hatching up. well, he was hatching up. i didn't really have much of an artistic investment in it, i just agreed to play bass, because my friend needed a bassist more than any other reason. he wanted this to be a "hidden song". i obliged.
however, he was a little taken aback by the result. he wanted it to be twangy and country, which indicated a misunderstanding of the content. it's comical on a surreal level, but it's not a cheap comedy skit. his ideas would have devalued it and that sort of pissed me off; my refusal to redo it pissed him off. this was part of the reason that the project never went anywhere, except to spark rabit is wolf:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/rabit-iz-wolf
this recording did not happen until mid 2001, but i was playing it at parties months before that. it's only very slightly anachronistic to attach it to here; the conceptual unity overpowers.
so, have some fun tripping out into this. or don't. whatever.
--
this is a collection of versions of a track that was important to me around the turn of the century: three electronic versions and an electric folk version that i often played as a sort of a drunken party trick. the three electronic versions are arranged in decreasing complexity, and the electric folk version is at the end.
it's sort of about me, and sort of about my dad, and sort of about caricatures. we never had a dog drown, and i simply have no knowledge of the dynamics of my parents' sexual relationship. that's just an old country song. yet, there were a lot of stressful problems in both his work and family life, and that was being pointed to as a cause of his heart problems.
in hindsight, i'd tend to lean more towards genetics than stress. of course, that's something i have an interest in understanding further as i age. at the time, though, the focus was all about reducing the amount of stress he was dealing with.
i really just sort of didn't get it. i still don't *really* get it. stressed? well, chill out then. spark one up. put on a tune. it's maybe not as easy as snapping a finger, but it has to be about a general philosophy of life. see, i guess i place a lot less faith in the idea of free will than most people do - and my father, being a rush fan, and don't get me started on that travesty, put far more faith in it. when one is absolutely convinced that their entire life is determined by the choices they make, including the ones they don't make, it produces a lot of pressure to make or not make the right choices. meaning? he did it to himself - his atlas never shrugged.
ultimately, universe gonna hate. your so-called free will is doomed to be crushed in a wave of stochastics. the universe is a random, chaotic place defined by poorly understood probabilities. so, why bother concerning yourself so deeply with the consequences of your actions in this pointless existence, to the point that it might cut that existence short? it was the idea of him driving himself to cardiac arrest that pissed me off. you could be hit by an asteroid in your sleep. you could spontaneously combust. you could even wake up one day to find that aliens have landed and are taking over the world using robot gunships. once you get *that*, trying to fight for control seems pointless. embrace the random, and spiral out....
or, so, the debate went. i wasn't really comfortable writing a song *about* my old man, so i took a fictional first-person perspective and went to town with it a bit.
the vocals have come in and out of the track, but in the end they became attached solely to the electric folk version, leaving the electronic version solely as a piece of music.
the cover art bitmap is one of the files i put through coagula to produce sound out of light. inristart was a working title for the piece.
written and recorded, 1999-2001. track 2 was reconstructed out of existing sound in june, 2004. sequenced as is in jan, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, synthesizers, sequencing, drum programming, vocals, vocoders, sound design, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released july 11, 2000
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ignorance-is-bliss
1) this was the meta mix: recorded from may to july, 2000 and included on the original deny everything demo. it's also the most produced mix, in the sense that it utilizes a number of electronic and guitar based sound effects that were dropped from the final mix. note also that the bass part is different and arguably better, if slightly out of sync.
i should point out, in the context of streaming it from this site, that it starts about 15 seconds in. this was a conscious thing that was designed to startle the listener. you're supposed to listen to the first fifteen seconds, adjust your volume, scratch your head, etc - and then jump a foot in the air when it actually comes on and scares the fuck out of you. even if you know it's coming, the suddenness is still jarring.
2) i've held to this version since june, 2004 but i'm going to update it for inclusion in deny everything, yet again. the fun part of being an unknown composer is that you can modify your works at a whim. well, known composers have done that, too. fuck the rock era. fuck rock stars.
it contains more of the track than the "original" inristart may, 2000 version but less of the track than the abandoned vocal mix (july, 2000).
the sections that were abandoned for this mix were largely overflows of the vocal version. for example, a short guitar solo was ignored because it seemed pointlessly indulgent and empty without it being an introduction to the vocals. there's also a sequenced "ukulele" part that ran through the vocal version that was discarded; it was a vocal accompaniment (in a way that may bring to mind lady in satin, or perhaps vespertine) that seemed to just appear out of nowhere. a thunder crack only made sense relative to the lyrics. a noise-funk guitar part was meant to work with the bass part and no longer did.
i was also in a more minimalist frame of mind back in '04 when i put it together. today, though, i want to bring in more of the vocal version. this version just feels half done.
this differs from the inristart version only in the addition of a lead guitar part that bridges the first and middle sections and a subtle feedback swell around twelve minutes in. these, however, are substantial differences that i feel are worth maintaining in their own mix.
the 2004 date seems anachronistic, but all the parts were recorded in the spring and early summer of 2000.
3) this is the oldest version i have and formed the basis of the final version.
4) this was never meant to be recorded like this, only played live, usually drunk, but a friend of mine talked me into recording it for inclusion in a radio rock project we were hatching up. well, he was hatching up. i didn't really have much of an artistic investment in it, i just agreed to play bass, because my friend needed a bassist more than any other reason. he wanted this to be a "hidden song". i obliged.
however, he was a little taken aback by the result. he wanted it to be twangy and country, which indicated a misunderstanding of the content. it's comical on a surreal level, but it's not a cheap comedy skit. his ideas would have devalued it and that sort of pissed me off; my refusal to redo it pissed him off. this was part of the reason that the project never went anywhere, except to spark rabit is wolf:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/rabit-iz-wolf
this recording did not happen until mid 2001, but i was playing it at parties months before that. it's only very slightly anachronistic to attach it to here; the conceptual unity overpowers.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i responded
mom
K...I'm off the phone with her now. How are you?
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm ok. was fighting with my hard drive, but it seems to have resolved itself for now at least. i don't know what happened, really. it's not doing the things that hard drives do when they die, leading me to believe it's not really dead, just had a hiccup.
mom
Mine is working good for awhile and then makes very loud noises as well....I took it into apple and they said it was an old dinosaur and they could not service it...told me to just back my stuff up and continue to use it...They tested my fan activity and said my fans were running right....Not sure what it is all about...I am just using it and hoping for the best.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i still think it sounds like your drive. i think i may have actually accidentally zapped mine with a jolt of static electricity, because the plates aren't misbehaving. which means it could be fine or could be waiting to implode. but the guy is right - back your data up. it's a shame they won't just put a new drive in it. that's kind of jerky.
mom
Well, there is another place...The Mac Group, where I bought it from in the first place that I could bring it into and I think they would actually service it. I only have pics on it...I did put them onto a couple of usb sticks.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, if your drive is dying, you're either going to need a new drive or a new laptop. the electronics industry is so wasteful. people just buy new computers when a part breaks, it's craziness, really.
mom
It seems such a waste...I have so much space on mine...I have hardly used any at all...Do you think it just needs a good cleaning?
I did pull out some dust and crap with some extra long tweezers that I have and it did seem to work better after that.
The stuff that I could see.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, did the guys at the store say it was the drive? if it's the drive, you can't clean it. drives whir like that because they're off balance. your hard drive is sort of like a record player. it spins around and around. now, imagine a record player that wobbles. that's the clicking sound. ....if it's your drive. ultimately, it's a mechanical device, and it will break, eventually. like i said before: i've never actually seen a fan break like that. i can see how it's theoretically possible, but if that's what's going on it's the first time i've ever actually heard of it. more likely is that if your fan is misbehaving then it's getting jolted by a misbehaving power supply (power surges, basically).
mom
The guy just didn't know...He said the fans had the right whatever they are(I forget what they are?)...Could there be dust and dirt collected on them at all?
I pulled out a whole wad of crap...dusty piles of fibers or something from some of my fuzzy blankets or something...there was even some dried old tobacco that was attached as well.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, sure, they could collect crap, but i couldn't see it creating that kind of clicking. but, i mean, it seems possible in the abstract. 98% of the time, though, when a laptop clicks and whirs, it's the drive.
mom
Well... I guess eventually I will be looking at buying a new one then...Unless, I bring it into the mac group and see what they may do.
ok, i responded
mom
K...I'm off the phone with her now. How are you?
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm ok. was fighting with my hard drive, but it seems to have resolved itself for now at least. i don't know what happened, really. it's not doing the things that hard drives do when they die, leading me to believe it's not really dead, just had a hiccup.
mom
Mine is working good for awhile and then makes very loud noises as well....I took it into apple and they said it was an old dinosaur and they could not service it...told me to just back my stuff up and continue to use it...They tested my fan activity and said my fans were running right....Not sure what it is all about...I am just using it and hoping for the best.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i still think it sounds like your drive. i think i may have actually accidentally zapped mine with a jolt of static electricity, because the plates aren't misbehaving. which means it could be fine or could be waiting to implode. but the guy is right - back your data up. it's a shame they won't just put a new drive in it. that's kind of jerky.
mom
Well, there is another place...The Mac Group, where I bought it from in the first place that I could bring it into and I think they would actually service it. I only have pics on it...I did put them onto a couple of usb sticks.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, if your drive is dying, you're either going to need a new drive or a new laptop. the electronics industry is so wasteful. people just buy new computers when a part breaks, it's craziness, really.
mom
It seems such a waste...I have so much space on mine...I have hardly used any at all...Do you think it just needs a good cleaning?
I did pull out some dust and crap with some extra long tweezers that I have and it did seem to work better after that.
The stuff that I could see.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, did the guys at the store say it was the drive? if it's the drive, you can't clean it. drives whir like that because they're off balance. your hard drive is sort of like a record player. it spins around and around. now, imagine a record player that wobbles. that's the clicking sound. ....if it's your drive. ultimately, it's a mechanical device, and it will break, eventually. like i said before: i've never actually seen a fan break like that. i can see how it's theoretically possible, but if that's what's going on it's the first time i've ever actually heard of it. more likely is that if your fan is misbehaving then it's getting jolted by a misbehaving power supply (power surges, basically).
mom
The guy just didn't know...He said the fans had the right whatever they are(I forget what they are?)...Could there be dust and dirt collected on them at all?
I pulled out a whole wad of crap...dusty piles of fibers or something from some of my fuzzy blankets or something...there was even some dried old tobacco that was attached as well.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, sure, they could collect crap, but i couldn't see it creating that kind of clicking. but, i mean, it seems possible in the abstract. 98% of the time, though, when a laptop clicks and whirs, it's the drive.
mom
Well... I guess eventually I will be looking at buying a new one then...Unless, I bring it into the mac group and see what they may do.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
re:
from: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother's email address
yeah, it's not bad here, really. well, compared to what i'm used to. those minus thirty lows last week were record setting, here. that was really only a few days, though, and it's back to being pleasant. but, the locals aren't used to even -10 weather. so, for me it's actually a fairly mild winter....highs are around -5 on average...and the big snow storm we got a few days ago will likely be gone in a few days.
there's no plows on the streets, though. four days after the storm, cars were still getting stuck on the main roads. that's how not used to winter this place is.
i'm definitely working on the music. what i'm doing right now is slowly working through my old material, going back to the late 90s. it's taking a little longer than i wanted, but it's something i've been wanting to do for a while. and i'm just about through it. it's up over here if you want to take a listen to some of it:
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
i shouldn't have a problem cashing a check. i'm allowed to claim a certain amount as gifts. that's probably constructed mostly to allow christmas and birthday presents. it would be rather cruel to deny odsp people (many of whom are far more disabled than i, and far more attached to gift-giving than i) of the ability to receive gifts. i don't even think harper would be that cruel. it's income that they track.
...but don't feel obligated. i don't often celebrate holidays. i'd certainly appreciate anything you'd send, but don't feel like you need to.
besides that, things are actually fairly comfortable here. i'm actually pretty content. life is about reading and composing, like i feel it should be.
glad to hear leo's ok. and i hope willy is doing well, too.
j
To: grandmother's email address
yeah, it's not bad here, really. well, compared to what i'm used to. those minus thirty lows last week were record setting, here. that was really only a few days, though, and it's back to being pleasant. but, the locals aren't used to even -10 weather. so, for me it's actually a fairly mild winter....highs are around -5 on average...and the big snow storm we got a few days ago will likely be gone in a few days.
there's no plows on the streets, though. four days after the storm, cars were still getting stuck on the main roads. that's how not used to winter this place is.
i'm definitely working on the music. what i'm doing right now is slowly working through my old material, going back to the late 90s. it's taking a little longer than i wanted, but it's something i've been wanting to do for a while. and i'm just about through it. it's up over here if you want to take a listen to some of it:
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
i shouldn't have a problem cashing a check. i'm allowed to claim a certain amount as gifts. that's probably constructed mostly to allow christmas and birthday presents. it would be rather cruel to deny odsp people (many of whom are far more disabled than i, and far more attached to gift-giving than i) of the ability to receive gifts. i don't even think harper would be that cruel. it's income that they track.
...but don't feel obligated. i don't often celebrate holidays. i'd certainly appreciate anything you'd send, but don't feel like you need to.
besides that, things are actually fairly comfortable here. i'm actually pretty content. life is about reading and composing, like i feel it should be.
glad to hear leo's ok. and i hope willy is doing well, too.
j
mom
Hi J...Did you receive an email from Nanny? She wants to know if you got it around 7pm tonight? She is fretting about computer issues again....lol.
Jessica Amber Murray
i haven't checked my email in a few days. i don't know how i can help her from here. i'll check, though...
ok, no, it's not a computer help email. i got it though, responding...
mom
OK...Good...That's all she wanted to know. I am on the phone with her right now...
Jessica Amber Murray
she put the entire email in the subject line. i'm laughing my ass off.
mom
LOL....
LOL....I am explaining to her what she did...lol....Not sure she understands though...lol...She was wondering why it seemed to disappear....lol....She is laughing now too...she wants you to answer her back right now.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, well, it's going to take a few minutes to type it.
mom
K
Hi J...Did you receive an email from Nanny? She wants to know if you got it around 7pm tonight? She is fretting about computer issues again....lol.
Jessica Amber Murray
i haven't checked my email in a few days. i don't know how i can help her from here. i'll check, though...
ok, no, it's not a computer help email. i got it though, responding...
mom
OK...Good...That's all she wanted to know. I am on the phone with her right now...
Jessica Amber Murray
she put the entire email in the subject line. i'm laughing my ass off.
mom
LOL....
LOL....I am explaining to her what she did...lol....Not sure she understands though...lol...She was wondering why it seemed to disappear....lol....She is laughing now too...she wants you to answer her back right now.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, well, it's going to take a few minutes to type it.
mom
K
the oldest aunt's wife
just to let you have know your aunt had a heart attack thursday or early friday they put 3 stents in today all went well she is resting comfortable in ottawa heart inst.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm sorry to hear that. i have to ask, though: i've been under the impression for quite some time that her heart's health is tenuous. i think she has multiple pacemakers? are the doctors letting on anything about her more general condition after this recent heart attack?
the oldest aunt's wife
the multiple pacemaker was not for that problem all 3 stents are in seen artery have not seen dr he came in just for her or she would have had to wait untill monday
pressure and heart rate was high and worried about more damage
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i wish her luck and send her best wishes! let me know if you hear more info, please.
the oldest aunt's wife
sure well
just to let you have know your aunt had a heart attack thursday or early friday they put 3 stents in today all went well she is resting comfortable in ottawa heart inst.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm sorry to hear that. i have to ask, though: i've been under the impression for quite some time that her heart's health is tenuous. i think she has multiple pacemakers? are the doctors letting on anything about her more general condition after this recent heart attack?
the oldest aunt's wife
the multiple pacemaker was not for that problem all 3 stents are in seen artery have not seen dr he came in just for her or she would have had to wait untill monday
pressure and heart rate was high and worried about more damage
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i wish her luck and send her best wishes! let me know if you hear more info, please.
the oldest aunt's wife
sure well
hi j; I haven't heard from you for ages! how are you doing?We are having the worst weather I can remember, I guess you are too.All is well here Leo is back to normal working 12 hour days again,but that is what he likes to do.Are you doing your music as you had hoped when you moved there?I think of you often & miss you even though we had our differences sometimes.Will you have trouble cashing a cheque as I would like to send you one for your birthday on the 13th, take care & let me know.luv nanny. .ahve
From: grandmother's email address
To: jessica murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: jessica murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
yeah. back on the modern laptop....
i may be on borrowed time. the bios hard drive test is still faulting. but the windows tools disagree. i dunno. i'm hesitant to take the bios tests completely seriously. i mean, here i am. i want to believe it was just the mbr that got corrupted and i fucked up the recovery through impatience. so, the bios is finding a few bad sectors. meh. i'm surprised it's not redirecting me to the company's website, because that's what it's probably about.
regardless, what i really wanted was to get some data off and it's on the way off. now, whatever happens happens.
...but why is windows so stupid? i should have just downloaded imgburn. instead, i'm stuck waiting for it to copy 200,000 files to a temporary directory or something. why does it need to copy to a temporary directory to burn a fucking dvd?
...and, while i'm at it, why won't it let me copy jpgs to my mp3 player? because it's an mp3 player? fucking derp. it's not even an ipod, it's a sansa. i was trying specifically to avoid stupid fucking apple bullshit.
xp forever, baby. if i ever actually buy another laptop, it's coming with xp on it. this windows-trying-to-be-osx shit is revolting to me. alas, the bios on this thing will not allow xp on it. *sigh*.
i didn't lose anything important in this process. i lost my hundreds of open tabs. reading i'd put aside. bands to check out. that's an annoyance and not a catastrophe. i don't like it, but i'll survive.
i have a lot of catching up to do, though. just an excuse to listen to some music...
it's just still not whirring or clicking or anything. it just doesn't add up.
i may be on borrowed time. the bios hard drive test is still faulting. but the windows tools disagree. i dunno. i'm hesitant to take the bios tests completely seriously. i mean, here i am. i want to believe it was just the mbr that got corrupted and i fucked up the recovery through impatience. so, the bios is finding a few bad sectors. meh. i'm surprised it's not redirecting me to the company's website, because that's what it's probably about.
regardless, what i really wanted was to get some data off and it's on the way off. now, whatever happens happens.
...but why is windows so stupid? i should have just downloaded imgburn. instead, i'm stuck waiting for it to copy 200,000 files to a temporary directory or something. why does it need to copy to a temporary directory to burn a fucking dvd?
...and, while i'm at it, why won't it let me copy jpgs to my mp3 player? because it's an mp3 player? fucking derp. it's not even an ipod, it's a sansa. i was trying specifically to avoid stupid fucking apple bullshit.
xp forever, baby. if i ever actually buy another laptop, it's coming with xp on it. this windows-trying-to-be-osx shit is revolting to me. alas, the bios on this thing will not allow xp on it. *sigh*.
i didn't lose anything important in this process. i lost my hundreds of open tabs. reading i'd put aside. bands to check out. that's an annoyance and not a catastrophe. i don't like it, but i'll survive.
i have a lot of catching up to do, though. just an excuse to listen to some music...
it's just still not whirring or clicking or anything. it just doesn't add up.
yeah. no, it's cooked. i guess it got wiped with the file table. grargh. oh well..
it's back up, though. installing drivers, should be back online soon. oddly, though, i'm going to need to keep using this old laptop to upload files to bandcamp until i can get another usb key....which shouldn't be too long...early february....
it's back up, though. installing drivers, should be back online soon. oddly, though, i'm going to need to keep using this old laptop to upload files to bandcamp until i can get another usb key....which shouldn't be too long...early february....
well, the data drive is now mounting after a
chkdsk. thankfully. the data is there and completely safe. i'm going to
need to back a few things up more carefully. i should have done that
some time ago, really. but windows 7 doesn't like my external hds
(there's no reason for this, btw, it seems like a corporate side deal -
the drive works perfectly fine in xp and even vista). so i'll have to
wait until it gets back up.
the os drive got wiped in the attempted reinstall. i should have known that was going to happen. i did vista support. they taught us that. but note that xp wouldn't have wiped the drive like that, and i'm still in an xp world. i still have xp running on all my pcs and would honestly install it on the laptops if the bios would allow it (that's some fucking proprietary bullshit, but you take what you get with free laptops). there are reasons they switched to an image-based install, and some of them make good sense, but they should have retained the functionality of a straight-over reinstall. this is why windows users fucking hate macs. give me back my user control! let me install what i want! how i want! and, ultimately, the start-up utility failed, guys. you'll point to that as a reason to move to image-based installs without losing the benefit of a copy over reinstall, but it didn't work. i would have been nice to not lose the entire partition.
but i'll blame myself. i was being impatient, and impulsive. i should have known that was going to happen...
regardless, it wiped the partition table, so i had no option but to reformat it. and the chkdsk is running quickly through the "empty" drive. meaning my initial intuition of a fucked file system (rather than a fucked drive) seems to have been correct.
if i'm lucky, i might be able to salvage the open tabs by running restoration programs. formats don't delete data. it might still be accessible. and that's actually all i've lost. it's substantial, though: hundreds of tabs. articles. records. more than that, just flat out ordered tasks. everything else is on the data drive. now, how to get a fresh install of firefox to load that information is another question, and is going to be an experiment. i don't know the answer to this. i know the information is stored somewhere on the drive rather than solely in ram, but how to salvage it i don't know. let's hope i can get it at all to start off with....
overall, though, it's more of an annoyance than a catastrophe. lucky. i still don't know how it happened. i'm starting to suspect a power surge, though. i didn't think anything of it at the time, but i had just popped an sd card into the machine when it fizzed out on me. could the static have shorted it?
the os drive got wiped in the attempted reinstall. i should have known that was going to happen. i did vista support. they taught us that. but note that xp wouldn't have wiped the drive like that, and i'm still in an xp world. i still have xp running on all my pcs and would honestly install it on the laptops if the bios would allow it (that's some fucking proprietary bullshit, but you take what you get with free laptops). there are reasons they switched to an image-based install, and some of them make good sense, but they should have retained the functionality of a straight-over reinstall. this is why windows users fucking hate macs. give me back my user control! let me install what i want! how i want! and, ultimately, the start-up utility failed, guys. you'll point to that as a reason to move to image-based installs without losing the benefit of a copy over reinstall, but it didn't work. i would have been nice to not lose the entire partition.
but i'll blame myself. i was being impatient, and impulsive. i should have known that was going to happen...
regardless, it wiped the partition table, so i had no option but to reformat it. and the chkdsk is running quickly through the "empty" drive. meaning my initial intuition of a fucked file system (rather than a fucked drive) seems to have been correct.
if i'm lucky, i might be able to salvage the open tabs by running restoration programs. formats don't delete data. it might still be accessible. and that's actually all i've lost. it's substantial, though: hundreds of tabs. articles. records. more than that, just flat out ordered tasks. everything else is on the data drive. now, how to get a fresh install of firefox to load that information is another question, and is going to be an experiment. i don't know the answer to this. i know the information is stored somewhere on the drive rather than solely in ram, but how to salvage it i don't know. let's hope i can get it at all to start off with....
overall, though, it's more of an annoyance than a catastrophe. lucky. i still don't know how it happened. i'm starting to suspect a power surge, though. i didn't think anything of it at the time, but i had just popped an sd card into the machine when it fizzed out on me. could the static have shorted it?
i
was starting to suspect funny wiring in this room and may be right -
when i switched outlets, the chkdsk completed very quickly on my data
drive and it seems like it's actually ok. why it won't mount is another
question, but i'm starting to think it might be a windows "security"
thing. have to see if i can load it with a linux live disc....
this is the only outlet in the apartment that's not on a surge protector. i'm not giving up yet, though...
i'm getting the impression i may be able to do a sort of blind copy. i mean, i can't read the partition, but i can read that there's data on the partition. if i can read that there's data, there has to be a way to read the data.
this is the only outlet in the apartment that's not on a surge protector. i'm not giving up yet, though...
i'm getting the impression i may be able to do a sort of blind copy. i mean, i can't read the partition, but i can read that there's data on the partition. if i can read that there's data, there has to be a way to read the data.
Friday, January 10, 2014
i didn't feel that arctic air mass come in, but it's leaving the area like a gastric vortex.
if i haven't posted about this here, i have a weird stomach condition that seems to be driven by shifts in atmospheric pressure. it gets really bad when the weather shifts with seasons, i'll point out when the season really starts by noting that i'm writhing in pain, but also during big thunderstorms and other things related to shifts in pressure.
i've talked to a few doctors, and the general consensus is that i'm a raving lunatic. i didn't really need the diagnosis - it's intuitively clear. but so is this daunting correlation....
if i haven't posted about this here, i have a weird stomach condition that seems to be driven by shifts in atmospheric pressure. it gets really bad when the weather shifts with seasons, i'll point out when the season really starts by noting that i'm writhing in pain, but also during big thunderstorms and other things related to shifts in pressure.
i've talked to a few doctors, and the general consensus is that i'm a raving lunatic. i didn't really need the diagnosis - it's intuitively clear. but so is this daunting correlation....
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