so, what i've done is start at the beginning and, whenever i see a thread in one of the blogs, have noted it, with the hope of maintaining consistency and completeness, godel be damned. the blogs will each morph, now, to better fit these threads.

this should help everybody understand the differences between these blogs, which i'm only beginning to fully grasp, myself.

politics - general blog with a focus on current events:
- life narrative. feelings. events. reflections. dialogues. stories.
- essays. rants. comments. short stories, notes, reactions to quotes.
- philosophical reflections
- political activism
- lectures exclusive
- debates
- news reports exclusive (except sarcasm)
- mathematical & scientific analysis, of varying levels
- historical analysis
- cultural analysis
- economic analysis
- legal analysis
- thoughts on geopolitics & current events
- blogs of any sort, really
- any excerpts of existing texts
- anything published to the appspot site, including cd reviews, concert reviews & music web
- food blog
- all official music releases (including music videos)
- some extra discussions outside of the main narrative
- persies
- benchmark discs
- reviews of substantive influences in real time
- concerts
- headphones
- posts about isps & network topology
- installation files & scripts
- posts about non-musical celebrities, and about some newsworthy musical celebrities
- theory of art sequence
- other youtube videos posted and/or commentary around them should have some kind of relevance to one of these categories
- general commentary about web pages and their uses (with personal use commentary, too)

music journal - personal reflections on the process of writing and recording music, including full documentation when possible:
- life narrative. feelings, events. reflections. dialogues.
- studio narrative
- cover art
- all official music releases
- damaged cds are part of the narrative.
- computer troubleshooting is a part of the narrative
- cleaning the studio. scripting machines.
- benchmark discs / obligatory influentials / comment threads about influences
- reviews of new records by selected artists that are of specific historical influence
- rap news series
- some obituaries of direct or indirect influences
- no appspot reviews, but reviews of new music affecting me as i'm recording.
- concerts
- persies
- headphones
- installation files & files created when recording
- posts about isps & network topology (ends after getting isp access)
- posts about personal social media sites
- posts about music theory or music history or music as any other academic interest
- posts about music production, gear, equipment, etc
- posts about the guitar, the development of the guitar, guitar music history, specific guitarists, etc
- comments where i drop my own music
- comments where i present biographical information in a way that is relevant to understanding my influences and development as an artist
- theory of art sequence
- concepts that relate to topics explored in songs
- some excerpts of existing texts as they are relevant to art or my artistic development
- discussions with people inquiring about the music

dtk - general media commentary in it's fullest abstraction:
- any posts containing music videos of any sort
- any youtube videos or comments around videos except those that are considered official new sources
- tv show & film excerpts

- anything about ads
- news source allowed for light content or content about music or media criticism
- interviews with musicians or authors, but not speeches or lectures, or news reports.
- posts with pictures or comments on pop culture or music, broadly, including pop culture authors (interpret broadly)

- comments about popular authors or philosophers, or that cite them, and my own views on well known philosophical concerns or scientific theories.

- atheist & anti-religionist posts + pro-pagan posts (this is considered literature related).

- posts about history in theoretical or broad terms (this is considered literature related)

- posts about freedom of speech and artistic integrity 

- climate change posts in any generality (literature related)

- media commentary & criticism
- cds, cd reviews, cd collections, etc
- anything posted to the appspot site as a review
- music web
- official original album releases
- spontaneous song lyrics
- minimal personal commentary (almost none).
- no persies, except profile updates.
- gaming exclusive
- posts about isps & network topology

- posts about document presentation or programming in general
- any paintings & cover art
- release dates
- animal vids
- general commentary about web pages and their uses (but not personal use commentary)
- headphones sequence
- border stuff because of concerts
- concerts
- not considered official news sources: vice news, fox news.
- posts about music theory or music history or music as any other academic interest
- comments on articles about music and art in any abstraction
- some excerpts of existing texts as they are relevant to art or culture, broadly
- some (usually ironic) self-referential comments about my posting habits

- gen x identity posts

- theory of art sequence

travel - any posts about leaving the house and things done when leaving the house
- posts made to facebook, blogger, etc from somewhere physically outside the house or about things that happened outside of the house
- travel blog needs to be more about action scenes, and less about documenting every time i leave the house. so, actually try to avoid posts that just mention going somewhere, and make it more about the narrative of actually going somewhere.
- should avoid planning posts
- posts about not going out

- should include reflections on travelling or moving
- reflections, interactions or thoughts made while walking
- reflective posts made about the weather in the context of being out
- thoughts about the weather happening outside
- some imaginary traveling, or projecting traveling ideas
- posts about isps & network topology
- persies for going out only
- border stuff because of concerts
- concerts
- posts about time zones
- posts about odsp renewal
- posts about dr's offices
- posts about groceries, nutrition & diet. food blog. garbage posts.
- posts about buying & shipping items online
- initial headphones sequence, as a purchase
- climate change rants that are about the actual weather

- anything about anything about the sun 

- stomach ache & migraine posts. sickness, in general.

- dr office posts & testicle removal posts
- air conditioning posts & posts about inside weather
- posts about neighbourhood cats and other local animal sightings or experiences, including insects and parasites in the house
- quitting smoking posts, marijuana posts, hormones posts, coffee posts, other drug posts [all personal use or reflections]

- reactions to mail
- space travel, electric vehicles & other forms of transportation

- any posts about energy use or electrical costs
- bicycle posts

- personal legal battle posts (because there are adventures, and they relate to travel posts)

- posts about cyber attacks, power outages, illegal entry, etc (because it's adventuresome and relates to the travelling portion & the legal stuff)

- quarantine & covid posts as they relate to the border, to concerts, spread, the curve, etc

- local political activism

- posts about moving in any abstraction

- geography posts

- history posts as they relate to geography (including empire theory sequence)

- genetics posts as they relate to geography

- posts about anybody coming to the door

canada does not have privately owned hospitals.

all hospitals here are public property.

if you're sitting there, quietly refusing to leave, the cops just simply don't have the authority to remove you from a hospital for "trespassing" - just like they wouldn't have the authority to drag you out of a public park, or out of city hall. 

all the cop did was state the trespassing law. she had no idea. there's no case law cited at all.

these cops have, on average, something like a grade 12 education.  they're screened for low intelligence, on top of it. so, it's not some kind of accident - the system is designed to be impenetrable.

but, this is why we have activists, and this is what we do.

so, i got my report from the oiprd on the hospital arrest for trespassing on public property, and the cop doesn't have the slightest idea what she's talking about. again. i'm going to have to write a report explaining that hospitals are public property, and you can't be removed from them, unless you're threatening somebody else, which i was not doing.

the idea that a doctor can just throw me out and have me arrested because i refused to leave is entirely extralegal in this country, and the cops are in no position to offer an opinion on it.

so, i'm going to have to take this to divisional court to fight for access rights to healthcare, as well.

somebody has to do these things...

so, i'm steering clear of the dorian hypothesis at the moment, for the reason that i actually think it makes a lot of sense, even if it needs to be modified a little. early descriptions may have been exaggerated more than wrong. this is otherwise, again, a fairly gentle introduction into something that is probably obscure to most, and i should appreciate it for what it is.

the dorians and the sea peoples were probably one and the same, and the confederacy probably sailed down from the black sea rather than from sardinia, which is probably a false cognate. that the philistines were of greek origin is apparently told in their own histories, and that ought to be enough to more or less put the origin of the sea peoples to rest, even if it doesn't answer the question as to what exactly caused the collapse - which was probably a combination of factors, partially stemming from climate as a root cause.

but, i just again want to try to present the perspective of the poor, and by that i do not mean the urban poor within the empire. the really poor people were of course the barbarians, and that is true throughout history.

the historian gets it's information from the literate, settled culture of which it is a part of. that is always true, nearly by definition. so, it sees history from the perspective of the city and naturally sees the city as a crowning achievement of human civilization.

but, to the person outside the city - the subsistence farmer or the hunter-gatherer - the city is a source of oppression. it is from the city that the slave raiders come, to steal the children and the wives. it is the city that comes to rape and steal and plunder. so, the city becomes a force of evil, one that must be destroyed.

while it seems that the discovery of cheap iron played a major role in the bronze age collapse, i've long believed that the sea peoples were driven more by revenge than by climate. we see this with the viking raids, which were at one point seen as incomprehensible to history, but are now understood as a self-defence mechanism against the expanding colonialism of the christian church, to the north. 

so, might the dorians and their allies have decided to put an end to the slave raiding, to the theft of their children, once and for all - and burned the cities down in an act of vengeance and retributive justice?

we'll never really know.

i ask you this question and present it to you in a specific way, because i fully expect that you don't know that.

did you know that slavery is actually still legal in most of the muslim world, and the slaves are almost entirely african in birth and origin?

it was, after all, this arab slave trade that the spaniards were initially attempting to emulate, partly because there were slave markets in spain at the time of the reconquista.

ok, so i got through the process of making sure i kept track of everything i added to the blogs over the previous rebuilding last month. i need to have some kind of consistency.

next, is to rewind this blog to...let's go back to when i moved into the last apartment, which was december, 2017....and read through it with the intent to understand if anything is missing.

i'd might as well rebuild the other three as i'm doing it.

there's an election in ontario next june. 

i'd actually rather they be distracted by covid-19 than slash and burn everything. so, there's a chance this could actually be a blessing - if we can get rid of them right away.

ford is going to have the opposite logic, in that he's going to want to go into the election by trumpeting a return to normal. his coalition is small businesses and socially conservative immigrants, and they're both going to want these restrictions lifted.

but, for that reason, it makes sense to stay in lockdown through the summer, in the hopes it's gone by the fall - which it won't be.

things might get better in the rural areas before then, but i neither expect the border to open nor windsor to exit lockdown until the fall at the earliest- and probably not the spring, for either.

again: this isn't about science. this is about politics. and, when the politicians tell you it's about science, that's just politics speaking.

so, when are we going to at least see a removal of restrictions in windsor, then?

if you follow the logic coming from the premier's office, the reason we have these restrictions in windsor and sarnia is not due to the situation on the ground but due to the proximity to the border.

toronto will be last out. but, we probably won't be far ahead of them.

while any causal linkage would be dubious at best, if a spike in cases were to follow a border re-opening, the government would be done for.

they can't do it...

don't expect them to.

when do i think it's going to be safe to re-open the border and get back to going to shows?

well, i don't think the science supported cancelling most shows (i'd support canceling something like the dso, because the audience is older), and especially not bar shows, or closing the border in the first place...

so, as this is political, that's the question to ask - when is it going to be politically feasible to risk re-opening the border?

and, this is the shitty answer - after the next election.

i wouldn't expect the border to re-open until the sitting government regains it's majority or is replaced. it's painted itself into a corner, and it can't navigate it's way out. it may even be it's undoing. but, the party's newly sought after fake left base won't allow it to re-open the border until cases in the united states fall to near zero, and that is never going to happen.

the fact is that the number of deaths in this province hovers at around 10-20 per day, which is, in fact, borderline negligible.

so, i just did the dishes this morning, instead.

i was going to get my iron tested tomorrow morning but decided i should wait until i'm eating steady for about a week. i skip meals all of the time - i don't want to do that this week, i need to make sure i'm getting as much iron as i can, to see if i can absorb it or not. so, i want as good a reading as i can get and i should wait until early next week. 

that means i'm inside for the next week and i'm just shifting back to the blogging section until thursday. this weekend wasn't what i hoped for, but at least all of that stuff is now done. my bed is clean, and i won't be scrubbing any floors for a while, so i should get back to normal showering cycles, as well.

i just hope i've managed to block the drugs out of this space.

where was i?

- i was going through from sept 24th, 2018 ----> now and rebuilding the four blogs, along with several side documents at one drive.

- but, i wanted to go through and understand what files may have been removed, if any. so, i rewound back to early 2018 and was reading through them, forwards.

- i decided i can probably build the dtk blog up as i do that. at least.

- but i needed to go back and reread the components i added to each of the vlogs to understand what should and shouldn't be added. <-----done travel & music but still need to do dtk properly from nov/2019

most theory is bullshit.

do the experiment.

listen - i didn't learn about being transgendered in a classroom. i'm not applying an academic theory. i'm living a life. and, if my empirical experiences don't uphold the theory, it follows that the theory is wrong, at least in how it applies to my life.

i can work through this on my own - i don't need somebody else to tell me how to think about it.

i'm an individual, and it's my individual experiences that are important to me, not some shared collective experience determined by some eggheads at some academy somewhere.

so, no - what i'm presenting to you is not what you read in a book. but, listen to me, don't believe what you read.

today's post is inri007.

===

so, how exactly does one go about being transgendered, anyways? i mean, like anything else, i guess you have to come to terms with it, first. then, what? 

it was the "what next?" part that took me a very long time to grapple with before i was able to come to some kind of course of action. i don't remember exactly how old i was when i realized that i was more like a girl than a boy, but i will state that my thought process was always that i was like a girl, rather than that i was a girl. i have to be blunt: i was a precocious child. i understood the biology of sexual organs at a pretty young age. i knew which organ i had, that it was the same as the one my dad had and that it was different than my mom. i never felt as though i was in the wrong body - that's not how i'd articulate it. i knew i was male. but, all my friends were girls. i preferred to do "girl things". so, i realized at a very, very young age that i was more similar to the girls in my life than to the boys, despite being well aware that i was genetically a boy. it functioned more on the level of social inclusion and conscious choice of gender role than it did on the level of anything biological. am i really that atypical? i don't know. but, i know that i never had any difficulty at all, whatsoever, in separating between sex, gender and gender roles. so, for example: i have very early memories of asking my mom to let me wear lipstick, and of asking to get my ears pierced (3,4 years old) but i don't attach those memories to feelings of gender dysphoria. i didn't see any reason why boys couldn't wear make-up. further, nobody really "corrected" me on it. so, i grew up without any shame or second thoughts attached to being a boy that was more like a girl, and consequently without any particularly strong urges to become a girl. my very early life actually finds it's best explanation in the theories of radical feminism: because the gender binary was never enforced on me, i never felt oppressed by it. i have to argue for a very healthy early upbringing. 

what screwed me up and set me back a good ten years was the school system. when i got there at the age of four and a half, i wouldn't talk to the boys. i wanted to skip rope and play hopscotch with the girls. well, all my friends were girls. i didn't know how to play with the boys. what's a marble? i just didn't know. i got stuck with a fossil of a kindergarten teacher that actually flat out banned me from skipping rope. worse, she banned me from reading books. my absolutely docile and clinically rational temperament at that age probably worked against me. but, i had two choices: i could play with the trucks with the boys in the corner or i could go to sleep. 

in fact, i slept a lot. 

but, gradually, the system socialized me as a male. or, at least it seemed like it did. 

my path through elementary school didn't really ease up on the gender segregation until the seventh grade, at which point it was essentially too late. the system had successfully prevented me from socializing with girls, but had never taught me how to socialize with boys. so, i had spent the last twelve years of school in social isolation, usually without any friends at all. i'd lost the opportunity to have all the gendered experiences one associates with childhood - which means i was deeply socially stunted. i was still pretty smart, academically speaking. however, i was operating at the social level of a much younger child because the school system had arrested my social development through segregating me into a gender role that i didn't understand how to fulfill. 

by the time i got around to writing this song at the age of 16, i'd just become entirely stoic about the whole thing. i knew i was more like a girl, but what exactly was i going to do about it? i guess i had the perspective, at 16, that life was largely about managing misfortune and you just have to deal with shit, whether you like it or not. 

rational? perhaps, from a certain perspective. it gnawed at me, though. the trauma underlying the track was the realization that i was a good part of the way through puberty, without ever having signed up for it. this was by no means unexpected, either, and i didn't ultimately feel that i had any recourse of action in preventing it. but, i felt like i'd been cheated out of something and was being forced into something i didn't remotely want. 

as with the rest of the early tracks, the lyrics here are at their core the exploration of a morbid fantasy. i'm taking things too far, i'm taking any excuse i can to keep taking things too far and i'm enjoying watching you squirm when i do it. in one sense, it's a sarcastic allegory on the question of thinking with one's cock, which is a bio-chemical problem that all testosterone producers are forced to come to terms with at some point. in another sense, it's a transgendered teenager carrying out a sort of morbid fantasy and desperately looking for a way to prevent the masculinization of my body. 

it took me another five years or so of internal struggle before i could get to the point where i saw hormone therapy as a realistic option, rather than a kind of utopian fantasy that would be perpetually out of reach until i finally expired. 

this is the only period 1 piece that was further expanded through the addition of some bass and piano sequencing near the start of the piece. the vocals were also brought back in without redaction. so, this ep starts off with a full reconstruction of the piece, intended as a lead for this single. the ep further comprehensively documents all other released versions of the track. 

initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. electronics added on july 16, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. sequenced on jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 10, 2016. hidden track added and refinalized on july 21, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released february 6, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synthesizers, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, sampling, digital wave editing, production

mass inequality is both a function of and the first step towards the collapse of any advanced society.

if we're smarter than our ancestors, we should figure it out this time.

as mentioned previously, mayan history is almost entirely mythical. this is pieced together by looking at glyphs in a dead language and building guesses on archaeological remains. we can come up with broad concepts and forces that shaped the society, but attempts to be specific are foolish. that said, i look at the tent cities today in california, and i wonder what role that inequality might have played in the movement of people out of the cities and into the forest. and, let's be clear about this - the society didn't evaporate. it didn't fly off into space. they didn't all die on the spot. they left the cities, they abandoned urbanism, and they took up life in the jungle, instead. that sounds crazy, but don't we see that in the united states today, as late capitalism makes urban civilization an impossibility for wide swaths of the population, who are forced to live in parks and subsist in the wild, instead? is that really what happened? and, will it happen again?

i had to take a nap...

the wood is cut. the bathroom is spotless. but, i lost the evening.

so, this weekend wasn't what was intended, but the space is at least as clean as it can be. what's left to do now is to take all the items from the other half of the apartment and put them away to various places - a "tidying" operation, but an absolutely massive one.

i need to get some eggs and take a shower. and, if i can at least put the hardware i want to use into the other machine and put it on it's perch, that's a step for next week.

i'm awake, so i'm going to finally clean that bathroom fully.

the question is if they ever got to hudson's bay.

if they found a way to get to hudson's bay, the whole continent opens up.

there is actually a fair amount of evidence suggesting early contact between europeans and the northern indigenous groups like the cree in the form of r1* genes in the indigenous population. the initial explanation i was given for this was the hudson's bay company, but the prevalence is so high that it suggests something earlier. and, we've even seen theories develop that suggest a saami origin for some indigenous groups, rather than a movement over the bering strait. 

the reality is that we know there were r1* carriers in the region quite a long time ago, and a norse origin is the easiest answer.

i know the kensington stone is a fake, but the idea appears to be grounded.

so, if i don't have a lot of blood, and i use it all to digest the food i'm eating, the result is i don't have enough free blood to stay warm. so, it's less about atp and more about rbc.

really, though? i can't get more blood than that?

c'mon, body. i just gave you 20-25 mg of iron. fucking convert it to blood already.

what a weird night lost in limbo.

so, i finally woke myself up around 4:00 only to realize i was starving. so, i made pasta....and caught a chill and then fell asleep eating it.

why am i getting cold while i'm eating? is the digestion requiring more energy than i'm taking in?

my stool is very healthy looking, if continually red due to the beets, tomatoes, red peppers, cayenne, carrots & paprika. it's just tons of red and orange, and it ends up looking that way. but, it's well formed. there's nothing trailing.

i see no evidence that i'm bleeding. really. or, at least not from the bum...maybe from the brain...

likewise, if i have a parasite, it's not obvious.

it's a bone-chilling cold, too - not  in my hands or feet, but in my bones. it's making me wonder about leukemia.

i need to keep an eye on those eosinophils...

just to update where i am on the fall of civilizations run through...

i have watched both of these videos and don't have much to add. 

i knew the easter island narrative was a myth, but it's nice to see it get a full treatment and i learned a few things watching this. if you're still following the false narrative, you should give this a run through:

i only had a vague outline of cambodian history when i watched this and the only comment i have is that i learned quite a bit about it by watching it. i didn't realize the region was hindu before it was buddhist, for example. as is the case with a number of these, the multidisciplinary nature of the narrative is appreciated, although he did say a few things that struck me as more mythical than factual.

norse history is something i know a little more about, but the first half of that episode seems to be fairly cursory. conversely, i think i know that story a little too well to benefit from watching an introduction like that. but, we'll see how he closes it and if i have anything to add:

the mayan collapse is again going to be the things of myth, but we'll see what he says. i'm legitimately curious about what he says about the bronze age collapse. and, i'm probably ideologically opposed to his take on the "collapse of roman britain", which i'd interpret as an indigenous revolt against a colonial entity, but we'll see what he says.

i've pointed out before that these ancient demos, while very crude, also seemed to click into a few things - there's tracks that pre-date gybe! and seem to foreshadow it, tracks that sound like man man from as far back as 1997, tracks that are basically 90s emo without me having any idea what 90s emo was at the time, etc, etc...

i guess my head was in the same space as radiohead at the same time as radiohead, too.

fwiw, my records suggest that skaters was completely finished before ok computer was released. even i pulled that influence out, but it seems to be wrong. and, fwiw, i was a little slow to pick up on radiohead; i didn't like the britpop thing, in general, and kind of had them miscategorized. i thought fake plastic trees was terrible, but i loved street spirit when i heard it - and that's what actually got me interested. that was at the very end of the cycle for the bends, and nearly when ok computer had been released.

paranoid android was released early, and it was everywhere when it was, but i really hadn't heard anything like this when i recorded skaters, despite it seeming like i had.

so, what was the actual influence?

it was probably more something like this:

...or this:

today's post is inri006.

===

the christmas of 1997 was a good one. in addition to getting a four-track recorder to multitrack with, i also ended up with a jx-8p for my birthday, which is in early january. now that i could use the computer a little bit, i decided that i was finally ready to do some serious recording. 

i had committed myself to reapproaching the first demo tapes and rerecording certain tracks to reflect the uplift that they got from the drum machine; that is, i had already dramatically rewritten most of the tracks around the drum machine, so i felt i should rerecord them. now, i was going to need to uplift some of those tracks a second time with synthesizer parts. i knew which tracks i wanted to approach and how, but i wanted to ease myself in a little. so, i picked a new track as my first synthesizer experiment. 

that is a large part of what this track is. i had the lyrics pre-written, actually, and knew that i wanted a spooky kind of atmosphere to the track. so, i was approaching the synth with the question of how to manipulate it into sounding "haunted". that may seem trivial, but please realize that i had never seen an actual synthesizer before - i'd just always used the presets on my sister's electronic piano. it was a small victory to get the patch by increasing the sustain on the preset, but it was a hard-fought battle. 

after i got the track mixed down through the 4-track and mastered into the pc by sending the signal into the back of the soundblaster, some listening had me wishing that i had slowed the tape down a little. the track is a kind of a child's understanding of the existential, which i just felt would be more aesthetically in balance if i slowed the tape down and made it seem a bit more mournful. so, i wanted to go back and remaster it with the speed set a little slower. 

i decided i should test it by slowing the track down digitally, first. what i was trying to do was get an estimate to use to remaster it at a different speed. i took a guess on half-speed to try and was going to incrementally reduce the reduction through trial and error until i got to a good point. then, i could set the tape speed by ear. i did not go through that process; i stopped at half-speed. for several weeks in 1998, the half-speed version was the final product for the track. i believe i even uploaded it to mp3.com slowed down this way. 

i just instantly stopped at half-speed because, while the effect was more exaggerated than intended, that exaggeration was to greater effect than i imagined. i wasn't expecting the guitars to get that grungy, or the vocals to get that deep. when i heard it, though, i knew that this was the track. 

in the end, i reverted back to the normal speed version, but this was done with much internal division. the reason that this is the last track on the demo is because i was holding out for space for the lengthier version. it was only due to a combination of space requirements and pull for conformity of sound through the demo that had me relent at the very end. 

in hindsight, i do think that the short version fits better on the flow of the cd, and it will remain there - minus the vocals. yet, i also think that this slowed down version deserves it's own document. i've slowed down two other versions of the track, as well, to drag out the fun. the album version closes this collection. 

originally created in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reconstructed in the summer of 2015 and then manipulated further in the summer of 2016. released & finalized on july 7, 2016. hidden track added and re-finalized on july 18, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released january 22, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, synths, drum programming, vocals, digital wave manipulation, production

i'm not much of a man, trust me.

for right now, i'm feeling floaty and kind of shitty, but i don't want to go to sleep until i can finish cleaning in the bathroom and take a shower. so, i'm nodding off in my chair, and have been since around 19:00.

so, i intended to take a nap yesterday afternoon and be up within a few hours to eat, but instead slept until almost 21:00. 

then, i wanted to stay up all night and finish cleaning everything, but i was essentially only awake long enough to eat, and then fall asleep again, until close to 9:00.

i did stay awake for most of the day and was able to 

- finish most of the laundry

- prepare and measure the wood for cutting (tomorrow, apparently)

- lysol the walls a few times, to varying effects

- silicon around the front door, which was the last really bad spot in the apartment, i think

- put a back on the second bookcase, by cutting up the cardboard box the table was mailed in.

so, when i get the wood cut, the only thing i'll have left to do in the bedroom is fill some of the cracks in with some wood filler. but, i'll need to wait until april.

further, i've got everything back in order in the studio, and can get back to placing items in their proper place. there is just one thing left to do first, which is thoroughly clean the bathroom. i intended on finishing that this evening, but i've been having difficulty keeping my eyes open.

is it the drugs upstairs? i actually can't tell anymore. i've blocked so many cracks and holes that it's down to a dull, background smell. but, my tolerance is so low that it might still be triggering. and, i mean, it's still gross in terms of background odour - it's a seriously unpleasant odour. but, it's muted. a lot....

i don't know what to do next. i could maybe silicon the crack between the ceiling and the wall, but i need to trace what's left of the smell, first.

i wanted this all done by yesterday morning, and was hoping to set up the recording pc this weekend. it looks like that will need to wait until next week, instead, and that i'm probably just going to get done the cleaning by the end of the weekend.

male homosexuality is a dominant, aggressive kind of thing. there's no room for passive little bitches like me.

and, i wouldn't be into it, anyways.

i'm not a gay man.

gay men like to fuck other men - they like to bend them over and bang them as hard as they can.

conversely, i've never had the remotest urge to fuck anything or anyone at all; i'm entirely sub, and have only ever fantasized about receiving vaginal sex.

further, gay men are attracted to other men, so they wouldn't be interested in me.

it consequently doesn't make any sense to tell me to just go be gay - not on either side of the equation.

in theory, this is covered.

but, the medication isn't available due to a patent issue and the surgeons don't call you back.

i want this surgery. i've done everything available to me to get it.

but, if you're going to force me to be a guy in makeup and drag instead, then i'll shove it in your face and make you stare at it. 

as a consequence, i will continue to refer to myself as jessica and present myself in a female gender role, even if my estrogen falls to zero.

i do not want to turn back.

and, if i just end up looking gross, we can blame it on the government and the lack of acceptable health care options that are available to me.

i want to be clear - if i end up detransitioning, it will not be a decision i've made, it will be due to a lck of access to care. this is a decision that is being made for me by restricting access to surgery and to effective hormone therapy.

so, as mentioned, i spent yesterday morning cleaning. i finished essentially all of the kitchen before i stopped to eat around 8:00 and left for an appointment around 10:00. 

the appointment was initially set to talk about my estrogen levels, which have predictably come down a little due to switching to the generic. unfortunately, he didn't feel comfortable boosting me higher than 8 mg, and he had a reasonable argument - i'm already higher than the recommended dosage.

the reality is that i need my testicles to be removed, or i'm going to detransition, and that's not something anybody benefits from. i've been trying to do this for five years, now. i'm at a max for testosterone suppression and i'm at a max for generic estrogen; the brand name works far better, but i can't buy it. so, he sent the recs out again, but i don't expect to hear anything.

i'm going to need to send a fax to the endocrinologist again about overprescribing....

he unexpectedly prescribed me the doxycycline, but the 20 mg is now all of a sudden no longer covered, only the 100 mg is. i'm pretty sure it was covered last week. he's going to prescribe, though. so, i'll need to research that and figure it out. i'll either need to request a different tetracycline that is covered or ask to boost the dosage, but i don't think that's a great idea. it would be $200/month, otherwise and that's not feasible.

i don't know why they cover the 100 but not the 20, but that's the decision the government has made.

and, i got a second lab rec for the iron which i'll need to get done in the upcoming week. i know what my ferritin is at a minimum. what i need to do first is check to see what my ferritin is at a maximum, without altering anything. but, he put so much stuff on it that i'm going to ask them to do it in two parts spread two weeks apart. i was absolutely exhausted after the last one, and we can see why, now.

he's also going to send me to a gastric specialist about the potentiality of bleeding, but i'm wondering if i shouldn't also go to somebody regarding the potentials of blood clotting in the brain, or bleeding in the brain more generally.

i stopped and did a bunch of groceries when i got back, and then it was 16:00 and i found myself in need of a nap....

today's post is inro005

====

this is maybe a little hard to understand, if you weren't a teenager in a very specific period - about '91-'99, the 90s i guess, when the nu metal shift "corrected" things and tough guys went backing to being metalheads. 

that period overlaps with a period when punk fashion moved from subculture to dominant culture. as with any other failed social revolution, the period is more defined by certain subculture traits being co-opted than it was by any meaningful change in social attitudes, even if it did correspond with a move towards liberalizing social attitudes in the older members of gen x. 

i remember playing this for my aunt, who was a teenager in the 80s, and she was just confused by it. in her day, the skaters were the skinny punk kids that got picked on by the meathead jock metal heads. as mentioned, i think people that were teenagers in the 00s may more readily associate with this as well. 

but the 90s were weird in this sense. skater culture in the 90s was defined by a sort of thuggish machismo gang mentality that overlapped more into gangster rap than punk rock. what you had where i grew up was a lot of upper middle class white kids skating because it was advertised to them as the "cool thing to do" and in the process co-opting this sort of survivalist 'hood mentality into a tool of oppression that they used to bully and intimidate the kids that, a decade before, would have identified as skateboarders. those kids may have maintained an interest in punk rock, but weren't generally accepted into the skater clique - which was essentially the "in group". 

the culmination may seem a little surreal nowadays, if for no other reason than that it's been forgotten. but i remember sneaking through back alleys, evading skateboarding gangs made up of kids into slayer, while i had socal punk music blasting through my headphones. and i'm sure you'll get similar stories if you ask around - or maybe you were also that kid. 

on one hand, this track was constructed to be sort of precious, and i think that it is. it's a pretty catchy pop song, really. on the other hand, i think i was trying to be a bit tougher than i actually was. i wasn't one to back down from confrontation - i'm still not. while i think it's true that i could have taken most of these brats one-on-one, i probably would have mostly chosen not to. see, the fear was always more that they'd convert the boards into weapons and then jump you. in canada, guns aren't much of a concern, but knives are. 

...and the fear often came out of trivial reasons. talking with somebody's girlfriend. having a pair of headphones or a pair of shoes that might be worth something. basic thug shit. 

in hindsight, the analysis here is a little simplistic. suggesting that these kids are going to grow up into pimps is problematic on numerous levels, although i can state with blunt honesty that a number of the people the song was about have grown up to be petty criminals with lengthy criminal records. i have to own that lack of depth and how it comes out in sometimes less than ideal statements, but i'm going to once again blame that on my age. 

overall, i like this track on both a musical and thematic level. i just wish i had articulated myself a little bit better. 

-- 

there was a specific story that influenced the track. when i was in the ninth grade, one of these skater bro types took it upon himself to start body-checking me into lockers. it was well understood that this person was older, but that just gave him more clout in the school's skater clique; he knew the older kids that they looked up to. i was never certain if he was on his second or third try at grade 9. 

this wasn't the first time somebody had tried to get physical with me, but it was an escalation that i couldn't really tolerate. people flicking my ears was an annoyance, and especially so when it was a game, but it's the kind of thing one withstands. these were full on, run-at-me body checks that seemed to be designed with intent to harm. 

i actually tried a few different tactics before i reacted. i tried sitting behind in class until he left, but it was visibly starting to make the female teacher uncomfortable that i was just sitting around waiting after class - and perhaps not unreasonably so. as for bringing it up with the teacher? well, this guy went out of his way to look for a teacher watching before he took a run. i couldn't be followed around by a teacher all day. i had to react on my own. 

so, i tricked him into running at my open leg, which had him fall face first into the locker. he did not see the retribution in the act; he got up looking for a fight. as i was walking toward the exit, which was a staircase downwards, he took another run at me - which i dodged. that was an adrenaline filled movement, i tell you - he was full of stupid, hot rage and sidestepped like an angry bull. but, i still had to time it. there was no escape. he ended up falling down several flights of stairs and breaking his leg. consider what would have happened if i hadn't moved - even considering that i may have helped him lose his balance, a little. 

from that point onwards, i lived in fear of being swarmed. rumours were floating around that i'd better stay away from certain people - which was a broadcast to me to stay low. i got the message, and spent the next several years sneaking around back passageways in and out of the school. i learned where the cuts in the fences were, how to detour across floor levels to follow the crowd, how to time the bus (we had public transit passes - and that fact alone probably spared me broken bones) to come in to class during the national anthem and other various scheduling and transiting tactics to avoid being alone at critical junctures. and, then i started to enjoy living that way, too. 

i don't think that student came back the next year, so i'm not sure if he ever finished grade 9. but, part of the reason i'm telling you this story is that it helps paint a clearer demographic picture of the narrative that i'm presenting. if you remove the "skater" designation, this could be a story about gangs in schools that could be applied equally well across any other grouping. it just happened to be that the gangs at my school were populated by white skater kids, some from the welfare projects and others comfortably middle class. that might help to explain what some might see as a difficult reference point. 

-- 

i've presented this track in chronological ordering because i wanted to tell the story of the track itself. looking through my releases, it may be difficult to tell what is an ep from what is a single, and what is an ep from what is a record. this is an ep, and not a single. it's an ep because it's a conceptual ordering of the tracks, rather than just an exploration of a single incarnation of a specific track. 

i don't deny that the lyrics are painful. and, wasn't i supposed to be getting rid of painful vocals? well, perhaps. but, note that no vocal takes of this track make it on to any of the abum-format presentations of it, excepting inricycled. the vocals are tied into the concept of the ep, which is a narration of the song as it developed. 

so, chronological ordering is the only rational way to present the tracks. further, a comprehensive exploration of the track's development actually becomes necessary, in order to narrate it's entire development. 

i'm not going to take this approach to every single. i just think that this track had to be preserved in this kind of way. 

-- 

initially written in 1997. recreated in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 1, 2015. deconstructed dec 18, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. finalized on july 6, 2016. lead track added and refinalized july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

released january 12, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocal noises, vocals, samples, digital wave editing, production

once again...

i've been on hormones in almost straight succession (i was convinced to pause for a few months when i first started) since early 2002. that's almost 20 years.

i have not had sex with anybody at all since 2006 and decided around that point that i would not have sex again until i got surgery. it simply hasn't happened yet. 

since then, i've turned down boys, girls and people in between. there is no chance of reversing that decision. it may render me celibate until the end of my life.

i did not date in high school. i have never been in a family-style relationship. i don't have children....i don't think. i was in the end rejected by the only person i've ever had sex with because i told her i didn't want to have sex with her anymore and was therefore no longer useful to her - and i was very upset by it, and still am.

there's a lot of bad information floating around about me from very untrustworthy, dishonest sources. you can believe what you want, but i'm only interested in your opinion if you take the time to read what i post here, first - and will continually point to the record here as factual, and the record elsewhere as incorrect.

my post today is inri004.

===

"wait - do you, like, fuck the dead, or something?" 

i wasn't the target; i was merely an observer. but, i kind of lived it, too. so, i had to suggest a proper response. 

see, i think the absurdity of the response follows from the absurdity of the question, and the proper way to react is to acknowledge the absurdity of the exchange by playing along. my proposal would be to take the topic to it's most absurd logical conclusion by engaging in a logical defense of the absurd accusation, and then annoying that person by bringing it up all of the time. if i saw him walking in the halls, i'd run up to him and loudly tell him that i've got a great argument for necrophilia if he wants to hear it.... 

now, i wasn't the person being taunted. so, i never got to act on those impulses. nor was the person that was being taunted nearly as indifferent to social conventions as i was. so, my suggestions were never interpreted seriously - despite their sincerity. i think i should acknowledge that i didn't properly understand what this person wanted. see, if it were me, my goal would be to have this person never ever look at me ever again. i would react by providing a set of disincentives to bother me. the more infamous, the more effective. but, i just wanted for them to leave me the fuck alone. this person wanted some kind of "acceptance", so those kinds of belligerent actions were counter-productive in seeking a final resolution. 

so, the song is imagining how i would react if i were to be taunted in such a way. 

i've created a new single release on my final administrative run through the material, and i want to defend the decision to do so. when i was creating the singles in january, this track didn't have any alternate cuts from the new session - i just had the remaster and a bunch of failed versions. there was no drum machine remix and no original demo. so, it wasn't fit for single treatment. 

but, material for this track generated as i explored the different ways to present the record. i recreated the middle section for the record. then, i brought in limited vocals for the on sexual confusion in adolescence mini-epic. so, now i do have a couple of alternate versions, and it does make sense to release a single. 

this is not the very first track that i recorded with my new four-track in 1998, but it's the first cut that made the record. something that got lost in the multiple transfers of the file was that the track was built up around a lot of guitar effects and was meant to have a swirling, shoegaze-y kind of feel. i then cut that recording up and inserted a short collage of computer generated sound, followed by a short jam of me playing guitar over a sample of the spiderman theme song - the original one, from 1967. the recorded track then clicks in and concludes itself in some more layered guitar harmonies. i draw attention to this because it is the juxtaposition of folk-y guitars with oppressive, synthesized percussion that forms the basis of interest in this, musically. it's structurally a blues guitar piece, it's just been ported substantially through technology. 

originally created in late 1997 and early 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. finally reconstructed in the summer of 2015 and extrapolated upon over the first half of 2016. released on july 4, 2016. finalized on july 5, 2016. as always, please use headphones. 

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this recording is a part of the following collections: 

1) inriℵ0: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 

2) inriℵ1: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 

3) inriℵ4: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1 

5) inriℵ6: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 

6) inriℵ17: jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016). 

credits

released january 9, 1998 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, vocals, samples, digital wave manipulation, cool edit synthesis, production

you could think of it like this: i was a huge goth rock fan, despite the aesthetics, rather than because of it.

goth is meant to be camp, and it becomes self-parody when you take it too seriously.

so, you look at something like skinny puppy, for example. it's usually called 'industrial', but it's variously seen as punk (due to the politics) or goth (due to the aesthetics), as well. i certainly listened to a lot of stuff in this punk/goth/industrial/techno crossover space - and still do.

but, i was fundamentally a punk in ideology. if skinny puppy had shitty politics, i wouldn't have cared much for them - which is confirmed by my total non-interest in this swath of ebm bands that came out after them, drawing from frontline assembly. i don't listen to any of that stuff, because it's broadly a bunch of fascist garbage, and it has this dominant misogynist streak in it that has always left me cold.

the cure is another example of something that was massively crossover, but they were essentially a progressive rock band at their best. i wouldn't have had much interest in it, if it were just stripped to the makeup, even if that's all that most people take away from it nowadays.

the result is that i grew up immersed in goth culture, but always had this distance from it. huge amounts of what i've listened to for my whole life are in some way goth rock, but it's always been as an overlap with something else and it's always been the something else i really cared about. i've never identified myself that way - i've always called myself a punk, not a goth.

so, yes - i'm taking the piss. and, the right cultural space, the right perspective to see it from, is from somebody like the aphex twin, who i have quite a bit in common with, overall.

i'm about to post inri004 and i want to post this, first.

punk & goth have always overlapped, but i was the kind of punk that thought goth was silly - despite listening to a lot of it. punks have always had this strange love/hate relationship with goth culture.

but, if you want to understand inri004, this is really where my head actually was.

i know it seems like i haven't been doing anything for....years. but, i have been, and i need to start putting this all together and making something concrete of it, again.

so, i got some rest.

i'm supposed to be doing alter-reality right now, but i'm obviously not going to. i at least finished the thought in getting the two sites set up, but it sidetracked me and i don't want to get stuck in these recursions - i want to enforce a stricter division of labour on my time. i need to start getting back to having completed tasks in front of me.

so, i'm going to finish the thought before i close some tabs and get back to it on monday.

i will spend most of the night and morning putting final touches on cleaning.

and, my post today is inri003:

---

i spent the summer and fall of 1997 programming drum tracks into an ry30, notating them into a tablature program and sequencing them using noteworthy composer. i did not know how i was going to record these tracks. i think i was expecting to use the computer, but that was probably naive; instead, i was gifted a 4-track recording machine. i then spent the next year and a half rearranging and rerecording the songs i programmed over that period. as these tracks were recorded into my pc, they are time stamped...so i have a much clearer understanding of when they were finished.

the jump to incorporating computers into the recording process is something i always wanted to do, it's just that it wasn't really previously feasible. first, there was a learning curve. i was a smart kid, though; the learning curve was just a time concern. the larger problem was simply access to a pc. i did have a pc at my disposal, but it did not have a modem and it was only equipped to run windows 3.1, which basically meant i could run civ 2 and wolfenstein and little else. the windows 95 computer had dial up but it was in a central location for family use.

when we moved across the city, my dad bought a new computer and i happily inherited his old one. this gave me internet access, which allowed me to download some freeware. it also gave me the time i needed to learn how to do certain things.

i'm separating out a handful of my first electronic sound experiments and collecting them together into an ep. what these blasts of noise have in common is that they were constructed on a windows 95 computer out of samples or generated sound and with very primitive software while i was waiting to get some kind of recording equipment. most of it was pasted together meticulously using the windows 95 sound recorder; the rest of it was constructed in cool edit, which i used as a sort of a synthesizer.

for the most part, these weren't really ever meant to be songs. i ended up using them as connectors, introductions, background. "continuity". yet, i find the idea of throwing them together here to be interesting from an autobiographical perspective.

created in mid 1997. sequenced and converted to stereo in november, 2013. released on nov 9, 2013. corrected in september, 2014. finalized on july 5, 2016. first liner note release added on dec 23, 2019. as always, please use headphones.

this recording is a part of the following collections:
1) inriℵ0: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-dvd-disc-volume-1 
2) inriℵ1: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-box-set 
3) inriℵ2: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inriched-box-set
4) inriℵ4: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/mp3-dvd-disc-volume-1
5) inriℵ6: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1 
6) inriℵ17: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/flac-bd-disc-volume-1

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 2013, 2016). as of dec 23, 2019, the release includes an 8 page booklet in doc, pdf & html, with an html5 audio frontend, that includes journal entries from the remastering process over nov, 2013.

released dec 1, 1997

j - cool edit (wave synthesis, digital wave editing), windows 95 sound recorder (sampling, digital wave editing), yamaha ry30 drum machine (programming)

so, what am i up to?

i crashed yesterday afternoon and was up in the evening. i fell asleep while updating this page and it ended up taking me until the morning to finish it:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch

i'm under cyberattack by some fascist muslims that want to launch a jihad against me for saying mean things about their idol. you know you're all going to hell for idolatry, right? so, i'm trying to reduce the number of cookies...

i actually don't think it's google, at this point. google always takes my side, and they've shown me what they do if they want to remove something. it's ordered and predictable; it's not this kind of primitive hack on my internet. this is some vigilantes that don't care about civilized law, and want to barbarically take things into their own hands. but, they're just fucking swimming in cash, remember. it's easy to get what you want when you're a millionaire...or a billionaire....

i don't know the extent of it, but i seem to have gotten the attention of some powerful zealots....

i was specifically doubling the prices of everything physical, and otherwise verifying that everything was correct with the new pricing. this is a relatively important update to do if i'm going to be uploading isos to the payhip site.

i understand that people don't really want to buy physical media anymore. i have to admit that i'd still be buying it if i wasn't broke, because i like it; i like the cd shelf. it's a mark of obscurity. and, if you have disposable income, you spend it on art...

so, what do i do, as an artist? it's not economical. i want the option available, but i understand that i'm selling torrents...

i mean, i'm not a pop star. i don't write jingles. i'm not a singer-songwriter. i'm not a sex idol pretending to be a musician. i'm kind of an old-fashioned thing at this point - i'm a musician with a large, album-oriented discography. so, it's easy to tell me to sign up for a streaming service, but it's really not the universe i live within. i mean, i'm a consumer too, and i wouldn't have the slightest interest in something like spotify - it's just a bunch of major label crap. if i'm anything, i'm an independent artist. but the technology is crowding me out because the fuckers have monopolized the means of production.

but, i'm more pissed off about the market. frankly, as hard as it is to sell things on the internet, it's even harder to sell them in real life. i'd be nowhere at all without a website. but, consumers expect everything to be free, nowadays, and i'm guilty of that, too.

so, i'm not selling singles to tweens. i'm not trying to go viral on youtube (although i was at one point, and think i did a few times - it didn't translate to much). and, i'd like to sell you a cd, but nobody's buying. that's not my universe, it's not my market, it's not the world i live and breathe in.

what people in my universe want is full discography torrents. they want to download twenty records at a time. and, i've done that - i did it with cardiacs in the 00s, i did it with swans in the 90s. these were artists before my time that i was happy to find and benefited dramatically from finding. and, that is my audience - people looking for music that exists beyond the image, that is real and interesting to listen to. it's a small potential audience, but if you click into it...

i've got the dvds for sale, but kids nowadays don't even have optical drives.

this is why i'm setting up the payhip site - i'm trying to give the people, my people, my audience, what they actually want.

in the process, i created a sequence of physical companions to the existing dvd sequence with the intent of building a one click option to purchase all cds:

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/purchase-of-complete-physical-discography

unfortunately, bandcamp wouldn't allow for a price that high. so, we got what exists, instead.

and, that was my night - not what i planned, but a little progress.

so, we're not done with this yet...not until the state is completely removed from the process and the right for the individual to freely decide strictly on their own terms is finally upheld....

unfortunately, though, it seems as though the law still has unnecessary restrictions on bodily autonomy, and those restrictions will need to be struck down, yet again.

the legislature seems to fundamentally not get it - it doesn't grasp that it's a rights issue, and it's been swayed by religious groups to implement rights restrictions. again.

but, it's a big step forwards, even if it's incomplete.

if you don't have the right to end your own life, you don't have any rights at all.

it's the most extreme way to affirm self-ownership, possible.

the right way to see this is that it's a major victory for self-ownership and the autonomy of the individual.

i bitch about it, and it's dying, but we still have the remnants of an actual liberal party here. 

https://globalnews.ca/news/7703262/canada-senate-passes-bill-c-7/

another reboot.

again: somebody doesn't want me on the internet, and it has to do with my views on islam.

and i don't fucking care.

go fuck yourself.

so, i've set up a payhip site:

https://payhip.com/jessicamurray

that site will be digital downloads only - and will house isos for data cds, dvds and bds, which i can't upload to bandcamp, unfortunately. so, the payhip site will be comprehensive. but, the bandcamp site is still central.

i'm also doubling the price of all physical items at the bandcamp site.

nobody wants to buy a physical cd anymore - i get it. i don't want to, either. so, i'm making a cd here and there, and i've been losing money in the process. i don't want to eliminate the option, but the economics are what they are, and the cost of manufacturing cds on demand like this is pretty high, nowadays. it's just what it is.

the cost of the downloads will stay the same.

so, i'm going to upload one item to payhip every day, as i post it here, until it's filled up. i should have inri000, inri001 and inri002 up soon.

my table is in and installed.

these are cheap tables, but they'll work fine, and it means i should be able to get to reinstalling some things on that side of the room next week. 

the box is sufficient for the back of the bookcase but it seems to have been sitting in cigarette ash. the item itself doesn't smell, but there was literally grey soot all over the box. i've got it airing out, and i'll try to lysol it a few times, but i may have to toss it.

so, that's done with, and the last component for the furniture to construct in that space is bringing the wood to home depot, which i'll wait until april to do. although i can also maybe ask if the guy up there has a wood saw...

so, those unexpected reboots. i don't know what the idiots are trying to do, but it's often frustrating in terms of losing trains of thought. and, i'm going to construct that, now.

- i was going through from sept 24th, 2018 ----> now and rebuilding the four blogs, along with several side documents at one drive.

- but, i wanted to go through and understand what files may have been removed, if any. so, i rewound back to early 2018 and was reading through them, forwards.

- i decided i can probably build the dtk blog up as i do that. at least.

- but i needed to go back and reread the components i added to each of the vlogs to understand what should and shouldn't be added.

i was going through the travel blog when the machine rebooted. and, this is why i'm not using my normal pcs to connect to the internet.

my table should be here today, it seems. finally.

and, i'm setting up a payhip account for digital downloads. i'll post that soon.

today's post is inri002.

---

i've released a dozen different things with the title "inricycled", making it more of a concept than a release. it's not just the material i'm recycling, now, it's the idea of recycling material. 

i hope this is the final iteration. the difference, here, is that i'm trying to isolate segments of songs that people interested in my more recent compositions would find interesting. these fragments aren't entirely void of lyrics, but they're very minimal. they're also quite short. 

i've retitled most of the tracks to get a feel of what the music sounds like and/or what i was thinking as i was writing it. 

the material in this volume is taken from the following cassette demos, inri000 and inri001: 

jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-cassette-demo-1 (1996) 

jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-cassette-demo-2 (1997) 

this is the best possible absolute starting point for my musical material. 

written and recorded over 1996 and 1997. digitally remastered, sequenced and mildly modified in the fall of 2013. released dec 11, 2013. finalized as lp000 on july 3, 2016. first liner note release added on jan 26, 2020. i consider this my unofficial zeroth record. as always, please use headphones. 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 2013-2020). as of jan 26, 2020, the release includes a 106 page booklet in doc, pdf & html, with an html5 audio & video frontend, that includes journal entries from the remastering process over sept-dec, 2013, as well as the video for inertia, from dec, 2013 . 

released July 1, 1997 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drums, vocals, keyboards, tapes, found sounds, metronomes, digital wave editing, production.

i'm going to translate something in the article because you probably don't even know what they're talking about - but you're supposed to. i've picked this up before - the arab oil sheikhs seem to think we're all a bunch of dumb fundamentalist christians. they're entirely clueless. maybe they've read too much jordan peterson, or maybe they've listened to too much steve bannon, who both have the same position on this, but they're lost in the misunderstanding that europe is a fundamentally christian society, and that it's colonies are rooted in christian values.

we're all descended from the puritans. we're quakers. we're mennonites. 

it's hilarious.

the history of europe is in fact the history of an epic struggle against christianity, and that is one of the themes in these pages.

but, what they're referencing is this stupid story in the bible called "the judgement of solomon", where the mythical king solomon (this person never actually existed) is asked to choose which woman a child belongs to. he first suggests to cut the child in half, and one of the women shrugs and says fine, while the other insists they let it live and give it to the other woman. this fictional character called solomon then decides the child is really the offspring of the mother who said to let it live, and she gets the kid. this is then presented as an act of "wisdom".

now, you've probably never heard this story before because you were probably raised irreligiously in a multi-ethnic household and the closest thing to religion in your upbringing was probably disney movies, grimm, hans christian anderson and greek mythology. but, the fact that this diplomat is dropping it is a key hint that he's been bought off by arab blood money, because it's intended to be a part of the propaganda - you're supposed to draw the connection, and deduce that this woman is wise, like solomon. that's supposed to be obvious to you. and, that's supposed to make you like her more.

it would be hilarious if it wasn't so ominous.

but, it's not some accident of allusion - it's evidence that the thing is being guided.

i need to repeat: this article is an attempt by rich arabs, who have apparently bought access in the canadian media, to emotionally manipulate you into supporting the resettlement of islamist extremists in the country, for the purposes of colonizing the region.

and, it's not clear where the government actually stands on this.

these aren't victims - they're war criminals.

it's a trojan horse.

these are the kinds of tactics they use. repeatedly.

don't fall for it.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/former-us-diplomat-wants-children-freed-syria-detention-camps-1.5951716

these women are war criminals, and they deserve firing squads, not empathy.

do not fall for the propaganda - it's all it is.

again - i strongly doubt that this kid was born in canada, and the time frame where kids might have been born in canada and brought over there as infants has at this point pretty much closed. 

if there's a time window when you can undo this, it is very young, and largely passed. i don't want them here.

the only way i want to see any of these people in this country again is in cuffs, on their way to a life in prison on a sentence for crimes against humanity - without any chance of parole.

again - there's clearly a huge amount of arab blood money underlying what is a clear propaganda push to soften the image of a collection of war criminals that participated in the worst atrocities that we've seen on this planet since the second world war.

these people need to be wiped off the face of the planet.

and, that includes any children born there - which should not be considered canadian citizens. the kid is four years old and you're telling me they weren't born there? that's bullshit. that kid is going to grow up a jihadist, and this is just a backdoor for extremism, by co-opting the language of humanitarian do-gooding.

this is an expansionist culture rooted in concepts of imperialism and colonialism and it consistently does everything it can, and resorts to deplorable methods, to perpetuate itself.

somebody on the peninsula spent a lot of money to conquer syria and it failed. we rescued thousands of victims of their slaughter. and, now they're following those who escaped to canada - which is presenting itself as an easy target.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/former-us-diplomat-wants-children-freed-syria-detention-camps-1.5951716

so, my internet went down some time this evening and was off when i woke up.

i can't get the master document to load or convert anywhere in the cloud, so i don't remember how far i archived to. it was july or august or something like that. 

but, i do know i have multiple inbox snapshots and multiple xml downloads. if it's not in the master document, it's probably in one or the other...

this is not my prerogative right now. even if i found it, it would just to be acknowledge that i'm compromised, and then what? the fact is that the end product is the journals, not the blog. if this space is compromised, it's more important that i can back it up. and, i don't actually really understand what's going on - only that posts critical of islam seem to disappear from time to time.

i need to finish reading the blog forwards and understand the depth of the situation before i react further.

but, as the internet was down, i spent the evening cleaning. i got a ways into cleaning the kitchen, and it doesn't make sense to stop and start. so, i'm going to make some pasta and finish it up this morning.

i want a long day today so i'm going to push forward and try to get some work done in the afternoon.

so, i dunno. maybe these missing posts are there, and maybe they're not.

it doesn't matter right now. 

i'll have to wait until i get the 32-bit desktop up and running again.

i can't open the 200 mb archive file at the one drive site.

i'm going to try google docs, but it probably won't work, either.

i didn't have autoforwarding set up at the time....

i may have some of it archived. let me check the end date.

let me go back to earlier in 2018 and just read through it and get a handle of the damage.

so, how do i react to the destruction of evidence in this matter?

i don't want to make it up.

but, i want a record of my history back - and i'm absolutely distraught by the book burning.

this is what happens when the religious authorities take over a society - they destroy history, they burn books, they eliminate data.

there was one sequence where i pointed out that the most obvious thing in the world is that they'll go after the communist jew.

gone.

any reference to the idea that i may have been targeted by muslims because i'm ethnically jewish and openly queer has been removed - which is telling.

*sigh*.

i'm definitely missing posts.

specifically, somebody seems to have gone through and deleted any reference to the laws in canada being different than they are in iran. which, frighteningly, may no longer be substantively true, anyways. 

i need a way out of this increasingly fascist, increasingly dying country.

and, i'm not sure how to react next....

who deleted these posts?

i'm almost to the end of october, 2018 and need to get to march, 2019 by thursday. i also need to get some rest.

today's post is inri001.

---

my second demo, recorded over the second half of the tenth grade, is a considerably more polished recording. by this time, i had learned a lot about how to record things and had improved my drumming and keyboard playing. while the vocals remain highly erratic, ranging from precociously insightful to devastatingly stupid, the music here is actually not far from a professional recording. 

recorded in spring 1997, remastered in fall 2013. finalized on july 3, 2016. first liner note release added on dec 23, 2019 & updated to include the video for inertia on jan 26, 2020. as always, please use headphones. 

i consider this an archival release with little direct listening value. i've pointed out repeatedly that i was 16. however, various segments have been isolated and pulled out for a higher listenability value over here: 

jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inricycled-a 

this release also includes a printable j-card insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 2013-2019). as of dec 23, 2019, the release includes a 35 page booklet in doc, pdf & html, with an html5 audio frontend, that includes journal entries from the remastering process over nov, 2013. as of jan 26, 2020, the html5 frontend has been augmented to include the video for inertia, which has been added to the download, and while the booklet is still 35 pages, it now encompasses sept-dec, 2013. 

released June 1, 1997 

j - guitars, effects, bass, drums, keyboards, tapes, vocals, found sounds, metronomes, production

so, i went back to the day of the arrest and am building a shadow karen document, although that document will need to be rewound to include the fight with the smokers in the previous space. it's just intended as a starting point.

i've done that because it lets me reconstruct the logic in restarting the alter-reality, which i'm hoping to do on thursday.

the thing is that i'd want to start around may to do the food thing.

i'm already in mid-march with the pandemic thing.

i'd might as well retrace my steps...

any further back than that, and i'm starting something new and want to wait.

this is a draft item dated to august 31, 2020. i will need to adhere to it and also to pick back up on it. this is evolving.

i have to go back to the start of the pandemic to make sense of this, but i'm only doing it three days of the week. so, yes - i'll be rebuilding the pandemic document after all.

---

so, what i've done is start at the beginning and, whenever i see a thread in one of the blogs, have noted it, with the hope of maintaining consistency and completeness, godel be damned. the blogs will each morph, now, to better fit these threads.

this should help everybody understand the differences between these blogs, which i'm only beginning to fully grasp, myself.

politics - general blog with a focus on current events:
- life narrative. feelings. events. reflections. dialogues. stories.
- essays. rants. comments. short stories, notes, reactions to quotes.
- philosophical reflections
- political activism
- lectures exclusive
- debates
- news reports exclusive (except sarcasm)
- mathematical & scientific analysis, of varying levels
- historical analysis
- cultural analysis
- economic analysis
- legal analysis
- thoughts on geopolitics & current events
- blogs of any sort, really
- any excerpts of existing texts
- anything published to the appspot site, including cd reviews, concert reviews & music web
- food blog
- all official music releases (including music videos)
- some extra discussions outside of the main narrative
- persies
- benchmark discs
- reviews of substantive influences in real time
- concerts
- headphones
- posts about isps & network topology
- installation files & scripts
- posts about non-musical celebrities, and about some newsworthy musical celebrities
- theory of art sequence
- other youtube videos posted and/or commentary around them should have some kind of relevance to one of these categories
- general commentary about web pages and their uses (with personal use commentary, too)

music journal - personal reflections on the process of writing and recording music, including full documentation when possible:
- life narrative. feeling, events. reflections. dialogues.
- studio narrative
- cover art
- all official music releases
- damaged cds are part of the narrative.
- computer troubleshooting is a part of the narrative
- cleaning the studio. scripting machines.
- benchmark discs / obligatory influentials / comment threads about influences
- reviews of new records by selected artists that are of specific historical influence
- rap news series
- some obituaries of direct or indirect influences
- no appspot reviews, but reviews of new music affecting me as i'm recording.
- concerts
- persies
- headphones
- installation files & files created when recording
- posts about isps & network topology (ends after getting isp access)
- posts about personal social media sites
- posts about music theory or music history or music as any other academic interest
- posts about music production, gear, equipment, etc
- posts about the guitar, the development of the guitar, guitar music history, specific guitarists, etc
- comments where i drop my own music
- comments where i present biographical information in a way that is relevant to understanding my influences and development as an artist
- theory of art sequence
- concepts that relate to topics explored in songs
- some excerpts of existing texts as they are relevant to art or my artistic development
- discussions with people inquiring about the music

dtk - general media commentary in it's fullest abstraction:
- any posts containing music videos of any sort
- any youtube videos or comments around videos except those that are considered official new sources
- tv show & film excerpts
- news source allowed for light content or content about music or media criticism
- interviews with musicians or authors, but not speeches or lectures, or news reports.
- posts with pictures or comments on pop culture or music, broadly, including pop culture authors (interpret broadly)

- so comments about popular authors or philosophers, and my own views on well known philosophical concerns.
- media commentary & criticism
- cds, cd reviews, cd collections, etc
- anything posted to the appspot site as a review
- music web
- official original album releases
- spontaneous song lyrics
- minimal personal commentary (almost none).
- no persies, except profile updates.
- gaming exclusive
- posts about isps & network topology
- any paintings & cover art
- release dates
- animal vids
- general commentary about web pages and their uses (but not personal use commentary)
- headphones sequence
- border stuff because of concerts
- concerts
- not considered official news sources: vice news, fox news.
- posts about music theory or music history or music as any other academic interest
- comments on articles about music and art in any abstraction
- some excerpts of existing texts as they are relevant to art or culture, broadly
- some (usually ironic) self-referential comments about my posting habits

travel - any posts about leaving the house and things done when leaving the house
- posts made to facebook, blogger, etc from somewhere physically outside the house or about things that happened outside of the house
- travel blog needs to be more about action scenes, and less about documenting every time i leave the house. so, actually try to avoid posts that just mention going somewhere, and make it more about the narrative of actually going somewhere.
- should avoid planning posts
- should include reflections on travelling or moving
- reflections, interactions or thoughts made while walking
- reflective posts made about the weather in the context of being out
- thoughts about the weather happening outside
- some imaginary traveling, or projecting traveling ideas
- posts about isps & network topology
- persies for going out only
- border stuff because of concerts
- concerts
- posts about time zones
- posts about odsp renewal
- posts about dr's offices
- posts about groceries & diet. food blog. garbage posts.
- posts about buying & shipping items online
- initial headphones sequence, as a purchase
- climate change rants that are about the actual weather
- stomach ache posts
- air conditioning posts & posts about inside weather
- posts about neighbourhood cats and other local animal sightings or experiences, including insects and parasites in the house
- quitting smoking posts, marijuana posts, hormones posts, other drug posts [all personal use or reflections]
- reactions to mail
- space travel, electric vehicles & other forms of transportation
- bicycle posts