so, they decided to make the forms due on my birthday. aren't they sweet....

if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.

i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.

i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.

i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.

kind of cold to hitch, though.

no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.

i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.

like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.

i suppose i can try another shrink, but....

i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".

"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.

i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...

she's in tuesday mornings...

guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...

i'm just going to have to level with them.

i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.

the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.

in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.

90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....