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Thursday, October 1, 2020

so, i'm adding three items to the fruit bowl, for now -

1) i thought it was the house 'compliments' brand for breakfast mix that i was looking at, but it was actually a carnation brand item. one of these packets has 21 g of sugar, which is about the same as a banana. this was less than i thought at a higher price than i thought, but i picked it up for now, and we'll see if i stick with it. but, i thought it had d & e, too. did i even get the right one? i'm going to double check next time i'm in there.

2) vector cereal. this should fill in the rest, and actually has less sugar than the breakfast meal. i think i'm more likely to stick with this, but we'll see.

3) i looked through the data when i clarified it, and what i was missing, and realized that an avocado almost perfectly solves the problem. i'm aware of the 6:3 ratio, but i seem to be low on total 6s anyways. i found some for cheap, so i bit. i don't even know if i'm going to even like it....but, it's an idea....let's try it...

this breakfast is now fully nutritionally complete, and i hope it's at minimal cost for things like saturated fat and sugar, although i know i'll need to work that out in the end. that said, i'm not totally happy with it.

i'm still toying with adding something like cranberries to boost total e, but i don't think i'm going to need it. so, i'm overwriting strawberries with avocados.

let's get the breakfast replacement in first, and where does it get me?

i'm in the orange for b1, & the green for b2 & b12....and that is all. it seems minor. but, there just wasn't a complete source, and it was necessary to balance out the cereal. at least for now.

i'm skeptical about this. we'll see.

i bought the three flavour packet but i'm realizing i should avoid the chocolate due to a higher saturated fat count. if i stick with this, i'll go for vanilla or strawberry. the packaging says the vanilla & strawberry have 0.1 g of total fat per package, with 0 saturated and 0 trans. it doesn't specify further. so, i'm going to just ignore it - and put it in the chart with a ~0.

i also misread the packaging. at 40 packages for $7.50, this was economical. at 10 packages for $7.50, it's less so. but, i'm again wondering if i bought the right thing...i could have sworn it said 40 packets initially, and i could have sworn it said "compliments".

it's high in protein, but that doesn't actually do anything. i mean, you need the amino acids for proper cellular function, and the rest just gets converted to sugar.

as mentioned, the sugar in the packets isn't bad - it's comparable to a banana. but, i'm going to need to keep an eye on that and it's probably going to be the reason i look for something else.

i checked out the baby food, and it just didn't do it. but, i could always order something if i find the right combo. for now, this is what i'm doing - it made the numbers add up, so i'm trying it.

i'm going to try my first one fairly soon and we'll see what i think...

disclaimer:
i've gone to town with a few things - i'm not making up vitamins but rather filling things in. i mean, there's all these "missing vitamin names". what were they, exactly? it also gives me an excuse to work in a few things like choline that are hard to otherwise define as they are essential in some amount but not technically vitamins.

note that these numbers are scavenged and should be interpreted approximately. that's partly why i'm aiming to overshoot on most of it.

	fruit bowl (08:00)								pasta salad bowl (00:00)								fried eggs (16:00)							coffee
	ban ana 28" 2 136 g	avo cado 1	kiwi 2* 75 g	soy milk 250 ml	cher ry ice cream 200 ml	break fast esstls van straw 1 pckt 40 g	vector fort cereal 55 g	sum	red pep per 3"x4" 175 g	dur um wht fet 100 g + h20	med ched chse 60 g	carrot 8" 72 g	hulled hemp seed 10 g	yog dress or canola oil caesar (for e)	nut. yeast 1 tsp	sum	fried eggs 2*70g	med ched cheese 30 g	marg. 2 tbsp	whole wheat bread with germ + flax (1 slice) (37 g)	meat rep. ??	juice type 250 ml	sum	brew coffee 700 ml	soy choc 100 ml	sum	total
a (fat sol)	4	0	2	10	13	50	-	79 ret:73 car:6	103	1	30	241	0	-	-	375 ret:30 car:345	21	15	10	0	-	-	46 ret:46 car:0	0	4	4 ret:4 car:0	504 ret:153 car:351
b1 thiamin	6	2	2	8	5	50	-	71	6	84	1	3	11	-	106	211	6	.5	0	10.5	-	-	17	8	3	11	310
b2 [g, j] riboflavin	12	1	2	25	10	60	-	109	8	41	13	2	2	-	95	161	42	6.5	0	3	-	-	51.5	32	10	42	363.5
b3 niacin	10	2	2	10	1	25	-	48 nat:13 fort:35	8	66	0	4	6	-	47	131 nat:18 fort:113	1	0	0	6.5	-	-	7.5 nat:1 fort:6.5	8	4	12 nat:8 fort:4	198.5 nat:40 fort:158.5
b4* adenine (mg)	3.26	~~0.375~~	0.6	19.3	0.9735	-	-	24.1335	27.825	4	-	-	-	-	-	-	3.36	-	0	4.27	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b5 pantothenic acid	10	2	2	15	5	8	-	40	5	8.5	2.5	2	1	-	2	21	21	1	0	5	-	-	27	20	4	24	112
b6 pyridoxine	50	2	4	6	1	4	-	65	24	7	2.5	5	3.5		80	122	12	1	0	3.5	-	-	16.5	0	2	2	205.5
b7 [h] biotin (rdi: 35 mcg)	20	~~2.5~~	?	30	1	0	-	51	16.5	1	3	12	8	-	-	40.5	65	1.5	13	3	-	-	82.5	?	12	12	186
b8* inositol (mg) (myo or lipid)	20	10	204	25	5	0	-	254	99.75	70.27	-	-	-	-	-	-	6.3	-	16	50	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b9 [m, b11, r] folic acid	14	~~4.5~~	12	6	1	0	-	33	19	71	3	3	3	-	10	109	18	1.5	0	5	-	-	24.5	4	2	6	172.5
b10* pABA	~0	~0	~0	>0	~0	-	-	0	0	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b12 [t] (cyano) cobalamin	0	0	0	50	20	30	-	100	0	0	8.5	0	0	20+	22	30.5	33	4	0	0	-	-	37	0	20	20	187.5
b13* orotic acid (mg)	~0	~0	~0	~0	20	-	-	20	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b14* taurine (mg)	~0	~0	~0	~0	2	-	-	2	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b15* pangamic acid	~0	~0	~0	0?	~0	-	-	0	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b16* choline	4	1	2	11	5	0	-	22	2	2.5	2	1	-	-	-	7.5	68	1	0	2	-	-	71	3	4.5	7.5	108
b20* [aka I] l-carnitine	~0	~0	~0	~0	5	-	-	5	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
c	40	74	234	4	0	50	-	328	350	0	0	7	0	-	-	357	0	0	0	0	-	100+	100+	0	0	0	785+
d (fat sol)	0	0	0	45	0	0	-	45	0	0	2	0	0	20+	-	2	12	1	30	0	-	-	43	0	18	18	108
e (fat sol)	2	~~1.5~~	20	0	2	0	-	24	13	1	1	2	7	30+	-	24	9	.5	20	1.5	-	30+	31	0	0	0	79
f1* linoleic acid omega-6 (g)	0.1252	~~.09~~	0.374	1.5	.300	~0	-	2.2992	.0738	.540	.3462	.0828	2.87	-	~0	3.9128	3.23	.1731	1.5	.5	-	-	5.4031	~0	.8	.8	12.4151
f2* alphalinoleic acid omega-3 (g)	0.0734	~~.065~~	0.0638	0.2	.200	~0	-	0.5372	.041	.024	.219	.0014	.93	-	~0	1.2154	.228	.1095	.5	.75	-	-	1.5875	~0	.12	.12	3.4601
f1:f2 ratio	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	4.28	-	-	-	-	-	2:1	-	3.22	-	-	-	-	-	-	3.40	-	-	-	3.59
k (fat sol)	2	1	78	5	0	0	-	85	10	1	1	12	0	-	-	24	9	.5	10	.5	-	-	20	0	2	2	131
q1* coenzyme q10 (mg)	0.272	.~~075~~	0.075	.625	.0308	-	-	1.0028	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
q2* pyrrolo quinoline quinone (mu-g)	3.536	?	4.05	.063	.2101	-	-	7.8591	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
s* salicylic acid (mg)	~0	~1	~0.075	~0	~0	-	-	~0.75	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-

* not really.

complete requirements

fat soluble:

- a: 100% of pre-formed + 300% of convertible, total daily. 50% + pre-formed per meal.

- d: 50% + per meal.

- e: 50% + per meal.

- k: should not exceed 100%/meal

water soluble (bs & c):

- 300+% total w/ 100% for each meal

incomplete requirements legend:

>300% without meeting 100%/meal

+75<=100% each meal [=+200%<=300% total]

+50<=75% each meal [=+100<=200% total]

<=50% each meal [<100% total]

specific brands used:
- so nice vanilla soy milk
- chapman's black cherry ice cream

- carnation breakfast essentials variety pack (for now)

- irrestibles brand olive canola oil

- selection brand pasta [metro/food basics]

- dempster's whole grain double flax bread

- black diamond brand medium cheddar cheese

- natura chocolate soy milk

- no specific brand or type of coffee

diet options:

daily:

1) fruit bowl:
- 2 bananas (8")
- 2 kiwis (75 g)
- 200 ml ice cream

- 250 ml soy milk [but double it?]

- 40 g (1 packet) of breakfast essential meal replacement

- 55 g of vector cereal

- 1 avocado
+

~~- strawberries~~ [but, looking for a fruit replacement]
- blueberries
- raspberries

~~- banana peel + soy smoothie~~

~~- red cherries <------------- a~~

- ground cherries <------- ~~a, b1,~~ b3

- rosehips (if locatable) <------------ a, b2, b3, b5, e

- fresh goji berries (if locatable) <------------ a, b1, b2

2) pasta salad bowl:

- 100 g cooked pasta
- one large red pepper

- one large chopped carrot

- 60 g chopped medium cheddar cheese [12 slices]

- 10 g hulled hemp seeds

- yogurt dressing or canola oil caesar dressing

- 1 tsp nutritional yeast

- glass of pasta water

~~- tomatoes~~

- flax seeds (ground!) (probably not)

~~- spirulina~~

~~- tahini~~

~~- macademia nuts~~

~~- croutons~~

~~- tomato powder~~

~~- caesar dressing (very little b1, 35% e?, some a)~~

- one tbsp of imitation bacon bits (isoflavones, maybe_

- 5 g chopped crickets [5 crickets] [b12]

- indoor farmed fish? <----b5, b12

- shittake mushrooms <------b5

- lemon (probably for phytonutrients)
- garlic cloves (probably for phytonutrients)
- oregano & pepper (probably for phytonutrients)

- kalamata olives (probably not necessary for e)

- microwaved/chopped broccoli (probably not, due to k and I3C) <----but, b5

- broccoli leaves or kale or dandelion leaves? (probably not, due to I3C and k)
- red clover (if locatable or foragable, for phytoestrogens)
- alfafa?

- need 65-85% b5, 50-70% b12

3) eggs:
- 2 jumbo fried eggs
- 1 slice of whole wheat bread (including the germ!) with flax
- 2 tbsp olive oil margarine

- 30 g sliced medium cheddar cheese [6 slices]

~~- salami (45 g) (25% b1, 8% b2, 12% b3, 5% b5, 11.5% b6, 0% b9, 20% b12)~~

- rice (100 g) (60% b1, 2% b2, 35% b3, 4% b5, 6% b6, 69% b9)

- soy meat (100% b1, 50-70% b2, 100% b3, 15% b5, 60% b6, 45% b9, 90% b12)
- indoor grown salmon? (50 g) (15% b1, 15% b2, 55% b3, 15% b5, 20% b6, 150% b12) <------can't find

- mushroom sauce (some supplemental b2,/b3/b6, substantive b5)
~~- + apple juice? (1 cup) (100% c)~~

- carrot juice (1 cup) (18% b1, 8% b2

- orange juice (1 cup) (15% b1, 4% b2, 5% b3, 5% b5, 5% b6, 19% b9, 207% c, added e?)

- cranberry juice (unsweetened. need added c, has e)

- tomato juice (likewise)

- need (85 b1, 50 b2, 95 b3, 75 b5, 85 b6, 75 b9, 65 b12)

4) coffee

~ 700 ml [2 mugs] [strong]

- with 100 ml chocolate soy [50 ml/mug]

~~weekly:~~

1) banana peel smoothie:
- 14 banana peels

~~- red pepper seeds from 7 peppers [soak? pre-grind? figure this out.]~~

~~- chocolate soy~~

~~- cherry ice cream~~

~~- strawberry tops~~

==========

the list of everything i need to get.

added are green

13 vitamins:
1) A
2) B1 (thiamine)
3) B2 (riboflavin)
4) B3 (niacin)
5) B5 (pantothenic acid)
6) B6 (pyridoxine)
7) B7 (biotin)

8) B9 (folic acid)
9) B12 (cyano-cobolamin)
10) C
11) D
12) E
13) K

15 amino acids:
1) histidine
2) isoleucine
3) leucine
4) lysine
5) methionine
6) phenylalanine
7) threonine
8) tryptophan
9) valine
10) arginine
11) cysteine
12) glycine
13) glutamine
14) proline
15) tyrosine
+ measure 6 non-essential

4 fatty acids:
1) linoleic acid
2) ala
3) dha
4) epa

23 minerals:
1) calcium
2) phosphorus
3) potassium
4) sulfur
5) sodium
6) chlorine
7) magnesium
8) iron
9) zinc
10) copper
11) manganese
12) iodine
13) selenium
14) molybdenum
15) chromium
16) fluoride
17) bromine
18) cobalt
19) tin
20) vanadium
21) silicon
22) boron
23) nickel
24) lead?

carotenoids (not including pro-vitamin a)
1) lutein
2) zeaxanthin
3) lycopene
4) phytofluene
5) phytoene
6) astaxanthin
7) capsanthin
8) canthaxanthin
9) cryptoxanthin

chlorophyll:
1) chlorophyll a
2) chlorophyll b

other molecules required for proper metabolic functions:
1) choline (cannot synthesize properly)
2) coQ10
3) lipoic acid
4) glutathione precursors
5) ergothioneine (cannot synthesize) <-----mushrooms
6) pyrroloquinoline quinone (PQQ) (cannot synthesize) <-----kiwis
~~7) queuine (cannot synthesize) <-----cheese~~ [made in stomach by bacteria]
8) taurine (cannot synthesize properly) <----cheese

9) betaine (more than a choline precursor?)

glucose:
i'm more concerned about diabetes than weight gain, so...
the glycemic index is:
running total...

fiber:
i don't need many different types, i just need some. i'm not worrying about this.

& water

also, let's measure flavonoids:

anthocyanidins:
1) pelargonidin
2) delphinidin
3) cyanidin
4) malvinidin
5) peonidin
6) petunidin
7) rosinidin

flavonols:
1) isorhamnetin
2) kaempferol
3) myricetin
4) quercetin
5) fisetin
6) kaempferide

flavones:
1) luteolin
2) apigenin
3) techtochrysin
4) baicalein (to avoid!)
5) norwogonin
6) wogonin
7) nobiletin

flavanones:
1) eriodictyol
2) hesperetin
3) naringenin
4) hesperidin
5) isosakuranetin
6) pinocembrin
7) sterubin

isoflavones:
1) daidzein
2) genistein
3) glycitein
4) biochanin A
5) formononetin

i should try to measure some further phytoestrogens:
1) matairesinol
2) secoisolariciresinol
3) pinoresinol
4) lariciresinol

5) coumestrol

& finally, let's also measure:
1) saponins
2) ursolic acid (& precursors)
3) cafestol
4) resveratrol
5) ellagic acid
6) coumarin
7) tyrosol
8) hydroxytyrosol
9) oleocanthal
10) oleuropein
11) gingerol
12) phytic acid

you can think of it like this - a mask is like a kleenex condom. or a sheepskin condom, perhaps. you may want to reduce the risk, but if your condom is worthless, why bother?

if you want to, whatever.

but, if you're out there fucking everybody you see with a sheepskin condom, thinking you're protected, all you're really doing is spreading disease. if you knew better, maybe you'd be less confident - maybe you'd take better precautions, be a little more discriminate.

and, forcing everybody to wear a sheepskin condom when they have sex would be flat out fucking insane.

so, let's repost a couple of things to make them more clear.

1) why do i oppose mask laws?

the answer is that the science simply doesn't uphold them. the science suggests that they're minimally effective, and probably make things worse most of the time, outside of clinical settings. jurisdictions that have mandated mask use with a "business as otherwise usual" approach have seen resurgences. they have their place in medical settings, and other scenarios (such as food preparation) where enhanced levels of cleanliness are necessary. but, there is simply no science at all that upholds the idea that forcing people to wear cloth masks when they go out will make the slightest difference at all - and quite a bit of evidence to the contrary.

2) what do i advocate as the correct public policy?

mask use should be voluntary, and health officials should be upfront and honest about their minimal efficacy, in order to prevent complacency. what happened was that the public health officials caved into political pressure; they need to admit they were wrong, and step back from that. the unfolding evidence is fairly clear that complacency around mask use has created more problems than it's solved.

3) who do i refuse to wear a mask?

i actually want to catch the virus, and i'm not sure if i have yet. i don't want to wait for a vaccine that i probably won't take. i want natural immunity, and i want it now.

i suspect i probably already got it, but i won't know until i get an antibody test.

i hope that clarifies the point, for the record.

so, it took me a few hours to store everything, and then i crashed before i wanted to. i got a great deal on gigantic red peppers, and i can't even figure out where to put them. they're all, like, 300 g - and it was $1.29/kg. they were actually cheaper than the tomatoes, which were at $1.99. i could only fit most of them in the fridge in the end, and had to leave a few days of bananas out on the counter.

i got a digital scale for $15, and some measuring cups for $3.00.

the nutritional yeast flakes & hemp seeds were available at the bulk barn. while the vector + meal replacement combo didn't work out as hoped, i was able to fill it in by adding an avocado - and found some on sale for $0.30 each. canadian. let me look at the numbers - i'm going to try it, and because i'm actually low on the rdi for omega-6, i should be bringing up the 3s. so, maybe i can add some ground flax seeds to the fruit bowl or something.

i couldn't find the kind of yogourt i want, or the kind of dressing i want, but have some time to look for it before i run out of the old stuff. and, while i couldn't find the kind of highly fortified soy burger i wanted , i found a few options that clearly beat the salami, and can be boosted upwards with the yeast.

regarding the juice, i don't seem to need the e anymore and may just stick with the cheapy apple.

so, i've made some tentative choices and need to crunch all of the numbers. i'm going to do this one add at a time to slowly build it up rather than throw it all down.

so the debate consortium, whatever shady group this is, has decided that the debate was unorderly and they need to make changes.

frankly, i found the unstructured format refreshing.

but, if there was a problem, the problem was the moderator, himself - and the thing that should be altered is chris wallace, who should be replaced with somebody else.

i mean, maybe he should call pete up and ask him to get some choice joyce quotes out there.

what i saw was a portrait of an autist as an old man.

again: i can't vote in the united states, but i can't endorse joe biden. go vote for howie hawkins.

the moderators need to be much more specific around this line of thinking in the future - if they want trump (or biden.) to condemn a specific group, they need to make it clear what specific group that actually is.

hesitation around condemning blanket ideas is a reasonable level of caution, and trying to misconstrue that hesitation around condemning a blanket idea as support for any specific group is irresponsible media.

to use a term i've only ever used ironically, it really truly is fake news.

the headlines around the debate are that trump failed to denounce "white supremacism" (whatever that even means.), and it's kind of typical of the media coverage around him over a long period of time.

there's this persistent media slant that trump is a closet nazi. it goes back years and years.

but, the actual reality is that trump doesn't know who these groups even are. if presented with a list of christian charities and white supremacist groups, he wouldn't know which was which. he's consistently hesitated to attack these groups, for the simple reason that he just doesn't know who or what they are.

trump made it clear enough that he was willing to condemn any specific group if presented with one, but the moderator failed to do it. he expected trump to know who the white supremacist groups on the ground actually were, and the truth is that he simply didn't. and, i can empathize to an extent, because i couldn't identify any of these groups by name either, and i might be hesitant to condemn something that i just don't know anything about, as well.

the truth is that you could very easily trick me into condemning a fairly timid christian aid group as a white supremacist group if i wasn't careful about it, as i really wouldn't know the difference, off of the top of my head. now, i'm not the president; maybe he should know who these groups are. but, he's made it clear on repeated occasions that he really just doesn't know who they are at all.

so, this idea that trump "failed to denounce white supremacism" should fail a fact check and be given a rating of a heaping pile of baloney or whatever other facile thing you want to say; instead, the media is blaring it everywhere, as it does.

he was, however, right to point out that the premise of the question was flawed - the violence in these regions was created primarily by black activists, and not by white supremacists, who came into the region afterwards as vigilante groups. now, i'm not justifying any of the violence that occurred; i'm not in any way in support of vigilante justice. but, the facts are what they are, and they are that the root of the problem is with the black militias (who initiated) and not with the white militias (who reacted).

biden's lines about how his kid wasn't a loser, or how he was an itty bitty cathowic boy, likewise came off as utterly pathetic. if he was trying to stir some kind of empathy, it completely failed. i'm supposed to feel bad about his murderous piece of shit son? yes, joe - your son was a loser, and you're a loser, too. or react with anything but scorn to his catholicism, which is one of the most horribly oppressive systems of thought ever invented in the history of the world? like, get real.

i don't have a lot of positive things to say about trump, except that it sort of felt good to watch him lace into biden like that - when trump landed hits, they felt right, even if his positions felt wrong, and, when biden reacted, i just wanted to tell him to shut up and go home.

i realize that i may be reflecting the fact that i really have a strong level of deep-seated hate directed at joe biden. as much as i dislike trump, i legitimately hate biden and everything he represents and everything he stands for.

but, i'm not retreating from my position that trump completely destroyed him in the debate, even if the country is too stupid to realize it, in the end.

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

i got a huge amount of grocery shopping done today, and will need to crunch numbers in various ideas i've gone with.

it's similar, but not fully what i expected.

i need a short nap, just right now.

actually, i think ontario will probably see closer to 2,000 cases/day be mid october.

i'll test for antibodies when it's available.

for right now, i actually don't want you to know if i've contracted the virus or not; that's personal data. i certainly don't want the government to know about it.

sorry.

this brings up piles of civil rights issues.

i don't want to enter a room with a device of this sort. i do not consent.

https://globalnews.ca/news/7367826/coronavirus-biocloud-detect-virus-in-air/

i've watched the first two segments of this debate, and trump is just completely demolishing him.

i don't really want to carefully analyze this, as they're both too terrible to really bother with. but, in terms of personality, trump wins the debate, no contest.

so, is my psyche trying to tell me i'm overwhelmingly attracted to noam chomsky?

hardly.

rather, whatever is happening in my body is happening outside of any psychological control, at all. if i can't suppress the male hormones, they're going to run their course - but that doesn't mean i'm going to enjoy it, or really react to it at all.

maybe a better comparison is to an insulin shot. you don't fantasize about proper sugar-regulation; it just happens whether you like it or not.

and, because i just don't purposefully masturbate at all, or think about sex in much of any way, what's happening - and appears set to continue to happen - is just random, uncontrollable, unwanted spontaneous orgasms.

so, i'll be sitting there reading about ancient history, and just randomly orgasm.

i have a good sense of humour, and i'm sure i'll find a way to be ironic about it. but, i really wish it would just stop.

i was able to pick up my meds today without incidence. it's at the lower dosage of 100 mg/day, at least until i can find an illegal source to supplement with. but, i'm not without - even if this dosage is really barely working.

and, i had a "sex dream" when i got home. and, i'm going to tell you about it to demonstrate the point, which is that i just don't have sexual fantasies, except to completely eliminate my sexuality altogether.

so, the sex dream was a chomsky lecture. really. what i was dreaming about was sitting in a classroom, listening to chomsky speak.

and, then i had to run to the bathroom to stop myself from cumming in my pants.

and, then i woke up.

and then i fell back to sleep. and that is all.

i don't actually ejaculate - i can't produce semen. but, this is just one example of a larger pattern - my body chemistry is changing in ways that i don't like, but i'm not associating those changes with sexual pleasure. rather, i'm interpreting it more like a type of bodily excretion - like urinating, or shitting. you have to shit sometimes, but you don't fantasize about it.

i just won't them cut out asap. ugh.

i need to be clear: i don't want any human contact during this period. please avoid talking to me.

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

it seems to be back to not broadcasting posts that include links, which is bizarre. and, i wonder if that has something more to do with some kind of financial thing than anything else.

again: i don't have ads in this space. at all. and, i would resist attempts to force them on me from the top down. i don't make any money from this, in any way. i am not "profiting off of the work of journalists".

rather, what i'm doing is critical analysis of their journalism - i am taking their writing, and deconstructing it. i'm often fact-checking it, debunking it, analyzing it, etc. and, i'm providing it as a public service, with no intent to profit (at least not directly) from it for three reasons: (1) to draw attention to myself, as a musician, (2) as public education and (3) for fun. at the end of the day, i do this because i enjoy it.

so, if there's some claims regarding copyright, i really need to reject them - this isn't a product, to begin with. it's really just the literal definition of free speech, with almost no other point to it. it's a lecture without much of an audience, but should be seen from that filter of analysis more than anything else.

so, to suggest that i'm breaking copyright by sharing links and analyzing them is utterly ridiculous. nor should the writers of the articles have some claim to the right to decide whether i can analyze their writing or not. that's absurd.

but, i ultimately really don't know why some posts are broadcast and others aren't.

that said - and i've been over this a few times - the only reason i even know what's broadcast and what isn't is that i'm trying to archive the writing in my email. i wouldn't even know what they're stopping from broadcasting, otherwise - and i only care because i want as complete a record, for myself, as is possible.

so, i don't know why you won't broadcast outside links, but i need you to reverse that policy. thanks.

i missed this....

while indigenous law in the states may be a little less developed than it is in canada, the basis of the case appears to be rooted in british imperial law. and, gorsuch' ruling is not all that surprising, when put in context - he's simply asserting the supremacy of congress, as you would expect him to, as a staunch conservative.

but, i can't help but observe that the ruling is essentially rooted in an oversight.

there's an opportunity, here, for america to address what chomsky has called the country's "original sin". yes - maybe, the basis of the ruling is that congress forgot to extinguish the treaty. but, that doesn't mean that congress can't embrace that mistake, and seek to build on it as a new beginning.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/07/mcgirt-case-historic-win-tribes/614071/

due to how weak this virus is, this is probably even a better idea than a vaccine, for the people that need a vaccine the most.

https://www.ctvnews.ca/health/coronavirus/early-data-shows-promising-results-from-regeneron-s-antibody-cocktail-for-coronavirus-1.5125258

"i am not a...."

(the upset professional, at this point, makes a mild gulp sound)

"...turkey."

right.

sure you're not.

listen: if it talks like a turkey, and gulps like a turkey...

it seems like this turkey may be cooked, himself.

maybe somebody else should answer questions.

https://www.blogto.com/city/2020/09/ontario-chief-medical-officer-health-reminds-not-undercook-turkey-thanksgiving-risks/

it's times like this, though, that i need to remind you that i'm just a dumb primate like the rest of you.

a saviour machine, i am not.

i might, though. careful.

we need them to present a budget before they can have their majority back, dammit.

actually, i think that ford's decision to focus primarily on the senior care facilities is the right decision to make.

i need to call on people with other high risk factors, like diabetes or ms, to be very careful.

but, the logic is crystal clear: what you do outside of these homes doesn't really matter, in terms of affecting death rates. if you want to prevent them from dying, you have no choice but to be strict - and so long as you are strict with the homes, nothing else really matters.

so, they probably overreacted by mandating shutting down the bars early to scapegoat the sinners, and they probably won't undo it. but, at least they're doing the one thing that actually matters, which is doing everything possible to protect the seniors.

calling elizabeth may...

calling..

calling...

we can't have an election until we see a fucking budget. can we make sure everybody gets that? thanks.

the liberals could, of course, just say "fuck it. we're having an election.", but canadians tend to punish sitting governments when they do shit like that.

so, the way this is done in our system of government is that they purposefully present a bill the opposition can't support, then blame it on the opposition when they don't support it.

this particular bill was crafted with large amounts of input from the ndp, so it should pass - unless the liberals change it at the last minute, which is always possible.

but, what they're signalling is that the next one won't be so collaborative, and they're trying to lose support of the ndp.

the ndp has to eat it - for a while, until they get a budget. well, unless it's so bad they can campaign on it, i guess.

coming out and stating "this is a confidence matter" is really putting all their cards on the table, though.

i'm not sure how smart that is - they're not going to be able to play stupid, or be sly, after that.

it's a pretty clear signal that they're trying to trigger an election, and the context they're doing it in is really pretty daft.

i mean, if this bill doesn't pass, a lot of people are going to end up pretty screwed, pretty fast and they're going to have to go out there and explain why they shut down parliament for a month, then triggered an election instead of getting through the proper spending.

they obviously miscalculated and had to scramble to undo it. and, now what? well, that's the hard part. but, coming out and being obvious about it was kind of dumb....

if naive jagmeet singh didn't clearly see what was happening before, he should surely see it clearly, now, and adjust to realize that the liberals actually want these bills to fail, and to trigger an election.

so, as i stated before, the trick seems to be that they want to trigger an election before they present a budget, because it's going to be an austerity budget.

the ndp needs to prop them up until they get there - but the liberals are going to find ways to try and engineer their own defeat.

as increasingly difficult as it may be, they'll have to hold to it.

https://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/liberals-declare-confidence-vote-on-new-covid-19-benefits-1.5124677

nobody cares about old people whining on twitter about the corrupted youth.

...especially not the young people.

so, if it's supposed to be some kind of informal social control mechanism, you need to rethink that.

why don't you go to the platforms the kids use and see what they're posting about masks?

and, then there's twitter, right?

don't get me started on the fucking idiots that post on twitter. twits is right - nitwits.

but, why exactly is it that the msm thinks twitter is so fucking important, given that nobody under 40 uses it at all?

do you what twitter actually is? it's a circle jerk for whiny old people, to complain about the nihilism of the younger generation. kids nowadays, huh?

and, that's fine - old people deserve a space to jerk off on each other and complain about the youth, if they want.

i just really wish the msm would stop pretending twitter is relevant, because it isn't.

i don't see anything political about getting body art, and don't see any legal reason why he shouldn't be allowed to teach.

i would argue he should be proactive in ensuring that kids that don't like it are transferred to other classes, though.

https://nationalpost.com/news/teacher-says-his-tattoos-and-surgically-blackened-eyes-cost-him-his-job

and, i mean, there's something to say about ideal female body types here, too.

i'm from the kate moss & paris hilton generation, where women were stick thin and had athletic/muscular builds. that's the kind of body i want - small breasted, strong armed, toned-legged...

i don't want to look like a porn star or be some dude's wet dream, because this isn't about that inverted fantasy, like it is with so many of the transvestite-type transwomen. i want to be fit & strong, with relatively muted curves.

i understand that your stereotypical tranny wants to maximize feminization and minimize demasculinization, and it's largely because what they're really doing is carrying through with their own inverted male fantasies.

that's not me - i'm the opposite of that.

what i want is to maximize my demasculinization while moderating my feminization - or at least for now. and the reason is that, for me, this is more about suppressing my sexuality altogether than it is about carrying through with these inverted fantasies, that i don't actually have.

it's been hard to get that point across, because i'm supposed to be option (a) and am looked down upon as "not really trans" if i'm not all about embracing being a disgusting slut. this is supposed to be about sex, and nobody really likes it or really knows what to do when they bump into people where it isn't about sex.

but, i prefer the older literature that explicitly separated between transvestites (gay or straight men that basically cross-dress to get off) and transwomen (who tend to lean towards asexuality, and don't really demonstrate much of any kind of sexualized behaviour at all). that separation has really broken down, to the point that what used to be called a transvestite is now seen as a transsexual, and what used to be called a transsexual is seen....is just seen as a loser that can't be helped.

the bottom line is that i want my testosterone cut first. that's my prerogative. that's what i'm fighting for. boosting my estrogen isn't going to make me happier, if i can't get my testosterone down - i'm just going to end up crying in my apartment, with carrots rammed up my ass.

i made a very clear, purposeful, conscious decision to never use my penis ever again.

that was a long time ago, now, and i've held to it.

i have no desire, intention or expectation of undoing that decision.

so, i had a slightly frustrating day and it's probably just going to get worse. i need to focus on getting some more t-blockers before noon...

i think i mentioned that i sent a fax to the endocrinologist on thursday asking for him to send a fax to my doctor giving him the ok to boost the cyproterone to 200 mg. the fax was very detailed and very clear, laying out the situation as it exists and clarifying the science as it actually is. he called me on his own time, a little after 16:00 - which just verifies that i'm a good essayist, but i knew that. his response was something not dissimilar to what the doctor himself said, although he filled in the detail that cyproterone may be linked to temporary abscesses in the brain at high doses, which struck me as obscure. but, regardless, if it were up to me entirely, i'd rather die of brain cancer than be forced to exist as a male - that's a risk i'll happily accept. but, he wouldn't do it...

his position was that my testosterone was not too high, as it was in the low end of the normal female reference range, but that my estrogen was perhaps too low, as it was at the bottom of the potential female reference range. really, it's my total hormone level that seemed low. so, he suggested i move to estrogen injections, which i'm not interested in due to the mood swings.

but, it's not the reason i contacted him - i'm not trying to increase my feminization, i'm trying to maximize my demasculinization. and, these are related but different concepts, when you're accepting female hormones and still stuck with an essentially male physiology. they work together, when you want a full transition, as i do. but, they're independent for a lot of trans people, in real life - who do seek to maximize feminization without really fully demasculinizing, as that allows them to continue having sex (which i don't want to do at all).

i don't want that, though, remotely. at all.

really, if i wanted to keep the penis, i'd hit the gym and become a gay man. the whole point of this is to not do that, because it's not really what i want.

so, what's the use of boosting my estrogen if i can't get my testosterone down? the potential outcome - a sexually arousable transsexual person - is a premise i actually find kind of disgusting. if i have to make a choice, i'd rather have low estrogen and zero testosterone than high estrogen and mid-range testosterone. i don't want to be fully passable and still be able to get an erection - i want to get rid of the penis, entirely, first, and then focus on the total feminization.

so, my basic position is that, if i can't get rid of my penis first, i don't really want to transition, anyways - i don't want to exist in this creepy middle point where i'm having sexual arousal concerns in between genders. yuck. i'd rather just be gay.

i don't identify as a transvestite or a drag queen or a transsexual. i'm a straight woman. when i fantasize about having sex, as rare as it is, i fantasize about having vaginal sex with straight men. there is none of this weird, creepy, in-between shit in there at all. there never was.

and, it is at the root cause of why i decided over ten years ago that i would not have sex until after the operation - and why i haven't had sex, at all, since then.

stated differently, i don't really want to draw too much sexual attention to myself until after i've gotten rid of my penis. i don't want that to be an option for potential sexual partners to request; i want it off the table, so i don't have to deal with it.

so, boosting my estrogen levels is not what i want, at this time. what i want at this time is a complete eradication of any lingering sexual activity in my testes. i don't want a tit job; what i want is castration.

so, he couched it in different language, but my perception was he basically didn't get it, in the same way my family doctor didn't get it. he didn't seem to want to facilitate my desire for total testosterone annihilation, because he seemed to think he knows what i want better than i do, despite having spoken to me for a total of five minutes. he seemed to think i'd be happier in this gross in-between role, and just ignored me when i insisted otherwise.

when i told him that the safety data sheet said the maximum dosage was 300 and i'm only asking for 200, he just said "but, you don't need it.". clearly, i do need it. so, he was full of shit, and just trying to stop me from castrating myself.

and, this is beyond stupid, because when i tell you "i don't want this", i mean it. and, we're just going to frustrate each other until i get what i want, in the end.

there was an upside to this, which is that he was able to direct me to a surgeon in windsor that will do the operation for me. i have funding. so, i sent that fax to my family doctor, and i hope he gets a quick response. i'd rather get the operation than boost the dosage - my initial concern, after all, was the longterm effects of heavy cyproterone use on my liver.

once i get the testicles removed, we can look at boosting estrogen levels, from there - so that i'm not in this weird, gross middle point that i don't want to be in, at all.

for right now, i need to call the pharmacy and see what i can and can't get. i was able to renew the rx over the phone last night, but i don't know if that's legit or not. it may be as easy as picking it up in a few hours. i'll have to call to get clearer information.

Thank you for reaching out to us with your inquiry regarding the Vitamins in our Dempster’s 100% Wholegrains Double Flax bread. We have been able to verify the following contents for you:

Vitamin E - 0.5 mg (3% Daily Value)

Vitamin B5 - 0.5 mg (10% Daily Value)

Vitamin B6 - 0.125 mg (7% Daily Value)

Vitamin B7 - 1 mcg (3% Daily Value)

Vitamin K - 0.4 mcg (1% Daily Value)

Vitamin B12 - 0 mcg (0% Daily Value)

Vitamin D - 0 mcg (0% Daily Value)

We would like to mention that some of these figures could be slightly different as we do not require that our ingredients suppliers provide us with a full nutritional breakdown.

that would appear to be for two slices, meaning this flax bread is a "whole grain" bread rather than a "whole wheat" bread. well, let's compare then.

ww v flax

b1 - 7.5 v 10.5

b2 - 3

b3 - 12.5 v 6.5

b5 - 4 v 5

b6 - 3 v 3.5

b7 - 9 v 3 <----unclear accuracy

b9 - 2.5 v 5

e - 6 v 1.5

f1 - .161 v .5

f2 - .07 v .75

k - 3 v .5

$ - .125 v .25

the bs are going to come out in the wash.

so, i seem to have made an error with the e, thinking the flax bread was a whole wheat bread, when it's actually a whole grain bread. i don't care about fibre or total calories. so, what's more important, here - a boost in omega-3s or a boost in e?

i think i can recoup the e elsewhere.

the other thing i'm ignoring is the taste which, at the end of the day, is of course important.

after filling in the data more, i think it's the total 3:6 ratio that i ought to be more concerned about. flax is also supposed to lower testosterone, which is what the next post is about. so, i'm going to stick with the flax to at least try it. but, i'm going to need to pick off the seeds, and i'm kind of expecting to go back to the whole wheat, in the end.

for now, i've updated the chart with the new data.

	fruit bowl (08:00)						pasta salad bowl (00:00)								fried eggs (16:00)							coffee
	banana 28" 2 136 g	straw 75 g	kiwi 2* 75 g	soy milk 250 ml	cherry ice cream 200 ml	sum	red pepper 3"x4" 175 g	durum wheat pasta 100 g + water	medium cheddar cheese 60 g	carrot 8" 72 g	hulled hemp seed 10 g	yogurt dress or canola oil caesar (for e)	nut. yeast 1 tsp	sum	fried eggs 2*70g	medium cheddar cheese 30 g	marg. 2 tbsp	whole wheat bread with germ + flax (1 slice) (37 g)	meat rep. ??	juice type 250 ml	sum	brew coffee 700 ml	soy choc 100 ml	sum	total
a (fat sol)	4	0	2	10	13	29 ret:23 car:6	103	1	30	241	0	-	-	375 ret:30 car:345	21	15	10	0	-	-	46 ret:46 car:0	0	4	4 ret:4 car:0	450 ret:103 car:351
b1 thiamin	6	2	2	8	5	21	6	84	1	3	11	-	106	211	6	.5	0	10.5	-	-	17	8	3	11	260
b2 [g, j] riboflavin	12	1	2	25	10	49	8	41	13	2	2	-	95	161	42	6.5	0	3	-	-	51.5	32	10	42	303.5
b3 niacin	10	2	2	10	1	23 nat:13 fort:10	8	66	0	4	6	-	47	131 nat:18 fort:113	1	0	0	6.5	-	-	7.5 nat:1 fort:6.5	8	4	12 nat:8 fort:4	173.5 nat:40 fort:133.5
b4* adenine (mg)	3.26	~~0.375~~	0.6	19.3	0.9735	24.1335	27.825	4	-	-	-	-		-	3.36	-	0	4.27	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b5 pantothenic acid	10	2	2	15	5	32	5	8.5	2.5	2	1	-	2	21	21	1	0	5	-	-	27	20	4	24	104
b6 pyridoxine	50	2	4	6	1	61	24	7	2.5	5	3.5		80	122	12	1	0	3.5	-	-	16.5	0	2	2	201.5
b7 [aka h] biotin (rdi: 35 mcg)	20	~~2.5~~	?	30	1	51	16.5	1	3	12	8	-	-	40.5	65	1.5	13	3	-	-	82.5	?	12	12	186
b8* inositol (mg) (myo or lipid)	20	10	204	25	5	254	99.75	70.27	-	-	-	-	-	-	6.3	-	16	50	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b9 [m, b11, r] folic acid	14	~~4.5~~	12	6	1	33	19	71	3	3	3	-	10	109	18	1.5	0	5	-	-	24.5	4	2	6	172.5
b10* pABA	~0	~0	~0	>0	~0	0	0	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b12 [t] (cyano) cobalamin	0	0	0	50	20	70	0	0	8.5	0	0	20+	22	30.5	33	4	0	0	-	-	37	0	20	20	157.5
b13* orotic acid (mg)	~0	~0	~0	~0	20	20	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b14* taurine (mg)	~0	~0	~0	~0	2	2	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b15* pangamic acid	~0	~0	~0	0?	~0	0	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
b16* choline	4	1	2	11	5	22	2	2.5	2	1	-	-	-	7.5	68	1	0	2	-	-	71	3	4.5	7.5	108
b20* [aka I] l-carnitine	~0	~0	~0	~0	5	5	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
c	40	74	234	4	0	278	350	0	0	7	0	-	-	357	0	0	0	0	-	100+	100+	0	0	0	735+
d (fat sol)	0	0	0	45	0	45	0	0	2	0	0	20+	-	2	12	1	30	0	-	-	43	0	18	18	108
e (fat sol)	2	~~1.5~~	20	0	2	24	13	1	1	2	7	30+	-	24	9	.5	20	1.5	-	30+	31	0	0	0	79
f1* linoleic acid omega-6 (g)	0.1252	~~.09~~	0.374	1.5	.300	2.2992	.0738	.540	.3462	.0828	2.87	-	~0	3.9128	3.23	.1731	1.5	.5	-	-	5.4031	~0	.8	.8	12.4151
f2* alphalinoleic acid omega-3 (g)	0.0734	~~.065~~	0.0638	0.2	.200	0.5372	.041	.024	.219	.0014	.93	-	~0	1.2154	.228	.1095	.5	.75	-	-	1.5875	~0	.12	.12	3.4601
f1:f2 ratio	-	-	-	-	-	4.28	-	-	-	-	-	2:1	-	3.22	-	-	-	-	-	-	3.40	-	-	-	3.59
k (fat sol)	2	1	78	5	0	85	10	1	1	12	0	-	-	24	9	.5	10	.5	-	-	20	0	2	2	131
q1* coenzyme q10 (mg)	0.272	.~~075~~	0.075	.625	.0308	1.0028	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
q2* pyrrolo quinoline quinone (mu-g)	3.536	?	4.05	.063	.2101	7.8591	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
s* salicylic acid (mg)	~0	~1	~0.075	~0	~0	~0.75	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-